Knights of Mayhem (TV Show) Review

Channel: National Geographic Channel

A show about jousting. Doesn’t get much more exciting than that. Except maybe shows about pinball, cake walks, knitting, and the pawn shop show with that delightful Chumlee!

Knights of Mayhem follows jousting captain and “World Champion” Charlie Andrews as he dons a full set of metal armor and gets medieval (literally) on the other couple of people that engage in this idiotic activity.

Charlie is apparently very experienced and has given up everything, including his family, to do this for a living. This proves that he has major priority problems and various mental disorders, possibly stemming from seeing his paw get runned over by horses as a child.

I don’t care who you are, what you look like, how long you’ve been doing it, whatever. If you’re a grown man wearing armor and hitting other men with sticks, you’re a jackass.

What happened to National Geographic? When I was a kid it was all about half naked African women riding elephants. I guess a good thing can’t last forever. I give this show a THUMBS DOWN.

 

Rock Stars (TV Show) Review

Channel: National Geographic Channel

Would you like to have proof that anything can be made into a television show? Here you go!

Rock Stars is a show about men (manly men) who scale walls of rocks next to roads and poke them with sticks until the rocks fall. This is all it is about. It is 30 minutes of guys acting macho and digging rocks.

While we’re making shows about boring jobs why don’t we make a series about insurance salesmen or pizza delivery boys? I wish there were more to write about for this review but that is quite literally all there is.

So if you get your rocks off to people getting rocks off, this is for you. Otherwise, rock this show. I give it a THUMBS DOWN.

 

 

Real World? More like Real CRAP

The reality show before reality shows, this piece of shit show on MTV which has nothing to do with music except when they play some shit to keep you entertained through transitions and to “set the mood” has no real point. 6 stupid people, always consisting of the following formula: 2 very straight, good looking guys; 1 gay guy; 1 lesbian; and 2 good looking girls, usually one with big cans.

Its such crap, they all work at the same place, and they try to make it interesting by making them have alcohol problems. Nothing illegal though, because MTV would be liable to be sued because they’d be making money off of illegal acts.

Its FAKE as HELL, too. No matter who you are, whenever you’re in front of a camera, you are going to be fake as possible. And the confessionals suck. Like I really give a shit how you feel about whatsyourface about whatsherface licking the shit out of everyone’s ass. To spice up this show, they should torture them. But actually what viewer wouldn’t be already, with people like those?

 

Chalk Zone: For the Stoner Kid

I mean come on. Everything you draw with chalk goes to the Chalk Zone when its erased? Magic Chalk? 2 eyed cyclopses? This all makes no sense, and it seems that this show would only be really taken somewhat understandably if the kid watching it were extremely high.

 

What the hell is with Magic Chalk? This idea is gonna make every kid think chalk is all magical and when a teacher writes on the chalkboard, they’re always going to open a portal to Chalk Zone.

 

Maybe this is the reason why schools are changing the chalk boards to dry erase boards! Because there’s a chance that Chalk Zone could invade us. I wanna live in Chalk Zone, because then I could snuff all the chalk dust I wanted. Maybe I’ll see a Chalk Volcano. Wow. How about that. Or maybe a penis that someone could’ve drawn on a chalkboard.

 

Justice Files

I was watching the Rosie O’ Donnel show a while ago before it was canceled, for some God forsaken reason that I don’t know.

So she’s talking about some shit, and there’s this voice every once in a while that agrees with her, and it doesn’t look at that guy, just at Rosie, and pretty soon its getting really redundant, then all of a sudden she says “my 3 year old son and I were watching Justice Files, on that cartoon station….Cartoon Network, that’s right, and there was this show called Justice Files, y’know with Superman, Batman, and they go around and fight aliens and stuff. Well, my son turns around and says ‘mom, I like this show.’ And I say ‘yes, son, I like this show too.'” All through her endless babble of not knowing what she was talking about, the guy kept saying “unh hunh” and then Rosie says “Then I got to wondering, WHAT ABOUT ROBIN?” and she leans forward on her desk, toward the guy, and the camera finally switches to this guy sitting at a black piano, with a huge microphone in his face, and it covered half of it, at least, and he’s right up next to it, saying “unh hunh” and says something about that, and then Rosie says, “we’ll be right back after this commercial break.”

What a dumb bitch, first of all its Justice LEAGUE. Justice Files is a Discovery Channel investigative show, which, obviously, she has never seen or heard of, in which detectives and cops tell stories and the Discovery Channel makes recreations and shit like that. Rosie needs to learn how to listen, because it always says “Justice League will be back after these messages.” And she probably doesn’t even know about Justice Friends, which is the same thing but it has Robin ::spins finger around:: whoohoo, and it was made in the 70s, the era in which SHE grew up in. Now, how do I know that and she not know that? What a dumb bitch!

 

I Hate Degrassi

This portion is done by Return of the Dragon:

Before you embark on the greatness that is my writing, let me just clear a few things up. If you don’t know me, I often have very little compassion or respect for things I don’t understand. This leads me to saying certain things that may or may not be inappropriate. If you are easily offended by language or explicit content in any definition of the word, now is the time to stop reading and hit the back button. For those of you who have a sense of humor, please continue on what may be perhaps my most rage-filled review…ever.

To understand what I’m about to say, one needs a background understanding. There is a show network called “Noggin” that basically creates programs for pre-teens/teens ages 10-18. They focus on barraging this group of impressionable young minds with programming crap that I could best describe as an imitation of programs that are on MTV/FOX. The vomit-inducing programs on Noggin run the gamut from pathetic girls vs. boys competitions a la men vs. women on the Real World Road Rules Challenge to the obviously staged dating show called Best Friends’ Date. Sitting atop of this mountain of programming dog shit is a show called “Degrassi: The Next Generation”

Some of you may know about this show, some of you may not. For those who do, bare with me cause I’m about to explain the clusterfuck that is Degrassi. As you may be able to infer from the title, there did exist a first generation of Degrassi. It was an original show that ran during the 80’s that covered the lives of teenagers dealing with teenager-like problems. The show garnered little success and even less attention. Instead of letting this show die, the show creators at Noggin thought “Hey, Degrassi is a great show that would appeal to our target audience as shown by the great reviews given by our 10-18 year old focus groups. Let’s bring Degrassi back from oblivion!” And hence forth came the current disgrace “Degrassi: The Next Generation” into television.

Those of you that needed the explanation, I envy your ignorance. At one point in time, I too did not know what Degrassi was. But thanks to my sister who watches shows like Degrassi, I was quickly absorbed into the nether regions of terrible programming.

If you can’t tell by now, I fucking hate Degrassi. Degrassi is the embodiment of everything that is anti-american. The Degrassi show creators support terrorism, they pimp out their actors to collect rent money, and they do lines of coke off the wad of blood money that they have sacrilegiously earned. On top of all that, the show is made in Canada (insert your own joke here). Degrassi is, in a sense, everything t.v. should not be. How did I come to this conclusion you ask? Simple. I watched many episodes of it.

“But Rubin,” you say, “you are a hypocrite if you watch the show so often and still degrade it,” and to this I say “not true.” I didn’t want to watch the show. Really, I didn’t. But, I was strangely drawn to it, wanting to watch how the shows creators constantly fucked with the lives of these chraracters in this pseudo-drama. I realized that by watching this show, I could more fully understand the bullshit. After hour upon hour that I have wasted of my life watching this show, I have finally been able to come to conclusion on why I hate Degrassi so much. The plot line that the creators have made is so twisted, so fucked up, it more than blatantly contradicts its obssession to seem “real” to its audience. But then again, what can’t you sell to snot-nosed, self-absorbed, arrogant pre-teens and their older counterparts.

Let me begin with the cast of characters. Originally, the show began with a few kids who were a bunch of goody two shoed bastards. Let me introduce to you Ashley the queen of those do-gooders…

This bitch you see is the poster child for good girl gone bad. First she was this believeable character who always followed the rules, never got in trouble, and kissed ass whenever she could. Then all of the sudden, she got tired of the bullshit, and decided to be bad. What did she do? You guessed it, drugs. But not something predicatble like weed, oh fuck no, predictability is too good for the screenwriters of Degrassi. Ashley decides to fucking take ecstasy…at a lame ass house party. Who the fuck takes ecstasy at a house party? It seems apparent no thinking went into the creation of that one episode…but the tragedy doesn’t stop there. As for Ashley, she fell off and is no longer on the show. Good fucking riddance.

Then there is this bitch.

You would think by the innocent looking smile that the shows creators imbued her with some sort of fucking intellect (and yea, she has a thing for black guys). WRONG! Degrassi:1 Your Judgemnet:0. This girl, named Emma, thought it was a great idea to meet one of her e-mail pals at some local hotel. So what happens to her? Instead of meeting the young boy she thought she was conversing back and forth with, she is greeted by this middle aged molester who almost screws this little bitch, but somehow she gets this sudden influx of intelligence and locks herself in the bathroom and proceeds to call police. Unrealistic to say the least. If some dumb 12 year-old thinks its a good idea to meet her “friend” at some hotel on a friday night, odds are she isn’t smart enough to escape from her molester. If I had to write this script, I would have ended the show with the police finding Emma’s body severed from her head, molested in every hole possible with clothes strewn all over the floor. That should fucking send a message to those pre-pubescent assholes watching Degrassi. But hey, the hell do I know, right?

Moving on, I would like to introduce everyone to the obligatory fat person on Degrassi, meet Terri.

As you can guess, Terri is fat and has no self-esteem. She constantly degrades herself, and I find it rather refreshing that a fat person knows she is fat and doesn’t try to hide it with large clothing. So because she is fat, she takes abuse rather well and because of this personality trait, finds a boyfriend who is totally into the dominatrix shit. I will get to this later…just know that Terri represented a person that might actually exist in society, so the Degrassi creators killed the character off.

Next on my list is this bitch.

Let me put it succinctly, she has no place in the show. She was described in one episode has hating Muslims. That’s right she hates people who follow the religion of Islam…her own nationality she claims is Jamaican. Understandable? WRONG AGAIN! Degrassi: 2, Your Common Sense: 0. THIS BITCH TURNS OUT TO BE A MUSLIM HERSELF. She was depicted in this one episode as picking on the one muslim in her school, but it turns out she was just trying to hide her real past, which was being a follower of Islam. Who the fuck turns on their own people like that? I could totally see like a jew like me who is tall and intimidating picking on some muslim, but a small black girl with an attitude problem? Good job Degrassi creators, because now you have really sold me on the believability of the show.

Now introducing the uberbitch, Paige.

Paige is that blonde-haired bitch who thinks she is fine and popular and shit. Known to everyone as “that bitch,” the producers of Degrassi actually struck the right cord when they made this character. But they pull no punches, as they to do the best they can to fuck with this character. So what happens to her? She gets raped. Yea, some dude she thought was hot invited her to some party, took her upstairs and proceeded to rape her. Nothing out of the ordinary for Degrassi, this type of shit happens all the time. Sure she wants to do something about it, but she’s afraid, and the show writers, realizing that they wrote themselves into a fucking corner, drop the story line and don’t continue on with what happens. Basically, this dude raped some girl, and nothing happened as a result of it. God what a great world those people. I’d love to go live there…rape someone and not even think twice about it…*sigh*

Everyone, meet the emo shithead character Elle.

Look at her, I swear to god I want to body slam her into a brick wall so bad it gives me a headache. Go ahead, look at her and her self-righteous “I don’t care what other people think of me” pose. Sure she could be the foundation of tomorrow’s Women Empowerment movement, but apparently she has a problem with cutting herself. That’s right, she gets masochistic pleasure out of cutting her arm and seeing how much it bleeds. At this point in time, you’ve got to be saying to yourself what the fuck have these kids not already gone through? Believe me it gets better.

Everyone, I’d like y’all to meet the Degrassi’s slut Manny.

In the beginning, this girl was young, not interesting, and had no tits. Four to five years later, she has developed into a subject that any grown man would take full advantage of. Personally, I would love nothing more than to hate-fuck this bitch so hard that I would make the sodomy scene in American History X look like consensual love making. Seriously, it would be so hard, I would brake the bottom of her spinal cord, she would never be able to walk again. She starred in this one episode where she decides to show off her figure by wearing low rider jeans and thong hiked up as far past her hips as possible. Basically every guy she passed by in that episode popped a boner in less than two seconds, and needless to say, her character tries to whore herself to as many boyfriends as possible. Now I will admit, I myself paid little attention to other people 9th-12th grade, but where the fuck was this girl in my high school? I was looking for a “Manny” around where I lived for a quite some time, but to no avail. Oh, I know why, BECAUSE FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS DON’T FUCKING WEAR THONGS UP PAST THEIR HIPS WITH LOW RIDER JEANS IN HIGH SCHOOL. Where did the show’s creators get their material, some fucking wet dream they had? How come they just don’t make softcore porn for teens while they’re at it, huh? All very good questions. My guess is that they probably figured out that too many young boys were masturbating to Manny’s antics and had to change the direction of the show for fear of a spinoff show that stars Manny where all she does is striptease. I would pay to see that show, I don’t care if that is pedophilia.

Whores galore on Degrassi. And shit is only gonna get better from here as I introduce the mellowdrama that is the guys of Degrassi High.

Take a look at the future of the meatpacking workers industry.

Yea, its that common everyday shithead annoying skateboarder kid. Every high school has them, in fact, every high school has a group of them. I can’t remember how many times I have had this one dream about beating the shit out of a skateboarder…but I’ll leave that to another blog. On top of being an annoying shithead, this guy steals from his best friend because he is jealous of the things he has. What kind of best friend is that? If my best friend stole something from me, he would have to die. That kind of shit doesn’t make sense to me, but to hell with reason. In Degrassi, anything is possible.

This leads me to the said best friend as I mentioned before.

What can I say, the guy is black and therefore good in sports. Degrassi loves to continue the stereotype. I will continue more on stereotyping later. Just know that this guy gets shot up.

Next comes this joke of a character.

Mister “wrong side of 8 mile,” this is Sean. He is a white kid with a bad attitude. His underdeveloped arms and overdeveloped testosterone-filled attitude make for a tough kid who is all talk. I hate these people almost as much as skateboarders. And here is a fucking shocker, if you had to guess this guy’s age, how old would you guess? 14? 15? WRONG AGAIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Degrassi: 3, Your Judgement: 0. In real life, this guy is a full year older than me! UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE HUH? Yea, look at his arms. I can’t see any muscle definition at all. I looked like that when I was in the 7th grade. If I had to bet who would win in a fight, me at 13, or this guy at 19 (which he is) I would choose myself at 13. Look at this guys eyebrows…I’ve seen images of Neanderthal humans whose eyebrows aren’t nearly as thick as “Sean’s.” This character is laughable. When I first saw this guy, my bullshit detector went off like no other. Good job Degrassi talent recruiters.

Then comes this guy.

You can tell he’s working the boyish charm thing. Keeps clean shaven, just how the ladies like it. Only one problem. This dude comes from a broken home (insert collective sigh here). His mom is dead and is dad was controlling and abusive. God forbid Craig came home 5 minutes late or else he would get the shit beaten out of him. You know what, it looks like he deserves it. Just when I thought there was at least one good part of the show, Degrassi slaps me upside the head with the sledgehammer of plot twist. Turns out this guy’s dad is such a fucking psycho, one day he just peels out in his BMW after a rage-filled diatribe against his son where he proceeds to get into a car accident and kill himself. That’s right, even more shit ass drama turns out to be just another day at Degrassi. But it gets better, Craig blows off his father’s death as if it were nothing and what happens to him? He gets not one but two girlfriends. And he manages them both for an extremely long amount of time. Mind you, this guy is like 16, manages two bitches, and doesn’t get caught. Grown men spend their lives to even achieve half of the success that Craig has. Congratualtions Craig, you might as well wear a fur fucking coat and a purple hat with a feather in it because you are a P.I.M.P. Real fucking realistic Degrassi, keep up the good work.

I’m going to be real short and to the point with this one.

This is Marco. As you can see, he is gay. A gay character on a show for kids. When did he decide he was gay you ask? At the ripe old age of 14. Yup, he decided he was gonna take up the ass reeeeeeaaaaaaal early. This just makes me sick. I think there were gay people at my high school, but I’m not sure. I really would not like to know either. I just shudder everytime I see this person.

Finally we have Rick.

Look for this kid in your local high school shooting. Rick’s character is a fuck up. Simply put, his life is just fucked, thats all. Remember Terri? Yea, he had a thing for her. He’s really into being abusive/possessive and did everything her could to intimidate the fat bitch. This is the thing that REALLY put me over the edge. The way that they made him act seemed too mature. The way a 15 year-old is possessive and the way a 40 year-old is possessive is very different. They made Rick seem like a scheming sadist with his FIRST girlfriend. So he is basically ostracized by the Degrassi community, but he tries to get back in their good graces. But his efforts fail. Being constantly picked on, he did the only thing the Degrassi writers thought he could do, HE WENT ON A SCHOOL KILLING FUCKING RAMPAGE. This dude brings a .22 and puts a hole through the black kid (sterotype) before he gets into a struggle with the fake ass tough kid (Sean) and shoots himself where he later dies. Fucking pussy. If I got shot in the stomach, I would laugh it off, but then again, thats just me…

After all the drama that has happend on Degrassi, the show ends the season with a school shooting…what a way to go out. I could just see the directors in some room writing this show, digging themselves into a deeper and deeper hole. Now I don’t know much about directing, but I produced two movies totalling 5 minutes of film over a one year course in film during my senior year in high school. The two movies I created were shit, and I still got an A in the course (thank you bobby bongos). I can honestly say, with no ego, I put more storyline content in the 5 minutes of film that I created than the amount of storyline that exists in 4 seasons of Degrassi.

If it were God’s will for me to die right now and go to hell, and I had a choice of what to do for the rest of eternity, either watch every episode of Degrassi ever created or fellate a hot curling iron, I would cry. I would cry because I would not be able to determine which is the lesser of the two evils.

I hope that the creators of Degrassi stumble upon this one day. I hope they read every fucking word and then proceed to commmit suicide.

Degrassi… I hope you people choke and die.

This portion is done by davepoobond:

As an addition to Return of the Dragon’s very well written article, he did forget two of THE most annoying characters on the show, which I will introduce in my part of this article. All others pale in comparison to how much of a killing spree that I MYSELF want to go on after seeing an episode of this drivel with them in it. I would so wish to just run down the halls of Degrassi MYSELF and shoot everyone in the head. Unfortunately, Rick beat me to it, but didn’t get the job done right since the show isn’t exactly over. I haven’t watched Degrassi for a long time, because I can’t take that shit, plain and simple. If I watched it every week my blood pressure would become so high that I would get an aneurysm instantly. I’d have three heart attacks, go blind, go deaf and then have my balls fall off all at the same time if i watched a whole season in one day.

It is so annoying to watch the relationships go through the best of times and worst of times in this show. For the longest time, Ashley and that black guy Jimmy went out. And then Emma and Sean liked each a lot, but then Sean started hanging out with some bullies from the high school or some shit like that. Then Ashley and Jimmy break up, and Ashley goes “bad.” Then Emma finds out she likes 10 inch cock instead of Sean’s 2 inches. And the next two characters I will explain had some sexual tension between themselves, which makes it even MORE annoying, because those two interacting together is worse enough. The mere THOUGHT of seeing them together as a couple or even kissing would be worse than Hiroshima AND the Tsunami that everybody’s and their dog donated money to.

This is Tobi. He’s Ashley’s brother.

You could say that this guy was pretty much the main star of Degrassi for at least a season. Ashley and himself go to the same school, and they hate each other, rightfully so. This guy is such a turd burglar its not even funny. He’s a kiss-ass through and through and as soon as something goes down that he doesn’t like he tells an adult. He’s a fucking snitch, a fucking loser, and has/had only one friend. But then he told on his friend for doing some stupid shit, but Tobi couldn’t keep it a secret because of his “morals.” Tobi’s friend was the only TOLERABLE character on the goddamn show. But then they had to make Tobi’s friend fucking annoying by making Tobi and his friend hate the fucking guts out of each other because of that earlier incident.

This is Liberty. When she comes to mind, I think of a secretary. A stupid fucking secretary who has no job opportunities other than being a secretary for the rest of her life.

Liberty is the MOST annoying piece of shit character on this fucking show. She acts like she’s smart, but she’s really just a fucking stupid morron who doesn’t know shit. I hate her, I hate Tobi, and Tobi hated her. But guess what? Liberty was all after Tobi’s ass for like a whole season. And then they kissed I THINK. I think I saw that shit, too. None of these people described deserve to be on a television show at all. The people who made this show need to die, the people work on the show besides the best boy and the gaffer need to die. All copies of any episode of this garbage need to be burned or destroyed, and every television set that has Noggin should block it from their channel listings.

FUCK DEGRASSI, DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION, AND FUCK NOGGIN!