There once was a man who became an arsonist. Orson the Arson was a coffee-drinking fiend and would take caffeine pills by the handful before going to work in the morning. He worked at a coffee shop in Los Angeles. The traffic in the morning was pretty boring to sit through, as you could imagine, and for every five minutes he was stuck, he would take an extra caffeine pill. All in all, he pretty much ingested 100 caffeine pills a day before going into work and drinking The Canoe of Coffee, the specialty drink of the coffee shop Canoe Coffee. It was literally a canoe filled with coffee.
At Canoe Coffee, there were many other caffeine addicts who lazed about all day, drinking a Canoe of Coffee. When a caffeine spike kicked in, the customers were regulated into the Rumpus Room where they could swing from trees, canoe down a fake river, and battle mechanical tigers and lions. There was one time when Tiger 89 malfunctioned and almost gnawed off a customer’s leg, but since they signed a waiver saying anything that may happen in the Rumpus Room stays in the Rumpus Room, they were trapped in the Rumpus Room forever!!! It was like a jail, but everyone got to point and laugh at the delegged customer who was renamed Deleggy the Legs.
Deleggy the Legs was given a desk and a computer so that she may browse the internet. She had a wireless mouse and it wouldn’t work so she called the front desk and asked for a corded mouse. Unluckily for her, it was Orson the Arson who picked up the phone.
“DELEGGY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT A CORDED MOUSE IS, LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TECHNOLOGY I BARELY KNOW HOW TO USE THIS PHONE.” Orson screamed at Deleggy.
Orson hung up the phone, and that was that.
Across the street, Canoe Coffee’s competitor Kayak Coffee served the Kayak of Coffee, which was literally a kayak full of coffee. They were having their “buy one for the price of three sale.” Kayak Coffee’s marketing of their event was pounding Canoe Coffee’s sales the whole week and they were falling behind, as they do every year around this time.
Stan Jinjam, the owner of Canoe Coffee, devised a plan to take care of Kayak Coffee once and for all. He would replace all the coffee at Canoe Coffee with Green Tea! Green Tea was super disgusting and no one likes it. Canoe Coffee would go out of business in a day!
It was around that time that Jenny Sanzdfit, owner of Kayak Coffee, devised her own plan to put Kayak Coffee out of business – replacing all of their coffee with melted butter. Canoe Coffee would go out of business in less than 3 hours!
Orson the Arson had other plans, though. He couldn’t work somewhere for very long without burning it down, since he was insane like that. Canoe Coffee and Kayak Coffee would both be good targets considering they would probably blame each other for the mess he created. It was the perfect plan, especially since they were both planning on destroying the others’ business to begin with.
That was the day when The Three Leaf Clover Gang made their move into the coffee industry. The Three Leaf Clover Gang was pushed out of the hard drug business by rising prices on gasoline, and they just couldn’t afford to keep their cocaine supply chain AND pay for gas for all their cronies.
In the middle of the night, behind Kayak Coffee, Orson was dumping gas on the persimmon trees that would start the fire. On the other side of the building, Jake “Kidney Stone” Marauder was placing explosives. He had already wired Canoe Coffee and was planning on blowing them both up at the same time. Little did either know of the other’s plans until they bumped their backs into each other.
“Who are you!?” Jake yelled as he placed his hand on his pistol.
“Who am I? WHO ARE YOU??” Orson screeched in his high-pitched caffeine voice. Orson was waving his gas can around in the air.
“What are you doing with that can of gas?”
“What are YOU doing with those explosives?”
“I’m burning this joint down, I’m an arsonist!”
“I’m blowing this joint up, I’m a mobster!”
Orson was very confused. “A mobster? Look buddy, this is my score. I need to see something burn, and soon, and your explosives are going to get in the way of my basking in the heat of fire.”
“Your score? This is our turf, we’re moving in, buddy! If anyone’s going to destroy these coffee places it’s gonna be us! We need to make a statement!” Jake poked Orson with his finger.
Orson flipped out when Jake poked him and grabbed it in his hand and then bit it.
“AHHHH! YOU BIT ME YOU SON OF A MOTHER!!!” Jake screamed.
Orson hissed at Jake and ran around behind the tree, swallowing even more caffeine pills.
Jake pulled out his gun and started blasting away at the tree. Persimmon juice started splattering everywhere as the tree was riddled with gunshots.
Orson reached into one of his pockets and began to throw caffeine pills at Jake while swallowing another handful.
“What the hell is this stuff!?” Jake smacked as many of the random raining pills away as he could. Orson quickly jumped into the tree, came down onto Jake, and began scratching him after they both crash-landed on the floor. They were showered with persimmon juice and caffeine pills as and rolling around on the ground.
“I’ll show you why they call me ‘Kidney Stone,’ you freak!” Jake grunted during the exchange.
Jake grabbed a stone off the ground and started smashing it into Orson’s kidneys.
“WAAAHHHHH!!!” Orson winced in pain as packages of caffeine pills exploded out of his pockets after being hit in the kidneys a couple of times.
“HOW MANY PILLS DO YOU HAVE??? THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!” Jake got up and backed away from Orson.
Orson crawled on the ground towards one of the loose bottles of caffeine pills. He was eating pills along the way as fast as he could.
Jake took out the detonator and started to back up again towards the persimmon tree. “Ok, kiddo. I didn’t want to kill anybody, but I’m going to put you out of your misery. Your caffeine addiction is absolutely ridiculous.”
“I can quit if I want to.” Orson slowly said as his real plan was coming to fruition.
“Yeah, that’s what they all say, but we all know that…” Jake began, but was interrupted by being lit on fire.
While Orson was behind the persimmon tree, he placed a fuse on the ground which lit up the persimmon tree — and Jake “Kidney Stone” Marauder.
A good five minutes of burning corpse later, Orson was still picking up caffeine pills off the floor, swallowing one for every three he picked up.
The Twin Brothers McGee, Lefty “Left” McGee and Righty “Other Left” McGee came out of the car to see what was holding up Jake. To their astonishment, they saw Jake; dead and burned to a crisp with the detonator still in his hand, and Orson on the ground picking up large white pills that were littered all over the ground.
Lefty and Righty looked at each other and stared at Jake and Orson in equal amounts. Orson paid no attention to the mobsters and kept picking up his pills in frantic fashion.
Lefty pointed to Orson. “Did this guy burn Jake?”
Righty pointed to Jake. “Well he wouldn’t burn himself! …would he?”
Lefty went over and grabbed Orson by the collar. “Hey man, who are you, what are you—“
Before Lefty could finish his stereotypically inquisitive line of questioning given the situation, Orson freaked out and began throwing caffeine pills into his mouth and then threw some at Lefty.
“HEY MAN! CALM DOWN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”
A swift kick to the balls from Orson was all that was needed to subdue Lefty and have him release his collar. Lefty yelled, “MY LEFTY!” and fell to the ground and passing out.
Righty, equipped his trademarked Left-Handed brass knuckle (his brother, Lefty, had a Right-Handed brass knuckle and was right-handed, too, as opposed to Righty who was left-handed) and swung at Orson the Arson.
Orson’s face got smashed and he fell to the ground into a pile of caffeine pills. Orson’s mouth became a vacuum and he sucked them all up.
Righty was getting ready to beat Orson a little bit more, and maybe marinate him for cooking, when Orson got a caffeine spike. When Orson gets a caffeine spike, he begins to get crazy. If you thought he was crazy before, you should see what happens when a crazy person goes crazy in relative terms.
Orson took a match out of his coat and took a swig from a flask full of gas. He turned around, lit the match, and sprayed the gas onto the match, lighting up Righty. Righty ran around and then fell to the ground after inhaling flames. He was soon burned on the floor. Orson removed another container of gas from his pocket and dumped it on Lefty, who was barely conscious on the floor.
Orson’s maniacally caffeinated smile filled his face as he lit another match.
Out of nowhere, from the distance, the mobster sharpshooter Langdon “The Big Sleeper” Cranson shot the match out of Orson’s hand. It flew into the air and as Orson turned around, the match landed only a couple inches away from Lefty.
Orson was caught off guard by the gunman. “The Big Sleeper” got his name not from being able to shoot very well but the fact that he is a fat guy and sleeps a lot. He was a mobster, after all, not in the military or even a local police force. He was classified as a sharpshooter because he could actually hit something when he’s shooting, unlike everyone else in the Three Leaf Clover Gang that likes to just spray bullets everywhere.
The Big Sleeper lumbered forward as he tried to make his way up the incline towards Orson and the rest of the burning bodies. Orson spat out the caffeine pills in his mouth. As they flooded out of his mouth in an endless stream, Orson began a high-pitched yell as he reached a psychotic high from the caffeine. The Big Sleeper, tired from having to shuffle at a fast pace for about ten steps, stopped dead in his tracks as he saw the flood of pills coming out of Orson’s mouth.
“Oh, no. I ain’t paid to deal with junkies no more. We are in the coffee business, now, not doing this no more. No more.” The Big Sleeper made a U-Turn and started shuffling away from Orson, occasionally looking back and trying to take a shot at him with his handgun with a scope on it. However, he completely missed every time because the angle of his large body didn’t allow for him to shoot directly behind him. Instead of shooting in the direction where Orson was, he shot to the sides, where innocent Persimmon trees became victim to bullets.
Orson jumped into the air, his hands and feet somehow lit on fire and he grabbed a hold to the back of The Big Sleeper. The Big Sleeper yelled in pain as he fell to the ground and rolled around on the floor. Orson didn’t hold on for long since the rotund man rolled faster and faster down the five foot incline. Orson remained on the floor, crawling in a slithering manner towards The Big Sleeper who was laying in the middle of the road with his huge belly up.
“I have a Fascination for Fire…” Orson said as he slithered toward The Big Sleeper.
The Big Sleeper, unable to move, could only watch as the menacing arson made his slow crawl toward him. His gun lay just out of his reach.
“AND I MUST BURNNNNN YOUUU!!!” Orson screeched as he scrounged on the ground toward The Big Sleeper.
Gun shots and the sound of flames erupted as the two coffee houses exploded. The Big Sleeper’s voice echoed into the night, but was soon masked by the explosion and fires.
“YESSSSSS!!!!!” Orson rose up from the ground as the energy from the fires invigorated him.
“It has been 600 years, but I have finally burned enough coffee-related structures to return to my true form!!” Orson’s skin began to turn to scales and large claws began to form on his hands. In a blast of stanky air and caffeine pills, Coffee Breath the Dragon has been renewed!
At that instant, 40 more members of the Three Leaf Clover Gang trooped down the street in the middle of the burning commercial complex. They had heard of the atrocities that happened to their special forces and came to deal with the “issue.”
Johnny “Funny Man” Toofonny unsheathed his sledgehammer from its holster and pointed it to the roaring dragon.
“This dragon killed Jake, Righty, Lefty, and Langdon! Let’s get him!”
At the same time, all forty of the henchmen began shooting with their submachine guns at the large dragon. Every bullet bounced off the dragon’s shiny scales as he came close to the group of henchman. With a swipe, five henchmen flew into the air towards Canoe Coffee. The large canoe on top of the building had been filled with melted butter, and the flying henchmen knocked it loose, spilling a flood of melted butter into the street where the other henchmen were.
Another swipe from Coffee Breath and this time henchman hit the kayak on top of Kayak Coffee. The kayak had been filled with green tea, and came pouring down into the street along with the melted butter.
Unknown to anyone in the world before this day, the mixture of melted butter and green tea created a concoction that had more energy in it than rocket fuel, and the gun powder residue from the firing machine guns hit the fumes created by the Melted Butter Green Tea Rocket Fuel, or MBGTRF for short. Everyone was lit on fire in a magical-looking green fire with yellow streaks.
All that was left of the Three Leaf Clover Gang in the area was Johnny Toofonny. He watched in horror as all of his friends burned in the magical green fire. Coffee Breath walked up behind him and grabbed Johnny by the head. He crushed him with his claws, throwing away the remains into the pile of burning corpses that were once his friends.
Coffee Breath began to flap his wings, and as he gained height, the MBGTRF energy began to swirl around him. It began to swirl fast enough that it turned Coffee Breath into the fastest dragon in the world and he disappeared in a streak of melted butter and green tea.
After the dust had settled, Deleggy the Legs emerged from the rubble.
The next day, both of the owners of Kayak Coffee and Canoe Coffee were sued for conspiracy of false imprisonment. It turned out Kayak Coffee and Canoe Coffee were conspiring to create insurance fraud for sabotaging each other’s companys and forcing people to harvest coffee beans in their underground jungle lair. Even though their buildings were blown up by gangsters and a dragon, their underground jungle lair became the only focus.
Moral of the story: Don’t trust news sources, they leave out the whole story.
Tags: A DPB Tag, coffee, computer, conspiracy, explosion, gangster, gasoline, insurance