Q: What does a car wear when it’s cold?
A: A car-digan
Note: This was in the back of a bible.
Confessing to God that I am a sinner, and believing that the Lord Jesus Christ died for my sins on the cross and was raised for my justification, I do now receive and confess Him as my personal saviour.
Name: Dave “Satan” Poobond
This is such a crock of shit, because it was Jesus’ fault, not mine for dying at the cross. He was the one going around praising religion and crap that got him into deep shit and nailed to fucking planks. Don’t make ME take the blame for it, you bastard prophets that wrote the Bible!
Learn how to spell savior, at least!
Tagged People: Jesus Christ
(Marmafluke is a dog and speaks perfect English with a British accent and walks on two legs. SLAGGY is Marmafluke’s best friend. CRED, FELMA, and DAFTKNEE are his others.)
(Marmafluke sings the theme song in a Shakespearean manner:)
Where are you?
We’ve got some tea and crumpets
For you now…
Where are you?
We’ve got some weed
To do now!
We’ve got some mysteries to solve,
Be ready, you big ass
and don’t fucking be bisexual.
(A bunch of sweaty people run in and start freak dancing)
TITLE CARD: The Case of the Spiral Notebook
SLAGGY (voice over)
Today, Marmafluke meets Sonny and Cher!
(Fade out. Fade in with Marmafluke and Slaggy drinking tea and eating crumpets.)
So I says to Looby, “Let’s make like a spider and BUG OUTTA HERE!”
(Slaggy starts laughing hysterically.)
(Marmafluke is sitting with his legs crossed and he takes a sip of tea, seemingly unamused)
Hmm… yes… humorous…
(Marmafluke looks to the right, not laughing at all)
(Audience laughs, and as they drown out, you can hear one of them scream something)
AUDIENCE MEMBER 426
Marmafluke has a massive dong!
Now, that is totally uncalled for!
He’s right, though, it’s almost touching the floor.
(Marmafluke throws his tea to the floor and dumps his tray of crumpets on Slaggy gathering up his dog dong, hiding it in his lap)
Well, it’s not my fault…!
(Marmafluke glares at the camera)
Can’t you go SOMEWHERE ELSE!?
(Scene cuts to DAFTKNEE and FELMA digging in the ground. They’re really dirty and sweaty. Their boobs are knocking around and its pretty hot, actually, both literally and figuratively.)
(CRED is sitting on a chair drinking some lemonade under an umbrella)
CRED! Why are WE doing all the work?
Cred, this isn’t very fair.
My ascot is on too tight. You know I can’t shovel out
large amount of dirt, because I’ll pass out.
(The real reason is that Cred is looking at Daftknee and Felma’s bodily features and measuring them mentally… he was way off, though)
(Cred writes something in his notebook, saying it quietly aloud, as well)
Felma — Double D…
(Fred closes his notebook)
(The scene cuts to a bathroom door, and there’s some grunting sounds in there)
(Slaggy is waiting next to the door, and looks at his wrist, as if there was a watch there, but there isn’t.)
Come on, Marmafluke!
You’ve been in there for at least half an hour!
Looby never would make me wait
outside when he does his business.
(Little did he know, Looby’s business was jacking off)
(There’s a zipping sound behind the door, and Marmafluke walks outside wearing pants and shoes. There’s a huge lump and a line trailing down his right pant leg.)
Well, now that certain piece of indecency has
been taken care of, shall we check on the other 3?
(cut to Cred, Daftknee, and Felma)
I’m too tired to dig anymore.
Just think of what Looby would say if
he knew you were giving up on him.
(the camera cuts to a tombstone that reads:)
Here Lies Looby,
Not one brand, but three killed him.
(the camera cuts again and Felma is dragging Looby’s dead body toward the hole)
I think it’s deep enough Deftknee.
(Felma lobs Looby into the grave and it lands on Daftknee)
(Daftknee falls down and Looby is on top of her. 3 types of lubricant drained/evacuated from Looby’s orifices. Some is draining out of his nose, too. It was a gruesome death for poor Looby)
(Daftknee is squealing like a pig under Looby)
(in the next spot, Cher is in front of Sonny’s grave)
Would you mind keeping it down in there?
Aren’t you — DO YOU BELIEVE — supposed to be
dead when you’re — IN LOVE!!? — in a grave??
Wow! It’s Sonny and Cher!
Sonny is dead.
That’s funny Cher, we all know that isn’t true.
I don’t know — DO YOU BELIEVE! – what you’re talking about.
(Cut to Slaggy and Marmafluke walking toward The History Machine)
I think I’ll drive, you had a little too much…
(Slaggy is smoking a joint)
I really have no idea what you’re talking about.
It was only 5 cups!
Right… shall we?
(Slaggy and Marmafluke drive over to the cemetery)
SUNNY IS — IN LOVE! — DEAD!!
Sunny is in love?
NO! He’s in the — AFTER LIFE!!
(Daftknee is somehow out of the grave and finished shoveling the dirt into the grave)
Ah, I see you’ve finished unceremoniously burying my brother.
Rest in piece, you piece of shit.
(Daftknee spits on his grave, but due to a sudden jet stream it lands on Sonny’s grave)
You — DO YOU BELIEVE! — BITCH!!!
(Cher and Daftknee get into a cat fight)
(Cred writes into his notebook)
CRED (mouthing quietly)
Daftknee — purple underwear…
(Daftknee and Cher stop fighting for a second)
WHAT the HELL!?
(Daftknee gets slapped hard, and she starts fighting with Cher again)
(Meanwhile, the spit on Sunny’s grave starts glowing)
My God! You didn’t spit on a dead man’s grave, did you!?
So what if I did!?
(Sonny pops out of the grave)
Hey guys! I’m alive!
Bloody hell! A ZOMBIE!!
(Everyone screams then runs away. Cred drops his notebook, and Marmafluke happens to trip over it. Marmafluke grabs the notebook and runs away again)
Where’d everybody go? Hey, wait!
(Stupid music plays as Sonny is chasing everyone around, and somehow they’re in a place with millions of doors and are going in one and coming out the other over and over. A few times, two of them come out of different doors, etc etc)
(Daftknee and Marmafluke find a closet)
Daftknee! Look what I found!
(Daftknee takes the book from Marmafluke and opens it)
This is Cred’s! I wonder what he was writing in here…
(The notebook stated the following:)
10 inch-wide ass
Allows anal sex
Can have threesome w/Slaggy
Gives good BJs
British accent (hot!)
Extremely large dong
(Daftknee and Marmafluke look at each other after reading it)
Oh my God! That PERV!
He didn’t even get any of this information right!
I am TOTALLY into anal sex.
(Daftknee looks weird at Marmafluke)
Well, I can’t help it if I’m the object of everyone’s desire…
(Daftknee eyes Marmafluke’s pants)(Scene cuts to the castle with a million doors)
(Daftknee bursts out of a closet with a shotgun)
Cred! YOU’RE DEAD!
(Cred stops chasing Felma trying to grab her ass just as she runs into another door. He looks over to Daftknee)
Oh, shit. She found the notebook.
(Cred jumps into the air and runs away with Daftknee chasing after him)(Sonny and Cher have been making out the whole time. Not by normal kissing, but Eskimo kissing. Their noses are practically falling off)
I love — IN LOVE! — you.
(Then they both get shot from stray fire from Daftknee’s shotgun)
(Cred jumps on top of them and then jumps away, running again)
I’m going to the — AFTER LIFE!! — light!
Me too, again…
Man, you wankers sure are annoying.
I found this note at school.
You know Greg, you’re really starting to piss me off
I’m pissing you off!?
Well, shit, it piss me off
that I’ve come to a new place
and I’m trying desperately to
fit in and thrive in a new school
while your rich, pretty boy ass
hides in big daddy’s pocket
as he shells out mass amount of
Ben Frankling for your fu resplendent
future as a professional jerk off
That’s it you little bitch. I’m
bring you down one way or
Suffice to say, I do not know who these people are or the dramatic ending to this story that probably ended 10 years ago.
I found this at school.
The tea is too cold
The tea is too hot. I can’t drink it.
I can’t put my dictionary in my pocket. My dictionary is too big.
An elephant is too big. A mouse is too small.
I can’t buy a boat because it’s too expensive, but Anita can buy one if she wants to.
We went to the Rocky Mountains for our vacation. The mountains are too beautiful.
I can’t eat this food because it’s too salty.
Amanda doesn’t like her room in the dorm. She thinks it’s too small.
I lost your dictionary. I’m too sorry. I’ll buy you a new one.
A: Do you like your math course?
B: Yes. It’s too difficult, but I enjoy it.
“Change is what’s happening to every animal’s body and soul every minute of their lives”
– from around high school
“Swing, ya ding-a-ling!”
– from the radio
– ? Must be from some marketing thing.
“Don’t get PISTOL WHIPPED by the bean counters. Make your move now and save $95 bucks. See inside…”
– ? Must be from some terrible marketing thing.
It sickened me to see the state the 3rd-world countries are in, and we can’t help them because if we poured all our resources into it, we’d become as poor as them, with no improvements. The US seems to be not overpopulated, but when it tells you about all the energy and food we use, and putting greenhouse gasses in the air, its bad.
Ethiopia can’t seem to educate awareness about things concerning reporduction into people’s minds about all of it.
India looks like there are way too many people for so little resoruces available to them.
The solution: Shoot them all out into space!
When a species grows very high in overpopulation, it eats all its food, and there isn’t enough for all of them and what can’t be supported die off.
Ok. They get a lot more population then die off.
Their population will go up as well, so that their prey’s population will go down as well so they can go back down, and then die off because they’re all dead. The more hosts, the more parasites of that type, the more prey, the more predators of that type. Water water. Both. They both have to have the same amount to contain capacity of the needs of that species.
In the future, I will marry a girl.
My uncle Louie brought the food, but we didn’t have an uncle Louie.
Everyone dances because the wedding will be very dumb.
The photographer took pictures of the cake.
The old people said their weddings were better. I shot them with tranquilizers, and that was that.
When he was 8 years old, he started being a famous archaeologist. For this, tonight he dreamed that he was making a large trip with my girlfriend. In his dream, Susana and he explored mysterious things in the jungle. They navigated by canoe and admired the parrots of many colors.
One day, Susana got dirty because he said she saw a snake try to capture a rat. He said to her that the snake isn’t dangerous and they went to the camp very fast.
At the end, they saw a magnificent temple that had dirt and some trees around the floor. They found a secret door and when we entered, they discovered a large treasure of objects of gold and silver. They started to take them whent hey remembered we didn’t have a bakcpack.
Then we left without the treasure, at this moment he woke up.
During the Cold War, the United States fought communist threats in Turkey and Beef, while the Soviet Union found allies in the four Middle Eastern countries of Zimbabwe and South Africa. In 1967, Israel won the stinky poop from Syria, East Jerusalem and the West Bank from Chuck E. Cheese, and the swap meet and Sinai Peninsula from Argentina.
Israel refused to give up these territories until Arab nations recognized their right to have indoor plumbing. Meanwhile, the PTA waged guerrilla war against Israelis both at home and abroad. When the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, the peace process was accelerated because everyone just wanted to sit down and eat pizza. In 1993, a historic agreement was signed between Chuck E. Cheese and Barney the Dinosaur. People on both sides criticized the agreement as world leaders worked hard to bring peace to the region.
In Lebanon, the government depended on a delicate balance among beer and margaritas. When beer began to outnumber margaritas, unrest spread. In 1975, civil war broke out in Lebanon. Not until 1990 did Lebanese leaders finally restore some order.
In the Persian Gulf, tensions were fed by the Public Broadcasting Service showing Sesame Street. Then, in 1980, Iraqi dictator Stinky Stewssein attacked Iran. The war lasted eight years and both sides suffered heavy casualties. Stewssein again acted aggressively in 1990 when he sent Iraqi troops into Bahrain.
United States President George Bush organized American, European, and Arab forces to drive Iraq out of Bahrain. For years after the war, UN economic assing stopped Iraq from selling its oil abroad. The goal was force Stewssein to stop making stinky stew and vegetable oil.
sisterpoobond: Why do you always close my door?
davepoobond: Cause I don’t like seeing you.