Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me..”
Category Archives: Jokes
The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Joke #8992
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Joke #8991
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Joke #8990
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be open when she brings it.
Joke #8989
Q: What did one fan say to the other fan?
A: You blow me away.
Joke #8988
Q: How did the bones cross the street?
A: They didn’t. The dogs ate them.
Joke #8987
A gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was amazed to hear the gorilla speak, but brought him a beer anyway.
The gorilla finished the beer and handed the bartender a twenty dollar bill. The bartender just couldn’t believe that a gorilla knew anything about money, so he only gave back one dollar in change.
“Hope you enjoyed your beer,” he said to the gorilla, “We don’t get too many gorillas coming in here.”
“At nineteen dollars a beer,” said the gorilla, “it’s no wonder.”
Joke #8986
A woman calls the airline office in Chicago and asks, “How long does it take to fly to Seattle?”
The clerk says to her, “Just a second.”
“Thank you.” the lady says, and hangs up.
Joke #8985
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
“Well,” says the dog, “I’m not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages.”
“Really!” says the master. “Say something in a foreign language.”
The dog says, “Meow ! “
Joke #8984
A lion spots a monkey walking through the jungle. He grabs him by the neck and roars “Who’s the king of the jungle?”
The frightened monkey says, “You are, of course, your majesty.”
The lion does this to several other animals, with the same results. Then the lion goes up to an elephant, grabs him by the trunk and roars, “Who’s the king of the jungle?”
The elephant picks the lion up with his trunk, bounces him a few times on the ground, grabs his tail, twirls the lion around over his head, and then lets him go flying into a mud puddle.
The lion looks up at the elephant and says, “Well, if you don’t know the answer, just say so!”
A couple of zoologists decided to give a lion a cell phone in order to keep track of his whereabouts. Unfortunately, whenever they tried to call, the lion was busy!
Joke #8983
A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn’t want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it’s too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it’s still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10.
“That’s more like it!”, the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other.
“No problem,” says the tailor, “Just hunch up your right shoulder.”
So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked.
“No problem,” says the tailor, “Just stick out your left arm and cock it like a bird’s wing.”
So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other.
“Well, just keep that leg stiff,” says the tailor, “and no one will notice.”
“I’ll take it!”, the guy says.
So the guy leaves the tailor shop wearing the suit, walking with his left leg stiffened, one arm stuck out like a bird’s wing, and one shoulder hunched way up.
As he’s walking down the street he passes two orthopedic surgeons. One of the doctors says to the other, “I have never seen anyone in such bad shape in my twenty-five years of practice!”
“Me neither,” the other doctor says. “Nice suit, though.”
Joke #8982
Larry: How much is 5Q +5Q?
Lennie: 10Q
Larry: You’re welcome!
Joke #8981
A guy and his dog go into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, get that dog out of here… we don’t allow dogs in here.”
Wait a minute, the guy says, “This is no ordinary dog ! This is ‘Plato’ the talking dog!”
“Yeah, sure” says the bartender.
“I’ll prove it to you,” says the guy. “Plato… what’s on top of a building?”
“ROOF!” says the dog.
“Look,” says the bartender, “just how dumb do you think I am?”
“Wait a minute,” says the guy. “Plato, how does sandpaper feel?”
“RUFF!” says the dog.
“Do I have ‘stupid’ tattooed across my forehead or something,” says the bartender. “Now get that dog out of here! ”
“Wait.. I’m not through”, says the guy. “Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“RUTH!” says the dog.
“That does it !! ” says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, “Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?”
Joke #8980
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
Joke #8979
“Pardon me, lady”, said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, “but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?”
“You certainly did!!”, said the woman in the aisle seat.
“Good, then I’m in the right row!” the man said as he went back to his seat.