Mark (PC) Review

Developer: Gamez Hell

  Mark (PC) (2.2 MiB, 670 hits)

Game by Gamez Hell, made with Game Maker.

There’s a lot of bad games made with Game Maker, but this game is not one of them. I’ve spent so many hours playing this game that my fingers and eyes have gone numb. Wait…am I reviewing Mark Platinum here? Well then let me rephrase what I’ve said thus far. This game IS one of them, and I hate it about a whole lot.

For one, the size of the screen is about 9 x 9, so you better get the magnifying glass when you’re ready to play. Also bring about eight bottles of Motrin also. The game begins with an introduction story so pathetic and misspelled that I wonder if the designer put any thought into the game. After playing the game for five more seconds, you will see that the answer to that is no.

Aliens have invaded Asia and are headed for Europe! So why the hell do I start off in a room with a backdrop of Egypt? Last time I checked, Egypt wasn’t in either Europe nor Asia….ok mister smarty man, whatever you say! Pressing right makes Mark move right..that’s all. The maker was too busy chugging anti-freeze and masturbating to Ateens videos to even make a walking animation of any sort. Pressing up will make Mark move up, again with no kind of animation. Video game characters sure do suck these days, all they every start out with is the ability to jump really fucking high and make enemies dissapear and make a weird sound when landed upon. After walking forward and trying to jump over enemies for a while you hit a flag and are transported to the end of the game. Ok maybe you don’t but a guy can dream can’t he? No? Well fuck you too.

The second level has ice or something, I don’t really remember. Anyway, there’s a gun the size of a mountain in which you can pick up if you walk into it. The gun then magically turns into a normal sized gun. When fired it shoots about eight hundred pool balls, TEH ENEMYS HAV NO CHANS.You have infinite lives but it doesn’t matter because the game blows infants for jawbreakers. And everytime you restart a level, the music repeats from the beginning. May I add that the music is like listening to a barn orgy involving your whole family and a group of very dirty pigs.

Graphics: -5

Sound: -6

Replayability: -9

Fun Factor: -10

Controls: 0

basically, a 1/10

SCREENSHOTS:

The giant pussy gun, this is the whole size of the screen.

  Mark (PC) (2.2 MiB, 670 hits)

Game by Gamez Hell, made with Game Maker.

 

Rock On 1992 Review

Rock On 1992, by Sony Music Entertainment

Album Info: 12 tracks

All tracks reviewed by J2K

—————————————————-

Track 1: Tx Rib X – Move This

I’m listening to the music of track 1, BUMPTATA BUMPTATA with woman singing like sing. Probably some woman who is actually an ape. Anyhow it keeps the DINGADINGA(tinc)DINGA and she sometimes shouts “shake dat body” and she is probably woman 20 or older. It is a lot of beats and harmony with beats. It is a long song with much potential, “people don’t you know” I do know that this song is good lol! More singing, it never ends! Please help. Serious it keeps going. More move this and move that, I am tired of moving, please stop. OK it stopped. 🙂 9/10

Track 2: Joe Public – Live and Learn

We have Live and Learn, it is by man with queer-like voice. It sometimes pauses but that is just my scratched CD! He sounds like his name is Kyle and he has had a hard life by the song. He lives and learns, he plays by the rules. This song has many beats AMUPTA AMBUMPU (petititu) BUMBP and he is singing lots and lots. His voice raises sometimes like dick in small place. He sounds like he is moonwalking across disco floor while singing, oh no there are two of him!! One is singing other say “check this out” maybe I don’t want to check it out fag! He still singing, I think it is the first one of him…pause..”yeah”..and more words. Oh he is singing about Mary earning dough, I think that means Mary has the munchies hold on let me check…OK yeah I just asked a guy in AOL chat he said “yea is good asl?” I think that means yes OK I think it is ending. Yes that is the end. It was pretty good but made me think too much about cookie dough. 7/10

Track 3: Spin Doctors – Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong

Yeah now we are talking. Major rock hits filling my eardrums now. Ooh singing like a bitch, singing very fast hard to understand what is going on. Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong yeah that’s right bitch listen to this guy singing, listen please whore. Yeah don’t cheat on me, listen to this squawking guy singing talking about french people and monkey tools. More guitar playing with occasional PUTTA…PUTTA with a BLENANA NANAWEEWEW WEWEWEWWW PUTTA PUTTA PUTTA WEWEWEWWWWW. Woo yeah! Getting into this song. Singing about cigarettes, very good! He gives dollar to person he complains about. Can’t be wroooooong yeah yeah yeah preach it my brother! Yeah keep saying it over and over, and more overs. Conclusion with slowing down the singing and OOOOOOOOOOOOH fade out, ok yeah. 7/10

Track 4: Mr. Big – To Be With You

OK this is some woman, or possibly a man, singing in church choir. People clapping. He wants to be with a woman with church choir taking time out of praying to sing about having sex with women this is great. Talking about being on top of boys. I can imagine them all eating hot dogs while singing and sometimes sucking on them thinking about babies popping out of grocery carts. Beat slowing a little. DLELELE DE DENELE DE DELNELELE etc etc. Singing about doing the twist, dramatic pause, I’M THE ONE. Yes you are the one who make crappy song ha ha hah! Choir taking hot dog break and singing in background with lead singer squealing about dick. OK end of this with huge fag growl. 5/10

Track 5: Right Said Fred – I’m Too Sexy

OH YEEEEAH. NUMBNUMBNUMB NUMNBNUMBA He’s too sexy for his shirt and it hurts, I guess he should get larger shirt aha hah haah!! Japan talk, too sexy for a party and a disco dance, more like dicko dance am I right? 🙂 He turns on a catwalk but he won’t disco dance what is with that people help me please. Too sexy for a car with beats still going the NUMBA and too sexy for hat, maybe it isn’t pink enough for him hah!!! Climatic music NLAAAAAAA rap beats BUMPP A BUMMP back to basic music shaking his tush on a catwalk and being too sexy for cat, coincidence!!!? OK. He too sexy for song, end. 6/10

Track 6: The Cover Girls – Wishing on a Star

This song sucks my small 1 inch filibuster already, talking about wishing on star. Woman with a dog biting vulva screaming at high pitches about following dreams of becoming first person to shove whole cactus up vagina. Talk of rainbows with magical wishes, long vocals now that make no sense. Music that’s WEREEERERLLTLTLWERWEWEWE and is gay. More singing about shit that I wouldn’t even ejaculate on. Maybe if you wouldn’t have masturbated with grandma’s sunshades I would not have left you in the first place bitch! Stop singing about this, sing about presents. OK more singing about dreams and going toward them like she does with many random tranny penises. Even more love and following that I wish would go away. Slowing down may be ending soon. Oh shit no there it goes again ahh!! Wishin wishin on a staaaar yeah I heard you the first time you son of a couch! OK song end 🙂 3/10

Track 7: La Bouche – Rhythm Is a Dancer

Big techno rythm! Rythm is a danca it’s a sort of cancer yeeeeeah! Woo! I can get into this pretty fast baby! BUMB BUMB A BUMB BUMB BUMB, BUMB BUMB A BUMB with DEE DEE DEE sometimes but isn’t heard that much. Rythm is a dancer and voices, with loss of beats. Now more beats, gay man with diet pill stuck in bloated throat talking about god knows what. Odd rythm DING DING, DING DOO DING. No vocals in this part just solid trance beats. Back to original music, make me want to suck my own dick with pride and jive. Feeling the groove inside my own heart. Rythm is a sort of cancer so I should probably stop. The gay body builder is back and talking about pointing his finger up his ass and accidentally sitting up and down every few seconds. Just beats now and rythm, no talking. DING DOO DINGLALA. Woo! I sweat all over like man in hot weather, balls letting loose fluids probably not originally in body out across boxer shorts. Feeling good all around, uh uh uh….oh song over 🙁 7.5/10

Track 8: Kris Kross – Jum

JUMP JUMP JUMP Kriss Kross comin at ya bitch!! Better lock your fucking doors if you know what is good for you fuckface! BLUMP..BLUMP with DUN DUN DUNH. Rythm out the perverbial ass. 8 year old churning out raps like an enflamed baboon’s ass at Macy’s parade. GO GO….GO GO with rapping inbetween. BIGLGGLLGLGLG MACK DADDY x 3 or 4! Lots of excitement! These preteens know how to party, make me feel like Larry Flint with cold sore problem. Oh short song, it is over, fun while it lasted. 8/10

Track 9: ? – Everything Changes

ENTER BIG TIME GAY MELODY with woman screaming, sounds like she ate too much chocolate crickets, I sure hope so, bitch! Singing like Michael Jackson, probably has one glove to jack off with. EVERYTHING CHANGES yeah you are right, like my sexuality! I hope you forget how to breed miss ant-eater ass! Please don’t do it anymore you hurt me with your words of song!! Tune of DNLUNDULNDULNDA ringing in ears like theme from Friends…can’t take much more, boner fading, faith in humanity slipping, pants falling around ankles. More “singing” notice I put the quotations because it is bad!! If this is singing then I am Curious George, and I am curious as to why this song sounds like someone shoved a cork under my fingernails and fucked my nostrils. OK SONG END. 1/10

Track 10: Clivillés & Cole – Pride (In the Name of Love)

OOH WEIRD AQUA beats, with mechanical clang clang!! In the name of love they say, no thanks please!!!! Ugh I am getting tired reviewing these songs made by lucifer himself or perhaps worse Pink Floyd. OK decent filtered PLUWTATA going off with emergency siren. Uh oh someone hurry and save this song from sucking cock oh too late, parachute dick is already singing about the pride of fireworks and loving rock quarries. I hate this, I would very much like to push the button that stops the sing from proceeding. They are all singing together now, sounding like ghosts being trapped in straight vortex NO THAT’S CAN’T HAPPEN they fight back and win, gay force of Europe wins again, song over. 1/10

Track 11: Heights – How Do You Talk to an Angel

Generic guitar riff sound like from MTV Music Generator for PS1, now transvestite from Conan O Brien Show doing vocals. How do you talk to an angel he asks. Well I don’t knows why don’t you research it with the two dollars you made from this song from your parents and find out. THE ANGELS DON’T LIKE THIS SONG, DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU. Don’t continue. 🙁 He keeps going not paying attention to my desperate pleas. Falling stars and such being sung about, singer couldn’t find his Casio cassette player so he decides to make a song about finding Jesus OK. I am done with this song, very bad. Not good. ….Occasional saxaphone blaring with the velocity of the singer’s flacid cock. Good song end. 1/10

Track 12: Firehouse – When I Look into Your Eyes

OH NO SAD MUSIC DENENNE DENNE NEEENE Someone who thinks he is movie star vocalling his windbox. Elton John playing piano in the back, sometimes glancing at his pointy nipples. BIG TIME ORCHESTRA EFFECT, LOTS OF PEOPLE SINGING. LIKE I GIVE A HAIRY SALMON’S PENIS. Saw coming toward his face, must sing horrible love song or have no face, what a dilemma! Oh look the SAW STOPPED.

🙁 About a minute left on this audio version of constipation, the reward is old fishsticks and powdered milk coming out of your anus!! Yes yes yes yes n..yes yes!!! YES YES AUGH YES!!!! SONG OVER, CD OVER, PAIN OVER, LIFE OVER. 1/10

————————————

What an experience! While the CD (Compact Disc) had a few good jams to offer, the others made me want to slide hot cattle prod up my peehole and ask friendly stranger to suck the side of it off while I ram it as hard as I can against a textile machine! Review over!!

Overall: 4/10

 

Dawn of the Dead (1978) Review

Dawn of the Dead (1978), directed by George A. Romero

Production Company: Laurel Group

Movie Length: 126 min

IMDb Movie Info

I’d read for a while how good the “horror legend,” George Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead,” was the pinnacle of zombie movies, the best horor movie ever made. I saw it at the video store near my sister’s house and I decided to check it out – Whoa, the reviews were right! This film is probably the best example of what makes a zombie movie truly excellent. A guy on IMDb said it quite well:

“The “social commentary” that people on this site rave about has been done before, and done better. Ok, I get that humans are soulless killers obsessed with consumerism and are actually more evil than zombies. Cute, George, real cute. Now why did it take you over two hours to tell us this? Dawn of the Dead is way too long, and it will give any viewer a headache. Zombie movies are good when the humans are in seemingly hopeless situations and always face the threat of being overrun. Throughout this whole movie, the audience has no reason to think the humans are in any danger at all. They run around the mall, punching (or at least punching air, the zombies fall down anyway) and shooting the zombies. So there goes the suspense aspect. The two military dudes park trucks in front of the entrances of the mall to keep zombies out. Good idea, but we don’t find this out for a long time.

I guess Dawn of the Dead has what I call the “2001” syndrome. Similar to 2001: A Space Odyssey, this film has somehow amassed a huge number of devoted fans who preach about its filmmaking prowess, going as far as to say it’s the greatest movie ever made. If that’s true, God help humanity. I can’t fathom how anyone could love this film so much. I’ve read some reviews telling me to “bow down before its amazingness.” I think I’d rather spit on it.”

The man knows his stuff.

“Dawn of the Dead” begins with people running around a television studio talking and well….I had no idea what the hell was going on. I don’t think anybody does. It’s just a completely forgettable scene that isn’t needed. There’s some kind of zombie scene after that at an apartment where a bunch of boring shit happens and some guy’s head explodes when shot. Yeah, great start.

For some reason, 4 people (3 guys and a girl) go to a house and start shooting zombies. There’s one bit where a guy is in a barn and dives and is suddenly outside. Great editing job. The black guy is about to shoot a zombie but sees the out-of-uniform white guy pull up his gun to shoot it so he dives out of the way. A zombie runs into the propellor of the helicopter and gets the side of it’s head cut off, that may sound cool but it’s done in a way that makes you just sigh and hope for better things to come. The white guy gets chewed out and they’re off to the mall.

The 4 break in the mall through the top and the guys leave the woman and go down the stairs. There’s a few zombies around the place and someone explains that after they died they went there because it was a familiar place to them when they lived. Whatever. The guys shoot more zombies and steal shit, then two of the guys decide to start riding trucks around. When I was watching this I had no idea that they intended to block the entrance with them until later, so when I was watching this scene I didn’t know what the hell was going on. The two guys refuse to run over any zombies, noo that would be too easy. The second guy keeps switching trucks for some reason and gets bit, oh lardy! They go back inside and someone says that it takes about three days to die from a zombie bite. Okay. The four of them decide to have some fun while they’re in the mall so they do a bunch of boring shit. The guy finally turns into a zombie and the black guy shoots him. Then the remaining white man and the woman have a romantic dinner. Some bikers come along and want to get in to kill the zombies, this is where the movie shines.

Get ready to watch some of the most boring action you’ll ever see in your life. Bikers ride in and kill zombies. The remaining white guy starts shooting at the bikers for reasons unknown so now it’s a war between the zombies, the bikers, and the fag squad. More zombies are shot and the fag squad get into a car. They drive and shoot more zombies. Sometime later the white guy gets bitten in an elevator and turns into a zombie within five minutes. Three days, right. A guy gets his guts eaten out and would probably be pretty gross if you were three years old. More zombie shooting, the woman gets into the helicopter on the roof. Then the black guy, in a sudden burst of energy, charges with his fists of fury through the zombies with really embarrassing A-Team wannabe music playing full blast. He makes it to the roof with ease and they escape. The end.

The zombies are the slowest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Dead people in real life can move faster than they do. The characters aren’t really introduced; just thrown at you, uncaring of whether you like them or not. The black guy is just a guy you don’t care about, the first white guy is just a guy you don’t care about, the out-of-uniform guy is just a guy you don’t care about, and the woman is a stupid bitch. The zombies are composed of several million people that stumble around with white donut powder on their face. The movie drags on as it’s over two hours and it makes you just wish it would all be over. Maybe Romero’s intention was to see how many suicides he could afflict before the movie ended.

-10/10 (0/10)