Bad Submission #18958

This form was submitted: Feb 26 2005 / 06:49:44

name = kelly AKA kitty kat
bjoke = i waz ova my blondes friends house when i go hey i brought ove sum scatch and sniff stickes wanna c them ……she goes sure .lets take em’ to the pool with us so we can swim to!
so when we get into the pool and she sais my favorite flavor is watermelon …….find a sticker that smells like watermellon !
after i found one she gets excited but i dropped it at the bottom of the pool ….. she goes thats ok , swims to the bottom of the pool and smells it !!!!!!!!!i never heard from her again !

 

The Holiday List Submission

This form was submitted:  Oct 04 2003 / 18:17:57

name = Go Smoke A Toilet
type = The Squackle Holiday Calendar
title = Holidays
submission = Ok, first a note to Dave:  Sorry I didn’t send all those dates in a bulk submission.  Well, now I am!  So here’s all those dates that made your mailbox freeze or something last time.  Well, here they are.  Hope they’re messed up enough to actually make it onto the calendar.

1/2 – National End A Romance Day
1/4 – National Leave A Dance Before It’s Ended Day
1/7 – National First Dance Ever Day
1/8 – National Elvis Presley Day
1/11 – National Socializing Day
1/17 – National Co-Deejay A Dance Day
1/28 – National Freak Out About A Presentation Day
1/30 – National Plunge Yourself Into Oblivion Freaking Out About The Regents Day
2/1 – National Hate High School Day
2/6 – National Grandmas’ Birthdays Day
2/8 – National Dance Failure Day
2/9 – National Dance Underachievement Day
2/10 – National 210 day
2/22 – National Realize You Have An Elderly Relative And Talk To Them Day
3/16 – National Get Your Braces On Day
3/19 – National Cancel A Field Trip Day
3/22 – National Good Disco Dance Day
3/23 – National Not Good Disco Dance Day
4/1 – National Play A Prank On Someone Day (oh wait…that’s April Fools’ Day…nevermind)
4/12 (Fridays only) – National Go To School And Find Out There’s Not A Dance When You Thought There Was Day
4/16 – National Hot Mammas’ Birthday Day
4/29 – National Hate Your Current (Non) Romance Life Day
4/31 – National Non-Existance Day
5/5 – National Lose A Tooth Day
5/12 – National Have Your First Slow Dance Day
5/21 – National Freak Out About Your Junior Prom Day
5/22 – National Junior Prom Day
6/1 – National Your Crush’s Birthday Day
6/11 – National Piano Recital Day
6/17 – National Female Friends’ Birthday Day
6/19 – National End Your Piano Lessons Day
6/24 – National High School Graduation Day
6/29 – National Stop Downloading Music Day
6/30 – National Bad Sports’ Day
7/3 – National Be Proud Of The House You Live In Day
7/5 – National Wedding Anniversary Day
7/7 – National Pee In A Pool Day
7/8 – National Be Ticked Off At Your Orthodontists Day
7/10 – National Siblings’ Birthdays Day
7/12 – National Father’s Birthday Day
7/17 – National Pets’ Birthdays Day
7/25 – National Feel Good About Yourself Day
7/29 – National Aunts’ Birthdays Day
8/1 – National First Date Day
8/12 – National Get Your Braces Off Day
8/14 – My birthday
8/17 – National Get High-Speed Internet Day
9/6 – National HAM Radio Day
9/17 – National Grandpas’ Birthdays Day
9/22 – National Lifelong Friend’s Birthday Day
9/25 – National Uncles’ Birthdays Day
10/2 – National Get In Trouble With The Principal For The First Time In Your Entire School Career Day
10/4 – National Message Received Day
10/5 – National Drive For The First Time Day
10/6 – National Have Your Last Slow Dance Day
10/11 – National Homecoming Dance Day
10/21 – National PSATs Day
10/25 – National Saturday Detention Day
10/26 – National See Your Crush With Someone Else Day
11/1 – National Absolutely Terrible Dance Day
11/5 – National Friends’ Parents’ Wedding Anniversary Day
11/7 – National Hope You Deejay The Dance You Want To Day
11/25 – National Become A Vegetarian Day
12/2 – National Male Friends’ Birthday Day
12/10 – National Mother’s Birthday Day
12/15 (Fridays only) – National Have Two Slow Dances In One Night Day
12/25 (Yes, I know this is Christmas, but that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate another day along with the holiday that occurs on the day you’re celebrating your day on) – National Hate A Toy Day
12/31 (See previous comments about the two-holiday-in-one-day thing) – National Gear Yourself Up For Another Year Day

Another Note To Dave:  I understand if you don’t put all of these dates up.  It’d probably be too much work.  But please try to get some of these up.  I hope this submission isn’t too long for you to recieve.  Thanks again.

– Go Smoke A Toilet

P.S.  If you decide to put only one date up to annoy me or something (or just hate me, lol), please put up my birthday (either you can scroll up and painstakingly look through the huge list of all of my (hopefully not) insignificant dates with which I burdened you (and you probably didn’t want them in the first place), or you can simply look at the next three numbers:  8/14).  Thanks.

P.P.S.  What happened to my bad IM submissions?

P.P.P.S.  When do you usually come online?

P.P.P.P.S.  Ha ha.  Look at all the P’s.  Pee.  Ha ha.  Pee pee pee pee.  Ha ha.  Peeing feels good.  Ha ha.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Are you really reading all this?

P.P.P.P.P.P.S.  I can’t believe I actually spent all this time writing this letter.  You probably won’t even include this on the Squackle™ site (which I might add is the best site I’ve come across on the Internet so far).

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.  Oh well.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.  Bye.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.  I hope I’m not annoying you.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.  Did I break the record for the longest submission to Squackle™?  I hope I did.  Oh well.  I guess you’ll tell me via IM or something.  Anyways, this is the end of the submission.  You can wake up now.  WAKE UP, DAVE!!!!!!!!!!!  Ahem.  So glad to have you back, Dave.  Have you ever been joked about in relation to 2001:  A Space Odyssey, Dave?  I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Dave.  I haven’t actually seen the movie, but I might.  So I don’t really know any good HAL jokes, but I do know that it was a suicidal computer.  Well, this really is the TOTAL, complete, full, and undoubtable end to this submission.  Bye.

 

HEX Mode on the Calculator

People somewhat smarter than me may know what the HEX mode on a calculator is used for.  However, I don’t fucking understand it.  I just find it hilarious.  So, I thought it would be infinitely amusing to list a bunch of stupid shit I got while messing around with HEX mode.

Here it is!

In HEX Mode on the calculator…

b * c = 84

a * e = 8C

E – F = FFFFFFFFFF

def * 2 = 1bde

b00 * 8 = 5800

bc / 6 = 1F

1F * 4 = 7C

7C – 3 = 79

79 * 4 = 1E4

cafe + 5 = Cb03

bed + 7 = bF4

bF4 + 7 = bFb

9 / b = 0

77 / F = 7

98b + 5 = 990

990 / 98 = 10

12 / 9 = 2

58 * 2 = b0

65 / 6 = 10

65 / 9 = b

 

Hate Mail #18863: A Letter From Simona

Hello Dave,

I wrote to you two years ago regarding an entry on your dictionary on Squackle.com. The entry is “<censored>“.

I have a huge sense of humour (even though I’m Italian) but I do really think this description on Internet could defame my husband’s name.

So…would you please to remove it soon or do I have to feel seriously motivated to sue you and your blogsite to the Authorities?

Please, let me know. I’m not joking, this time!

Simona

davepoobond’s response:

Simona,

Sorry, but I never received your initial e-mail 2 years ago. It was probably hotmail’s spam filter that ate it.

Thank you for threatening me with legal/authoritical action.

The fact is that “<censored>” is probably not even the <censored> that you are married to unless he is the also akin to Harry Potter.

I will, however, take the name off since because you have supposedly taken offense to it. Know that I am not the one who came up with the word, so you should find out who hates your husband.

Thanks for being a repeat visitor!

 

Cashier Lesson – Counterfeit Bills

This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

This is written as a satirical instructional article.  I wrote this a long time ago, don’t know exactly when.

When checking if a bill is counterfeit, please do the following:

1. Lick it.

If the ink on the paper appears to fade after each successive lick, it is most likely not fake. Ink on real money does not dry, as odd as it may seem.

2. Hold bill up to the light.

This sends a message to everyone around you that someone is paying with a big bill. You will not only put that customer’s life in danger because they are now, by default, given the status of being a high roller, but you will give the incantation that you know what you’re looking for.

It doesn’t matter if you know what you’re looking for either, just pretend like you do.

Protip: most people will not know what you are looking for — this method also prevents people from making jokes (as opposed to using a regular counterfeit pen) because they are (most likely) embarrassed to say something retarded like “its fake, i just printed it out this morning” because you’re including more people in the transaction than just you and the customer.

3. Loud Music at all times.

When possible, have music at a volume that will be hard for a customer to crack a joke about money being fake, because you’ll have to ask them to explain it again, and it’s very disconcerting to explain it over your music. The most effective music for this technique is hardcore or really fast music, such as Bane, Hatebreed, Throwdown, Fear Before the March of Flames, and for the emo touch, Hawthorne Heights, Silverstein, or From First to Last.  Heavy metal works as well, and this includes DragonForce or Metallica from the 1980s.

4. Pretend you don’t care – give them the cold shoulder.

This works wonders to avoid stupid counterfeit bill jokes. Just nod your head slightly to convey the message you understand their joke, as if you haven’t heard it a million times before, so they don’t try and explain it to you again. Under any circumstance, DO NOT LAUGH. It ISN’T funny. You’re bound to have heard every joke in the book at this point in your career as a cashier.

 

Rejected International Sports Team Names

– Brussels Sprouts

– Cannes Openers

– Amsterdam Yankees

– Vienna Sausages

– Belgium Waffles

– Manila Folders

– Czech Bouncers

– New Dehli Catessans

– Buenos Airheads

– Guadalajara Krishnas

– Iraqi Raccoons

– Bolivia DeHavillands

– Seoul Brothers

– Taipei Personalities

– Syria Killers

– Hungary Jacks

– Dublin Mint Twins

– Prague Tologists

– Peking Toms

 

What Your Pet Name Really Means

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you *really* means…..

Darling – Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear – Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart – If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet.  But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe – Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll – This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter.  He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.

Princess – Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.

Sexy – Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend – He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!

The wife – If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half – You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus – See The Wife.

My partner – He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other – He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed – He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.

 

What NOT to Put on a Resume

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:

– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.

– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

– I am a rabid typist.

– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.

– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.

– Qualifications: No education or experience.

– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!