Loading ...What’d you smoke for breakfast?
Loading ...Tag Archives: breakfast
Loading ...Quote #15686
“He’s so mean he eats snakes for breakfast”
– Ms. Signs
Quote #14998
“It’s Reese’s…Hellooooo? for breakfast”
– from the TV
The Real Difference Between Young and Old
As every minute passes, we all grow older. But people say that you’re only as old as you feel. So what is the real difference between young and old? It’s not the years. It’s how you look at life:
– When he’s young, a man can’t wait to grow a beard… but when he gets old, the same man just hates to shave every day.
– When she’s young, a girl loves to fix meals… but when she becomes an old married lady, the thing she hates the most is fixing breakfast, lunch, and dinner for her family every day.
– When he’s young, a man enjoys watching girls… but when he gets old, the same man prefers watching the market.
– When she’s young, a girl loves to make herself look older by putting a gray streak in her hair… but when she gets old and finds a real gray streak in her hair, she cries her eyes out.
The Mammoths In the Ocean
Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent civilization under the sea. While you might be thinking it is a society of merpeople or single fish, you are wrong. This society was created by mammoths. Mammoths wearing scuba gear.
Everyday they would refill their oxygen tanks at the Oxygen Station. They would comb their hair and eat pop-tarts for lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast. They would eat water for breakfast.
So, anyway, humans evolved and started shitting on the ocean and dumping their Twinkie wrappers in the middle of the Pacific like assholes.
This soon created a Trash Island that became as big as the Pacific itself. Eventually, the Insectoid Empire declared the Trash Island as their sovereignty and announced war against the humans. After a long, arduous game of Monopoly, the humans lost and agreed to fly to the moon and remake their society there since no one gives a shit about that place.
The Insectoid Empire enjoyed a long and prosperous reign on land but they wanted more. The Ocean Mammoth embassy on the Trash Island gave the Insectoid Empire an idea. Why not take over the Ocean Mammoth civilization?
A surgical strike at the mammoth’s Oxygen Stations sealed the deal and soon enough the streets of the Ocean Mammoth civilization were filled with drowned mammoths. Eventually large schools of barracudas and piranhas came and ate all of them and destroyed all of their inventions, losing all of their technology forever.
The Insectoid Empire relished this victory and soon became an imperialistic power taking over one planet after the next. They were parasites after all.
Moral of the story: Foreign dependence is bad.
Joke #11958
Did you hear about the old man who was so lonely that he tried to carry on a conversation with his talking breakfast cereal?
Joke #11924
I had F.B.I. Crispies for breakfast this morning. When I poured milk on the cereal, it didn’t talk; it interrogated me.
Joke #11662
Q: What did the space creatures have for breakfast?
A: Unidentified frying objects.
Joke #11629
Q: What are two things a spaceman can never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner.
–
Another version of this joke:
Q: What are the two things you can never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner.
Joke #10818
Q: Why did nobody in Alive! want to oversleep?
A: They didn’t want to be breakfast in bed.
Joke #10766
Q: Why do mother birds vomit into their chicks’ mouths?
A: They hate to send them out without a hot breakfast.
dvorak
dvorak – v. to eat mini Oreos for breakfast
Joke #9266: Power Breakfast
Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers.
One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake……can I have breakfast with you in the morning?”
Joke #9253: Expert Advice
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. ‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”
The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”
The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”
GODZILLA Rampage in Ida, Michigan
Oh no! Godzilla is on a rampage in downtown Ida, Michigan! There is no way to stop him! “Well, actually,” said the really smart scientist guy, “there is a way to stop him.” “Really? Hmmm…no, I don’t believe it,” said the big mean general guy, “I say you are a dumb scientist who doesn’t know anything. I think we should blow him out into orbit with my new nukes I got!”
“NO!! You’ll KILL US ALL!!”
“Shut up, you crazy scientist whose plans never involve using my new nukes I got two weeks ago,” said the general. Then he put two fingers in the scientists face and said, “Two!…..do you see? Thats two weeks! Thats a lot of days! Do you realize that I could have had breakfast fourteen times in that span of time?? ….Actually, I did…that just shows you how long that is!”
“Alright, alright,” said the scientist, “you can use your nukes but as soon as they don’t work, I get to do my plan.”
“Yeah, we’ll see….”
They both jump into the general’s suped up “Hummer” and peel out of the trailer park. Suddenly the general stops the car. “That’s far enough, scientist boy. I didn’t buy this hummer so I could chouffer dumb scientists around. I’ll come back if my plan fails. …maybe,” said the general as he pushed the scientist out of the car.
The general (whose name was Bob) sped down Main Street really fast. He was probably going really fast, but he didn’t know for sure because his speedometer was broken. He knew he had to kill Godzilla before Godzilla destoryed the world…or at least downtown Ida. Bob smiled to himself. He didn’t really have any nuclear weapons. He was suprised he fooled the scientist (whose name was Albert).
“I thought scientists were supposed to be smart!” said Bob, “Or at least the smart ones should be…” This puzzled Bob. Why had the scientist smiled? Did he smile? Maybe the scientist had just pretended to smile, just to fool Bob. “Yeah, that sounds about right,” said Bob, as he pulled over next to Godzilla.
Meanwhile, back at the trailer park…
It sure was a long walk to Godzilla, but Albert knew a shortcut….no, he actually didn’t, he just likes to have a positive attitude. He had walked one mile already, and he was only halfway there. he could be there in half an hour, if he walked slow.
Half an hour was exactly how long Bob needed to fill his car’s gas tank with nitro glycerin. He would then offer Godzilla his car, and as soon as Godzilla turned the key…BOOM!! …Or he would just make Godzilla step on the car. The general smiled at himself and thought, “What am I smiling about? Maybe I’m just a happy person.” Just then the general finished filling his car with nitro glycerin. Now all he had to do was make Godzilla step on it.
Just then Albert came over. “I guess I made it just in time, right Bob?” said Albert. “Don’t call me Bob,” said Bob.
“We have to stop Godzilla before he destroys the world!”
“I know that! Now get on top of my car and use this megaphone to talk to Godzilla.”
“Talk?? But…what? What should I say?”
“Talk scientist babble.”
“Umm…okay…ahem,” said Albert into the megaphone.
Godzilla looked over at them.
“Yes, well…,” said Albert, “Um….did you know that the gravitational pull-”
Albert was cut off by the giant explosion that occured when Godzilla jumped on top of the scientist and blew up the car. Bob was kind of smart. He knew that any giant monster hates scientists that want to kill them. They especially hate it when the scientists talk.
Bob, Albert, and Godzilla were all killed in the blast. (or at least Godzilla was, the other two were probably killed when Godzilla jumped on them)
The End