anjin – adj. to be ambushed by a group of gay lawyers wearing tutus
Tag Archives: lawyer
sumi
sumi – n. a Japanese lawyer
Joke #9379
In a foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention — so he’s let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade. He claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime, and so he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem……”
Joke #9306: Lantern of Events
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”
“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!”
Joke #9273: Nothing But the Truth
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”
His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . .”
“But, what?”
“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”
Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”
Joke #9271: Blind Justice
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”
The father thought for a moment. “Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”
Joke #9222
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver Vickie, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” Vickie responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
Joke #9142
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn’t believe in capital punishment and didn’t want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
“Madam,” he explained, “this is not a murder trial! It’s a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her
birthday.”
“Well, okay,” agreed Mrs. Hunter, “I’ll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all.”
Joke #9105
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.” The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…”
Joke #8915: Wrong Arm of the Law
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Joke #5597
Q: You’re in an elevator with a rattlesnake, a serial killer, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets in it. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Joke #5348
BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She’s a lawyer.