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Tag - computer


Joke #23416

August 29th, 2013 Posted in (F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes No Comments »

Q: What were the two talkative computers doing?

A: They were having a disc-cussion.

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Going Blind

May 18th, 2013 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

I wrote this in 7th grade.

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If I had only three days of sight left on the first I would want to start learning Braille (Braille would be in place of school), at least I would be 3 days closer to learning how to read Braille. After that I would play video games and computer games for an hour. Then I will look at my family and try to remember what their faces look like then I would go to bed.

On the second day I would get up at 5:00 AM and play video games and computer games until it was time for me to learn Braille for six hours then I would go outside and look at the trees, the sky, the cloud, the little dog running up to me like it was attacking me then I would go inside and play video games and computer games for two hours then I would look at my family’s faces then I would stay up all night and watch TV.

On the third day I will watch TV, play video games, and computer games until it was time to learn Braille then after that I would look at my house from the outside, then I would look at my family’s faces then go to bed and hope sometime during my life we will have the technology to have eye transplants.

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delasel

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

delasel – n. something that decides to password-protect itself by no intention of anyone but itself

Ex. My hard drive decided to go delasel on me today and now I can’t access it.  I didn’t even set a password!

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raboom

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

raboom – n. the emotional and possibly physical impact an important hard drive makes on you when you realize it broke and there is uncertainty as to whether or not the information on it may or may not be recoverable

Ex. This raboom I have from my video hard drive is making me take anti-anxiety pills.

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nosencon

March 31st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

nosencon – adj. to not know anything about computers.  In particular, something like how to click-and-drag the computer mouse.

Ex. Everyone I work with is nosencon.  They need to get a fucking clue and learn how to use a fucking computer.

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sanuno

March 3rd, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

sanuno – n. a network-attached hard drive that always acts up

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WoW Chat #22440 davepoobond -> Sandychris

June 4th, 2012 Posted in Prank IMs, Stupid IMs Comments Off

In trade chat, Sandychris is selling expensive mounts and other stuff, so I say to her…

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davepoobond: 20k each

Sandychris: sorry only real money.:P

davepoobond: gold is real money

Sandychris: lol i mean$

davepoobond: yeah, $20k

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: thats what i wanna give you,,,,

Sandychris: sorry i dont wanna ur gold.:P

davepoobond: it is real gold

davepoobond: i just need a down payment to bring th gold into the country

Sandychris: i know, but we dont use it.:P

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: how?

davepoobond: i need it to pay the customs fees

davepoobond: but i will pay you back with the gold, cause its actual bullion

Sandychris: lol thanks

davepoobond: but i need these mounts

davepoobond: i told you i would pay you real gold money

Sandychris: i told u i only need $.:P

davepoobond: are you a girl

Sandychris: Yeah why

davepoobond: what is your cup size

Sandychris: what?

davepoobond: how big are your breasts

Sandychris: oh god

Sandychris: why do u know?

Sandychris: big enough

davepoobond: i want to know because i like boobs

Sandychris: ewww

davepoobond: what is so ew about that?

davepoobond: do you not like boobs?

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: are u married?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: are you?

Sandychris: no

Sandychris: i am younger than u

davepoobond: how old are you?

Sandychris: why dont u get married?

Sandychris: i am younger 10 years old then u.:P

davepoobond: i am trying to find a good woman

Sandychris: Nice

davepoobond: when do you want to get married

Sandychris: maybe 25 or 26.:)

davepoobond: can i ask you a question

Sandychris: sure

davepoobond: do you like butt sex

Sandychris: sure why?

davepoobond: i was just wondering

davepoobond: can i ask you another question

Sandychris: okay

davepoobond: will you marry me

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: i cant

davepoobond: why not?

davepoobond: you like everything i like

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: but i am not live in USA

davepoobond: details, my love

Sandychris: i am living in China,lol

davepoobond: that is ok

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: so, since we are getting married, you will be able to come to usa

Sandychris: lol never

davepoobond: do you like china?

Sandychris: sure

davepoobond: why

Sandychris: do u like USA?

davepoobond: yes

Sandychris: then my answer is same with u

davepoobond: but i am a citizen of the world, i can live anywhere i want to

davepoobond: if you will not come to me, i will go to you

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: are u a rich person?

davepoobond: yes, i have gold in many countries

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: how long is your tongue?

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: hello?

Sandychris: hello

davepoobond: what kind of activities do you like to do in your free time

Sandychris: nothing

davepoobond: do you know nancy?

davepoobond: i havent heard from her for a long time

Sandychris: who is Nancy?

davepoobond: she works in china doing the same thing you do

Sandychris: i dont know here

davepoobond: she got married

Sandychris: her

Sandychris: Yeah

davepoobond: and then another person, named danny said she was dead

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: which site does she from?

Sandychris: do u know ?

Sandychris: u can contact with her by livechat on her site

davepoobond: i think from susanexpress

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: did u buy gold or mount before?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: we were friends

Sandychris: i am not working for susanexpress.:P

davepoobond: i was so happy to hear she was getting married

Sandychris: lol nice

davepoobond: and then a week later someone said she was dead

Sandychris: lol so weird

davepoobond: i think it was because she was dealing drugs

Sandychris: ahh?

davepoobond: opium

Sandychris: horrible

davepoobond: but she was so nice.  she had to sit on a box and type on her computer

Sandychris: why sit on a box?

davepoobond: they did not allow them to have chairs

Sandychris: lol horrilbe

Sandychris: i cant believe

Sandychris: chinese boss is good and cent do like this

davepoobond: what is your favorite movie

Sandychris: why should i tell u?

Sandychris: Forest Gump

Sandychris: do u know?

davepoobond: yes, i know that movie

davepoobond: it is a good movie

davepoobond: what is your favorite part

Sandychris: do u love it ?

davepoobond: yes

Sandychris: every is good

davepoobond: why do you like it

Sandychris: not sure

-~-

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GeForce 256 GPU Box Art

May 25th, 2012 Posted in Pictures No Comments »

GeForce 256 GPU Box Art

So powerful.

-~-

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The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo

April 19th, 2012 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories No Comments »

One day there was a polar bear.  He had issues.  He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened.  His mom wasn’t that much better.  Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.

When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California.  He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs.  A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly.  It was a windy day.

It was the worst of times.  It was the best of times.  The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them.  He was soooo cool.  That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore.  His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money.  Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are.  He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.

Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together.  They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot.  Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together!  That’s crazy!  Right?!?!  I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!

So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey.  She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God.  How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.

The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves.  She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly!  The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.

The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen.  He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process.  He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska.  He wasn’t even USING them for the school!  He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit.  Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense.  This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.

President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi.  He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses.  He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them.  Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card.  Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there.  This man was as rude as they came.  How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.

President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business.  He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had.  He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans.  Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.

After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on.  He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet.  His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.

“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…”  The President said in between farts.

The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.

“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”

The President got up and put his towel back on.  He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.

“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”

An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly.  Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.

“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.

President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.

The next day…

“Have you seen my mommy??”  Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.

“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly.  It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.

Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.

Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come.  She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.

As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come.  Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!

Moral:  Don’t take more than you need.

-~-

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Quote #22191

March 29th, 2012 Posted in Quotes No Comments »

::davepoobond is sitting at a desk at work, using the computer::

::Armando picks up the phone::

Armando:  Dave, Megutron wants to talk to you.

davepoobond: To me?  About what?

Armando: I’ll transfer her to that phone.

::davepoobond picks up the phone::

::Megutron explains that the camera she is using is not recording audio.  davepoobond tells her he doesn’t know what it could be, since he never used the school’s cameras, and suggests it could be the heads not recording sound::

::Later… about 1.5 hours later::

::davepoobond goes out to where Megutron is filing and tells her to go to the menu settings and eventually he fixes the audio problem in like 2 minutes.  It wasn’t set to Audio In::

Megutron:  Agggh!  Fuck!  Oh my God!

- at davepoobond’s job, 6/26/07

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Quote #22184

March 29th, 2012 Posted in Quotes No Comments »

::davepoobond is filling up balloons::

::Vance is doing nothing, just walking around bitching about stuff but not actually helping with anything::

davepoobond: Vance, could you help me out and just hold this balloon  You don’t have to tie it or anything.

Vance: Nope!  Nope!  I don’t hold balloons!  I just do computer stuff.

davepoobond (thinking to himself): Lazy bastard.

- at davepoobond’s job, 6/13/07

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#22095: DonutLover -> davepoobond

January 16th, 2012 Posted in Chat Logs, Stupid IMs 2 Comments »

davepoobond is on a dating site… and then…

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DonutLover: hey

davepoobond: hi

davepoobond: how’s it going

DonutLover: slowly..tired but not sleepy…

DonutLover: hows your night going

davepoobond: not bad, just trying to waste the last couple of hours of the day before going to sleep

DonutLover: i hear ya

DonutLover: how has this site been for you

davepoobond: pretty crappy actually, dont really get many interactions from people

davepoobond: you’re the 2nd person to actually say more than 1 thing to me heh

davepoobond: how about for you

DonutLover: hah, same deal, i look through these profiles and mostly find myself thinking …why does he have his shirt off or what a retard…i know…harsh critic

davepoobond: i see nothing but variations of “please keep your shirt on” or stuff like that on girls profiles

DonutLover: haha..really

davepoobond: yeah, its getting kinda boring at this point. i dont see any girls without their shirts on, so i’m wondering what i’m missing

DonutLover: im pretty sure theres some sluty gals around….put some effort into looking davepoobond

davepoobond: hahah well that was a joke :P

DonutLover: “no”,,,,,”really”….?! lol

davepoobond: ;)

davepoobond: so whats your favorite kind of doughnut

DonutLover: Jelly filled…what about you

davepoobond: old-fashioned

davepoobond: as long as it doesnt taste like carrots

davepoobond: ive had one that tasted like carrots, it was very confusing

DonutLover: carrots?…were you high?

DonutLover: Kidding kidding

DonutLover: :)

davepoobond: no, it was the morning, so might as well have been

DonutLover: hahaha….

DonutLover: So…how was your monday

davepoobond: it was a normal monday i suppose. went to work and then came back home and watched some netflix

davepoobond: how about yours

DonutLover: well..didnt have to work..apparently its a presidents bday or something..but i did have to go fix some major paperwork mistakes i hid earlier in the week

DonutLover: what do you do for milk money kiddo

davepoobond: well uh Martin Luther King wasn’t a president, but i guess that’s close enough haha :P

DonutLover: im glad you get my sarcasm..o.0

davepoobond: just makin sure!

davepoobond: i do video editing for an investigations company and freelance video editing as well on the side

DonutLover: sounds….entertaining…..

DonutLover: dot dot dot..lol

davepoobond: very. i’ve always been good with computers, and i love to act smart about things people dont know about, and no one knows anything about video, so therein lies where i make money

davepoobond: and i can rub it in people’s faces too and its easier to act like i know what im doing

DonutLover: arent you charming…hah, i must say i am jealous of tech geeks…there so useful..them and wilderness firefighters..

davepoobond: are you around a lot of fires in the wilderness?

DonutLover: no..but i mean..knowing me..im pretty sure..itll happen

davepoobond: guess it’d be good to keep a pocket fire extinguisher then

DonutLover: they have those?

davepoobond: sure. imagination makes anything possible.

DonutLover: hmmmm….itd be less weight if i just brought a wilderness ff along though

davepoobond: but how would he fit in your pocket

DonutLover: obviously gamers dudes dont use logics much..eh davebond

DonutLover: id carry him on my back

DonutLover: dah

davepoobond: how long have you had a profile for

DonutLover: not sure..i made it along time ago.and havent been on in a while…

davepoobond: into any movies at all?

DonutLover: classics…what are you into

davepoobond: everything

DonutLover: agh…thats specific

davepoobond: i was a film major, so there isn’t a movie that i can’t or won’t watch

davepoobond: the absolute worst movie i have ever seen was Da Hip Hop Witch

davepoobond: and i almost turned it off it was so terrible

DonutLover: haha…awkward

DonutLover: why were you even watching it?

davepoobond: whats your favorite classic movie then

davepoobond: cause i heard Eminem was in it, and that it was supposed to be a parody of The Blair Witch Project

davepoobond: and i thought he was going to be going through the woods with some middle schoolers

davepoobond: but it was nothing like that at all

DonutLover: hahahaha…goodness….i like how that appeals to you..well my classics are not the norms of the designated, i just prefer black and whites, anything with spencer tracey and older war flics..

davepoobond: spencer tracey huh.

DonutLover: for some reason i have no interest in modern comedy..like those bachlor films

DonutLover: tracy gable wayne..i know im a patriot

davepoobond: touch of evil and philadelphia are a couple of ones ive seen that i like

davepoobond: citizen kane until the end was great. i thought the ending was dumb

DonutLover: ive never seen citizen kane

DonutLover: what happens at the ending

davepoobond: geez i cant spoil the ending for you

davepoobond: there’d be no point in watching it

DonutLover: exactly

DonutLover: help a stranger out

DonutLover: odds are….youll enjoy it

davepoobond: enjoy what?

davepoobond: spoiling a movie?

DonutLover: haha….fine ill google it

DonutLover: goodness

davepoobond: at least im not the catalyst

DonutLover: you and your big words

davepoobond: indubitably

DonutLover: i concure

DonutLover: cure

DonutLover: hah

davepoobond: making up words now? awkward

DonutLover: awkwardly awesome

davepoobond: that was actually an inside joke.

davepoobond: cause i’ve made about oh i dont know… 6000 words

DonutLover: and how far has that got ya craphead

davepoobond: i dont know, ill let you know when it gets me somewhere

DonutLover: haha…so i guess well never know then

davepoobond: i found this one girl’s profile where she says she wouldnt mind sleeping on a grave for a first date

DonutLover: shes a keeper

-

She leaves the chat. Apparently she wasn’t very interested.

-~-

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CrazE-mail #22084

January 7th, 2012 Posted in Chat Logs, CrazE-mails 1 Comment »

I have a Craigslist posting that I can help people with quick computer problems or troubleshooting something, with a more software-inclination, rather than hardware.  I don’t get any responses to it, but I did get the following.

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from:  Sweetandfun
date:  Fri, Sep 2, 2011 at 8:19 PM
subject:  Quick Computer Troubleshooting/Help

Hello I need help!!! Can u help me wipe out some old stuff on google please give me a call im Sweetandfun <insert phone number here>

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from:  davepoobond
date:  Fri, Sep 9, 2011 at 9:14 PM
subject:  Re: Quick Computer Troubleshooting/Help

I’m afraid that is outside of the scope of my power. The only way to remove search results on Google is by removing the items on the originating web site. Once they are removed, then it will take a couple of days or more for Google to clear it out of its search results.

Hope that helps you.

-~-

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Cashier Lesson – Using the Computer

August 2nd, 2011 Posted in Guides No Comments »

This entry is part 5 of 5 in the series Cashier Lessons

The computer is a resource that is used in everyday operation as a customer service representative.  We say it is to help customers and to manage day-to-day operations of the cashier department, however we know that is only 25% of its use.  Keeping up to date on fashion trends and celebrity gossip is tantamount to doing any actual “work” on the vestige known as the computer at the customer service desk.

How to Avoid Helping Customers

Furiously typing away at a computer makes it seem like you are very very very busy when in fact you’re not.  Just don’t make eye contact and they’ll probably move on to the next register.

How to Avoid Helping Underlings

There are several folders on the desktop at your disposal to get those pesky cashiers off your back.  It’s not your fault that they used the last copy of the availability form that had a big “ORIGINAL” written across it — oh no.  But it certainly becomes your problem when cashiers are biting at your ankles and looking at you with dumb stares with their hand half-way inside of an empty folder wondering how to get what they need.

Just tell them “I’ll get it later.”  Then never get it.  That way someone else can do it and you don’t have to worry about shit.  If it is important enough they’ll figure out a way to get it.

How to Deflect E-mail

If you feel so inclined to check the E-mail inbox, there are a number of things you could do.  You could help each customer, but why would you do that when you could have someone else do it for you?  Simply forward it all to the applicable managers and they can sort it out.  Or why even do that?  Forward it all to your supervisor and have him deal with it.  You don’t get paid enough to deal with stupid bull shit.

Hell, just delete it all while you’re at it.  No one needs the stupid bullshit customers spout in their stupid e-mails, after all.

How to Hide What You Are Doing

Sometimes it may not be inconspicuous when one of those assholes from the corporation come by and walk through the store and wonder why there are people in line at a register or why a cashier is standing around doing nothing (there’s never a happy medium with these guys).  Always keep a blank, open tab and switch to it whenever you see someone that may get you into trouble walk by.

-~-

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cyber sex

July 17th, 2011 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

cyber sex – n. a sexual encounter or sexual relations between two people via computer connection

-~-

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