Category Archives: Jokes

The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!

Jokes

Joke #9233: Bringin’ Down the House

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A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.

At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, “Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.”

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.

He promptly stood back up and shouted, “Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.”

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he this time he virtually screamed, “Pastor, I will double my last pledge.”

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.

He stood up once more and hollered, “Pastor, I will give $20,000!”

This prompted a deacon to shout, “Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!”

Jokes

Joke #9232: Ham Hero

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A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, “Sure, we can put you up.”

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks “Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig’s neck?”

The farmer says “Sure. It’s really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son’s life. So, we gave him the medal.”

The vagrant is amazed and says “Well, how about that silver medal?”

The farmer says “A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.”

The homeless man says “While I’m at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.”

The farmer says “My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal”

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, which is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks “What about the wooden leg?”

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like THAT all at once!”

Jokes, (C) Misandry Jokes

Joke #9231: Policy, Polly Do

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Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”

There was a long pause before Polly replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

Jokes

Joke #9230

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Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log.

Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: “Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.

The second woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into an investment banker?”

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!”

Jokes

Joke #9229

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A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked. Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

Jokes

Joke #9228

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A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue – including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, and then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

“No,” I confessed.

“Then that explains,” she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”

Jokes

Joke #9227

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A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation, “Well what did you name them?”

The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?”

The brother replied, “Denephew.”

Jokes

Joke #9226

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In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

Jokes

Joke #9225

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There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

“But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

Jokes

Joke #9224

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To     All Employees
From   Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Jokes

Joke #9218

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One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, “Don’t forget to use wooden spoons.”

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory.

“Why wooden spoons?” I asked. “Because,” she replied, “if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I’ll go nuts!”

Jokes

Joke #9217

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There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.”  The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.  Jim tells her “That’s ok.” The woman says “Are you sure?” Jim says, “Yeah, I’m sure God will take care of me.”

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns.  Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God “You told me you would take care of me! What happened?”

God replied “Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?”

—

Another version of this joke:

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. “No, thank you,” Mrs. Watkins replied. “The Lord will provide.”

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. “Don’t trouble yourself,” she told him. “The Lord will provide.”

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, “The Lord will provide.” So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. “What happened?” she cried.

“For cryin’ out loud, lady,” God said, “I sent three boats.”

Jokes

Joke #9216

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Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

“Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”

“Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”