A (stupid) Story

As told by Ms. Signs.

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I was trying to cross the dance floor to the phone, but getting through the crowd was like trying to part the Red Sea. Since I’m more of a Woody Allen than a David Robinson, I decided to give peace a chance and wait for a while. Suddenly, I saw a virtual Mel Gibson who looked lost. I decided to play the Good Samaritan and go help him out. I hoped he wouldn’t see me as the Elephant Man’s Twin sister or something. Unfortunately, these Beavis and Butthead characters started trying to talk to me and they wouldn’t go away. it was like I was Linda Hamilton in “The Terminator.” They kept staring at me as if I were dressed like Madonna. One of them was even wearing a hat like Gilligan! By the time I ditched them, the Mel Gibson character had pulled a Jimmy Hoffa.

 

Top 10 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude.

8. Maybe aches, but never guilt the morning after.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. Dressing up and fantasizing isn’t considered kinky.

5. If you don’t like what you get, you can just go next door.

4. It doesn’t matter if anyone hears you moaning and groaning.

3. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

2. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

…and the number one reason trick or treating is better than sex…

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

 

Top 15 Reasons for Being Fired from Toys ‘R Us

15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

14. Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”

13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

12. Numerous parental complaints about your “Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy” display.

11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they’re the new “Jerry Springer” edition.

9. The “My Little Taxidermy Kit” (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.

7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.

6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to “nostrils” of Geoffrey the Giraffe.

5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes’ hands and telling them it was “homemade Gack.”

3. Your sales display, “Barbie’s Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu” was not exactly an overwhelming success.

2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.

1. Regardless of the question, you answer, “Bite me, kid — I’m on break.”

 

Joke #5208: Groundhog Day

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”

 

“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

 

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

 

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

 

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.

 

“I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”