Tag Archives: Holmes

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10742: MadManWithAnAxe -> Holmes

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MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: It’s mean to name your kid Fuckface.

Holmes: ha

Holmes: how true

Holmes: and yet…

Holmes: how hilarious

MadManWithAnAxe: hehe

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: All the money in the world can’t buy your dignity back if someone videotapes you trying to give oral pleasure to a lawn gnome.

Holmes: damn there goes all my hopes for my dignity back

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Polar bears do not like complimentary ass massages.

Holmes: have you tried it? don’t knock it until you try it

MadManWithAnAxe: hahaha

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: If you’re going to attempt to stick your head up someone elses anal cavity, it’s probably in your best interest to wear goggles.

Holmes: well that brings new meaning to the term: i can’t see shit

MadManWithAnAxe: HAHA

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: It’s not against the law to put a litter of kittens into your mouth…but it should be.

Holmes: whats wrong with eating more then one pussy at once?

MadManWithAnAxe: HEH

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: A human face doesn’t taste as good as I thought it would.

Holmes: oh well..theres always hope in eating a dogs face

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: I’ll bet everyone without legs has a funny story to tell.

Holmes: hah…uncle benny cut his legs off because we wouldn’t feed him his second dinner!

MadManWithAnAxe: hehehehe, that’s great

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Just because the space-gnomes inside your head tell you to, it’s never a good idea to staple yourself to pogo stick and yell “BEWARE!: I AM POGO-BOY, THE MOST POWERFUL BEING IN THE UNIVERSE!” People might think you’re crazy.

Holmes: it’s sooo typical of people to judge me just because i am pogo-boy…will the racism ever end?

MadManWithAnAxe: HEH

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: You may think it’s cool to dress up in hot pants and a ten gallon hat and attend random people’s funeruls and sing 80’s style karaoke , but you’re really just making an ass out of yourself.

Holmes: ….NOW you tell me

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: I wouldn’t exactly know from experience, but I’ll bet it’s pretty hard to hide a penguin in your ass.

Holmes: well, sorry to burst your bubble, but remeber hearing about penny, the famous penguin that ran away from the circus? guess where he is…

MadManWithAnAxe: :-DHAHAHA

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: You’d think having sex with a mattress would be more satisfying than it actually is.

Holmes: water bed’s are oh so sexy!

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: It’s never a good idea to masturbate and ski at the same time.

Holmes: oh yeah…oh yeah i’m coming…i’m coming…i’m com- *splat* poor joe, took a whole box of viagra before he went skiing…and hit a tree…what a way to go…

MadManWithAnAxe: hah

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Just because you have the means to fit a midget into your ass, doesn’t make it right.

Holmes: well…penny needed a friend

MadManWithAnAxe: HEEHEEHE

MadManWithAnAxe: ;-)that was good

MadManWithAnAxe: you should be famous

Holmes: heh i doubt i could be

Holmes: damn i hate when people IM you when your typing a sentence

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Sex with a microwave isn’t very pleasurable.

Holmes: that’s because your only suppose to do anal

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: To be impaled on a toothbrush…that’s gotta be a crappy way to die.

Holmes: not as crappy as dieing in someone’s ass

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: All the drugs in the world cannot equal the fun of poking a hobo with a sharpened stick.

Holmes: poking a hobo who’s on all the drugs in the world at once with a sharp stick, now that’s FUNNY!

MadManWithAnAxe: hehe

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Injecting anti-freeze into your scrotum may make people think you’re cool, but what would your parents think?

Holmes: well, i perfer my penis NOT to shrivel up when it’s cold…people will think i’m on the “short” side

MadManWithAnAxe: heeeeeeeey, that’s actually not a bad idea

Holmes: yeah…now if only i could stop my nipples from getting hard…

MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: If you’re eating a sandwich, and the sandwich starts mumbling at you in Latin, it’s probably best just to put it down and just walk away.

Holmes: but first kill it before it plans to take over the world…and steal it’s tomatos

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10521: stimpyismyname -> Holmes

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stimpyismyname: could you do me a favor and find the sfx that plays when doug funni gets some from patty?

stimpyismyname: dudadudaleee waaaahhhhoooooweeeeeeeoooh

stimpyismyname: pleeeease

Holmes: what?

stimpyismyname: didnt you ever watch doug

stimpyismyname: on nickelodean

Holmes: yeah

stimpyismyname: you know when patty talks to doug that music plays

stimpyismyname: baaaooohwwahhhhoohh

stimpyismyname: ..do you know what im talking about?

Holmes: somehwta

Holmes: but thats gonna be a bitch to find

stimpyismyname: well you dont have to..

Holmes: can’t find it anywhere

stimpyismyname: o well

Holmes: what should i look for?

Holmes: doug funnie download music?

stimpyismyname: i dont know

stimpyismyname: i guess its not that important

stimpyismyname: heh

stimpyismyname: dougandpatty.wav

stimpyismyname: search for that

Holmes: why don’t you just watch doug and get a microphone out, then when he;s about to meet patty, turn your micrphone on and record it?

stimpyismyname: never!

Holmes: uh ok

Holmes: then tell dave to do it

–

stimpyismyname copied and pasted the whole IM to davepoobond while he was away, basically telling him to look for it.

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10453: davepoobond -> Holmes

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davepoobond: hey boyeee

davepoobond: i saw Black Knight

Holmes: hey monster truck man

davepoobond: it was horrible

Holmes: was it good?

Holmes: figures

davepoobond: it wasn’t nearly as funny as it was supposed to be

davepoobond: it started out with martin lawrence being a jackass

davepoobond: and that was kinda funny

davepoobond: but then he goes through “this magical journey that ends up being a dream”

davepoobond: and everything changes for him

davepoobond: yadda yadda yadda

davepoobond: do good here do good there inside the dream

Holmes: thansk for telling me the story

Holmes: asshole

davepoobond: my pleasure

Holmes: j/k

Holmes: i wasn’t going to see it

davepoobond: well it has some funny stuff, but not too much to make you laugh out loud

davepoobond: kinda like a “heh”

Holmes: oh

davepoobond: its so stupid, this black guy talking about stuff now, and he knows he’s in the 14th century

Holmes: blue streak was pretty funny

davepoobond: yeah it was

davepoobond: but that was made to be funny. this was made to teach a lesson

Holmes: big momma’s house = eh

davepoobond: its like a family movie with cuss words in it basically

davepoobond: and a black guy

davepoobond: you dont see many family movies with black guys in it unless its an all black cast

Holmes: true

Holmes: life was funny…with eddie murphy and martin lawrence

davepoobond: everyone was white in the movie most of the time except, of course, the lady he tries to get it with

davepoobond: there just HAPPENED to be another black girl in england

Holmes: coincidence?

davepoobond: it took about a half an hour in the beginning for him to realize he was in the 14th century

Holmes: hahaha

davepoobond: such a waste of time

Holmes: but i know the number 1 movie i want to see

Holmes: Like Mike

Holmes: (major sarcasm)

davepoobond: oh man

davepoobond: i almost screamed everytime i saw previews for it

Holmes: oh man….

Holmes: and i thought i was the only one

davepoobond: and i think there was this one sentence that i always heard that i repeated

davepoobond: every single time

Holmes: “please let me be……..like mike”

davepoobond: i forgot what it was though…

davepoobond: yeah what the hell

davepoobond: stupid sneakers

davepoobond: they’ve been on a telephone wire for 20 years

davepoobond: God knows how it got up there in the first place

davepoobond: don’t you think itd be kinda nasty putting your foot into that thing

Holmes: it took about 20 hours for a kid in pakistan to finish making those sneakers for Nike

davepoobond: at least those kids are working

davepoobond: unlike the lazy children here

Holmes: yeah

davepoobond: all children should be put to work! just like before the progressives spoiled everything

Holmes: damn progressives

Holmes: !

davepoobond: yeah! making everything today become the standard of what we want everyday. damn them for making us so picky

Holmes: damn them for wanting our drinks: “shaken…..not stirred!”

Holmes: or our meat not rare or well done, but medium!

davepoobond: i dont think they did that…

davepoobond: what they did was actually guarantee that the meat was actually meat

davepoobond: etc. etc.

Holmes: well they should go to mcdonalds

Holmes: and guarrentee THATS meat

davepoobond: its meat, we just dont know what from

Holmes: because i don’t know if I’m eating a timberland boot or rat meat for the chicken nuggets

davepoobond: chicken nuggets are pretty nasty….but at least it isn’t made of soy

davepoobond: have you ever had soy chicken nuggets?

Holmes: yuck no!

davepoobond: i did

davepoobond: worse than anything you can imagine

davepoobond: un-be-lievable

Holmes: i think the worst thing i’ve ever eaten was encore frozen hamburgers

Holmes: it tasted like it was creating a colony of shit on your toungue

Holmes: and the taste would not come out no matter what!

davepoobond: heh

Holmes: I COULD DRINK LISTERINE AND IT WOULDN’T COME OFF!

Holmes: i ended up throwing up

Holmes: even the throw up tasted better then the burgers

Holmes: but you probablly didn’t want to hear that

davepoobond: it comes to wonder, how people even market that shit and pretend like they’re gonna make money

davepoobond: what do they think we are?

Holmes: idiotic fat americans who spend money on anything that sounds good

davepoobond: yeah, and they milk it for all that products worth until it stops making money, and then they move onto their next shitty product

davepoobond: like Diet Soda

Holmes: y – u – c – k

Holmes: Pepsi One

Holmes: Diet pepsi

Holmes: Diet caffeine free pepsi

Holmes: Diet coke

Holmes: Diet coke with lemon twist

davepoobond: diet 7 up

Holmes: diet sprite

davepoobond: diet cherry pepsi

davepoobond: diet cherry coke

davepoobond: diet cherry 7 up

Holmes: diet vanilla coke

Holmes: diet dew

Holmes: diet dr. pepper

davepoobond: this is a sad world we live in when there’s more than 4000 different sodas to chose from

Holmes: and the biggest problem in this world is choosing between the two rivals

Holmes: coke

Holmes: or

Holmes: pepsi

davepoobond: there’s also RC

davepoobond: but no one gives a shit about them

Holmes: RC….i haven’t had a cola from them in a long ass time

davepoobond: they don’t sell it anywhere but in the middle of the desert at a garage with a vending machine 20 years old

Holmes: ever try moxy?

davepoobond: the hell?

Holmes: moxy is the first original “soda”

davepoobond: i thought it was 7 up

Holmes: it’s uncarbonated and has almost no sugar

davepoobond: oh.

Holmes: wait

davepoobond: that’s not a soda

Holmes: it’s carbonated

Holmes: sorry

Holmes: forget i said that

davepoobond: k

davepoobond: y’mean club soda?

Holmes: no

Holmes: but my cousin drank some

Holmes: he said it hits your toungue like a 2000 pound bitter anvil

Holmes: gotta go

davepoobond: k bye

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10450: davepoobond -> Holmes

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davepoobond: lol i got this file that was supposed to be metallica covering pearl jam – jeremy. but its just 3 guys being idiots and singing the whole thing with the actual song. but i like it!

Holmes: lol

davepoobond: but it was pretty good

davepoobond: you can barely hear the music though

Holmes: i downloaded a music video a while ago, i forgot who it was, but it ended up being a porn

davepoobond: lol

davepoobond: was it a good porn?

Holmes: pissed me off

Holmes: no

davepoobond: what kind

Holmes: it was a guy jerkin off on a girls face

davepoobond: lol

Holmes: i mean you would think he would get a blowjob off of her but no, he decided to beat his shit

davepoobond: what was she doing just sitting there or somethin

davepoobond: kneeling down “yes ejaculate on me!”

Holmes: she didn’t say anything, she was on her knees with her eye’s closed waiting for it to rain cum

davepoobond: lol

Holmes: the guy was moaning…he sounded like an elephant

davepoobond: omg thats hilarious

Holmes: “ERRRRRRHHHM HAVEN’T USED THIS IN A WHILE”

davepoobond: did you watch the whole thing

Holmes: it was like 15 seconds

davepoobond: did he get off though

Holmes: yeah

Holmes: then it ended

davepoobond: was the girls expression like =-O

Holmes: no she had the same expression the whole time

Holmes: eyes closed

Holmes: head up

davepoobond: not smiling or anything?

Holmes: waiting for jiz shower

Holmes: even when it happened

Holmes: nope

davepoobond: wut a stupid porn

Holmes: i know

Holmes: deleted it right after i got it

davepoobond: did he have a small weinieee

Holmes: i didn’t measure

Holmes: nor did i care

davepoobond: lol

Holmes: but i think it was average

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: average

davepoobond: heh

Holmes: i’m not the cockexpert