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Game Reviews, Games

Space Attacks II (PC) Review

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Developer: The GM Place

  Space Attacks II (PC) (879.3 KiB, 1,285 hits)

Game by The GM Place, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

Captain’s log, 0500. We’re going in a straight line now…with UFos, and about 3 other originally drawn ships coming our way. Also going in a straight line. And asteroids. Everywhere. They’re everywhere! Actually they aren’t, there’s only about 1 or 2 ships at a given time, and a random asteroid flying through every now and then.

Graphics:

The graphics are the same as the first one, but this time I saw a few ships that might’ve been original. Whoopeedoo. Doesn’t hide the fact that this game sucks.

Sound:

The same as the first one, annoying like my sister when she comes into my room asking if she can get a ride to one of her stupid friend’s house so they swim in a swimming pool all day.

Gameplay:

Same as the first one. This is probably the strong point of the game, knowing how to play.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part is the whole idea. Space Attacks is gay. It should be called Space Gay, cause that’s what it is. I know they’re transporting dildos to the alien’s homeworld who don’t fucking want human dildos. If they wanted dildos at all, they’d get their own species. They don’t want some long stick thing, they want a flat bumpy thing that you can slap, and waves like jello. Oh wait…I just found the story.

Story:

Killing Osama in the first Space attacks wasn’t enough. Saddam wants revenge, (yes, I am aware that the two are enemies). Fight off hoards of evil UFOs acting on Saddam’s behalf. Stop them before it’s too late… or after it’s too late, whatever’s good for you. Good luck…

what the hell is that?

Overall Score:

Yet again, another failure in the Space Attacks series. But this time around, when you die you don’t go to the credits screen. Hooray! And there’s also different difficulties, so I guess I have to give points for that. More like 1 point for all the improvements, that shouldn’t have been improvements but been in the first one already. 3/10.

  Space Attacks II (PC) (879.3 KiB, 1,285 hits)

Game by The GM Place, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Space Attacks (PC) Review

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Developer: The GM Place

  Space Attacks (PC) (977.8 KiB, 1,205 hits)

Game by The GM Place, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

Captain’s log, 0500. OMFG UFOS!!!! HELP US HELP US! ASTEROIDS OH NOOOO!! SHOOT THEM DOWN WITH OUR STUPID LASERS THAT WE HAVE TO TIME JUST RIGHT BECAUSE THE UFOS JUST KEEP GOING BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE SCREEN AND SHOOT AT THE SAME TIME!

Graphics:

You just know the graphics are ripped sprites. This was probably made off the 1942 example that is given with Game Maker, too.

Sound:

Annoying as fuck. I had to turn my speakers off because that shit was just so annoying.

Gameplay:

Its simple. You press left and right to dodge the pink circles coming out from the spinning UFOs and space to fire your dinky little laser cannon piece of shit thing and hope that it’ll hit one of them. And as if it wasn’t hard enough, once you get past the first level, guess what? There’s another level! I only got there once, but it was just more of the same shit. Except one plane that looked like it might have been original.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part is the stupidity and hardness that somehow are rolled into each other to create this game. Its hard and stupid, and this is a game that no one will like to play. This is the story: Earth is under threat from evil UFOs controlled by members of the Al Quaida terrorist network on the planet, Mars. You must stop them using any means necessary, you are Earth’s last hope, well, actually we have two more of you lined up but you know how it is. Go and kill them!

Overall Score:

A game with a name called Space Attacks doesn’t have very much appeal to give out in the first place. Because its a stupid name, as well. Space isn’t attacking in this game, just some dumb aliens that feel that the large shipment of dildos in the space shuttle shouldn’t get to their home planet because humans are disgusting in that nature. And another annoying thing that happened, was when you died, it went back to the credits screen. When you start up the game, it goes to the credits screen. And you have to press the “main menu” button to go to the main menu each fucking time. 2/10.

  Space Attacks (PC) (977.8 KiB, 1,205 hits)

Game by The GM Place, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Sol (PC) Review

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Developer: Not a Sock Games

  Sol (PC) (619.4 KiB, 1,179 hits)

Game by Not A Sock Games, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

No, this game is not called Shit Outta Luck. Its short for Solar System Simulation, which is what it is…a simulation of the solar system. This is supposed to be the basis for the game Resilience.

Graphics:

The graphics in this game are nothing more than a few dots and some text.

Sound:

No sound to be heard. This gives a very realistic viewpoint to the simulation, because in space you can’t hear any music. Wouldn’t it be great though if you can go at lightspeed while listening to Britney Spears? Eh? Eh? How about it?

Gameplay:

Only two things to do…zoom in…and zoom out. Look what you can find if you zoom out for 10 minutes!:

Crappiest Part:

The sun is so small…I wanna see the burning chaos that is our sun. There should be a laser coming off the sun that you could shoot down planets with…! but then it wouldn’t be a solar system simulation then…

Overall Score:

This is a simulation of the solar system. There really isn’t that much you can expect from something like this. Though it could have gotten a little more detail and be a little more exact to what it actually is, it still is something that you can show your science teacher and say “look what I have that is better than having you explain it with your fingers!” It gets a:

8/10

  Sol (PC) (619.4 KiB, 1,179 hits)

Game by Not A Sock Games, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Snarf Game, The (PC) Review

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Developer: Eugene Paik

  The Snarf Game (PC) (722.2 KiB, 1,214 hits)

Game by Eugene Paik, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

The Snarf Game…one in a million…something happens with The Stick Race, and then a stick guy…does junk…

Graphics:

horrible. The main guy has 2 frames + 1 for climbing a ladder. You can see through him too, and the enemies aren’t anything to really like looking at….whatever..

Sound:

no music, and the sounds that are in it are fairly creepy…but funny

Gameplay:

basic, nothing new. It gets annoying sometimes

Crappiest Part:

how when you jump you get caught on the side of the wall sometimes..most of the time..

Overall Score:

The Snarf Game isn’t anything special, and its really easy. I beat it in less than 10 minutes. Its got some funny people behind it. If they make something better, I’d like to play it as well. I give it a:

7/10

  The Snarf Game (PC) (722.2 KiB, 1,214 hits)

Game by Eugene Paik, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Slick Spike (PC) Review

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Developer: 2Slick Productions

  Slick Spike (PC) (1.5 MiB, 1,201 hits)

Game by 2Slick Productions, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

This is what PacMan would do if he wanted money…instead of pebbles…and no ghost things….or a wife

Graphics:

The graphics aren’t anything more than a few angles for the main character and the enemies….i can’t even figure out what the enemies are half the time. The only one i recognize to be anything is a pair of eyeballs…this is what Slick Spike looks like:

Sound:

The music is ok. It IS kinda strange though…nothing too interesting to listen to though, because of the frustration that comes with trying to figure out the puzzles in the game.

Gameplay:

The gameplay actually gets increasingly hard, I only made it to level 4, but as you go on with levels, it makes you do puzzles that you did before, and combining it with new puzzles in different ways, so it makes you try to figure out what to do all the time. Supposedly there is 40 levels in this game (as per their web site). The gameplay is THE strong point of this game, it is simple yet hard.

Crappiest Part:

The enemies are really friggin annoying. You have to remember their movements and time everything right. This isn’t necessarily crappy, but its just something that is annoying.

Overall Score:

I can really only imagine what happens over the next 40 levels. It says there is “major bosses” on levels 20 and 30, but i dont know how you can beat any enemies….yeah….whatever, I give it a:

7/10

  Slick Spike (PC) (1.5 MiB, 1,201 hits)

Game by 2Slick Productions, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Save the Bug (PC) Review

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Developer: noodle

  Save the Bug (PC) (653.2 KiB, 1,205 hits)

Game by noodle, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

A long long time ago, an example was made. That example was 1942, and it came with the Game Maker package. Change the sprites and you get this game.

Graphics:

They’re not horrible, but they’re not original. Look at the piece of crap fish.

Sound:

The blowing up sound is annoying, and the song is from the example game, which is also annoying.

Gameplay:

You press the space bar and the arrow keys to shoot rocks. What more would you want in a crappy game?

Crappiest Part:

The part of the game where its 1942…oh wait, that’s the whole game! So the whole thing is crap!

Overall Score:

This game was ripped off another one. WoW you know how to change sprites! You shoulda made it Save The Penis instead and have the bug a penis instead and have it shooting out the orange shit. Now THAT would be funny, and be worth a 2.

1/10

  Save the Bug (PC) (653.2 KiB, 1,205 hits)

Game by noodle, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Sauen’s Christmas Game (PC) Review

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Developer: Sauengames

  Sauen's Christmas Game (PC) (1.7 MiB, 1,246 hits)

Game by Sauengames, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

Sauen’s Christmas Game is a shitty compilation of 7 games. These games are so shitty, that you’ll have more fun taking a shit than playing any of the 7 wonderful (and I use that sarcastically) games. These games cannot compare to shit. Shit smells better, looks better, and sounds better.

Graphics:

Well, remember what I said about shit looking better? Well, it does. The graphics suck ass, and the people are so small in the games you can barely make out any detail. I don’t know if its a guy’s penis or his arm. The only mini-game that is not included in this realm of shittiness is Snowball Challenge, where the graphics are actually decent, and if you play it first, gives a false impression to the quality of the rest of the mingames.

Sound:

There’s a couple of songs you can choose from on the main screen. There’s no song that starts out though, and you’re presented with 3 options. Music 1, No Music, and Music 2. They’re both Christmas songs.

Gameplay:

The gameplay in this game varies from game to game. Here’s a rundown of all the different games.

Snowball Challenge – This game is stupid. All you do is click, and hope the snowballs will hit the furry little purple guys that are trying to rape your elven army.

Ufo! – You’re a rocket. And you’re trying to dodge the mean ol’ rain clouds. No problem, you can just blast them away with your 3-way machine gun! HOORAY! You also get 5 rockets that don’t do anything better than the machine guns.

Sliding Challenge – What do you get when you cross Ski-Free and a not very creative programmer? A CONTEST OF BRUTE STRENGTH WHILE SLIDING ON SLEDS, THAT’S WHAT IT IS! You race the computer down a hill with trees and rocks and the computer always wins.

Protect the Iglos – Yes, I know it says “Iglo.” That’s how its spelled in the game. Obviously an iglo is different from an “igloo” in that it has a chimney (in case you ever wanted to start a fire inside the iglo) and an ice door on it. This is basically a stupidly shitty version of Cliff Gunner. Like we need to have a Christmas version of it around.

Ice Fishing – Ever wanted to play ice fishing? Well, your dream has come true! Except there really isn’t any ice that you drill through…and there’s fish that are about 50 feet long…and its pretty god damned shitty….did I mention that? I think I said shitty around 15 times by now.

Ice World – Oooh. Tantalizing name isn’t it? Well, its, yet again, another shitty game. You’d think this was a mad dash across the screen to get to the other side of the “world,” but you actually have to collect as many of the shit coins as you possibly can, without running into any ice fragments. Welcome to Ice World, the shittiest planet in the universe.

Biathlon – Say it ain’t so! A SKIING game that makes you go around a track? Yes it is. And the funny thing is, you can’t make a complete lap around this circuit.

Crappiest Part:

The crappiest part of the game is how you will get a heart attack from playing all these games in succession. Well, I didn’t. I just had to take a crap after all of them. So I’m going to do that now.

Overall Score:

This pack of mini-games is so god damn stupid, I can only be thankful it was all put into the same game, and not made into 7 different ones. That would’ve blew hard. For this reason alone, and the 5 minutes of enjoyment I actually did get out of playing “Ufo!,” it gets a

2/10

  Sauen's Christmas Game (PC) (1.7 MiB, 1,246 hits)

Game by Sauengames, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Resilience (PC) Review

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Developer: Not a Sock Games

  Resilience (PC) (1.3 MiB, 1,187 hits)

Game by Not A Sock Games, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

Ok….i’m not sure what you’re supposed to do, but you’re in a space ship, going around the solar system…and you have weapons that don’t destroy anything

Graphics:

The graphics are ok. you can tell the planets are the actual things…

Sound:

The spaceship…sounds like what spaceship would probably sound like, but that’s why its probably better to play this game with the speakers off…

Gameplay:

uhhhhhh i dont like it too much. sometimes i’m not sure if i’m going toward the planet or away from it.

Crappiest part:

How it takes so long to get to a planet, and once you do get there, you dont know what to do.

Overall Score:

i gave it a 7/10, because the stats kept me interested for 10 seconds.

  Resilience (PC) (1.3 MiB, 1,187 hits)

Game by Not A Sock Games, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Radial Pong (PC) Review

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Developer: Flammable Werks

  Radial Pong (PC) (667.4 KiB, 1,231 hits)

Game by Flammable Werks, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

Imagine pong…but instead of going just up and down, you can move around in a circle and go into the center of the circle too. That is this game, Radial Pong.

Graphics:

The graphics aren’t special, but what more could you really want from a pong game? The cloud background beats the hell out of the original pong game in graphics (or should i say CRAPhics hyuck)

Sound:

The music is good. The main menu song is kind of stupid, cause there’s supposed to be like DJ scratching sounds or something, but its in MIDI, so it sounds like crap.

Gameplay:

The gameplay is a bit hard to get used to, but its pretty good, for what you do in this game.

Crappiest Part:

How you can’t get a screenshot of you losing or winning. I woulda put one here either way, but I couldn’t seem to get it for some reason.

Overall Score:

There’s nothing really bad about this game, but there isn’t that much that is good either. Its a good game though, for a Game Maker game. 7/10.

  Radial Pong (PC) (667.4 KiB, 1,231 hits)

Game by Flammable Werks, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

FW Pac-Man (PC) Review

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Developer: Flammable Werks

  FW Pac-Man (642.9 KiB, 1,224 hits)

Game by Flammable Werks, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

This is a basic Pac-Man game, with better graphics than the original. It actually gets kinda hard later on in the game.

Graphics:

The graphics are alright. There’s nothing bad about them.

Sound:

I think there’s only one song, and its the original Pac-Man song, but its like remade to sound a lot better, and there’s drums and junk…but its still a MIDI…and it is annoying to a degree.

Gameplay:

The gameplay is smooth, and its not overly hard because the enemies move about the same speed as you.

Crappiest Part:

I had to pause for a while and think about this…ok i thought of something. There’s nothing to build on top of the original Pac-Man game.

Overall Score:

This game is a basic Pac-Man game, but it didn’t build anything on top of Pac-Man to make it go somewhere. But its a very nice Pac-Man game if you like to play Pac-Man.

8/10

  FW Pac-Man (642.9 KiB, 1,224 hits)

Game by Flammable Werks, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Osamuraisann (PC) Review

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Developer: Jazzuo Games

  Osamuraisann (PC) (1.7 MiB, 1,228 hits)

Game by Jazzuo Games, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

You’re a samurai trying not to get killed. You have a million and 2 lives and a sword.

Graphics:

The graphics are really good, but lack detail. I’m pretty sure the sprites are original, since he uses different sprites of the same style in most of his games. There’s also a beginning movie thing that is pretty cool too, but it doesnt have anything but one of the samurai guys doing…something..

Sound:

There’s no music, just samurai guy sounds going “WHAAAAA” and “YOOOOOAAAHHH” and “EEEEEYYYAAAHHHH.” It gets annoying as fuck, even though its funny in the beginning.

Gameplay:

Its ok, i don’t like the moving system that much. You move with the mouse, but by clicking.

Crappiest part:

Its almost impossible to have a positive score for too long, since each guy you kill is 1 point and everytime you die (which is a lot of times) is -5 points.

Overall Score:

This is a fun game, but it seriously lacks replay value. 7/10.

  Osamuraisann (PC) (1.7 MiB, 1,228 hits)

Game by Jazzuo Games, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Ore No Ryori (PC) Second Opinion Review

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  Ore No Ryori (PC) (2.7 MiB, 1,434 hits)

Game by Vertigo Games, made with Game Maker.

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I’d read about this game a few days before it was released, and being the simulator loving mormon I am I downloaded it the first day the author released it to the public. Ore No Ryori means “my cooking” in Japanese despite what the loading screen says and the game is just that…cooking.

A relative of yours is ill and now you’re the chef/dishwasher/waiter/everything that isn’t the cashier of his restaurant. Which must’ve been pretty crappy before the relative became ill because you start out with nothing but some pizza and beer to sell. The action starts almost immediately, and people start running in ordering pizza and beer left and right. The goal is to raise $30,000 in 40 days or the restaurant will be shut down for….some reason. No borrowing money from granny’s purse now big boy, it’s time to sell nachos.

At the end of every day you have the choice to buy objects to upgrade your restaurant. There’s a tip jar for customers who got orders that you did just right, a candy rack for the guys who got burnt pizza and over-filled beer (which is like me ordering a pizza, getting two instead, then not tipping because I only ordered one), some safety objects, some new food to sell, a hot bar, and various electronics. The safety objects are good for bribing the Board of Health who come by every 4 days to stick their penis in your snacks. If you fail the inspection you have to hand over five hundred big ones, which will most likely piss you off. The new foods that are available are nachos, burgers, steaks, and soup. It’s best to get all the food early in the game if you want to actually win.

After buying all the food, things can get pretty hectic. Running after a thief while handing out soup and cooking a steak can be quite a workout, as well as serving the bastard that comes in every two seconds wanting a beer. The mailman comes by every now and then and gives you either bills or a package. The bills can either result in you losing or gaining thirty-five dollars, the package is from your relatives, which is sometimes a picture (even though after you get the first one, the other ones don’t show up) and other times two hundred dollars, which isn’t half bad for a sick guy. The before-mentioned hot bar is good for cash and nothing else (like everything else in the game), people run by it and grab food, leaving fifteen dollars in with the Chinese eyeballs or whatever the hell is in it. Last and probably least are the electronics. There’s a TV to increase the customers’ waiting time for food (I don’t think it works), a phone that, when picked up, is almost always a seventy dollar loss by your wifebeating landlord, and actually I think that’s all the electronics there are, a bug zapper sure would have been appreciated.

So did I like this game? Yes I did, very much so. I’ve played it for two or three hours and can now safely consider myself a master in the vitual cooking realm, which probably won’t score me that many dates now that I think about it. But everyone knows I’ve played Mark Platinum now so there’s no chance in hell I could ever get a date with anyone ever again. Sure this game may not have taught me all there is about cooking, but sure taught me that using too many parenthesis in a review makes you look like an idiot.

Graphics: 4

Gameplay: 8

Sound: 7

Controls: 8

Replayability: 7

Overall: 34/50 (basically a 7/10)

An angry pirate stands at the meth lab while I pour him some home brewed urine from the tap.

  Ore No Ryori (PC) (2.7 MiB, 1,434 hits)

Game by Vertigo Games, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Ore No Ryori (PC) Review

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Developer: Vertigo Games

  Ore No Ryori (PC) (2.7 MiB, 1,434 hits)

Game by Vertigo Games, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

This is a very unique game, and one of the only games you’ll ever find that has to do with owning a restaurant and cooking. Your parents go to Japan or some country and have to take care of a sickly relative, and leave the restaurant to you for 40 days, in franchise mode.

Graphics:

The graphics are very good for this game. The ingredients looked like the real thing, and so did all the food, but the whole style of the game makes it look like its paper drawn, or paper cut-out. Not cel shaded though.

Sound:

The sounds in this game are very good. There’s only 2 songs or so, and they go well with the whole mood of the game. Only bad thing though is when you’re playing, the song ends and it stops for about a couple seconds so that it can restart. The sounds of disappointment and satisfaction are good, and when you spend so much time (like I have), the satisfaction sounds actually make you happy for some reason.

Gameplay:

Very challenging. You really have to pay attention to what the customer wants to get it just right. It seems like the game gets harder at your own pace, allowing you to buy more types of food to sell at your own discretion, so that more customers come in at the same time requesting a different thing. Once you buy all the foods, its crazy. Since I’m an absolute and total veteran master sargeant at this game, its not that hard for me, but the first day I played after I bought all of the foods, it was hell, because 8 different people came in at the same time. It is kind of strange to see some guys come in for a beer at 7:00 in the morning, supposedly getting ready for work…and guys coming in for pizza or steak in the morning, nachos at night, etc.

Crappiest Part:

There isn’t much story to lead you on through the game, but the fun of cooking and making money is enough to cover for the lack of story. I would have wanted a little more in-depth restaurant management thing though, so that new things keep happening, instead of once you buy all the things there is to buy, all you do is just keep on cooking and serving food until the last day (if you’re in franchise mode).

Overall Score:

This is a very good game, and is one that I would actually pay to play. Its not too often a game as good as this comes around. There are 3 modes in the game, Tutorial, Franchise, and Arcade. You can unlock/buy the Arcade mode after going through the Franchise mode. It implies that there are secret options or something in the game, but I’m not too sure, because I haven’t beat it yet. I give it a

10/10

  Ore No Ryori (PC) (2.7 MiB, 1,434 hits)

Game by Vertigo Games, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Ness’ Christmas Journey (PC) Review

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Developer: Darklink570

  Ness' Christmas Journey (PC) (1.3 MiB, 1,281 hits)

Game by Darklink570, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

This game is a game about Ness, and he’s launched in the air by his friend Jeff (this being presumably after Earthbound). Its a fairly involving game, and is very challenging. The story may be a bit cheesy, but so is your mom…>.>

Graphics:

The sprites were mostly ripped from Earthbound, but the background was really good. And the way the “psi” attacks were animated was pretty good too. The only bad thing, is that its really small, so you can’t see the details, like if there’s a crevace thing you can go in.

Sound:

The music is very good. But after a while I don’t notice it much, because I get really involved in the game. Besides that point, it really goes well with the game. Ness screams when he gets hurt

Gameplay:

The gameplay is very good, runs smoothly, and you don’t get stuck on any edges (like Elfish Wars).

Crappiest Part:

So…hard….::stranded in the desert:: ….

Overall Score:

This game is very fun for an adventure game, and I suggest anyone but Nintendo’s lawyers to play this game. I give it a:

9/10

  Ness' Christmas Journey (PC) (1.3 MiB, 1,281 hits)

Game by Darklink570, made with Game Maker.

Game Reviews, Games

Missile Wave 2 (PC) Review

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Developer: Shawn64’s Creations

  Missile Wave 2 (PC) (4.8 MiB, 1,192 hits)

Game by Shawn64's Creations, made with Game Maker.

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Overview:

This is a very fun game, in which missiles of many types are trying to destroy a pile of blocks that you have to save by clicking the missiles, and using different weapons to destroy them.

Graphics:

The graphics of the missiles are very interesting to watch and look at as they fire into the blocks, split up into smaller missiles, and stuff like that. One bad thing though, is that the “powerup” icons are taken from Pocket Tanks.

Sound:

There’s a pretty cool title screen kinda tune, there’s no in game music, because there’s so many explosions and missile sounds that sound really cool.

Gameplay:

The gameplay is very simple, but gets more interesting with powerups, weapons, and other things. Its more than just point and click, you have to get rid of the things that are more dangerous at the time than others, and you have to always keep paying attention to what you do.

Crappiest Part:

The pocket tank icons used as the powerups in this game. And the fact that if the missiles go through the top of the screen or the bottom of the screen, they come out on the opposite end, and its kinda hard to click on them then.

Overall Score:

This game is so fun, that I can actually see myself playing it just to play it. This should be a classic arcade type of game. I give it a:

9/10

  Missile Wave 2 (PC) (4.8 MiB, 1,192 hits)

Game by Shawn64's Creations, made with Game Maker.