#10269: J-Dogg -> Partner8

This entry is part 12 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.

Partner8: Who the fuck are you?

J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:

J-Dogg: Fuck me, Fuck me.

J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.

Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?

J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.

Partner8: Is that like cancer?

J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don’t have the technology of chemotherapy.

Partner8: Good one romeo.

J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you tihink it must be taking over your mind, theres nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.

The salmon swim at night.

Towards your room.

The snow and the moon.

Partner8: that was never a haiku.

J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Withought my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.

Partner8: That made even less sense than your “haiku”

J-Dogg: So you ready to fuck then?

Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.

J-Dogg: …

Partner8: ?

J-Dogg: I’m spent.

 

#10268: Partner6 -> J-Dogg

This entry is part 11 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

Partner6: So you’re really a 18 yr old girl right?

J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.

Partner6: So whats with the “Dogg”

J-Dogg: Uh, It’s cause I’m into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.

Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?

J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.

Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?

J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.

Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my “gun”.

J-Dogg: Ohh, it’s so big.

Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?

J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.

Partner6: It likes that.

J-Dogg: aight.

Partner6: Keep talking to me baby…

J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.

Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.

J-Dogg: I unzip my pants…

Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.

J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts…

Partner6: WTF?!

J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!

Partner6: I’ve had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck women…

J-Dogg: Shit just don’t shoot me man, I wasn’t serious about the guns I have, I’m unarmed!

Partner6: You dipshit.

J-Dogg: I whimper to myself…

J-Dogg: please don’t shoot me Mr.

 

#10267: I.F. -> 1hOttYeVe

This entry is part 10 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

I.F.: My shit is hard you ready to jump aboard?

1hOttYeVe: oh yhea im so wet right now

I.F.: Why you just shower?

1hOttYeVe: no im wet for you

I.F.: Did you ever play with supersoakers when you were a kid? or that gator shit you would dive and slide down, there was that badass pool at the end of it.

1hOttYeVe: What the fuck are you talking about? You wanna cyber or not?

I.F.: I do! Sorry…I just didnt know why you were wet…then you say your wet for me, and im thinking I didnt even throw water on you…

I.F.: Im sorry lets continue!

1hOttYeVe: alright then…I walk over to you and start kissing your neck and chest

I.F.: I pop like 16 boners

1hOttYeVe: what the fuck!

I.F.: what?

 

#10266: I.F. -> SexyKarla17

This entry is part 9 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

I.F.: You ready yet? Im bearing to go!

SexyKarla17: Yhea im slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?

I.F.: a Kodiac bear

SexyKarla17: ?

I.F.: Im soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me

SexyKarla17: Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair, kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach

I.F.: I growl to warm you my cubs are near

SexyKarla17: huh?

I.F.: Bears get fuckin pumped when anyone is near their cubs

SexyKarla17: yhea hehe dont be silly..

SexyKarla17: I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.

I.F.: Bears dont wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now

SexyKarla17: hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for you to start licking it off me slowly

I.F.: I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and walking towards you

I.F.: I Growl again, and start to bite you

SexyKarla17: Yhea that feels good..ooooo…not too hard now

I.F.: I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play with you like a ragdoll.

SexyKarla17: what the fuck?

I.F.: uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and im spent.

 

#10265: Wellhung -> Sweetheart

This entry is part 8 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom.There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it.I’m wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

 

#10264: sweet17 -> Bloodninja

This entry is part 7 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

sweet17: Hi

Bloodninja: hello

Bloodninja: who is this?

sweet17: just a someone?

Bloodninja: A someone I know?

sweet17: nope

Bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?

sweet17: well sorrrrrry

sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you

Bloodninja: why?

sweet17: nevermind your an jerk

Bloodninja: Hey wait a minute

sweet17: yes?

Bloodninja: look I’m sorry. I’m just a little paranoid

sweet17: paranoid?

Bloodninja: yes

sweet17: of what?

sweet17: me?

Bloodninja: No. I’m in hiding.

sweet17: LOL

Bloodninja: Don’t fucking laugh at me!

Bloodninja: This shit is serious!

sweet17: What are you hiding from?

Bloodninja: The cops.

sweet17: gimme a fucking break

Bloodninja: I’m serious.

sweet17: I don’t get it

Bloodninja: The cops are after me.

sweet17: For what?

Bloodninja: I’m wanted in three states

sweet17: For???

Bloodninja: It’s kind of embarrasing.

Bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.

Bloodninja: Hello?

sweet17: You are fucking sick.

Bloodninja: Send me your picture.

sweet17: why?

Bloodninja: so I know you aren’t one of them.

sweet17: One of what?

Bloodninja: The cops.

sweet17: I’m not a cop i told you

Bloodninja: Then send me your picture.

sweet17: hold on

Bloodninja: Hurry up.

Bloodninja: Are you there?

Bloodninja: Fuck you, cop!

sweet17: Hey sorry

sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.

Bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.

Bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.

Bloodninja: Weren’t you!?

sweet17: thats not it

Bloodninja: Then what?

sweet17: I don’t want to send you the picture cause I’m not pretty

Bloodninja: Most cops aren’t

sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU ASSHOLE!

Bloodninja: Then send me the picture.

sweet17: fine. What’s your e-mail?

Bloodninja: Just send it through here.

sweet17: alright *PIC*

sweet17: Did you get it?

Bloodninja: Hold on. I’m looking.

sweet17: That was me back in may

sweet17: I’ve lost weight since then.

Bloodninja: I hope so

sweet17: what?!?

sweet17: that hurt my feelings.

Bloodninja: Did it?

sweet17: Yes. I’m not that much smaller than that now.

Bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?

sweet17: yes

Bloodninja: Alright let me find it.

sweet17: kks

Bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*

sweet17: this isn’t you.

Bloodninja: I’ll be damned if it ain’t!

sweet17: You don’t look like that.

Bloodninja: How the hell do you know?

sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.

Bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.

Bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.

sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol

Bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy….

Bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.

sweet17: Go fuck yourself

Bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture

Bloodninja: Now my unit won’t get hard for a week.

sweet17: I shouldn’t have sent you that picture.

sweet17: You’ve done nothing but slam me.

sweet17: you hurt me.

Bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn’t hurt me?

sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!

Bloodninja: Why would I do that?

sweet17: I can’t believe that cops are after you

Bloodninja: I can’t believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..

sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!

Bloodninja: You’d break both of his legs.

sweet17: You’re a FUCKING ASSHOLE!

sweet17: I’ve been teased my whole life because of my weight

sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don’t even know me

Bloodninja: Ok. I’m sorry.

sweet17: No you aren’t

Bloodninja: You’re right. I’m not.

Bloodninja: HAARRRRR!

sweet17: I’m done with you

Bloodninja: Aww. I’m sorry.

sweet17: I’m putting you on ignore

Bloodninja: Wait a sec

Bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.

Bloodninja: Wanna start over?

sweet17: No

Bloodninja: I’ll eat your kitty

sweet17: You’ll what?

Bloodninja: You heard me.

Bloodninja: I said I’d eat your kitty.

sweet17: I thought you said you couldn’t get it hard after seeing my picture

Bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?

sweet17: I’d like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes

Bloodninja: Well I’m not like most men.

Bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.

sweet17: Like what?

Bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?

sweet17: I don’t know

Bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.

sweet17: I’m afraid to

Bloodninja: Why?

sweet17: cause

Bloodninja: cause why?

sweet17: well lets see

sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out

sweet17: doesn’t that seem strange to you?

Bloodninja: Nope

sweet17: well its strange to me

Bloodninja: Fine. I won’t do it if you don’t want me to

sweet17: I didn’t say that

Bloodninja: So is that a yes?

sweet17: I guess so.

Bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.

Bloodninja: Are you willing?

sweet17: What do you need me to do?

Bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.

sweet17: ???

Bloodninja: When I start to go limp… you say “HARRRR!!!”

Bloodninja: ok?

Bloodninja: Hello?

sweet17: You can’t be serious

Bloodninja: Oh yes I am!

Bloodninja: It’s my fantasy.

sweet17: this is retarded

Bloodninja: Do you want it or not?

sweet17: Yes I want it.

Bloodninja: Then you’ll do it for me?

sweet17: sure

Bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.

Bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.

Bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them

Bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.

Bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.

sweet17: mmmm yeah

Bloodninja: uh oh …going limp.

sweet17: Har

Bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!

Bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.

sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR

Bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.

Bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.

Bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.

Bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.

sweet17: mmmmmm you are good

Bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I suckharder

Bloodninja: going limp

sweet17: HARRRRRRR

Bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.

Bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.

Bloodninja: going limp

sweet17: this is stupid

Bloodninja: …still limp

Bloodninja: Do it!

sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR

Bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.

Bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.

Bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.

sweet17: WTF?!?!?

Bloodninja: They stink really bad.

sweet17: OMG STOP!!!

Bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass

Bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.

Bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.

sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!

Bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.

Bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple…

Bloodninja: I kick you in the face!

sweet17: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!

Bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin…

Bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.

Bloodninja: …going limp again.

Bloodninja: Hello?

Bloodninja: Say it!

Bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

 

#10263: BritneySpears14 -> eminemBNJA

This entry is part 6 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?

eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I’m ready.

BritneySpears14: I like your music Em… Tee hee.

eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.

BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.

BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.

eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: What the fuck, I told you not to message me again.

eminemBNJA: Oh shit

BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I’m gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you fuck up.

eminemBNJA: Oh shit

eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

 

#10262: Bloodninja -> j_gurli13

This entry is part 5 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don’t know how long I can keep it ready for you.

j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i’m a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.

j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don’t wear shirts.

j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it’s just part of the game.

Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don’t play games. They fucking charge your ass.

j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.

Bloodninja: It doesn’t get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

j_gurli13: thats it.

Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

Bloodninja: Fuck am I hard now.

 

#10261: Bloodninja -> BritneySpears14

This entry is part 4 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Bloodninja.

Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

Bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

Bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey…

Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don’t see it.

Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

Bloodninja: Don’t fuck with me biznitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don’t ever message me again you piece.

Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.

Bloodninja: Baby?

 

#10260: Bloodninja -> MommyMelissa

This entry is part 3 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?

MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?

Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?

MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.

Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out

Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.

(pause)

MommyMelissa: is that it?

Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.

Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?

MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables… Can you make it a little more sexy for me?

(pause)

Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach… Sexily.

Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.

MommyMelissa: Grain doesn’t really turn me on… I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.

Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.

Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.

MommyMelissa: …

Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.

MommyMelissa:: What the fuck is this madlibs? I’m outta here.

Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can’t see. Bitch.

MommyMelissa: whatever.

 

#10259: Bloodninja -> DirtyKate

This entry is part 2 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?

DirtyKate: K, but don’t tell anybody 😉

DirtyKate: Who are you?

Bloodninja: I’ve got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot

Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John’s in my Geo Storm.

DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..

Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John’s and make an order

DirtyKate: Haha! OK

DirtyKate: Hello! I’d like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.

Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, “Hello, this is Papa John’s, how may I help you”, then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that’s an X-Large. What toppings do you want?

DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!

Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?

DirtyKate: Umm…Yes

DirtyKate: So you’re bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I’m home alone…and I think I’ll take a shower…

Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I’ll drive to your house.

**pause**

DirtyKate: I’m almost finished with my shower… Hurry up!

Bloodninja: You can’t hurry good pizza.

Bloodninja: I’m on my way now though

**pause**

DirtyKate: So you’re at my front door now.

Bloodninja: How did you know?

Bloodninja: I knock but you can’t hear me cause you’re in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.

Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I’m as hot as a pizza oven

DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I’m all wet and cold. Warm me up baby

Bloodninja: So you’re still in the bathroom?

DirtyKate: Yeah, I’m wrapping a towel around myself.

Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door….

DirtyKate: What the fuck?

DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit

DirtyKate: Fuck

 

#10258: Bloodninja -> Sarah19fca

This entry is part 1 of 13 in the series The Saga of Bloodninja

Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.

Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.

Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.

Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.

Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.

Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.

Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.

Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O’ Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.

Sarah19fca: you like that?

Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.

Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?

Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.

Sarah19fca: Peanuts?

Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.

Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?

Bloodninja: I’m spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.

Sarah19fca: This is stupid.

Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.

Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?

Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.

Sarah19fca: /ignore

Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.

Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

 

#10257: i300767 -> Fire6water

I found this.

—————–

i300767: hey

Fire6water: i4842026

i300767: what?

Fire6water: That’s one of my SNs

i300767: y?

Fire6water: I like the whole, one letter, lots of numbers thing

i300767: hehehe

Fire6water: What’s funny?

i300767: nothing i like it too

Fire6water: You like to giggle, eh?

Fire6water: Very Manly

Fire6water: I’m more of a chuckler

Fire6water: The deep, more manly kind of giggle

i300767: only my numbers are are my id #

i300767: yes yes

i300767: hehe

Fire6water: hauh hauh hauh

Fire6water: That’s my deep manly chuckle

i300767: heh heh

Fire6water: My numbers are a password to a secret government website

Fire6water: want the URL?

i300767: hehe

i300767: yea

i300767: ?

Fire6water: okay

Fire6water: http://www.freedic.com

Fire6water: Do you want to buy my soul?

Fire6water: I’m selling it

i300767: how much?

Fire6water: Here is the URL:

Fire6water: I’m only 759

Fire6water: I’m cheap

i300767: oooohh…i think sold!

i300767: hehehe

Fire6water: So, are you going to sell your soul too?

i300767: nope…i need it…i case of emergency…like it would help

Fire6water: What would a soul do you in an emergency?

i300767: i case i…ummm…i dunno

Fire6water: Souls can’t make you fly

Fire6water: A soul cannot give you immortality

i300767: yea…but…i dunno

Fire6water: What makes your soul so special to you?

i300767: nothing

Fire6water: Then why have it around when you can sell it?

i300767: ummm

Fire6water: Can’t think of anything, right?

i300767: nope

Fire6water: Then give your soul to someone who has a use for it

i300767: mine already expired

Fire6water: Expired, eh?

i300767: yup

Fire6water: Just like how my slut papers expired?

i300767: when i got my frist computer

Fire6water: I am no longer an official slut

i300767: yay!

Fire6water: I have to go down to the official slut office and take the test again

Fire6water: It’s quite simple acually

i300767: plz dont.

Fire6water: They give me three guys and I start my work

i300767: hehehe

Fire6water: the papers last for two years

Fire6water: So, I think I’ll go down this weekend. I’m thinking of bringing a few friends down with me

Fire6water: We can do the group test

Fire6water: The best two out of five sluts become official sluts

i300767: heh

Fire6water: I am most defenetly going to make it

i300767: …

Fire6water: I have been a member for 6 years now

i300767: aaahhhh

Fire6water: Oh yeah, you need to meet my new pimp

i300767: oh…who…tj??

Fire6water: I have two now

Fire6water: Michelle and Mat

Fire6water: The M&M comp.

i300767: aahh

Fire6water: They made a few bucks today

i300767: ooh…hehehe

Fire6water: Daniel, he gave them a few bucks for me

i300767: hey can u make that the m&m&m corp?

Fire6water: Sure

i300767: hehehe^_^

i300767: oopps

Fire6water: there’s that giggling again

i300767: wrong font

Fire6water: M&M&M&M comp.

i300767: who is the other one?

Fire6water: Mako

i300767: ooog is she on?

i300767: oooh^

Fire6water: Is she on what? This earth? Yes.

i300767: no…aim

Fire6water: How can you be on AIM?

Fire6water: She can be online

Fire6water: And be using AIM

i300767: is she?

Fire6water: But she can’t be ON AIM

Fire6water: Yes, she is

i300767: what?

i300767: what sn?

Fire6water: Sore wa himitsu desu

i300767: what?

Fire6water: That is a secret ^.~ b

i300767: damn her!

i300767: damn them all

i300767: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fire6water: Damn the world

i300767: hehehe!

Fire6water: there is that giggling, yet again.

i300767: yes yes

Fire6water: So it’s double words now?

i300767: its a metaphorical figuitive expression of the way my brian wave transfer

i300767: to the mucelse in my fingers

Fire6water: Understandable

i300767: hehehe

Fire6water: that damn giggling is getting annoying

i300767: oh…

i300767: ill stop when i get to speak to Mako!!

i300767: GRRR!!!!

Fire6water: grrr… *shake my fist*

i300767: *^@*^%J&^$I&I^KUM^#

Fire6water: Oh, you want her SN? Why didn’t you say so

Fire6water: GoblinSorceress

Fire6water: There ya go

i300767: oh yes i want it

i300767: ok…hehe

i300767: ooops

Fire6water: No ‘hehe’

i300767: yes sorry

Fire6water: I was drunk last night

i300767: ?

Fire6water: I was acting different than usual

i300767: oh

Fire6water: My bf was very happy after the night was through

Fire6water: ~.^ b

i300767: ooooohh

Fire6water: Yes, I sang contry, his favorite. That’s what we did all night. Karaoke.

i300767: oh…ok

Fire6water: I sang: Baby I’m amazed by you

Fire6water: One of his favorites

i300767: oh! i thought you did something else

Fire6water: Like what?

i300767: nm

 

#8977: JustinChi012 -> davepoobond

I knew someone named Justin at school, and someone who knew him made a screen name after him and IMd me, impersonating him.

JustinChi012: Hello

JustinChi012: Lee Holloway does her best to compose herself as she readies for her job interview.

davepoobond: …

davepoobond: wtf?

davepoobond: justin?

JustinChi012: yes?

davepoobond: why the HELL are you iming me

davepoobond: you blocked me 3 years ago, let alone even talked for that long

JustinChi012: I want to send you a picture of my new girlfriend

davepoobond: bull

JustinChi012: nm

davepoobond: how did you even remember this sn

JustinChi012: HA HA! THAT IS HUMOR, MY FRIEND! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! GET IT? If only the super-intelligent Goth Poets could combine forces with the ultra-hilarious webcomic authors of the world! Then we’d have one easy, visible target to direct the orbiting laser cannons at. Oops, I just ended that last sentence with a preposition.

davepoobond: justin, yer freakin me out. you type too fast

JustinChi012: This is Sam Arnold.

davepoobond: …

davepoobond: who?

davepoobond: how’d you get my sn

davepoobond: hello?

JustinChi012: Damn I still can’t send the pic

davepoobond: …

JustinChi012: I am Justin

davepoobond: i’m on aol…

davepoobond: ok, if yer justin, what classes are you taking

JustinChi012: AP English

JustinChi012: Pre Cal

JustinChi012: w8…y am i tellin yoo dish

davepoobond: trying to find out if yer justin

davepoobond: ok, i believe you in that. what grade did we meet

JustinChi012: Have you ever ate bar-b-que?

JustinChi012: 8th

davepoobond: YOU LIE

davepoobond: 7th grade, dimwit

davepoobond: remember, 7th grade math

davepoobond: who was our teacher

davepoobond: just as i thought

JustinChi012: kissel

davepoobond: unh hunh..

davepoobond: that’s a 50% chance

davepoobond: hold on gtg eat dinner

JustinChi012: Have you ever ate bar-b-que?

davepoobond: why are you asking me that

davepoobond: what i dont understand is why you’re IMing me at all

davepoobond: i thought you hated me..

davepoobond: and i dont see any reason behind why you would want me to see yer girlfriend

davepoobond: unless you wanted me to laugh at you

JustinChi012: because she’s purdy

JustinChi012: that too

JustinChi012: w8…no i dun

davepoobond: hmm….justin usually talked more asian…and didnt use contractions like w8

JustinChi012: fuq yoo

davepoobond: thatsa boy

davepoobond: lessee….what else can i ask you about

davepoobond: to make sure its you

davepoobond: ok, was i your friend in 7th and 8th grade

davepoobond: =-O

davepoobond: yes or no answer the question yes or no answer the question

JustinChi012: no

JustinChi012: How do you feel about “All in the Family”?

davepoobond: good job, thats the right answer

davepoobond: y r u askin me these stupid questions

davepoobond: WAIT A SECOND

davepoobond: HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVEN GET A GIRLFRIEND

davepoobond: yer freakin JUSTIN for cryin out loud

JustinChi012: Do you enjoy the beach?

davepoobond: yes, on occasion

davepoobond: but i dont like it when the giant squids come out and eat your toes

davepoobond: and then the asteroids, and the mermaids….::shudder::

davepoobond: its an evil place that beach

davepoobond: but i like the calming waves

JustinChi012: I once went to the circus and there were lions and one of them took a dump and then the trainer came out and stepped in it and fell down

davepoobond: except when spears shoot out of them

davepoobond: ok then

davepoobond: so then, howsa bout tellin me why yer IMing me and how you remembered this sn

JustinChi012: Because I won the lottery

davepoobond: mmh…interesting aspect that is SINCE YER NOT EVEN GAMBLING AGE-LEGAL

davepoobond: and yer being a little too random for a justin

JustinChi012: ACTUALLY I DONT HAVE ANY GIRLFRIENDS THEY WONT COME OVER BECAUSE ONE TIME ONE OF THEM WENT TO SLEEP AND I PLACED MY PENIS IN THEIR EAR

davepoobond: you fuckin perv, yer not justin at all. shut the fuck up, i aint listenin to you anymore

davepoobond: yer pry one of his stupid friends though

davepoobond: or one of MY friends

JustinChi012: Like I said:I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS THEY WONT COME OVER BECAUSE ONE TIME ONE OF THEM WENT TO SLEEP AND I PLACED MY PENIS IN THEIR EAR

davepoobond: just like when i went over to your place justin?

davepoobond: we had a slumber party remember

davepoobond: you never placed yer penis in my ear

JustinChi012: No we didnt

JustinChi012: Juice Bar

davepoobond: ….

davepoobond: hmm that reminds me

davepoobond: what did colin always call you a long time ago

JustinChi012: I found chocolate bubble gum

JustinChi012: Juice boy Bob

davepoobond: you are so off

davepoobond: you sure got shit for memory for an ap student

JustinChi012: That’s because Im high right now

JustinChi012: Shoe Tree

davepoobond: …

 

#8897: Luxxy23 -> John170

I found this.

Luxxy23: hello

Luxxy23: i was just viewing your stupid ims page…incredibly witty i must say

Luxxy23: incredible

Luxxy23: even the phrase “stupid ims”…where did you ever come up with that one?

Luxxy23: youre like some sort of wordsmith

Luxxy23: anyway, i was disappointed that of all of my ‘stupid ims’ ive ever had, that one was chosen for a website

Auto response from John170: Sorry

Luxxy23:, I’m not interested in speaking right now. 🙂

Luxxy23: thats ok.. ill do the talking

Luxxy23: nice aviator glasses, by the way

Luxxy23: very fashionable

Luxxy23: you look like a homosexual from the 80’s

Luxxy23: anywho.. im not reporting you to aol, so dont get your panties in a bunch, nancy. goodbye