A Page From a Girl’s Diary

This is a sexy entry in Yolando’s diary.

Dear Diary:  Today I saw him again.  when he looks at me with those crappy eyes, it makes my lion go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have butts in my stomach.  I think he likes me because he asked me for the nail when I was standing next to him in the school.  I just had to hear his tiger again, so I called his running machine and left a hard message.  I hope he doesn’t recognize my touchdown.  He is such an easy boop.  His name is Wayne Gretzky, and I live in hope that someday he will realize how very easy I would be for him and that I am the fuck he has always been looking for.

 

Contest

This is a gigantic contest in which you already may be a wood.  Anyone, and we mean anyone, can enter this sexy contest.  Just follow these sexy rules.  Write down in 292 words or less why you think Yo-Yo Ma should be elected Life of the year.  remember he/she does not know that you think so rusty of him.

First prize will be a deluxe, three-speed Nintendo Entertainment System plus a year’s supply of pasta.  Second prize is a twenty-one foot castle. Third prize is a full-color garlic bread plus a set of justice.  Each entry must be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed Aerosmith.  Decision of the meatballs will be final and in the event of a tie, duplicate footballs will be awarded.

 

The Curse of the Halloween Pencil

The Curse of the Halloween Pencil – n. all Halloween pencils have a curse. If someone breaks a Halloween pencil in half, they instantly become a wussy pansie for the rest of their life. Be careful out there, if you break a Halloween pencil, you’ll never get laid again! (by a girl, if you’re a guy, or a guy if you’re a girl, unless money is involved).

 

Joke #18735

Bill Gates my father is not.

As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled “St. Mary’s Income” and one labeled “St. Mary’s Expenditures.”

While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.

Now the church’s income is stored in “St.Mary.sin” and expenses in “St.Mary.sex.”

 

Joke #18675

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, “I want a quickie.”

She turns red in the face and ahems, “Sir, I don’t know what kind of restaurant you’re used to eating in, but I can assure you you’re not going to get a quickie here!”

“How disappointing,” the man replied. “Could you ask the chef to make an exception?”

“He doesn’t have anything to do with it!” says the waitress indignantly.

“Hmmm,” do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?”

“I’m SURE I don’t know,” answers the waitress loudly.

A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, “I think it’s pronounced QUICHE.”

 

Joke #18668

Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, “What did he start doing instead of these things?”

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, “Well, my sister is pregnant now.”

 

Joke #18466

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read:

“Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!”

“I suppose,” the husband responded dryly, “we could clean the house.”