More and more people are getting divorced these days. That’s because now it’s easier to get divorced than ever before. Pretty soon they’ll do away with divorce all together and just give money-back guarantees on marriages.
Did you hear about the near-sighted basketball player who married a giraffe?
A guy took his girl to a college football practice and pointed towards the players. “See that big guy over there, Number 15?” he said. “I think he’s going to be our best man next year.”
The coed said, “Golly! This is so sudden!”
A young man wanted to marry a comedian’s daughter. “Sir,” said the young man, “may I have your daughter for my wife?”
The comic, a widower for many years, replied, “If your wife can cook and clean house, it’s a deal.”
“You’re very beautiful,” the boss said to the new secretary. “I’ll bet a lot of men ask you for dates.”
The girl smiled sweetly and replied, “Yes, but I don’t go out with anyone I find unattractive. I let them down nicely by telling them I’m married.”
The boss nodded. “That makes sense. Say, are you busy Saturday night?”
“Yes,” she answered, “I’m getting married.”
TEDDY: “Will you marry me, my darling?”
TINA: “I’m not sure. You’ve been married five times and I’ve heard some nasty stories about you.”
TEDDY: “Don’t believe any of them. Those stores are nothing, but old wives’ tales.”
Just once, I’d like to meet an honest man who responds to a question about his marital status by saying, “I’ve been an unhappily married man for ten years.”
Rumor has it that newlyweds love to visit a new horse racing track at Niagra Falls, because during the races they allow paramutual petting.
“Why do you wear your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Simple. I married the wrong person.”
My wife and I argue so much that when our anniversary comes around, we celebrate it with a minute of silence.
The best thing for married people who continually argue is separate bedrooms, in separate houses, in separate states!
Q: Do you know what keeps the average married man from buying a color TV set?
A: …Reading the price tag in black and white.
WILSON: “If you don’t marry me, Nelly, I’ll get a rope and hang myself in front of your home.”
NELLY: “Please, Wilson, don’t do that. you know my daddy doesn’t want you hanging around here.”
MRS. O’DAY: “Your husband seems to be a man of rare gifts.”
MRS. O’HAY: “That he is. He hasn’t given me one since we were married five years ago.”
When I got married, my wife didn’t take me for better or worse. She took me for everything I had.