Cashier Lesson – Being a Receptionist Without a Chair

This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

Everyone knows that when you’re a receptionist or manning a desk you either are standing up, sitting down, or leaning against whatever can hold you weight.  But what people don’t know is how to cope with being a receptionist in a situation where the desk is made for sitting but there is no chair!  It’s supposed to make you look more approachable when you’re standing around looking like you’re straining to do everything you’re trying to do rather than sitting in a chair using the desk that is made for sitting in the way it was designed to.

So you are forced to stand, but lo and behold, you’re not four feet tall, so 85% of the surface is out of reach and the other 10% is unusable due to line of sight issues.  That leaves approximately 2.5% of the desk you used to be able to use for use.  The other 2.5% is taken up by the normal useless junk that you’re required to keep on your desk, such as business cards and phones — you never had that to begin with anyway.

There are a number of solutions to tackle this problem.  Pick the most viable solution for your situation:

1. Bring the counter to you.

This solution requires you to engineer the desk or counter in such a fashion that it rises approximately three feet into the air.  You can use anti-gravity machinery or exquisitely stylish cherry-wood wedges to accomplish this.  It’d be like you’re sitting… but you’re standing!

2. Bring you to the counter.

This solution requires you to invent the marmalade that Alice drinks in Alice in Wonderland.  Just make sure you drink just enough to shrink to the size of the desk.  But I guess you can drink enough so that you can swim around in the tears of lazy receptionists who don’t like to stand up while being a receptionist.

3. Pretend like you’re sitting.

Who says you can’t sit without a chair?  You can crouch or sit on an imaginary chair, or develop a jet engine system to keep yourself comfortably levitated at the elevation of your counter.

4. Get a new counter/table.

The most sensible solution of all is to get a new counter.  But sensibility is more expensive than a new counter, so you’ll most likely have to forgo this solution nine times out of ten.

5. Bring the surface of the counter to you.

I suppose this is most sensible low-cost solution.  But this means you spend money on ancillary items when you could just solve your problem by using the chair you already bought instead of raised surfaces to solve a problem you didn’t need to create.  But, who cares, it’s just money, right?

Another challenge that is presented is your ability to be sneaky about things.  While in a chair, you would be able to sneak a snack or a peek at your cell phone just to holla at your homies.  There are only two presentable solutions available to tackle this problem:

1. Hide under the counter/desk.

Hiding under the counter/desk allows you to temporarily shirk any responsibilities you may have been forced to do.  You can hide from customers, managers, other employees — its like a safe haven for about five minutes while you sext that hottie you met at the bar last night.

2. Make the counter into a fort.

Nothing says “fuck you” to customers better than stacking up large amounts of random shit so high into the air so they can’t see you anymore.  Who says you need to help anyone but yourself?  You need some alone time randomly during the day after you’re creeping on the hot guy/girl trying on a shirt in front of the fixture instead of the fitting room?  Time to get some boxes and staple a handwritten “Do Not Disturb” sign so people can’t see you anymore, and don’t come-a-knocking.

 

Major To Major

I’ll say a sentence, and for various majors, I will translate for you:

“In physics class, he almost fell on the slippery floor.”

Physics: “In physics class, the coefficient of friction was such that he almost collided with the ground at an impact which would be painful, but he quickly shifted his center of mass to overcome the change in displacement of his feet in relation to the rest of his body.”

Education: “Now class, make sure you watch where you step, or you might fall down and get a boo-boo!”

Business: “Judging from our third quarter report, sales are down because the floor was slippery, but our stockholders will catch us if Human Resources gets their act together.”

Chemistry: “Ka-blamo!”

Sports Management: “STEVENSON! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE FLOOR! THIS ISN’T A SLUMBER PARTY! I WANT YOU TO RUN 30 MORE LAPS!”

Theatre: “Alas, science has fallen me yet again. This floor, laden with water of Hades, seeks to claim my soul. Lo! If only thou wouldst catch me at my utmost diagonal juxtaposition, your thanks would be mine to give.”

Art: “The pea green chalkboard distracted the fleshy-colored person from the transparent water, and he slipped on the beige floor.”

Pre-law: “Your Honor, my client, the floor, had no involvement in the slippage, as the water was placed there without the floor’s consent. The floor is not slippery given the right conditions. I move for a mis-trial.”

Undecided: “Uh…..”

History: “The Mayans were a very advanced civilization. Many Mayan scholars were learned in physics, and pretty much everyone knew that if a floor was slippery, to let their slaves to mop it up and put a wet floor sign up.”

Computer Science:

try {
Walk->chalkboard;
if (floor == slippery)
throw (walking_error(Sussman));
}

catch (exception & fall) {
cout << fall.what() << “You almost fell. Nerd.” endl;
}

 

Music: “Why would I go to physics? My major involves learning nothing.”

Liberal Studies: “Same here.”

Psychology: “The floor’s inferiority complex conflicted with the subconscious of him, who wished nothing more than to walk over it like he did with his former self.”

Political Science: “If I’m elected, I will do everything in my power to ensure that our floors will never be too slippery. Vote for me.”

French: “Haw haw haw! You silly American pig!”

“You just can’t eat hot soup with your bare hands.”

Theology: “Thou shalt not consume unleavened bread with thine arms of God.”

Theatre: “Soup tempt me no further! Silverware must I use to defeat thee!”

Physics: “It is impossible to transfer soup of at least 120°F into one’s mouth using an apparatus, like hands, which cannot withstand the heat.”

Undecided: “Uhhhhhh.”

Education: “Now, Goldilocks thought the first bowl of porridge was too hot, but she didn’t have a spoon to use.”

Computer Science:

Soup campbell(cream_of_potato);
campbell.cook(5) // Cook for 5 minutes
if (!fork && campbell.temp() >= too_hot)
{ campbell.spill_down_your_shirt();
campbell.scream_in_agony();
}
Marketing: “This soup is hot hot hot! Too hot for hands! Only $99.95! Call now and we’ll throw in these special soup-eating gloves!”

Psychology: “Your hands are jealous of the soup and its intensity. This stems back to a repressed childhood memory in which your parents used to feed you strained peas which were way too hot and you cried.”

French: “We call soup bouillabaisse. Haw haw haw!”

Journalism: “Twelve ounces of soup were detained Monday when it scalded the hands of a local moron, authorities said.”

Music:

“Vegetable! (Vegetable!)
Chicken noodle! (Chicken noodle!)
Alphabet! (Alphabet!)
Spaghettios! (That ain’t soup!)
Matzoh ball! (Matzoh ball!)
Split pea! (No soup for you!)
Minestrone! (Minestrone!)
Tom Kha Gai! (That soup’s hot!)
Leeky-leeky! (Leeky-leeky!)
Wonton! (Wonton!)
Gazpacho! (You can do that!)”

– Da Vinci’s Notebook, “Hot Soup”

“The Devil Rays will not win the World Series this year.”

Theatre: “A dagger through my heart, and a baseball through my legs, our misled fish of the Devil shalt finish last.”

Nursing: “Doctor! The pitching staff is choking! Perform the Heimlich!”

Communications: “We need to tell people that the D-Rays suck, but by using as much technology as possible so it gets to all corners of the globe 1/100th of a second faster.

Undecided: “Uhh…”

Education: “Now class, it’s not whether you win or lose, but whether or not you finish in last place every year you’ve been in existence.”

Computer Science:

DevilRays.setLosses(100);
DevilRays.fire(“Lou Piniella”);
DevilRays.contract();

Music: “I have a useless major, but at least I got paid 50 bucks to sing the National Anthem.”

Journalism: “The Devil Rays, the minor league team of the Yankees, suffered another losing season and drew a total of 200 fans.”

Spanish: “I can’t talk right now. I have to get on a raft and defect to America, so I can play for the horrible Tampa Bay team.”

 

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Bad Submission #21009

Submitted through the Other submission form.

name = mystic faerie
email = erikaoneal11@
use_email = no
type = songs
title = death
submission = death, i long 4 u
the date of my death is Tuesday, January 24, 2073
i can prove it.
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