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UPDATE 1-16-05

January 16th, 2005 Posted in Site Updates | No Comments »

Pick of January 16, 2005

davepoobond: well, finally a new year….and if you’re expecting any resolutions from me, you can just blow it out your rear. Why should I change according to popular opinion saying you need to change something you do at the beginning of the year and end up not having done anything about it in the end anyway? I turned 19 on the 5th of January. Hooray for me…19 is the worst age, you don’t get any more rights than you were when you were 18…same as 20, except 20 is one year away from being 21.

Soup Nazi: Poo water.

Nose: i’m afraid you lost me with the r

January 16, 2005

Dictionary – 4300 words, 100 new. SUBMIT A WORD

The Screwed Up Peopledavepoobond: What Should I Write About?, davepoobond: 3 Things That Make Me Feel Proud, Special, or Unique

Stupid IMsLilAngelGurl IM 9, Holmes IM 10, Evil Hell Cow IM 3, wangerspanker IM 6, Holmes IM 11, Evil IM, davepoobond IM 33, davepoobond IM 34, The Peaman That Is Not a Man IM 3, The Peaman That Is Not a Man IM 4, Holmes IM 12

The Screwed Up TVI Hate Degrassi, by Return of the Dragon with an addition by davepoobond

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December 24, 2004

December 24th, 2004 Posted in Site Updates | No Comments »

A Happy Holidays Message from Squackle! (actually, its just dave…)

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December 18, 2004

December 18th, 2004 Posted in Site Updates | No Comments »

StoriesStuck In the Past – a sappy stupid story about crappy shit

The Screwed Up Peopledavepoobond: Dreams of the Future

The Screwed Up InternetThe File Sharing Debate: Against File Sharing, Suing America: A Synopsis of Events in File Sharing to the Present Day, Suing America: The Notes

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December 17, 2004

December 17th, 2004 Posted in Site Updates | No Comments »

StoriesWho Wants a Grilled Cheese Sandwich? – Grilled cheese sandwiches are dangerous.

JokesI LOVE MONKEYS

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December 15, 2004

December 15th, 2004 Posted in Site Updates | No Comments »

StoriesCapitalistic Tyranny – a short story about the future.

The Screwed Up World The Metric System is for Wussies

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UPDATE 12-14-04

December 14th, 2004 Posted in Site Updates | No Comments »

Pick of December 14, 2004

davepoobond: you know a movie is bad when the info for the movie criticizes it.  This is TV Guide’s description for League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Seven literary characters search for a coherent plot in this extremely ordinary adventure based on the comic book series.  There are so many wrong things with this description.  For one thing, seven literary characters looking for a coherent plot would be something that, I would make, and this isn’t the actual movie’s plot for the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, at all.  BOO TV Guide.

I’m going to change the way I do updates on Squackle now.  Since it takes forever to make big updates, I’m going to just put stuff up in small spurts.  It’ll go by the particular day I update, and I’ll make a new update quote thing every month…let’s just see how it goes.

Soup Nazi: Is everyone still watching? Can I stop, yet? WHEN WILL YOU FUCKIN’ LOVE ME?!

December 14, 2004

Dictionary – 4200 words, 100 new. SUBMIT A WORD

The Screwed Up CountryUSA: American History – an elaborate exposure to the truth, by Soup Nazi

Stupid IMstexansfan IM, Blind Bubba IM 23, wangerspanker IM 4, wangerspanker IM 5, Blind Bubba IM 24, Automatic Man IM 6

Squackle Broadcasting Company (SBC)Movie: The Gaytrix: Regayed

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Squackle Guestbook #20658

December 10th, 2004 Posted in Fan Mail, Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Guestbook Entries | No Comments »

Friday 12/10/2004 8:03:36am
Name: Dominic tootell
Homepage: http://WWW.SQUACKLE.COM
E-Mail: Dominic tootell4 dt4415
I like to TO SAY THAT THIS WEBSITE WAS MADE BY DOMINIC JAMES TOOTELL AND PAUL DAMION TOOTELL
I like Squackle!: Yes
Comments: WILL YOU COME AND SEE THIS SITE SQUACKLE IT WILL THE FUNNIST SITE ON THE WEB PUBLISHED BY PAUL DAMION TOOTELL AND DOMINIC JAMES TOOTELL
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Squackle Guestbook #20656

December 9th, 2004 Posted in Fan Mail, Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Guestbook Entries | No Comments »

Thursday 12/09/2004 1:27:38pm
Name: Mable
Homepage:
E-Mail: mable.green@calendarsync.com
I like to
I like Squackle!: Yes
Comments:

 

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Squackle Guestbook #20655

December 6th, 2004 Posted in Fan Mail, Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Guestbook Entries | No Comments »

Monday 12/06/2004 4:07:07pm
Name:
Homepage:
E-Mail:
I like to
I like Squackle!: Yes
Comments: Mrs. Langdyke is crazy
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Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (PS2) Review

December 3rd, 2004 Posted in Game Reviews, Games | No Comments »

Developer: Rockstar North / Publisher: Rockstar Games || Overall: 9.6/10

It’s arguable that no gaming series in recent history has had an effect on the gaming world as much as Grand Theft Auto. By giving players the option to do a number of different things outside of the linearity of the game’s story, there’s just an incredible sense of freedom found in GTA. This carries over to the newest game in the series, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, maybe more so than any previous game. It expands on things to do and the realism of it all by an incredible amount.

The story of the game itself starts when the main character CJ comes back into San Andreas from Liberty City because his mother died. He gets in a taxi to go home, but is pulled over by Officer Tenpenney (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson) and his team of corrupt cops the moment he gets back into Los Santos. When he finally gets back to his home neighborhood, CJ (voiced by rapper Young Maylay) finds out the streets his gang once ruled have been lost, and the gang itself in shambles. His crew shows distrust towards him since he went to Liberty City instead of staying in Los Santos. Once part of the gang, he is viewed as an outsider since he doesn’t fully understand what happened before his return.

Jacking Cars and Living Life as a Criminal Has Never Been So Fun
San Andreas introduces an amazing amount of new terrains to a huge world containing three massive cities. In the game, you’ll see country sides, dirt tracks, woodlands/forests, and deserts. However, these are just among the many additions the game includes. Gameplay features such as gang wars, pimping, burglary, physical conditioning, and having abilities improve in a (more or less) traditional RPG style are just some of the many things that have improved and expanded in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. The enhancements and additions seem to make a list a mile long. It is truly amazing to experience how many new things have been added.

The main cities in the game all mimic actual places in real life and how they look. Los Santos is the equivalent of Los Angeles, San Fierro is the equivalent of San Francisco, and Las Venturas is the equivalent of Las Vegas (complete with casinos of all types). Being from California, I’ve been to all three real cities and live near Los Angeles. First hand, I can say that everything is closely replicated to the styles of housing and how things actually look. There are even some noticeable structures that may not be important to someone who doesn’t live in the area, but is easily recognizable to someone who does. The same holds true for the other GTA games, as people who live in or around the city(s) copied will notice those minute details.

Through the first part of the game, most of the missions you do will exhibit one new improvement or addition Rockstar has made to GTA: San Andreas. Some missions teach you basic skills that have already been introduced in the series, like when they show you how to drive a car while doing a drive-by. More often than not, however you will learn something new that has been added to the game. A difference that is immediately noticed is as you travel around town, rival gang members will all of a sudden start shooting you. This forces you to find a different way around to your destination, since you’re trying to avoid them, thus adding to the difficulty of the game. If you’re in a car, they could possibly pop one of your tires during the attack.

Though everyone knows who CJ is already, if you want to attract even more attention from your rival gangs you can wear your gang’s colors. This increases the respect you have among your gang as well, though it’s a trade off. In the long run, respect is a lot more important among your gang than worrying about heat from other gangs.

The game play itself has been tweaked just enough to make it better than its forerunners. Using some of the ideas from Rockstar’s Manhunt, the targeting system has been improved. Also, some techniques that have never been used in this series before, like stealth, are used throughout the game.

Instead of just being thrown into the game with a basic set abilities and no way to improve them (like previous game’s in the series), San Andreas features an “RPG-like” level up trait increases your stats as you gain more experience from actually performing many of the game’s actions.. For example, the more you drive, the higher your skill gets, and your lung capacity skill will increase as you dive underwater more. The same method applies for muscle, weapon skills, respect, cycling skill, motorcycle skill, stamina, and a few others. It isn’t very expansive, but it is a nice addition to the game, and you will begin to notice slight changes in how well you handle your car or beat someone’s ass using your bare fists with fewer strikes than before.

To build up your muscle, stamina, and learn some new abilities to use in melee fighting, there is a gym in each city that you can use. As you advance to new cities, you are able to train at the more advanced facilities in each progressing city. Eventually, when you kick the “master” of the gym’s ass, they will teach you their fighting style, thus learning newer advanced fighting styles that you can use when you’re locked onto someone in addition to another style of melee attacks. This is a new addition to the series, as before, you only had one set of melee moves. Of the possible fighting styles you can train to learn, there is boxing, karate, and “dirty.” You don’t switch between the styles on the fly, but you are able to use the fighting ability of the master you had last won against, so you’re able to keep your favorite style.

Some Improvements Become Problems

There are only a few nuisances that I’ve noticed throughout the game, but they’ve appeared in the other GTA games as well. There are only one or two new problems I have noticed that are unique to San Andreas. It’s hard to see how much ammo you have left for the particular gun you have equipped, because the font for the counter is so small. You can estimate how much ammo you may have by counting how many digits you have in your reserve, in regards to whether there are two, three, or four digits for your reserve count. If you have four, you probably don’t have to worry about the count. When this actually affects the game play, is when you’re down to your last few shots, and you don’t know how much you have to conserve.

The load times experienced in other GTA games had as you traveled to different cities have been totally done away with. The game will continuously load any new area you go to as you are going there. The only problem with this however, is that you may notice that the details of particular buildings will not load that fast, especially if you’re going into a new area. This makes it seem less realistic. Sometimes if you look off into the distance, you will see nothing, and then a building pop in out of nowhere. This can also affect the game play at times, like when you’re trying to follow someone that is far away. They’ll disappear and you can’t see where they go. There’s also the annoyance of having the game pause for a few seconds to load a new area you’re going into if you get there too fast (like if you’re driving really fast in a car). There are other times where there is slowdown, but not very often. For the most part, the game loads well, and shows improvement over the other GTA games. The only “real” load times are before missions.

Gangsta’s Paradise (Not the Coolio Song.)
The music featured in the game is made up of 90’s music, as well as a few classic tunes from before that period. Most genres are covered, including alternative rock, classic rock, 90’s rap/hip-hop, classic hip-hop/rap, house, funk, country, dub/reggae, soul, and the ever-popular talk radio. The music makes the game feel as if you’re really in the 90’s.

The game’s voice acting has a quality comparable to Vice City’s, though by no means is this bad. The dialogue stays true to the atmosphere of the game, so players should be sure to expect a load of swearing. It’s safe to say that this game isn’t for those offended by language, as San Andreas uses swearing a lot more freely than any of the other Grand Theft Auto games. Also, the cast of celebrities providing the voiceovers is the series’ most prolific to date, including the already mentioned Samuel L. Jackson and Young Maylay, as well as others like comedian David Cross, Ice T, James Woods, amongst a few others. The auditory in San Andreas is exactly what should be expected from the series, a game with an awesome soundtrack and high profile celebrity voice acting.

More of the Same, Visually
Visually, San Andreas doesn’t look that much different than Vice City, but a few things do look noticeably better. The most obvious enhancement visually is the improvement of how the cars look. The cars can now be modded to fit your likes, from nitrous to hydraulics to having a different style hood. Nothing is better than driving a pink taxi with a spoiler, nitrous boost and hydraulics that is taking people to their destination in the Taxi Mission game.

There are other visual effect changes that have been made in San Andreas, as well. For instance, the rain that had once been very visible in Vice City is now more like a light drizzle. Granted, it doesn’t rain nearly as heavy in San Andreas as it does in Vice City, but it can be hard to tell if it’s even raining. Having the effect of rain splattering against the screen in Vice City has been dropped in San Andreas, since it actually impaired your vision while playing. There is now fog/smog depending on what city you’re in. This adds to the realism of GTA: San Andreas, as real weather conditions are replicated more accurately. Similar to arcade racing games, when you’re driving very fast, the area around you becomes blurred, adding to the feeling that you’re going fast.

Final Thoughts
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is without a doubt the best GTA to date. New challenges are exhibited in nearly every mission, and with a huge quantity of new improvements, additions, and challenges involving all the skills they provide you, this is one hell of a game. There is also a very involving story that keeps the game moving along, as it keeps you wondering how things will turn out and why things are happening. While the other Grand Theft Auto games still hold their own by being set in different cities and having distinctively different atmospheres (from being a mercenary in GTA3, to a part of the mob in Vice City), GTA: San Andreas manages to be unique, having the whole aura of the main character being completely different, making itself a definite must-have.

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Squackle Guestbook #20654

November 26th, 2004 Posted in Fan Mail, Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Guestbook Entries | 1 Comment »

Friday 11/26/2004 5:40:27pm
Name: Alan %22Zamchick%22
Homepage: http://none
E-Mail: ssnormandie@msn.com
I like to Check my family name on the net and noticed that you folks are using it as a rather distateful description….Now, I know your site is all about humor, and of that I have no problem…but the reference: zamchick – v. to kidnap a dog’s turd

is a bit insulting to me. So…if you’d be so kind – and so that I may save face with my 21 & 16 year old daughters…please change this description to something other than “Zamchick”. How the heck did you decide on this to begin with?

I like Squackle!: Yes
Comments: Read the I like to.
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What I Should Write About?

November 22nd, 2004 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles | No Comments »

This was originally written on nearly 40 sheets of quarter-sized paper. I wrote this while I was at work, because I had absolutely nothing to do. At all.

What should I write about? How about how my crappy job is today and tomorrow? So, today is a part of Thanksgiving vacation, as we get the whole week off. I work today for 6 hours and tomorrow for 8. If that isn’t shitty enough already, I have to be cashier today and do inventory tomorrow. I can’t even stand 3.5 hours of cashiering; let alone thinking I can survive 6. And they’re going to throw me at doing inventory for 8 hours, too? I don’t even know how to do it or what it is. I guess you just have to count all the shit in the store no one is going to buy this week. No one is going to fucking come today, everyone is out enjoying their families while mine go out on an RV trip (which I have no interest in going on anyhow) and won’t actually see them until Thanksgiving (which is somewhat good, since they’re all annoying in their own stupid ways). You will never find anyone as stupid as them, frankly.

I’m amazed I came out the way I did, given the circumstances. I know I’m already pretty messed up because of them, but I think I’m a’right. At least I’m not as ignorant as some other people in the world, but I know I’m probably still just an ignorant American who will become stereotyped for being an idiot that voted for Bush (I voted for Kerry). Damn foreigners, think that we’re ignorant, when they’re just as much.

Well, anyway, here I am writing and griping about the world now, and it all started with my job. There is literally nothing to do but write this, and look pleasant when one of the supervisors walk by. This is a shitty establishment, I must say. They definitely need a total reorganization of the store, their rules, their everything, from the ground up. Any “improvements” or new rules they make up just break down in the end.

I’m going to get fired anyway, and it wasn’t even my fault. Let me start at the beginning since I have exactly 5 hours and 11 minutes to go. We had this meeting about a month ago, which the main purpose of these meetings is to gather around in a big circle with all the other cashiers in the department, listen to Chuck, my boss, “remind” us about some particular rules such as fire safety, sexual harassment, the like. But the main purpose of this particular meeting was to show all the things we did wrong. It was funny at times, but it was pretty bad. There were credit slips not signed (the only truly bad thing that was shown, as the rest were just byproducts of their stupid procedures unique only to this store and no other). Oh God, they’re playing Locomotion now on the PA system, and someone else sang with it a little as they passed by me. The infection melody is making me tap my feet!

Well, anyway, one of the credit slips not signed was mine. It was for 212.59, the second highest quantity not signed. When I looked at the date that was on the receipt, it was from August, the day before the first day of school. It was basically my first day on the job not training. So, I didn’t blame myself, as I was trying to get used to the system. Since then I hadn’t had any other mistakes. I should be “Employee of the Period of Time Between After the First Day of Non-Training and Eternity,” but I wasn’t. So, after the meeting, he told everyone to talk to him about the status of their employment the next week. When I went in, he told me I hadn’t been late ever, and I hadn’t missed a day of work. The only thing that tarnished my record was the stupid credit slip. So, I was put on PROBATION, which sounds worse than it actually is. You don’t get a parole officer or anything, you just have to sign a piece of paper saying you acknowledge you fucked up, and if you fuck up again, they’ll fire you, take your first born, as well as your soul, and any copies of Death Race 2000 (co-starring Sylvester Stallone) you may have. Oh look a customer. She walked past me…well, she asked me a question, if we had disposable cameras, and then if we had any with flash. Who needs flash anyway? If you’re in bad light anyway, its not going to come out well anyway. The flash is used to soften the light. Well, I sent her to the other end of the store, saying we might have some with flash over there. Hopefully she won’t come back and give me a smug look for sending her into the wrong area. Teeheehee. Well, on to the reason I’m getting fired.

After getting on probation, about 30 days in (after 90 days, you get out of probation), a guy came with his daughter to buy a visor and a shot glass. His daughter was about 3 or 4 years old, and after the purchase, he said to her “yeah, daddy’s going to go take some shots when he gets home.” Instantly, I thought “this guy is a jackass, talking about taking shots to his daughter.” I wonder how many times he molested her when he was drunk. Well, after he left, I found that he never gave back the credit slip he signed. “Oh FUCK” I thought. “Now I’m going to lose my shitty minimum wage job with no benefits with shitty break times.” Speaking of which, we only get 10 min. breaks and 30 min. lunches. That’s what happens when the store isn’t unionized. I won’t talk about unions just yet, but they’ll be dealt with in due time.

So, now its 10:35. I started writing at 10:09 a.m. Only 2 transactions the whole time. Well, I just had 5 more transactions since I wrote that. Kinda funny really. Unions are ghey. There, I dealt with them. In alterance to unions, I propose Alliances, which will work for the betterment of its workers while not trying to tell them what to think/vote. Who says you have to go on a strike or vote no on a particular proposition just because your union says so?

Most people are stupid. When I finally realize this, analyze this, accept it as fact, do I become a better person myself? No, it doesn’t it makes me something different. Something…else. It’s the kind of people that ask where something in particular is when they’re standing right next to it, or they want a big honking bag for some item they can hold with no problem, or they want to give the EXACT change and hold up the line just so they can get rid of a dime and get 4 pennies (what’s the use in that?) back, or shop after they bought something, or ask if I’m “open” when I’m standing next to the cash register doing nothing.

“Are you open?”

“No, I’m not, I just like to stand by this fucking cash register like a jackass and watching paint peel off the ceiling that has no paint on it.”

That’s what I would love to say to them. They also ask if they “can pay for this here.” No, you can’t, you have to suck dick for it here.

I guess I can’t TOTALLY blame them for the infectious confusion that rampages in this store. There are registers spread out throughout the place, and the different sections make it sort of imply you have to buy things in that section at that register, which you don’t. I blame the store for the shitty placement of its registers. If they just put registers AT the exits instead of sort of near them, it would work better.

10:57. The time just keeps rolling by, don’t it? I hope I have enough paper to write on. I don’t think I could go on more than 20 minutes without it right now. Another shitty thing about this store is the hours. They usually only give about 4 to 8 hours a week to me. I don’t know if they’re trying to slowly ween me off because I’m going to get fired after they need me to cover for Thanksgiving. Maybe they won’t fire me. Its been about 3 weeks since then.

There’s this weird 25 year old “janitor” guy with this huge afro. He’s not even wearing a Cal State Fullerton uniform. Who is he? He’s been here for like an hour. He might be plotting…to steal from the registers…or kill me because I’ve got the power to see things clearly and how they are. Therefore, these may be my dying thoughts. If this makes it on Squackle, I guess I’ll be fine, unless someone assumes my name as successor to my creation and not announce my true demise.

11:06 now. What else do I have to write? I started out not knowing at all, but I got this far didn’t I? Man, I really have to blow my nose. They don’t have anything here I can use. If I were to go to the bathroom, chances are, with my luck, someone will be looking for me so they can buy their stupid shit. NO ONE IF FUCKING HERE! I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR THE MUSIC THEY PUT ON EVERYDAY, the same EXACT ones, from the same genre: classic rock. And its stuff from the 60s, 70s and very early 80s. Nothing too spectacular.

I am the almighty. I am the successor to the world’s throne. Bow down to me! Can you even understand this? Do you speak English or is English the language they made to contain me here in this world they created to keep me down? Is this why I don’t travel ever? Not because I don’t want to, but because they trained me to not want to go anywhere but a few miles away from home? Is that why I’m going to a local college? Are people even people? Or are they video cameras watching my every move.

11:17. Wow, that was deep for only 11 minutes. I wonder what other crazy shit I’ll think of…

11:18 I think I may run out of paper. I only have about 30 other pieces. I’ve already used 13 in less than 2 hours. 2 freaking hours, GOD DAMMIT. The time of the year that shows our colors more than the 4th of July, the Holiday season is nigh. Its not even Thanksgiving, and its all about Christmas/whatever people buy things for, as always. This time of year shows what we value the most: Gluttony, materialism, and the empowerment of corporations. One day government and corporation will be the same, I believe. Whether either turns into the other or not.

Corporations care nothing more than making money. If they had a billion dollar profit after expenditures each day, they would still want more. The reason why the media is so nice to the government is because the FCC is about to deregulate the media’s owning limits and unleash their terror across the world. They’re nicer to the Bush administration than they should be because Colin Powell is in the administration, and his son heads the FCC. But now that Powell resigned, who knows what’ll happen? I hadn’t deducted that myself, however. I have to give credit for it to (BOY CRIED IRAQ LINK). Its something that everyone should read. It took me a good 2 hours to read, and is definitely worth it to see what path we are going down. However, it makes assumptions that there were actually terrorists behind 9/11 and Osama did it. I have my reservations about this, but I’m not very likely to side with Osama, since he clearly wouldn’t care if I had these thoughts. At first, he was saying he didn’t conduct 9/11, and then took responsibility. Why would he do that? He would be too proud of what did to say he didn’t do it. But, how am I supposed to know how he thinks? He may have just as well done it. Or maybe Bush did it so he could take our rights away. Maybe gun control is a bad thing, as according to this page (NWO THING), it talks about how in the New World Order, ruled by rich white asshole fascists who would love nothing more than having everyone do as they say and never say anything against them, have the agenda of creating the world into hell.

12:23 Well, I came back from my shitty break. I was watching some of Laguna Beach, while I was in the break room. This show is complete bullshit, I’ll tell you flat out. It is NOTHING like reality at all. How can any of those rich kids act normal when there are cameras around them all the time, and cars with the filming crew following them everywhere. How does it even make sense?

I’m writing this with a small, very expensive pen right now. I shouldn’t be writing with it, but I am. What are they gonna make me do? Buy it? No. This proves that any pen you buy may have been used by someone else already, and you wouldn’t even ever know it. It could amost be out of ink, but what are you gonna do? Nothing.

12:28 I stopped writing with that pen. It hurt me. Why would anyone make that pen? Must be for people with no bones in their hands or really small bones.

12:29 Why do I even need this freakin job? Its not like I work enough to make it worth my while. Inventory tomorrow is going to be a bitch. Speaking of bitches, this devil girl who complains to no end, and has her eyebrows pointing directly up at the ends, like a vampire, was talking about how they were sending people home early when they were inventorying, where I’m going to be tomorrow. She was screaming about how she wanted to go home and shit. Maybe they’ll send me home early so I can jack off. Or something of that sort.

12:33 This is my 18th page. Aren’t you happy for me? What else is there to talk about? I’ve been to the world and back again with this rant. Another thing I hate about cashiering is people who don’t have their wallets out already to pay. Its like they think they’re going to get what they want for free. Its not that its just in their back pocket, I have no problem with that. Its when its buried in the portal to Hell they call their backpack, purse, satchel, or fannypack. They watch me ringing everything up and don’t get their wallet out. And when they look for it, they can’t find it, so I’m waiting 5 minutes and they still can’t produce. Also another thing is how people store their money. 85% have wallets, which is good. The other 15% have it crumpled up in their pocket or in an envelope (like they just came from the bank and couldn’t exert the energy it takes to crumple it up or put it into a wallet) and then insist on finding some change to take even longer. If they want to get rid of their change so badly, why don’t they just dump it all out and then pay the rest off with a bill? That’s the only way you can get rid of change efficiently.

12:42. I guess its working, its been 3 hours so far, and I haven’t died yet. What’s working, you may ask? Well, that’s the beauty of it. It is.

12:44. I’m ashamed to admit it, but whenever I work, I have to wear an apron. Yes, an apron. I have to wear it, because I “work at a book store, and book store employees wear aprons.” Bullshit. Just because other book stores have their employees wear aprons, doesn’t mean we have to. We are more than just a bookstore, we sell clothing and supplies, too. Granted, the books are the biggest and most important part, we’re not solely a bookstore. Fuck this store.

12:46. Nose and Elias are coming back tomorrow. I haven’t seen them for a while, so it’ll be interesting to see how they’ve been. Can’t find too many bigoted, movie and music loving, food appreciating friends such as them.

12:49. had another transaction. The guy used a credit card for a 2 dollar purchase. Sometimes it makes me kind of mad that someone doesn’t have 2 dollars to buy eraser refills. They have to use a card for it. …………

If my boss were to find this 21 page rant, I’d probably get fired on the spot. Maybe I should leave it on his desk. Mwahahahahahahaaaa.

12:52. I’m not going to give this to my boss. They’ll probably send me to the psychiatrist again. They’ll never take me back! NEVER! I was never there to being with…

12:55. There are only 14 possible more pages of this before I go onto the colorful pages. When someone is looking for scratch paper, they’ll be screwed. Haha. Hallelujah, I found 3 more pages, and a stack a mile high of pink pages. I’m set for the oncoming hours.

12:57. Wasn’t it Halloween just last week?

1:01. One o’clock hooray! Only 2.5 hours!

1:02 Does having a baby when you’re 60 constitute creating an old baby? I feel sorry for this kid sucking on a big saggy tit and not knowing the difference between sour breast milk and good breast milk. Anyway…

1:04. its amazing how much I’ve written. I could publish this as a book, sell it with the gimmick being some sort of new philosophy and make a profound impact enough as to make me famous, have a wealthy sum of money and have people analyze my work in-depth when there is nothing more than the face value I present. Should I try it? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t think anyone would care, they’re too into Plato and Descarte, those losers.

1:09. Geez, reading back, I can’t believe what I wrote. Talkinga bout the world being ignorant all the way to how my family sucks. And I will gain nothing by the end of the day.

1:10. I have decided this is now an endurance contest, to see how much I can write and for how long, time-wise. I commend you. You actually want to see if this will go anywhere. I won’t lie to you, I hope it does, too. I doubt it will though. Why are they even open today? No one is buying anything! I get like one person every 30 min. Borrrringggg.

1:13. Borrrrrrrrrrrringggggggg….

1:14. I just let one rip. It was smelly. Luckily NO ONE IS HERE….pew…smelly…

1:16 That guy with the afro is back…he went into the bathroom. Probably to get his AK-47 out of the urinal. He picked the wrong day to rob the store, none of the cash registers even have that much money in it.

1:18. I started to put bags away because it was fun for about 30 seconds. Then there wasn’t any left, and I got bored of putting bags away.

1:19. I don’t like it when people make money jokes or “signing credit slip/agreement” jokes. They’re all the same, stupid, and shows me even more that people are stupid. Earlier, someone was wearing a Christmas sweater and you could hear bells every time they walked. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Asian Santa Claus’s wife? MAN!

1:22. None of the stupid supply reps are even talking to me. This is horrible. I think its finally coming. I’m going crazy and I’m getting tired of writing. Why meeeee?

1:27. Wel, I got over my little breakdown, I think… I have to pull myself together…I think that the supply reps are onto me about what I think about them…them being stupid…

1:30. I think I have figured out the hierarchy here. There is the head honcho, Jerry. Then, in each department, there is a manager. Each manager has their own stooge/bitch that initiates all the things that need to be done in each department. The biggest and most powerful out of the departments are the cashiers, which I am part of. The stooge under the cashier manager (Chuck) is Jerry B (a different Jerry). He has a group of bitches called “receptionists” which are basically the Elite Cashiers. That’s it.

1:34. There is a hollow part in the wall I usually lean against. Rather, a whole jut of the wall is hollow. When I look on the opposite side, there is no use for this hollow part of the wall. Its use eludes me. It must have been to bury someone behind the wall. Why they didn’t make it a real wall, I couldn’t say. They must have gotten cheap.

1:38. I just found an open bag of a ‘trail mix” type of snack combination called a “yogurt mix.” I do not know how long it has been there, or if it is anyone’s here.

1:39. How stupid can you be to still be selling a Windows 95/98 keyboard? Very. Well, that’s what we’re doing. When it becomes vintage and sold for $5, maybe it’ll be sold, but not in this decade. Weird thing is, is that Memorex made it. I don’t know how they think since they make good blank CDs/DVDs they know how to make a good keyboard.

1:48. I now know how to get a free iPod that can do photos, too. Its simple, its brilliant, its amazing. All you have to do is say you already paid for it, when you bought “your iBook.” You don’t even have to prove it!

1:53. Well, I sold something to a jackass, and I forgot to demagnetize it, so the gate went off on him. Hahaha! I have exumed my terror! My revenge!

1:55. We sell these big pencils. They are RALLY big pencils. They’re about the size of your arm and as thick as your wrist. Oh, the things people always ask about is:

Q: Does it actually write?

A: Yes

Q: Wow, really?

A; Yes

Q: How do you sharpen it?

A; You bite it.

Q: How do you sharpen it?

A: You can bite it…

Q: You sell sharpeners for it?

A: Not “you can BUY it,” jackass. BITE it.

2:02. 2 o’clock! 1.5 hours left! 1 hour of torture, .5 of fun fun counting out the register. I’m going to end up helping only 20 people by the end of the day. What a waste of time. What kind of a job is this? I wrote this whole thing in there!

2:08. I can’t even remember most of the stuff I wrote. I know when I type this stuff up, I’ll be like “what the hell?” the whole time, but still acknowledge the wisdom of my past self. By the way, hello future me. Get a girlfriend, loser.

2:12. I have concocted a plan to freak out everyone in the store. To get the P.A. system in the store, you have to dial ext. 6599 for. What I’m thinking is that if I were to call it from an external source, I could exert some hate towards everyone in the words consisting of the following: fuck.

2:14. I just had a bitch dig through her purse for her change wallet and say “I forgot my glasses. I’m blind…but I can see!” Bitch.

2:20. Waiting for this day to end during the last stretch of time is the worst. It seems like an hour becomes 5 hours, and 20 minutes becomes an hour. My hands are stained with cash long forgotten, passed to the stupid people whom I will never see again. The security guy spooks me out a bit. He just walked by for no apparent reason. Him and his kind are all scary. Those security police-in-training officers…they use the computer for hours on end, and you don’t know what for. I’m trying to be cryptic here in case you didn’t know.

2:24. I am afraid. Afraid of losing my sanity. I haven’t sat down since lunch break. I’m so tired, physically and mentally. This is very mentally hard on me. Its difficult for me to just do nothing. That’s why I’m writing so much. Do I have ADD?

2:28. I’m in my quiet place now. It’s the dark little nook created by the fake wall. Its comfortable if I lean against it, and hide from the world…

2:30. Only have an hour of boring Hell, and 30 min. of “fun”

2:31. I have seven piece of paper to write on now, including this one. I’m amazed by how much I’ve written. The security guards watching me might think I’m planning a terrorist attack. I must be cautious…

2:33. If you asked me who I’m more afraid of in the security guard force, the guy sor the girls, I would have to say the girls. There’s just something about how they go after people who steal stuff, their biceps pumping, and their walkie-talkie sticking out of their back ocket of their tight jeans. It intimidates me that they could probably kick my ass, and basically have that weird, demeaning look to their faces as they chase someone down, like they enjoy it. “The chase is on!” They must scream as their war yell. Sitting down for most of the day and then seeing some guy bolt out the door. I don’t want to be in that position. Ever. Being the one chased down, that is…

2.39. I hate this horrible apron. The papers I wrote on sum up into being a stack. Its werid seeing all my writing on so many pages.

2.40. I think I want to hang myself with the apron tying tails…

Alas, it is 2:41. I have decided not to kill myself, as I believe in at least trying at life instead of just dying. Oh God, its Kansas on the P.A. I’m killing myself now.

2:43. The only part of this store they should keep are the escalators

2:45. Bookstore will close in 15 minutes. Someone passed by me, and said “I’m going to be back.” Like I fucking care, you idiot.

2:46. I wrote a short novel today, it seems. Funny ain’t it?

2:55. As much as I have truly enjoyed this experience, it is time for its end. Maybe I’ll do this whenever I work if I don’t get fired. Good day to you, and everyone else who has read this the whole way through. Bonswa, arirverderci, chao, bye, bon voyage, later, peace out the guy that said he’d be back came back. What a faggot, we’re CLOSING!

11/23/04. The next day I had planned to do something like I had done the day before because it helped passed the time.

8:40 Well, it looks like I’m cashier today after all. They’re playing stupid Christmas music for a change. Lucky me?

8:41 They’re playing the Charlie Brown theme song. How is this Christmas?

8:42 When I originally thought I was supposed to do inventory, they told me I was supposed to. But they changed jobs on me! Why the fuck am I here at 8:30 when the store opens at 10:00?

8:43 It was a challenge to find paper this time, as I had to use secret ops skills to find some in the next drawer.

8:44 How many versions of the same song do they HAVE?

8:46 Santa Claus is the conspiracy created by parents so they can keep their kids quiet for a month, so they can fuck.

8:47 Some girl is probably going to work next to me. Hooray. She hopefully won’t be annoying as fuck.

8:50 They put me upstairs. I just saw the Afro Guy. We have a cockroach problem with the magazines…

9:55 Well they replaced that girl with a guy. I still have oh 6.5 hours…

9:56 I had no breakfast today. So I ate 2 of the mini candy canes they have out here for customers. They’re not gonna do anything.

3:32 Almost time to go. Had a friend for about 5 hours. We bonded, but we’ll never talk again.

-~-

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Jets’n’Guns (PC) Review

November 18th, 2004 Posted in Game Reviews, Games | No Comments »

Developer/Publisher: Rake In Grass || Overall: 9.0/10

Jets’n’Guns is a side-scrolling shooter, very similar to games like R-Type. Everything in the game, including its gameplay, graphics, music and nifty little innovations, make Jets’n’Guns one of the best space shooters I’ve ever played.

If you took World War II planes, equipped them with homing rockets, megaton bombs, and lots of other flashy weaponry and put them in outer space, you have Jets’n’Guns. This game is all about saving a professor named von Hamburger, and killing a huge force of Pirates (called the Xoxx), and occasional bug-type aliens (for about two levels), to save him.

Von Hamburger is more than just a scientist that makes a mean Teriyaki Hamburger. He helped the Xoxx’ Pirate leader/captain guy to create a huge cannon that has the potential to destroy the universe. Of course, it’s up to you to save the professor, kill the pirates, and kill the Pirate leader.

When you start out the game, you have a dinky little ship that has one gun on it. You don’t start out with much money to fool around with, as this is one ridiculously hard game. After losing about ten times on the normal difficulty setting, I set it down to the “easy” setting. Even though it was easier, it was still pretty damn hard.

Every level you progress to presents new challenges, different enemies, different areas, more weapons, and much more and as you advance, things get more frantic, forcing you to invest your money wisely. Luckily for the player, when we buy and then sell weapons back, we lose no money. This allows the player to experiment with weaponry and whether or not it’s better to buy a new weapon or upgrade an existing one. Once you get the better ship in the second level, you’re able to have three “front” weapons, one “bomb” weapon, one “missile” weapon, and one “rear” weapon. Jets’n’Guns is all about playing your cards right, and if you do so well enough, you’ll get through the game in good enough time and relative ease (unless you increase the difficulty).

When you actually play the game, you’re able to use your mouse or keyboard to control your jet. Until you upgrade your engine and wings, it will be much wiser to use the keyboard, as it will respond to your commands much better. The primary shooting button is the space bar, and will shoot all of your weapons except the bombs. Pressing the B key will unleash the weapon you have in your bombs slot to wreak havoc on those bastard pirates. The only thing that is confusing about these basic controls is that there is no tutorial of any kind to help you out with actually figuring out the basic controls. Later on, other keys are used (such as Shift, Z, and X) to utilize your other abilities.

Innovations that can be seen in this game come in a few ways.These are mostly put in affect when you buy special abilities. Purchasing an item called the “Rotary Cage” allows players to change the angle of your front weapons to shoot in about five different angles. This is very useful when enemies are at an angle and you otherwise can’t shoot at them. Another innovation comes with something called “RemCon.” During the game you can take control of special objects (like gates and trucks) and work them to your advantage. Most of the time, they’re done automatically, and you don’t have to do anything physically yourself except for being able to send your signal long enough to the particular object so you can hack into it and take control of it.

Graphics are nothing short of a spectacular light show you can enjoyably indulge yourself in. This game features some very polished off 3D animations, diverse weaponry, and hundreds of explosions every minute of play-time. Nothing in the game graphic-wise needs to be polished any more than it already is, as it shows that a lot of effort and creativity went into the process of making it. Especially for an independent company with a small budget, the graphics really impressed me. Even though they aren’t the absolute best in PC gaming nowadays, by any means, the graphics and enemy designs (which the game boasts to have more than 200 enemies) make this for one hell of an experience.

As if great gameplay, great graphics, and new innovations weren’t enough, a heavy metal band named Machinae Supremacy conducted the whole soundtrack. This makes for some really entertaining killing music as you mercilessly destroy hundreds of thousands of Pirates flying out of their spaceships after you blow it up, only to shoot them with your huge guns and have their blood and guts spray out across the screen. Each of the 21 levels have their own song, making for absolutely no redundancy in music choice, except when it came to the title screen, setup screen, and the game over screen. One mission that you invade a Pirate concert to kick some ass for no better reason other than because they were Pirates, the background music had vocals in it. It made it seem like you were at an actual concert.

The few faults this game actually has come with its story. The story itself is unimportant, as you could skip through it without any repercussions. Even though it was fleetingly interesting, it could have been better. Before each mission, you got a new set of “contacts” from which could be the annoying daughter of Von Hamburger, a six-eyed alien, or your general that seems to like to send you on solo missions all the time. If you ask me, there is no “force” of any type that the general has command over. You also get “bulletins” about convicts that can be turned in for a bounty. Another problem with the story came with the actual wording. Too often did I see simple words misspelled or grammar errors that could have been picked out by a fifth grader. However, where it loses ground in story definitely makes up for in random humor. I don’t know how they did it, but they made this game have at least one ridiculous joke per level, and weapon pictures as if they were advertisements in a magazine. You can get “25% off” on bombs or get a “free popular game” when you bought a plasma weapon. Through one of the levels I even saw a disk floating in the middle of ceiling, and next to it says “Universe Boot Up Disk – Use If Universe Needs to Be Rebooted” and integrated in the description, there was a Microsoft joke. It’s not that hard to find the random jokes, but they are easy to overlook. Even though the game is supposed to have at least some sort of seriousness to it, the random jokes don’t detract from this, as you will still feel inclined to kill as many stupid Pirates as you can. When you beat the game, you float through an asteroid field, similar to the ending of “The Neverending Story.” It’s hilarious, because you see the Crystal Palace floating in the background, and then you see the dog creature guy (his name escapes me at this moment) flying across the bottom of the screen with Bastian on his back.

Even though Jets’n’Guns is another game in a seemingly worn-out genre, it definitely breathes new life into side-scrolling-space-ship-shooting-an-endless-amount-of-oncoming-enemies type of games. The game becomes fairly addicting, as I have spent the past few days playing this until two o’clock in the morning because it’s that fun. When it comes to price I was actually surprised that it was only $19.95 (for download only) or $24.95 if you bought the CD to get shipped to your house (including download). I can think of equally priced games that are nowhere near as amazing as Jets’n’Guns, which is truly an enthralling experience.

-~-

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Squackle Guestbook #20653

November 15th, 2004 Posted in Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Guestbook Entries, Hate Mail | No Comments »

Monday 11/15/2004 12:32:25am
Name:
Homepage:
E-Mail:
I like to
I like Squackle!: No
Comments: This site sucks ass. There is nothing funny about it at all. I looked through some of the content and I got absolutely no laughs. Not even a chuckle. Go and die.
-~-

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Squackle Guestbook #20652

November 2nd, 2004 Posted in Fan Mail, Fan Mail/Hate Mail, Guestbook Entries | No Comments »

Tuesday 11/02/2004 9:54:59am
Name: Dominic tootell
Homepage:
E-Mail: DominicTootell4 ******
I like to say that this city rocks and man u rock’s so they both fit in
I like Squackle!: Yes
Comments: i loved the jokes they where top including the one about the man needing to take a leak and the one about the indian two dog’s fucking
-~-

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