DOCTOR TO HIS PATIENT: “Next time you see spots before your eyes, Mrs. Woodworth, grab a pencil and try to connect them.
Tag Archives: patient
Joke #13213
A woman patient sitting in the dentist chair opened her mouth as wide as she could. The dentist said, “You don’t have to open that wide. I don’t plan to stand inside.”
Joke #13211
PATIENT: “Doctor, now that you’ve diagnosed my case, can you cure me?”
DOCTOR: “I’m afraid I can’t, sir. You see, your illness is hereditary.”
PATIENT: “Well, in that case, Doc, send the bill to my father.”
Joke #13209
PATIENT: “Doctor, when I came to you six months ago, you told me that to cure my rheumatism I should avoid dampness. I’ve followed your advice, but I’ve lost all my friends.”
DOCTOR: “When I told you to avoid dampness, I didn’t mean you couldn’t take a bath.”
Joke #13204
DOCTOR: “Mister Simms, I’m afraid you only have seven days to live.”
PATIENT: “Oh, no! Then I guess I won’t be able to pay you, Doctor. My medical insurance check won’t be here for two weeks.”
DOCTOR: “H-mm, well in that case, I’ll give you fourteen days to live.”
Joke #13203
“The pain is all in your mind,” the doctor told his patient.
“I didn’t have to come here to find that out,” the patient grumbled angrily. “I already knew I had a headache.”
Joke #13198
DOCTOR: “Your blood pressure is sky high, Mr. Smith.”
PATIENT: “That figures. I get it from my family.”
DOCTOR: “Your mother’s side or your father’s side.”
PATIENT: “Neither. It’s my wife’s side that gives me my high blood pressure.”
DOCTOR: “Why, that’s impossible!”
PATIENT: “You wouldn’t say that if you knew how obnoxious my in-laws are.”
Joke #12938
MAN: “Doctor, what’s the biggest problem you have in treating a patient with two broken hands?”
DOC: “Getting him to sign a check for my bill.”
Joke #12927
A doctor finished his examination and said to his patient, “My advice is to stop drinking and smoking and get plenty of sleep. Also stop staying out all night. That’s the best thing for you.”
The patient gulped and replied, “To be honest, Doc, I don’t deserve the best. What is second best?”
Joke #12922
A dentist told his patient, “I’m sorry, but your eye tooth will have to come out.”
The patient yelled, “I’ll still be able to see, won’t I?”
Joke #12918
DENTAL INSTRUCTOR: “Gentlemen, how much should you charge a patient for a toothache?”
DENTAL STUDENT: “Don’t be ridiculous, Professor. Who’d want to buy a toothache?”
Joke #12298
PATIENT: “You treated my brother for gall bladder and he died of malaria.”
DOCTOR: “Nonsense. When I treat a patient for gall bladder, he dies of gall bladder!”
Joke #12297
PATIENT: “I can’t afford the operation, Doctor.”
DOCTOR: “Okay, so I’ll touch up the X-rays.”
Joke #12296
PATIENT: “My problem is, I have a suicidal complex.”
DOCTOR: “In that case, you’ll have to pay in advance.”
Joke #12294
INTERN: “How did you treat that patient with frostbite?”
DOCTOR: “I put him in bed with a fellow who had a high fever and leveled them both off.”