My husband is so bald that when you look at him from a distance, it looks like his neck is blowing bubblegum.
My wife wouldn’t agree to us having adjoining funeral plots. She says that knowing the way I sleep, I’d probably hog all the sod.
Your momma is like a TV, even a two-year-old can turn her on.
My kids’ table manners disgust me. You can’t imagine how sickening it is to watch a four-year-old and a five-year-old sip chicken noodle soup through crazy straws.
My mother-in-law is so overweight, her rolls of fat come in a baker’s dozen.
An airplane ran out of gas, so the pilot parachuted out over the jungle. He landed in a cannibal pot. The chief came along and saw the pilot in the pot and yelled.
“What’s this flier doing in my soup?”
Q: What kind of baseball games did loony King Henry VIII like to watch?
It’s easy to tell if a pitcher is throwing spit balls… The catcher will be wearing a raincoat and galoshes.
Q: Who holds the world’s underwater submergence record?
A: Nobody knows. He hasn’t come up yet.
Sometimes I think of myself as a big bunion on the little toe of life.
Q: How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
A: They both have rings!
Q: What do you get if you cross a telephone with a night crawler?
Q: I run, yet I have no legs. What am I?
A: A nose.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who tried to amputate his right arm at a Denny’s?
A: I hope he got all of his leftovers.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.