MAN: “Judge, I want a divorce. My wife keeps a pig in our bedroom at night and the stench is terrible.”
JUDGE: “Well, why don’t you open a window?”
MAN: “What! And lose all my pigeons?”
Chevy Mad Lib: Find the Bowtie that Fits You
After a hard week at school, davepoobond, Michael Jackson, Mr. Fuckhead, and I decided it was time to get away. So we piled up our pianos, picked ups ome nuclear bombs from the store, and headed off to our next great adventure in our masturbation mobile. After setting our fuck this shit we could finally be on our way! It was awesome seeing the anal missile silo as we sank on the road. The weather was perfect too, wasteful with periwinkle skies.
Everything was going terribly until suddenly oh yes! A zombie leapt in front of our Jamaican jalopy. We all looked at each other in shock, wondering what to do next. Luckily our car was quick to react thanks to the ABS brakes that come standard. What happened next when things got a little short. It led us to its Long Island where it served us tray after tray of delicious Shirley Temple. Bellies full, we said our thanks and headed back to our gatorade where we easily found our way thanks to OnStar’s GPS capability. With awesome fuel efficiency, we didnt’ need to stop for gas; however Mr. Rogers and Michael Jackson were running low on strawberry Nutri-Grains. We flew over to the store to stock up so we would be well prepared for Hell.
69 hours later and we had finally made it! If it wasn’t for the great company, college students in kindergarten, and I hate my life, we wouldn’t have had nearly as 14-cents-worth of an adventure. Fuck! Chevy really does bring people together.
P.S. Fuck you Daily Titan!
Joke #12298
PATIENT: “You treated my brother for gall bladder and he died of malaria.”
DOCTOR: “Nonsense. When I treat a patient for gall bladder, he dies of gall bladder!”
Joke #12297
PATIENT: “I can’t afford the operation, Doctor.”
DOCTOR: “Okay, so I’ll touch up the X-rays.”
Joke #12296
PATIENT: “My problem is, I have a suicidal complex.”
DOCTOR: “In that case, you’ll have to pay in advance.”
Joke #12295
I won’t say my doctor has old magazines in his office, but yesterday I read where Harry Truman became President.
Joke #12294
INTERN: “How did you treat that patient with frostbite?”
DOCTOR: “I put him in bed with a fellow who had a high fever and leveled them both off.”
Joke #12293
PATIENT: “Well, Doctor, you’ve examined me. Now tell me how do I stand?”
DOCTOR: “It puzzles me too.”
Joke #12292
The doctor’s waiting room was packed with patients. After about two hours of waiting and waiting, an old lady stood up and said, “Tell the doc I went home to die a natural death!”
Joke #12291
DERMATOLOGIST: “I think you have poison ivy.”
PATIENT: “Now that’s what I call a rash judgment.”
Joke #12290
Financial security to a dentist is being named the team dentist of an N.H.L. hockey team.
Joke #12289
Doctors have recently discovered that the major cause of headaches to men and women in the United States is marriage.
Joke #12288
Did you hear about the patient who was in the hospital so long that by the time they cured his illness, he was suffering from snow blindness?
Joke #12287
Hospitals take advantage of sick people. They make them eat food a healthy person would never touch.
Joke #12286
After hearing a patient’s complaint, the psychiatrist said, “You’ll just have to forget your imaginary illnesses. Try to devote yourself fully to your job. In fact, it might be a good idea if you lost yourself completely in your work.”
“It might not be such a good idea,” replied the patient. “I’m a deep sea diver.”