My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.
But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, “Is there anything in the store for men?”
“Sir,” she said, “everything in this store is for men.”
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren’t sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home.
“Measure the bed frame before you leave,” I told him.
“I don’t have a tape measure.”
“You can use a dollar bill,” I suggested, “each one is six inches long.”
“Can’t,” he replied after digging through his wallet, “I only have a ten.”
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
“What is it with guys that they won’t replace the toilet paper?!” I raged.
“I know,” he said, nodding in agreement. “I noticed that when I was in there earlier.”
A husband asks his wife, “If I should die first would you marry again?”
“I would be heart-broken, of course,” was her reply, “but I think eventually I would remarry.”
“But you wouldn’t bring him here to our house?”
“Why not? I’ve worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it.”
“But you wouldn’t sleep in our bed?”
“Well, I wouldn’t run out and buy a new bed right away.”
“Surely, you wouldn’t let him use my golf clubs?”
“Of course not! He’s lefthanded!”
In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision.
Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, “HEY! You’re the man who needs a shower!”
In my job as an electronics salesman, I’ve seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy.
One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD’s, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, “Does it get cable?”
I’m a young guy who hates to cook. She’s a beautiful waitress who serves food. Of course, I was in love. But even though I frequently ordered out from her restaurant, I figured she didn’t even know I existed. Then one day, after placing an order, I asked if she needed my name.
“No,” she said. “I remember you.”
Now I was on cloud nine. But I quickly fell back to Earth when I got my food. Inside the bag was the sales slip. On it she had written, “Cheeseburger, Med.–Fries–Large Coke, for nerdy guy with bad haircut.”
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.
“Churchill Downs?” he asked. “That’s the race-track, isn’t it?”
We nodded. He hesitated and then said, “I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere south of the university. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can be much help.”
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked
at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, “Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can’t miss ’em!”
I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the hairstyle photo.
“Well, okay,” she replied, “but leave some ID — a driver’s license or credit card.”
“But my husband is here getting his hair cut,” I explained.
“Yeah… but we need something you’ll come back for.”
A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.
“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked.
“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years.”
Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “What do I do if she’s really unattractive?” says Mike. “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout ‘Aaaaaauuuggghhh!’ and fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
“Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”
PATIENT: “Doctor, I’m terrified of robins. Everytime I see one, I break into a cold sweat.”
PSYCHIATRIST: “But why are you frightened of robins, Mr. Smith?”
PATIENT: “Aren’t most worms?”
A mother was having a talk with her next door neighbor. “My son, Robert, is in medical school. He wants to deliver babies. To be honest, I would not trust him to deliver newspapers.”
LADY: “Why are you so miserable?”
MAN: “My daughter ran off with my chaufeur.”
LADY: “Do you miss her?”
MAN: “No. I miss my Rolls Royce. They ran off in it.”