Tag Archives: sex

You Have Written a Nuclear Test-Ban Treaty

March 5, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

It is hereby agreed by the Big Three, the United States, Russia, and Santa’s Village, that there will be no further testing of nuclear dicks. However, tests may be made under hooters. Explosions must be limited to one-half megaton, which is equal to 500,000 tons of prunes. We all agree that this sounds sexy and is the only way to keep someone from blowing up the sex machine.

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It is here by agreed, by the Big Three, The U.S., Russia, and my face that there will be no further testing of nuclear poop. However tests may be made under my butt. Explosions must be limited to one half megaton which is equal to 500,000 tons of pure, Alaskan poop. We all agree this sounds fair and is the only way to keep someone from blowing up the fuckin trash dump in my backyard.

Stories

School Days

March 5, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn’t have any jugs to do our math for us. We would add columns of hooters to other columns of butts to master addition. We had to sit sexy when the teacher lectured to us about American television and English Tower of Pisa. Every day at lunch we would eat a snake sandwich, a sex, and a glass of acid piss.

In science lab, we dissected a stoner man and saw its bologna and warhead. Some people got sick and did it when we did this. Sometimes we would have a bathroom show. Some of the students would energize to toilet music, while others recited mom. The best was when three boys juggled aliens while turning stereos and standing on their butts.

Stories

A Page From a Girl’s Diary

March 5, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

This is a sexy entry in Yolando’s diary.

Dear Diary: Today I saw him again. when he looks at me with those crappy eyes, it makes my lion go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have butts in my stomach. I think he likes me because he asked me for the nail when I was standing next to him in the school. I just had to hear his tiger again, so I called his running machine and left a hard message. I hope he doesn’t recognize my touchdown. He is such an easy boop. His name is Wayne Gretzky, and I live in hope that someday he will realize how very easy I would be for him and that I am the fuck he has always been looking for.

Stories

Contest

March 5, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

This is a gigantic contest in which you already may be a wood. Anyone, and we mean anyone, can enter this sexy contest. Just follow these sexy rules. Write down in 292 words or less why you think Yo-Yo Ma should be elected Life of the year. remember he/she does not know that you think so rusty of him.

First prize will be a deluxe, three-speed Nintendo Entertainment System plus a year’s supply of pasta. Second prize is a twenty-one foot castle. Third prize is a full-color garlic bread plus a set of justice. Each entry must be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed Aerosmith. Decision of the meatballs will be final and in the event of a tie, duplicate footballs will be awarded.

Dictionary

The Curse of the Halloween Pencil

February 24, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

The Curse of the Halloween Pencil – n. all Halloween pencils have a curse. If someone breaks a Halloween pencil in half, they instantly become a wussy pansie for the rest of their life. Be careful out there, if you break a Halloween pencil, you’ll never get laid again! (by a girl, if you’re a guy, or a guy if you’re a girl, unless money is involved).

Media, Pictures

A Disturbing Threesome

February 22, 2011 davepoobond (DPB) Leave a comment

Jokes, (C) Religious Jokes

Joke #18735

February 22, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Bill Gates my father is not.

As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled “St. Mary’s Income” and one labeled “St. Mary’s Expenditures.”

While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.

Now the church’s income is stored in “St.Mary.sin” and expenses in “St.Mary.sex.”

Jokes

Joke #18692

February 21, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.

“I’m taking a survey,” he said. “Do you think there is too much sex in movies?”

“I’m not sure,” replied my mother. “I’m usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing.”

Jokes

Joke #18675

February 21, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, “I want a quickie.”

She turns red in the face and ahems, “Sir, I don’t know what kind of restaurant you’re used to eating in, but I can assure you you’re not going to get a quickie here!”

“How disappointing,” the man replied. “Could you ask the chef to make an exception?”

“He doesn’t have anything to do with it!” says the waitress indignantly.

“Hmmm,” do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?”

“I’m SURE I don’t know,” answers the waitress loudly.

A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, “I think it’s pronounced QUICHE.”

Jokes

Joke #18668

February 21, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, “What did he start doing instead of these things?”

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, “Well, my sister is pregnant now.”