(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)
(Old Grandpa is rocking in his chair, and has had enough of watching Fred and Alyssa beat on each other)
Old Grandpa: Hey! You two brats stop fighting! I’ll tell you another story if you stop fighting!
Alyssa: Shut up, you old geezer!
Fred: Yeah! We don’t wanna hear any of your stupid stories. That Anne Frank story didn’t even make sense!
(Old Grandpa gets up and whacks both of them with his cane in one swipe)
Old Grandpa: YOU STUPID KIDS! THAT STORY MADE SENSE! YOU TWO DUMBASSES ARE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THE PURE, GENUINE….stuff in that story!
(Old Grandpa sits back down)
Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you a story that will REALLY get you interested! And you’ll be able to relate to the story in many many ways! Its about dinosaurs-
Alyssa: Yay! Dinosaurs! I love dinosaurs!
(Old Grandpa pokes Alyssa in the ribs)
Old Grandpa: not just any ol’ dinosaurs! These were dinosaurs with…furry asses!
Fred (with a dumb look on her face): whaauuuu…?
Old Grandpa: Don’t believe any of that hu-bub about dinosaurs! I’ll tell you the TRUTH about them!
Fred: because you lived among them?
(Old Grandpa threatens to swing at Fred, but puts his cane down)
Old Grandpa: yes, actually I was…! …I OWNED Fur-assic Park!
Alyssa: WHOOOAAAAA!!!! REALLY, GRANDPA!?
(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the face)
Old Grandpa: DONT SPEAK OUTTA TURN, BOY!
(Old Grandpa leans back into his chair rubbing his chin)
Old Grandpa: well, it all happened like this….
(squiggly lines distort the screen, and the scene changes to a dinosaur in labor, pooping out eggs)
(the dinosaur squeals have been translated to normal English, because I’m the author)
Dinosaur Mama: YOU BASTARD! I TOLD YOU TO USE A CONDOM! NOW LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME NOW! YOU BASTARD! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOUUU DID THIS TO ME!!!!
(Dinosaur Mama takes a swipe at Dinosaur Dada and misses)
Dinosaur Dada: I’m sorry hunney! Condoms weren’t invented yet!
Dinosaur Mama: DONT GIVE ME THAT “CONDOMS WEREN’T INVETED YET” MAMMAL SHIT! YOU’VE SEEN ALL THE OTHER-
(scene is interrupted and goes to Fred’s disgusted face)
Fred: NOT AGAIN! GRANDPA!
(Old Grandpa frowns)
Old Grandpa: all right all right! Basically, that’s how dinosaurs gave birth…”back then.” But then, some clatyclismic thingy happened, and they all died. THE BIRTH OF YOU TWO!
(Old Grandpa swipes at both of them with his cane, and they both get whacked in their faces)
Mom: You know that’s not right! Grandpa, tell the REAL story! They didn’t die because they were born! It was because YOU were born!
Old Grandpa (pointing the cane at Mom): Don’t give me that, Mom!
Mom: Oh no? Tell the real story, or I’ll kick you in your semen maker machine!
Old Grandpa: OH NO! Anything but the semen maker machine! Ever since my real, God-given machine stopped working, that’s been my lifeline!
(Mom gets closer to the black package that is by Old Grandpa on the floor)
Old Grandpa: OK OK OK!!! Fine, I’ll tell the REAL story…
(squiggly lines go again and the scene switches to night, with a cage overhead)
(a guy with a shotgun loaded with lollipops is staring at the cage as it comes down off the crane)
Security Guard 1: So, this is it?
Security Guard 2: Yes, it is…
Security Guard 3: LETS POKE AT IT!
(Security Guard 3 takes a cattle rod and starts poking at the thing inside of the cage)
(the thing inside turns around, and fur comes out of the bars)
Security Guard 2: OH NO! ITS TRYING TO ESCAPE! EVERYONE POKE AT IT AND MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS CORNERED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAGE!
(15 more security guards come along with cattle rods and start shocking it as well)
Security Guard 14: DIEE!!
(The thing inside doesnt move, and farts out green smoke, enveloping 9 security guards in its gaseous gas)
Security Guard 12: Oh my god! It smells…so bad!
(Another second passed, and the green smoke started to come back in the way it came, taking the security guards with it)
(Crocodile Dundee appears out of nowhere)
(the scene goes right back to Old Grandpa)
Old Grandpa: In case you don’t know what Crocodile Dundee is doing here, he’s the Park Warden, that I hired! I saw Crocodile Dundee goes to Los Angeles, and I just HAD to hire him for the job! He knows how to rassle a gator! ….I think…
(the scene goes back to Crocodile Dundee, and he runs to one of the Security Guards, holding him from being sucked in with the gas)
Crocodile Dundee: G’day! HOLD ON!!!
Security Guard 4: I CANT HOLD ON! ITS TOO STRONG! AHHHHH!!!!!! TELL MY KIDS THAT I LOVE THEM!
(Security Guard 12 flies past Security Guard 4 as he said that)
Security Guard 12: YOU DONT HAVE KIDS! AHHHH!!!
(Security Guard 12 disappears with a crunch)
Security Guard 4: Oh yeah…DONT LET GO!!! AHHH!!!
(Crocodile Dundee loses his grip, and Security Guard 4 disappears)
(Security Guard 4’s cattle rod falls to the ground by the cage, and the camera pans into it, zooming onto it, not going away, and stays there)
Old Grandpa: That was a sad day. I lost a few good men that day…NOT THAT I REALLY CARE! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! I DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY THEM! AND NO ONE SUED ME BECAUSE I WAS IN A 3RD WORLD COUNTRY! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
(Old Grandpa laughs maniacally as the camera freezes on the cattle rod)
Old Grandpa: I’m such a bastard, aren’t I? Anywho, the next day….
(Crocodile Dundee is walking along)
Crocodile Dundee: La la la la……..I’m Crocodile Dundee. G’day mate!
(Younger Old Grandpa walks over to him, but he’s still pretty fuckin’ old)
Younger Old Grandpa: What the hell are you doin’! you’re supposed to be workin’, ya goddam Aussie! Yer lucky I hired you, or you’d be in your 10 dollar home in Australia saying “g’day mate, might I have a role in your movie so I can earn a living” all day!
(Crocodile Dundee gives him a thumbs up)
Younger Old Grandpa: Glad you understand!
(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa)
Old Grandpa: what I didn’t know then, was that a thumbs up in Australia means “up yours!” THE NERVE OF THAT BASTARD! He’s piss poor, and he flicks me off…If he were still alive I’d kill him! Well, anyway, I invited 2 archaeologists, an actor, and some lawyer guy, along with my two, (very sarcastic, looking at Mom) LOVING……ADORING CHILDREN!
Mom: Its not my fault.
Fred: Your fault for what mommy?
Mom: your births…….just listen…
Old Grandpa: I also had 2 really really dumbass programmer guys running the whole fuggin park from the inside. They were Samuel L. Jackson and Jerry Seinfeld. Boy, I tell you. I really know how to pick’em…
(squiggly lines distort the screen, and go to Jerry Seinfeld’s face)
Jerry Seinfeld: hey sammy! sammy sammy sammmmmyyy
Samuel L. Jackson: what do you want?
Jerry Seinfeld: what do you get when you cross an elphant with a cocaine addict? A big snorter! Ahahaha
Samuel L. Jackson: what the hell you talkin ’bout, boy!? Are you dissin’ my MAMA?
Jerry Seinfeld: Why, I never heard of such accusations! except the time I was screwin’ yer mom up the ass last night! booya! I did your mom, how do you like THAT!
Samuel L. Jackson: that’s it! See hwo you like this!
(Samuel hits the enter key)
Jerry Seinfeld: what are you do–HEY! My Solitaire game! You stupid fuck! I’ll get you for this!
Samuel L. Jackson: yeah, what are you gonna do? Lock us out of the system, turn off all the power to the park and make us reset the whole thing while lots of people die in the process, including me?
Jerry Seinfeld: I was just gonna hire a clown to harass you, but that’s a pretty good idea. Let me tell you something. I eat chicken strips, but clowns these days are expensive.
(Crocodile Dundee comes in)
Crocodile Dundee: shut the hell up, the lot of you. Or I’ll G’day your asses all night.
Old Grandpa: What a lot of dumbasses. No wonder my theme park failed. Wsell, eventually, my guests wanted to know how everything in the park worked, so I put them into my tour…
(squiggly lines distort the scene again)
(Younger Grandpa steps before a big screen and on the screen, he comes out)
Younger Grandpa: why, hellooooo Grandpa!
Younger Grandpa on Screen: hello there!
Younger Grandpa: could I have a prick of your blood?
Younger Grandpa on Screen: shore! why not!?
(Younger Grandpa pricks the Grandpa on screen’s “finger” and then 2 more Younger Grandpa on Screens come out)
Younger Grandpa on Screen: oh! hello there!
Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hello!
Younger Grandpa on Screen 3: oh hello!
Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hoowww did you do it?
Younger Grandpa on Screen: I’ll tell you!
(Mr. Dna comes out of Younger Grandpa on Screen’s finger)
Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: oh! Mr. DNA! how are you?
Mr. DNA: YOU STUPID FUCK! I WAS FINE UNTIL YOU FUCKED ME UP! YOU STUPID GENETIC-ALTERING BASTARD! YOU SCREWED GOD UP THE ASS WHEN YOU STARTED FUCKING WITH ME! BIIIIIITTTCHHHAAAAA! FUCK YOOOOOUUUUU!
Younger Grandpa on Screen: how about you tell us what we did to you?
Mr. DNA: fine, you FUCK. What they did to me was take the DNA of a dinosaur and filled the holes with the DNA of a hairy hairy hairy Armenian! That’s where all the dinosaurs get all the hair from. Should have though that through, don’t you think?
Younger Grandpa: hmm….yes….
(goes back to Old Grandpa)
Old Grandpa: Mr. DNA sure had a point. well, Mom and Mom’s Brother were walking along the T-Rex cage when Mom’s Brother decided to poke at him with a stick…
(the scene goes to an annoying looking kid poking the T-Rex in the leg with a long stick)
Mom’s Brother: ahhaha stupid T-Rex! Hahahah
(The T-Rex reaches over the cage and chomps him up in one bite)
Alternative scene for the T-Rex scene:
Mom’s Brother: I wanna see the Fur-Rex!
Crocodile Dundee: fine, you stupid wanker. Everyone get into these trucks.
(the trucks go to the Fur-Rex pen)
(the Fur-Rex is lounging on a couch, drinking beer, watching football)
Mom’s Brother: Oh WOWWW! Its the Fur-Rex!!!
(the Fur-Rex looks over to Mom’s Brother for a second)
Mom’s Brother: ohhhhh my GOD! Its sooooooo coooool!
Fur-Rex: hey, kid. Shut the hell up.
Mom’s Brother: AHHHHHHH!
Fur-Rex: you stupid fuck! I’m watching the Rams getting the crap beaten out of them by the Vikings!
Mom’s Brother: whoooooo!
(The Fur-Rex charges the 10,000 voltage fence, and the scene switches to Jerry Seinfeld, just as he turns the power off)
Jerry Seinfeld: hehe! let me tell yo usomething. When I want to turn her off. I can REALLY turn her off. Ahahahaaha!
(a guy with a bass appears and starts playing the Seinfeld theme song as Jerry Seinfeld, with shaving cream in each hand runs around spraying it all around)
(scene goes back to Fur-Rex and the Fur-Rex breaks through the gate, roaring)
Fur-Rex: NOW you’re gonna get it, kid!
Mom’s Brother: ………………………………..HOLY SHIT!
(the kid runs out of the jeep and the T-Rex eats him)
Fur-Rex: HAAAAAA! Wait a sec…my TV isn’t working! This stupid Ford Explorer is the problem!
(the camera zooms in on “Fur-Assic Park” on the door, and then the Fur-Rex kicks it off a cliff that somehow wasn’t there before)
Old Grandpa (rubbing his chin, and talking sarcastically): I still can’t figure out where he learned how to do that…because I taught him to eat both of them up……..anyway that dumb annoying lawyer guy was taking a crap in the Stegosaurus’s bathroom, and the Stegos got pretty friggin’ mad and ate him.Old Grandpa: I told Crocodile Dundee he could go shoot any dinosaurs he wanted if the power was shut off by a rogue employee, because the dinosaurs were probably gonna kill us before we could blow our noses….or just everyone else, because I was going to get on a helicopter right away, and he chose to go kill the raptors, I guess.
(scene goes to Crocodile Dundee)
Crocodile Dundee: shit. The powers out. That means the raptors are outside of their cages.
(scene goes to the Raptors, 4 of them, playing cards)
Betty Raptor: got any 3s?
Veronica Raptor: go fish
(scene switches back to Crocodile Dundee)
Crocodile Dundee: …time to hunt them.
(Crocodile Dundee takes out his ankle dagger, puts it in his mouth, holding it wwith his teeth, and takes a shotgun out of the closet and loads it)
(scene switches back to the Raptors)
Christina Raptor: go fish
Meany Raptor: god dammit! fuck you and your go fishing!
(Meany has half the deck and no cards on the table. She takes another one)
(all of a sudden Crocodile Dundee jumps out of nowhere onto the table, taking his knife out of his mouth)
Betty: what the hell?
Crocodile Dundee: time to die, WANKERS! I’m gonna G’DAY ya ALL!
Meany Raptor: Get him! He ruined our Poker game!
Veronica Raptor: I thought it was bridge!
Christina Raptor: I thought it was roulette
Betty: ummm…it was all his fault!
(the raptors charge Crocodile Dundee)
(the tree focuses on a tree past the scene)
(Crocodile Dundee is strapped to the table)
Crocodile Dundee: what are you gonna do with me wankers?
Meany: well, we decided that we’re gonna make you get us pregnant
(camera zooms in on Crocodile Dundee)
Crocodile Dundee: oh shit
Meany Raptor: and we have a 10% chance to actually get pregnant. Maybe less since you’re a stupid dumbass. That means, you’re gonna have to do each of us 10 times at least, which equals 40 times total…at least…
(Crocodile Dundee has his mouth gaping open)
(scene goes to the actor walking around with his hands in his back pockets)
Old Grandpa: As well as for that actor…….he lives, because he’s………..in the sequel……….but he doesn’t get off Scott-free!
Jeff Goldblum: hum dee dum dee dum! I’m Jeff Goldblum, and *I* suck.
(raptors come out of nowhere)
Jeff Goldblum: RAPTORS!
(the raptors take out his legs then run away, singing a Britney Spears song)
Jeff Goldblum: MY LEGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Old Grandpa: that’ll teach him to bring his fancy shmancy acting around MY parks! By the way, there was this one stupid stupid fat bastard that tried to steal my dinosaurs!
(scene goes to Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld)
Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: dehe-hehheh…..i’m-a-gonna-steal-these’ms………
Old Grandpa: that stupid fat bastard! Never trust an actor that used to be on Seinfeld!
Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: Yeeehaw!
(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld steals embryos and puts them in a shaving cream can)
Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: WHEEEEEEEE!
(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld gets into a jeep and runs into a jungle gym)
Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: crap I lost my glasses!
(a lizard comes out from a tree)
Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: awww, lookit the cute little kitty…
(the lizard sprays black acid into his face)
Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: AHHH! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
(the scene cuts to Old Grandpa, and he’s laughing like crazy, evily)
Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! That’ll teach him to mess with Old Grandpa! Now I don’t remember what happened to Samuel L. Jackson…but I think he did a few things…hmm
(scene cuts to a Fur-Rex having sex with another Fur-Rex)
Fur-Rex: oh ya! oh yeah!
Fur-Rex 2: mmh! I love it! give me more
Samuel L. Jackson: Dinosaur sex sure is nasty
(Samuel L. Jackson takes a sip of a drink)
Samuel L. Jackson: but I surrreee do like it!
(Samuel L. Jackson smiles)
Old Grandpa: after Jerry Seinfeld sabotaged everything, I suppose he was driving kind of dangerously through the jungle or something.
(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld driving a jeep dangerously going every whichway he feels like. Jerry is throwing shaving cream out everywhere)
Daddy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: what the hell is that guy doing? He’s putting all this shaving cream on my lawn. I know I need some, but this is ridiculous. Stupid kid. I’M NOT THAT HAIRY!
Mommy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: get him Urv!
Urv: oh alright
(Jerry Seinfeld is driving maniacally now)
Jerry Seinfeld: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Urv jumps onto the hood)
Jerry Seinfeld: shit!
Urv: you bastard! you’ve gone too far!
(Urv crashes through the window and spits at Jerry Seinfeld)
Urv: patooey patooey!
Jerry Seinfeld: ewwwwwwwwww! ……………….it burns!
Urv: yeah, just wait till I whip out my wang!
(an unzipping sound is heard, as the camera gets a shot of the car zooming past a turn)
(and a crashing sound is heard)
(scene cuts going back to Urv’s wife Natasha, and Urv walks up to her)
Urv: hey Natasha, look what I found!
Natasha: what is it?
Urv: its a goozak dildo. I found it in my pants when I was beating that guy
Natasha: alright! now we can have sex and have babies.
Urv: it sucks when you’re the man of the house and you’re female. I don’t have no dong thing to do you with
(Natasha pats him on the shoulder)
Natasha: its ok, we have the goozak now. Strap it on.
(scene cuts to Natasha getting ass rammed by Urv. They have their skin that was around their neck up, and they’re both hissing like crazy. You couldn’t see it before, but under that skin stuff, there was a lot of hair, so they have really hairy necks….yeah…)
(a piece of poop is focused on, as little chicken-sized dinosaurs jump out from behind a pile of furry crap)
Old Grandpa: there were these little dinosaurs I taught to talk like college professors……..at least with their accents…
(the dinosaurs have English college professor accents)
Chicken Sized Dinosaur 1: Have you eaten your helping of crap yet, my dear good chum?
Chicken Sized Dinosaur 2: No, I haven’t chap, but I’m sure Denny has already spilled his dish over to mine…
(both of them look over to Denny)
Denny: what? Its not my fault they named an all-american food restaurant chain after me. Bah!
(the dinosaurs went back to eating their crap)
Old Grandpa: ah yes, it was fun talking with those guys, all they ever did was smoke and eat poop…….
Fred: I do that too!
Alyssa: me too!
(Old Grandpa raises an eyebrow at them)
Old Grandpa: what in tarnation? Anyway…..the scientists or achaeologists or whatever they are, were so smart they were stupid…
(scene cuts to the archaelogists)
Archaeologist 1: I found some eggs! They’re mating! OMG OMG OMG!
Furrasaur: hey! put down my breakfast, fag!
(Furrasaur swings his tail at Archaeologist and he flies away)
(later on, the archaelogists are back together or whatever…)
Archaeologist 1: ooh, look at this bone, its so old I think it may be well over 10 years old. Don’t you say?
Archaeologist 2: hmm, yes, but I do say that it does look like it was here before we were ever born
(both of them chuckle)
Old Grandpa: I don’t even know their names…
Archaeologist 1: why, what’s that over here?
(Archaeologist 1 climbs up onto a furry rock)
Archaeologist 2: I don’t know……try jumping up and down on it.
(Archaeologist 1 jumps up and down, up and down, anddddddddddddddddddd falls into the middle of it)
Archaeologist 1: well, I do say…I have been swallowed up by a dinosaur’s auss!
Archaeologist 2: might I have a look-see?
(Younger Old Grandpa pops out of nowhere)
Younger Old Grandpa: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
(Younger Old Grandpa shoves Archaeologist 2 into the Fur-Rex’s ass as well)
Old Grandpa: what might have happened to Jerry Seinfeld, you might ask?
(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld with black stuff all around in his jeep)
Jerry Seinfeld: I’ve been spat on before, but nothing like this! And I thought my “routine” was bad because everyone in the room spat on me, but this is a real killer!
(Jerry falls onto the ground, looking around)
Jerry Seinfeld: where’s Samuel when you need him…?
(scene switches to Samuel L. Jackson riding a goat around the park)
Samuel L. Jackson: boy, isn’t this fun
(Ben Affleck on his goat, runs into Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson’s goat dies)
Samuel L. Jackson: HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’!
Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap
Samuel L. Jackson: HEY
Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap
Samuel L. Jackson: you fuck! you better give me a ride!
(Ben Affleck gets back onto his goat)
Ben Affleck: better luck next time!
Samuel L. Jackson: oh no you don’t!
(Samuel L. Jackson takes out a lightsaber and jumps into the air, slicing off the goat’s legs)
Ben Affleck: no! what’d you do! I have somewhere to go!
Samuel L. Jackson: you said better luck next time! Now I’m gonna take off each of your lims one….by….one……with my lightsaber
(Ben Affleck’s eyes widen as the lightsaber gets nearer to his face)
(meanwhile, the Ice Cream Man is waiting for Ben Affleck)
Ice Cream Man: hmm…well it looks like he’s not coming today
(the Ice Cream Man pushes away his cart, and gets into the ice cream truck and starts driving away into the jungle)
Fur-Rex: I smell ice cream!!
(the Fur-Rex jumps out of a tree and starts chasing the truck down the long path)
Fur-Rex: ICE CREAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!
(Ice Cream Man looks back)
Ice Cream Man (screaming like a girl): AIYEEEEE!!
(Ice Cream Man floors the gas pedal, but still doesn’t go that fast)
Fur-Rex: hey! where are you going?
(inside the truck)
Ice Cream Man: this’ll fend him off!
(Ice Cream Man plays the Ice Cream Man music)
Ice Cream Man: ahahahaa! DIE!
(but then more Fur-Rexs come out and start chasing him)
Ice Cream Man: ah crap
(later on, a few Fur-Rexs are sitting against the ice cream truck with chocolate all over their mouths, one has white stuff all over its mouth)
Fur-Rex: I thought there was only chocolate ice cream in the ice cream truck
Fur-Rex 3: well, the Ice Cream Man was white
Fur-Rex 2: you ate the ice cream man?
Fur-Rex 3: not exactly…
(the Ice Cream Man stumbles out of the truck with his pants at his ankles)
Ice Cream Man: what the HELL just happened?
(the other 2 Fur-Rexs look at Fur-Rex 3 with a weird look on their faces)
Fur-Rex 3: what? what’d I do?
Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA……….hahahaha………….well that’s the story
Fred: but what happened to mom and the archaeologist and the actor?
Alyssa: yeah yeah what happened?!
Old Grandpa: Mom got pregnant and brought the worlds destruction upon us……(sarcastic now) THANK YOU MOM………the actor’s legs got better, hates Britney Spears, and is in the sequel to this movie, and the archaeologist were digested and thrown up through the mouth, eaten again, then pooped out, where they were eaten again by the English college professor accented chicken sized dinosaurs and then crapped out again, in which they were eaten by bacteria…I don’t know what happened then, because it was 24 years since then, and now I’m here telling a story to some stupid children…time for bed!
(Old Grandpa knocks them out again)