National Realize-The-Romance-You-Have-Isn’t-Going-To-Work-Out-And-Move-On Day – n. a holiday that occurs on January 2nd
Tag Archives: wife
Joke #18743
On a visit to my wife’s native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London’s Gatwick Airport.
Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners’ line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
“Pleasure,” I replied. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. “That’s very interesting, sir,” he said as he stamped my passport. “Most men bring their wives with them.”
Joke #18722
My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won’t understand what we’re saying. I didn’t realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.
An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, “Boy is she r-u-d-e!”
“Yeah,” he replied, “but I’ll bet she can s-p-e-l-l.”
Joke #18714
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! CAN’T!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife!” I cried.
“It’s perfectly normal,” he reassured me, “She’s just having her contractions.”
Joke #18707
A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced. The wife answered the door. “Come in,” she said.
The other couple came in, sat down, then asked, “So, where’s Jack?”
“Oh,” replied his wife, “he’s in the bathroom, grouting and spackling.”
“Oh, dear,” said the other lady, “I had that once and didn’t get over it for two weeks.”
Joke #18693
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”
Shouting back, the woman replies,
“For crying out loud, Ed, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour…I’ll be ready in a minute!”
Joke #18682
My wife and I received a lovely trophy as a wedding gift from a friend. But upon closer inspection, we noticed that the plaque seemed to reveal some dark, previously hidden secret.
There were only two lines on the engraving, and no punctuation. Read together, it said, “May the Lord Bless You and Keep You From Mary Blevin.”
Joke #18681
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful…CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.”
Joke #18671
When my wife and I went up to New England a couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns.
The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub.
“What’s the difference?” I asked.
“Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down.”
Joke #18647
The pastor of a local church was wearing his clerical collar while visiting his wife who was in the hospital for minor surgery. He stopped in to see her and chatted with her for quite some time. Before leaving, he leaned down and gave his wife a great passionate kiss and left the room.
The woman in the next bed over stared in disbelief. After the pastor left, the stunned woman spoke to her roommate, “You know, I’ve been a faithful member of my church all my life, but my pastor has never even come close to treating me as well as yours does!”
What Your Pet Name Really Means
What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you *really* means…..
Darling – Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear – Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart – If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe – Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll – This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.
Princess – Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.
Sexy – Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend – He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!
The wife – If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half – You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus – See The Wife.
My partner – He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other – He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed – He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.
Joke #18635
The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to never completely disrobe in front of her husband when retiring for decorum’s sake.
One night, six weeks after the wedding, the husband said to his bride, “Is there any insanity in your family?”
“Why, no,” she said. “Why do you ask?”
“I was merely wondering,” said he, “why you haven’t taken your hat off since we’ve been married?”
Joke #18628
Not that my wife’s the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, “Oh, Mrs. Moore, I’m so happy to meet you. I’m your husband’s new secretary.”
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, “Oh, Really? WERE you?”
Joke #18626
A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”
“What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”
“A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.
Joke #18613
While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if they wouldn’t mind taking a picture of me.
“Oh, sorry,” the man answered, “but we only have two pictures left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge.”