Joke #21875

Two rabbis walk into a bank.

While waiting in line, bank robbers storm inside, not only robbing the bank but also forcing the customers to hand over their own money and jewelry.

One rabbi slips something into the hand of the other rabbi.

“What is this?” the rabbi whispered.

The other rabbi replied, “It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

 

Joke #21177

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,

“Well, that’s great. Just great. Some asshole’s got my pen.”

 

Joke #18726

The bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture.

The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague.

Yes, that is correct. They were able to right a bad czech.

 

Joke #18710

A young college girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

 

Joke #18709

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank.

Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, “I’m sorry about not speaking more clearly. I’ve had Novocaine.”

“You should have used the drive-through,” she said.

“Why?”

“Everyone who goes through sounds like you,” she explained.

 

Joke #18699: A Supposedly True Story

A supposedly true story out of San Francisco (but who knows):

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

 

Joke #18685

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply “XX”.

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. “Mr. Schwartz,” said the banker, “I need to ask you about this check. We weren’t sure you had really signed it.  All these years you’ve been signing your checks ‘XX’, but we just got one that was signed with three XXX’s…”

Mr. Schwartz answered, “No problem, my friend. It’s just that since I’ve become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.”

 

Joke #18505: In the News

Anxious to ‘include’ as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.

 

Joke #18069

I rode home with a co-worker a few days ago and I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted “those people.”

“People WHO?” I asked.

She said, “The ATM people! You know how the ATM operates by having a person inside the box.  Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance.  This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card.

“If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout.  If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount.  He then calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you’ve withdrawn, so they can update THEIR books.”

 

The Badger’s Dam

One day there was a badger and this badger was hired to make a river dam.  Well, this fucking badger was an illegal and he came over from that other fucking river and took the beaver’s jobs away from them.

That god damn badger thought he was so good with his cheaper cost wood that he thought he could make a dam for 15 Fish while beavers charged 20 Fish to make a high quality dam.  Considering the quality and the long-term benefits of having a high quality dam as opposed to a low quality dam, the beaver’s dam would survive like five floods or whatever, while the badger’s wouldn’t even survive two.

So the beavers held the badger and his illegal badger family hostage, put them into boxes and shoved them down the waterfall.  Then the beavers detonated that no-good badger’s dam and that forced the Dam-Making Corporation to hire more illegal badgers from the other river to make another dam.  Basically, the hard-working, honest beavers were put out of business and their economy took a shit on themselves after a few of their river banks needed to be bailed out by the government.

Moral of the story:  You may think you can solve the illegal immigration problem yourself, but it is really up to the government to make a real stand on the issue.