PATIENT: “Doctor, I’m terrified of robins. Everytime I see one, I break into a cold sweat.”
PSYCHIATRIST: “But why are you frightened of robins, Mr. Smith?”
PATIENT: “Aren’t most worms?”
Joke #13216
MAN: “I need help, Doc. My wife thinks she’s a kitty cat.”
PSYCHIATRIST: “What do you want me to do?”
MAN: “Get her to stop eating canaries!”
Joke #13215
DOCTOR: “You are much too overweight, Miss Fenton.”
MISS FENTON: “I”m not overweight. I’m just 9 inches too short.”
Joke #13214
DOCTOR TO HIS PATIENT: “Next time you see spots before your eyes, Mrs. Woodworth, grab a pencil and try to connect them.
Joke #13213
A woman patient sitting in the dentist chair opened her mouth as wide as she could. The dentist said, “You don’t have to open that wide. I don’t plan to stand inside.”
Joke #13212
A mother was having a talk with her next door neighbor. “My son, Robert, is in medical school. He wants to deliver babies. To be honest, I would not trust him to deliver newspapers.”
Joke #13211
PATIENT: “Doctor, now that you’ve diagnosed my case, can you cure me?”
DOCTOR: “I’m afraid I can’t, sir. You see, your illness is hereditary.”
PATIENT: “Well, in that case, Doc, send the bill to my father.”
Joke #13210
DICK: “Did they take X-rays of your wife’s jaw in the hospital?”
RICK: “Oh, they tried, but the only thing they could get were motion pictures.”
Joke #13209
PATIENT: “Doctor, when I came to you six months ago, you told me that to cure my rheumatism I should avoid dampness. I’ve followed your advice, but I’ve lost all my friends.”
DOCTOR: “When I told you to avoid dampness, I didn’t mean you couldn’t take a bath.”
Joke #13208
You can’t win. My psychiatrist told me to speak freely. And after my monologue was over, he charged me fifty dollars.
Joke #13207
The doctor told me I was so fat, I couldn’t lose weight with an ordinary intestinal bypass — I needed an intestinal cloverleaf.
Joke #13206
For some reason, I don’t have faith in any medicine that tastes good.
Joke #13205
MAN: “Doctor, I feel terrible. My stomach is upside down. What should I do?”
M.D.: “Try standing on your head.”
Joke #13204
DOCTOR: “Mister Simms, I’m afraid you only have seven days to live.”
PATIENT: “Oh, no! Then I guess I won’t be able to pay you, Doctor. My medical insurance check won’t be here for two weeks.”
DOCTOR: “H-mm, well in that case, I’ll give you fourteen days to live.”
Joke #13203
“The pain is all in your mind,” the doctor told his patient.
“I didn’t have to come here to find that out,” the patient grumbled angrily. “I already knew I had a headache.”