A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
Tag Archives: psychiatrist
Joke #18637
“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”
“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”
Joke #18105
Q: Why did the turtle see a psychiatrist?
A: He wanted to come out of his shell.
Joke #13220
My psychiatrist told me he knows what makes me tick, but he can’t explain what makes me chime on the hour.
Joke #13217
PATIENT: “Doctor, I’m terrified of robins. Everytime I see one, I break into a cold sweat.”
PSYCHIATRIST: “But why are you frightened of robins, Mr. Smith?”
PATIENT: “Aren’t most worms?”
Joke #13216
MAN: “I need help, Doc. My wife thinks she’s a kitty cat.”
PSYCHIATRIST: “What do you want me to do?”
MAN: “Get her to stop eating canaries!”
Joke #13208
You can’t win. My psychiatrist told me to speak freely. And after my monologue was over, he charged me fifty dollars.
Joke #13196
PSYCHIATRIST: “How long has your husband thought that he is Napoleon, Mrs. Stanners?”
MRS. STANNERS: “Since Waterloo.”
Joke #12921
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who put wheels on his couch so he could make house calls?
Joke #12917
PSYCHIATRIST: “When did you first notice you were a cat, Mrs. Huggson?”
MRS. HUGGSON: “Oh, in about my fifth or sixth life.”
Joke #12898
ACTRESS: “My husband wants a divorce.”
AGENT: “What do you think you should do?”
ACTRESS: “I really don’t know what to do. My psychiatrist is away on a vacation.”
Joke #12664
A wrestler thought he was going nuts, so he went to see his psychiatrist.
The doctor told him, “You have to get a hold of yourself.”
The wrestler replied, “I do, that’s why I’m here.”
Joke #12286
After hearing a patient’s complaint, the psychiatrist said, “You’ll just have to forget your imaginary illnesses. Try to devote yourself fully to your job. In fact, it might be a good idea if you lost yourself completely in your work.”
“It might not be such a good idea,” replied the patient. “I’m a deep sea diver.”
Joke #12285
PATIENT (on phone): “Doctor, I’ve decided to kill myself.”
PSYCHIATRIST: “Don’t do anything rash until you answer one question for me.”
PATIENT: “What’s that?”
PSYCHIATRIST: “Is your bill paid?”
Joke #12284
Did you hear about the android who went to see a psychiatrist? His friends told him he had a screw loose upstairs.