We have such a strong union where I work that we have more strikes than a baseball game.
Q: Why do union officials make good umpires?
A: They’re always calling strikes.
Mister Presidentures – n. the name of top man in the dentist’s union
olenic – n. a non-union zombie
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, “Is this a union house?”
“No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame responded, “Why yes sir, this IS a union house.”
The man asked, “And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”
Jester: HELLO EVERYONE! ARE YOU A PSYCHOTIC MANIAC OR JUST PLAIN LIKE TO ANNOY PEOPLE CONSTANTLY AND ENJOY IT???? DO U FEEL THAT THERE IS “JUST NO PLACE” FOR YOU? THEN YOU’RE ELIGIBLE TO JOIN THE JESTERS GUILD UNION!
Mr.: the who?
Jester: THE JESTER GUILD UNION!!!!!!!
Mr.: oh, what do u do?
Jester: YES! I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION! WE GO AROUND AND ANNOY PEOPLE FOR ROYALTY, LIKE THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND SHIT! DO YOU KNOW THAT WEENIE, TERRORSAUR?
Jester: HIS NAME IS “MR. CHIZEL BOTTOMS!!!!” THATS REALLY HIS GIVEN NAME, BY BIRTH! SO, EVERYBODY CALL HIM THAT! WE’RE SO FUNNY AND STUPID, WE CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT KINDA SHIT! IF YOU ARE A STUPID IDIOT OR A HOBO OUT ON THE STREET, YOU SHOULD JOIN THIS GUILD UNION AND GAIN BENEFITS SUCH AS:
Life Insurance – for those “special occasions” that someone will jump out of a tree and shoot you with a shotgun
Dental Insurance – needed for those “special occasions” when people punch you, a lot
Company Car – an Oldsmobile, because Oldsmobiles are annoying, just like you!
And much more!
Announcer guy: remember folks! if you’re annoying and/or psychotic, call 1-800-ANNOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’ll protect you from going back to the looney bin, with our ultra special lawyers!
(a lawyer dressed up as a clown talking in German, is waving a briefcase)