#23319: davepoobond -> Automatic Man

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series The Case of the Stolen Backpack

During High School…

davepoobond: my backpack got jacked

davepoobond: during lunch

Automatic Man: LOL

davepoobond: when i was buying my lunch, i bet some kid thought it was his

davepoobond: but there wasn’t any extra backpacks out there

davepoobond: my cell phone, calculator, binder full of all the papers for the year so far, my english binder, and my english notebook are all gone

Automatic Man: that sux

davepoobond: i’m pretty much screwed on the next sociology test

Automatic Man: ya

davepoobond: and the next time my english teacher collects the notebooks

davepoobond: and my squackle notebook was in there too

davepoobond: its vucking gay

Automatic Man: ya

Automatic Man: ull get it back prlly

davepoobond: i dont know though

davepoobond: there wasn’t an extra backpack anywhere

davepoobond: that doesn’t really make sense does it

Automatic Man: the world doesnt

davepoobond: why would someone come back pick up their backpack and keep mine

davepoobond: unless they wanted to keep my shit

davepoobond: for some stupid reason

Automatic Man: ill give it back to you tomorrow

Automatic Man: 😛

davepoobond: did you seriously take it

davepoobond: i dont think you did

Automatic Man: no, i didn’t. and it sux that it was taken.

davepoobond: i had a lot of pens and markers too

davepoobond: and white out

davepoobond: and lead

Automatic Man: ya

davepoobond: scissors. my favorite scissors

davepoobond: my favorite calculator

Automatic Man: lol

davepoobond: my glasses case

Automatic Man: u had a fav.?>

davepoobond: yeah i have a favorite everything

davepoobond: i prefer the scientific calculator i had to a graphing calculator

Automatic Man: lo

 

Deep Sea Research: The Journal of Dr. Jerry Braduly

June 1, 1999

Today I went to Office Depot and bought a notebook.  It was a pretty good price, if I do say so myself.  A colleague of mine had suggested I get a college-ruled notebook this time, as the wide-ruled paper I had been getting over the years did not allow for sufficient explanation of scientific principles, and often I would take fifteen notebooks explaining one concept and I would get confused in the order or lose whole notebooks at any given time.  Somehow I don’t think the college-ruled notebook will help me act smarter but given that Dr. Sandra DeBaer also had suggested the good idea of using paper towels instead of my hand to clean things in my house, maybe this will work better too.

June 18, 1999

My research team, Braduly Research Team, has set up a lab and funding for our next experiment.  We have located ourselves to the outskirts of a marina in Long Beach, CA to prepare for excursions out into the ocean.  I have selected a team of brave volunteers to deep sea dive into the treacherous depths of Long Beach to accomplish our research goal.

June 19, 1999

Today I brought in three starfish to experiment on.  Part of the lofty goal we have chosen to explore will require us to test the electrical resistance of starfish and other sea-life we might encounter during our deep sea dive.  Documenting our tests before the first dive will prove to be useful as we will make sure to not be surprised about exploding sea animals.

June 24, 1999

It has been five days since we barbecued starfish.  We decided to eat the starfish but they didn’t sit very well with our stomachs and we have been feeling sick for the past five days.  We should have just stuck with the Brazilian restaurant down the street.  They might take forever to make their food but at least we won’t feel like more starfish are growing in our stomach.

June 30, 1999

The second stage of our pre-dive experiments has been successful.  We have acquired thermal shielding for our deep sea scuba gear and are retrofitting our underwater vehicles.  We must now plan for the contingency of releasing something we may not want to release.  We will be experimenting with the torpedo systems in case any unforeseen terrors arise from beneath the Earth’s crust.

July 4, 1999

Today is July 4th, Independence Day.  The beach has been overrun by patriots and their silly showings of nationalism.  Nationalism is bad for countries; don’t they know what they are doing to their own country?  We are all at base right now waiting for the escapades to end.  We watch the silly explosions of chemicals on television, adding to the already existing pollution in our air.  They celebrate the birth of a nation by killing the world it is on!  It is quite hilarious, really.

July 5, 1999

We have spent the better part of the day re-establishing our communications array that was knocked askew by a rogue firework.  I had to call AT&T to come out and look at it, and they said next time they come out they would have to charge us forty dollars because we have equipment attached to our communications systems that we didn’t purchased from them.  How does that even make sense?  Do they expect us to not use the communications systems that we pay for because we are using computers that aren’t made by them for a problem that isn’t even something that I had control over?  Who do they think they are?  Our dial-up modems download at five kilobytes a second — it might be fast but we can’t afford to waste any more time than is necessary.

I’ve been a paying customer for 3 years and pay 150 dollars for our phone lines each month.  The funding for this experiment will run dry if there are too many more delays.

July 23, 1999

I have just got back from our funding meeting with Hersher & Globula, a multinational candy-making company.  Those goobers think they can just cut off my funding with no explanation when I ask for more operatives to take over the marina.  Well I got news for them!  I am so close to the discovery of what lies beneath the Long Beach Seaquarium, that I will find volunteers to help me – FOR FREE.

July 26, 1999

I’ve posted bulletins up on telephone polls for operatives to help me discover what lies beneath the crust of the Earth.  The response has been surprisingly overwhelming and I now have over three hundred volunteers equipped with their own gear and weaponry to put my experiment into motion.  The Landrill has completed its final tests and is now ready to begin digging in the whale tank of the Long Beach Seaquarium.

August 12, 1999

It is the first day we have full control of the Long Beach Seaquarium.  After we threw out all the marina employees and released the animals into the ocean, we activated the Landrill to begin its long trek into the crust.  The 345 security operatives have full control of the marina at this very moment and we are keeping the administration of the marina locked in their offices.  They are allowed to resume their daily duties, as we require food to be imported.  We may get sick of eating fish that was meant for dolphins and whales, but I do not plan on waiting long for our goal to be accomplished.

August 14, 1999

There have been three incursions to our sanctity by the local law enforcement.  Two by land, one by sea.  All I will say is that it was a good thing we brought torpedoes.  Due to our preparation and strategic location, we have very limited casualties and work on the Landrill goes swimmingly (pun intended).

August 17, 1999

The police chief has agreed to send us daily regiments of pizza to feed my army in exchange for one prisoner.  I believe this is a fair trade off, considering this one prisoner is so ridiculously illogical and talks about how she believes in God.  Honestly, how can you be a scientist and still believe in that good-for-nothing loser?  He is a rapist and a terrorist, and he’s probably guilty of murder.

August 20, 1999

Our quest to find what lies beneath the Earth’s crust is nearly through!  We have finally almost hit the edge of the crust with the Landrill.  We must be careful now, as the chocolate that lies beneath the Earth’s crust must be cultivated and sold to candy makers at high prices!  This will be the biggest discovery mankind has known since I proved that clouds are made of cotton candy!

August 22, 1999

As I write this, I felt it was important to note what evil I have unleashed upon this Earth.  There are DEMON CHOCOLATE BUNNIES UNDERNEATH THE MARINA!  They have dismembered fifteen of my operatives and our bullets and electricity guns do not harm them.  They slowly advance out of the hole created by the Landrill.  We are in a pincer attack situation, with Demon Chocolate Bunnies coming from within our position and police advancing from the outside.  This situation is hopeless, but when the police discover what is happening, I will be who has the last laugh.

 

AHAHAHAHhhhAHAHHA

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Mi CuADERNo DE Espanol SPANiSH NoTEBooK

1) mi vocabulary
2) Mi Gramatic
3) mi tarea

2353
Discovered Room 102 unlocked told custodian earlier approximately

2300
That rooms 202, Bal-E, 211 unlocked. He secured Bal-E & 211. I tried to secure door but couldn’t. A key is required.

0000
Room 202 unlocked. Unable to scure. a key is required

0002
Room 206 unlocked. Can’t secure

0004
Room around corner from 206 through doorway across from mural unlocked I set off alarm after opening door

 

The Band-Aid Bandit

This entry is part 9 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So, there was this complete spaz that came in last week on Tuesday.

This guy was very, VERY concerned that he might have taken a band-aid accidentally and didn’t pay for it.  The conversation went something like this:

Spaz: “Uhhh hi, I was wondering if there is a way to see if I had accidentally taken something.  I don’t know if I did or not cause I bought a lot of stuff and I’m not sure if I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids.  Would there be anyway to see if I did?”

dave: “Ummm…do you have a receipt?  That would be the only for-sure way I can tell you if you paid for something or not.”

At this point, I’m not sure if his concern is that he didn’t pay for it or that he was charged for something he didn’t want.

Spaz: “Uhh, a receipt?  Uhh ahhh uhhh no.  I don’t have a receipt.  But I think I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids and I already opened a package and I used one but I don’t know if I took it and I was wondering if there was a way to check for that.”

dave: “Well, again, the only way I can tell for sure or not is whether or not you have your receipt.  I can tell you for sure what you got charged for if you have one.”

Spaz: “OH, uhhh a receipt, I don’t have that.”

So, after a few seconds of him not really saying anything else…

dave: “Umm…well, let me ask my manager for you to see if there’s anything we can figure out.”

At this point I’m dumbfounded that he’s making such a big deal about this.  I have nothing else that I can come up with to say to him, so I asked my manager and told him the situation, that he thinks he might have taken something accidentally or whatever.  My manager said it would take a lot of leg work to figure out if he took anything, and as long as it was an honest mistake, we would excuse it, so I went back to the Spaz and told him…

dave: “I talked to my manager and he said it was okay, you don’t have to worry about it.  Thank you for your honesty, but you don’t have to worry about it.”

Spaz: “Oh, really?  I don’t have to worry about it…?  But I might have taken something without paying for it, you guys aren’t going to do anything about it?  It might have been glue or a pencil or something, I don’t know what I might have taken, are you sure it’s ok?”

So, at this point I’m perplexed as to why he isn’t even sure about what he might have taken anymore.

dave: “Umm, well, like I said.  My manager said it was okay, and you don’t have to worry about it.  Going forward, just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store, and there won’t be a problem.”

Spaz: “OH, but I didn’t pay for something and I don’t know if I took it or not”

dave: “Like I said, it’s ok.  It’s really not possible for us to check something like that, and we’re going to excuse it this time.  Just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store in the future.”

Spaz: “Umm..ok.”

So, he finally leaves.

Then.  He comes back.  And says the same stuff again, to which I explain to him again.  Then he leaves.  Then he comes back again.  Then I tell him the same stuff.  Then he leaves.  He leaves and comes back consistently over 20 minutes.

He’s wasting my god damned time at this point.  So, I get really frustrated and say “I’M NOT DEALING WITH THIS ANYMORE, I’M GOING ON LUNCH.”

So, I go on lunch.  I come back only to hear that the guy comes back TWO MORE TIMES, and talks to my co-worker, who said he said the exact same thing I told him again.  But the second time, he came back with a notebook and wrote down exactly what my co-worker had said.  He didn’t appear for the rest of the day.

I didn’t work in the store on Wednesday, but I came back on Thursday at around 12.  I heard that “my friend” had came back from my manager and I was like “what friend?”  My manager said the guy that came a couple days ago saying he might have taken a band-aid.  I was like “Oh, great.”

Not even five minutes after he told me he was in the store, the guy came back and I was there to talk to him.

Spaz: “Uh, hi.  Do you remember what we were talking about last week or a while ago?”

Note that it wasn’t last week, it was Tuesday, the day before yesterday that he had come in.

dave: “Uh.  Maybe.”

Spaz: “Well, ok, well, I think I might have taken something I hadn’t paid for, like band-aids or glue or pens or something, and I don’t know if I paid for it, is there a way you can check that?”

This fucking guy.

dave: “Like I said before.  It’s ok, don’t worry about it.”

Spaz: “Don’t worry about it?  What if it was something expensive?”

Ok, so NOW he’s getting on my nerves AND is acting suspicious as fuck.

dave: “Well, did you take anything expensive?”

Spaz: “No, I don’t know what I took, I think it’s in my notebook and my notebook is messy.”

dave: “Ok, well let’s do this then.  Get your notebook in order.  Then figure out what you might have taken out of the bookstore.”

Spaz: “Ok, oh but uh my notebook isn’t here.  But even if its expensive, you guys aren’t going to do anything?”

dave: “Ok, like I said, don’t worry about it, you can go.”

At this point, I just wanted him to leave, so I kept saying it was okay, and I actually told him to leave.  He finally left.  But then he came back to look at a folder or something, and then left.

After that, I told my manager what he had said and we both became suspicious of him, so I called our security and told them to keep an eye on that guy.

I basically came to the conclusion that the guy did steal something but he was using this ruse and us saying it’s “okay” as a justification for stealing whatever he had stolen OR stealing whatever he was planning on stealing.

He would just not drop it, and would not leave.  He’s been stewing on this for at least 3 days’ worth of time, and its so obvious this guy has some weird mental problem.

 

Joke #11355

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”