My life sucks. It all started yesterday. So I walked into this bar for a drink. Then they tell me that it isn’t really a bar, it’s the bathroom at Joe Louis Arena. So I ask where the nearest bar is. They tell me. So I go down to where the bar is. I ask this guy in a black-and-white striped shirt for a Margarita. So he gives me this funny look, and all of a sudden I’m checked into the boards by Sergei Fedorov. As if things weren’t messed up enough, the ambulance I was carried away in had Princess Diana’s rotting corpse in it. You think they’d have the decency to bury her and all. Guess not. To top it all off, there was asparagus for dinner. I hate asparagus, ever since that time when a clown at the circus killed my cat by repeatedly beating him with a piece of asparagus. Then he made me eat the cat with the asparagus. The cat wasn’t bad, but the asparagus gave me worms. So I was forced to eat the asparagus, but not before I was forced to eat out this really fat girl named Beth. She probably hadn’t cleaned down there since Roosevelt was in office, but she sure made the asparagus taste better. I tried to sleep but it was my turn to sleep with the snakes, and you just know they’re waiting for you to fall asleep so they can eat your flesh. So I didn’t get much sleep last night. Unless you count the five minutes that the snakes took to devour my poor hamster Willie. I never really liked that hamster anyway. So I woke up the next morning and realized that I was at that same bar I was at yesterday. Only this time, I realized that, indeed, I was in the Joe Louis Arena bathroom, and I had enough good sense to go out and get a pizza instead. Then Steve Yzerman checked me into the pizza stand. Through the pain, I managed to get back to school where I flunked my Geology quiz. And I don’t even take Geology. My life sucks.

Hello folks. My life sucks. This morning I drove to school. TO SCHOOL! Imagine the nerve of my parents to pay for me to attend some place that tries to prepare me to submit to the man. Worst of all, the System has now installed security cameras in my shower.

Apparently it’s taken a mind of its own and is distributing nude pictures of me over the internet. Including that one time when the water ran cold. I’m all man, but thanks to the System, only people in Japan know that. And when the lizard stole my tortilla bag, I knew I’d had enough. As if my day couldn’t get any worse, Jesse Jackson called me. Wanted to know if I’d like to donate to his “Rainbow Coalition.” So I asked him if he was gay. Boy, what a cranky guy. You’d think that because he called me he’d have a little more patience. And don’t most people associate gays with rainbows? Anyway, then I had to go into work.

Today, I learned how to fix the chili sauce just so that the cockroaches are completely mixed in. They sure are hard to mix though. I must have been spitting and sweating into that shit for hours! In conclusion, gas prices are still high, and that’s why my life sucks.