Q: What were the two talkative computers doing?
A: They were having a disc-cussion.
Q: What were the two talkative computers doing?
A: They were having a disc-cussion.
I wrote this in 7th grade.
If I had only three days of sight left on the first I would want to start learning Braille (Braille would be in place of school), at least I would be 3 days closer to learning how to read Braille. After that I would play video games and computer games for an hour. Then I will look at my family and try to remember what their faces look like then I would go to bed.
On the second day I would get up at 5:00 AM and play video games and computer games until it was time for me to learn Braille for six hours then I would go outside and look at the trees, the sky, the cloud, the little dog running up to me like it was attacking me then I would go inside and play video games and computer games for two hours then I would look at my family’s faces then I would stay up all night and watch TV.
On the third day I will watch TV, play video games, and computer games until it was time to learn Braille then after that I would look at my house from the outside, then I would look at my family’s faces then go to bed and hope sometime during my life we will have the technology to have eye transplants.
delasel – n. something that decides to password-protect itself by no intention of anyone but itself
Ex. My hard drive decided to go delasel on me today and now I can’t access it. I didn’t even set a password!
raboom – n. the emotional and possibly physical impact an important hard drive makes on you when you realize it broke and there is uncertainty as to whether or not the information on it may or may not be recoverable
Ex. This raboom I have from my video hard drive is making me take anti-anxiety pills.
nosencon – adj. to not know anything about computers. In particular, something like how to click-and-drag the computer mouse.
Ex. Everyone I work with is nosencon. They need to get a fucking clue and learn how to use a fucking computer.
In trade chat, Sandychris is selling expensive mounts and other stuff, so I say to her…
davepoobond: 20k each
Sandychris: sorry only real money.:P
davepoobond: gold is real money
Sandychris: lol i mean$
davepoobond: yeah, $20k
davepoobond: thats what i wanna give you,,,,
Sandychris: sorry i dont wanna ur gold.:P
davepoobond: it is real gold
davepoobond: i just need a down payment to bring th gold into the country
Sandychris: i know, but we dont use it.:P
davepoobond: i need it to pay the customs fees
davepoobond: but i will pay you back with the gold, cause its actual bullion
Sandychris: lol thanks
davepoobond: but i need these mounts
davepoobond: i told you i would pay you real gold money
Sandychris: i told u i only need $.:P
davepoobond: are you a girl
Sandychris: Yeah why
davepoobond: what is your cup size
davepoobond: how big are your breasts
Sandychris: oh god
Sandychris: why do u know?
Sandychris: big enough
davepoobond: i want to know because i like boobs
davepoobond: what is so ew about that?
davepoobond: do you not like boobs?
Sandychris: are u married?
davepoobond: are you?
Sandychris: i am younger than u
davepoobond: how old are you?
Sandychris: why dont u get married?
Sandychris: i am younger 10 years old then u.:P
davepoobond: i am trying to find a good woman
davepoobond: when do you want to get married
Sandychris: maybe 25 or 26.:)
davepoobond: can i ask you a question
davepoobond: do you like butt sex
Sandychris: sure why?
davepoobond: i was just wondering
davepoobond: can i ask you another question
davepoobond: will you marry me
Sandychris: i cant
davepoobond: why not?
davepoobond: you like everything i like
Sandychris: but i am not live in USA
davepoobond: details, my love
Sandychris: i am living in China,lol
davepoobond: that is ok
davepoobond: so, since we are getting married, you will be able to come to usa
Sandychris: lol never
davepoobond: do you like china?
Sandychris: do u like USA?
Sandychris: then my answer is same with u
davepoobond: but i am a citizen of the world, i can live anywhere i want to
davepoobond: if you will not come to me, i will go to you
Sandychris: are u a rich person?
davepoobond: yes, i have gold in many countries
davepoobond: how long is your tongue?
davepoobond: what kind of activities do you like to do in your free time
davepoobond: do you know nancy?
davepoobond: i havent heard from her for a long time
Sandychris: who is Nancy?
davepoobond: she works in china doing the same thing you do
Sandychris: i dont know here
davepoobond: she got married
davepoobond: and then another person, named danny said she was dead
Sandychris: which site does she from?
Sandychris: do u know ?
Sandychris: u can contact with her by livechat on her site
davepoobond: i think from susanexpress
Sandychris: did u buy gold or mount before?
davepoobond: we were friends
Sandychris: i am not working for susanexpress.:P
davepoobond: i was so happy to hear she was getting married
Sandychris: lol nice
davepoobond: and then a week later someone said she was dead
Sandychris: lol so weird
davepoobond: i think it was because she was dealing drugs
davepoobond: but she was so nice. she had to sit on a box and type on her computer
Sandychris: why sit on a box?
davepoobond: they did not allow them to have chairs
Sandychris: lol horrilbe
Sandychris: i cant believe
Sandychris: chinese boss is good and cent do like this
davepoobond: what is your favorite movie
Sandychris: why should i tell u?
Sandychris: Forest Gump
Sandychris: do u know?
davepoobond: yes, i know that movie
davepoobond: it is a good movie
davepoobond: what is your favorite part
Sandychris: do u love it ?
Sandychris: every is good
davepoobond: why do you like it
Sandychris: not sure
One day there was a polar bear. He had issues. He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened. His mom wasn’t that much better. Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.
When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California. He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs. A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly. It was a windy day.
It was the worst of times. It was the best of times. The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them. He was soooo cool. That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore. His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money. Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are. He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.
Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together. They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot. Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together! That’s crazy! Right?!?! I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!
So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey. She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God. How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.
The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves. She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly! The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.
The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen. He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process. He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska. He wasn’t even USING them for the school! He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit. Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense. This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.
President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi. He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses. He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them. Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card. Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there. This man was as rude as they came. How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.
President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business. He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had. He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans. Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.
After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on. He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet. His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.
“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…” The President said in between farts.
The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.
“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”
The President got up and put his towel back on. He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.
“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”
An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly. Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.
“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.
President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”
President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.
The next day…
“Have you seen my mommy??” Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.
“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.
President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly. It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.
Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.
Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come. She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.
As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come. Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!
Moral: Don’t take more than you need.
::davepoobond is sitting at a desk at work, using the computer::
::Armando picks up the phone::
Armando: Dave, Megutron wants to talk to you.
davepoobond: To me? About what?
Armando: I’ll transfer her to that phone.
::davepoobond picks up the phone::
::Megutron explains that the camera she is using is not recording audio. davepoobond tells her he doesn’t know what it could be, since he never used the school’s cameras, and suggests it could be the heads not recording sound::
::Later… about 1.5 hours later::
::davepoobond goes out to where Megutron is filing and tells her to go to the menu settings and eventually he fixes the audio problem in like 2 minutes. It wasn’t set to Audio In::
Megutron: Agggh! Fuck! Oh my God!
- at davepoobond’s job, 6/26/07
::davepoobond is filling up balloons::
::Vance is doing nothing, just walking around bitching about stuff but not actually helping with anything::
davepoobond: Vance, could you help me out and just hold this balloon You don’t have to tie it or anything.
Vance: Nope! Nope! I don’t hold balloons! I just do computer stuff.
davepoobond (thinking to himself): Lazy bastard.
- at davepoobond’s job, 6/13/07
davepoobond is on a dating site… and then…
davepoobond: how’s it going
DonutLover: slowly..tired but not sleepy…
DonutLover: hows your night going
davepoobond: not bad, just trying to waste the last couple of hours of the day before going to sleep
DonutLover: i hear ya
DonutLover: how has this site been for you
davepoobond: pretty crappy actually, dont really get many interactions from people
davepoobond: you’re the 2nd person to actually say more than 1 thing to me heh
davepoobond: how about for you
DonutLover: hah, same deal, i look through these profiles and mostly find myself thinking …why does he have his shirt off or what a retard…i know…harsh critic
davepoobond: i see nothing but variations of “please keep your shirt on” or stuff like that on girls profiles
davepoobond: yeah, its getting kinda boring at this point. i dont see any girls without their shirts on, so i’m wondering what i’m missing
DonutLover: im pretty sure theres some sluty gals around….put some effort into looking davepoobond
davepoobond: hahah well that was a joke :P
DonutLover: “no”,,,,,”really”….?! lol
davepoobond: so whats your favorite kind of doughnut
DonutLover: Jelly filled…what about you
davepoobond: as long as it doesnt taste like carrots
davepoobond: ive had one that tasted like carrots, it was very confusing
DonutLover: carrots?…were you high?
DonutLover: Kidding kidding
davepoobond: no, it was the morning, so might as well have been
DonutLover: So…how was your monday
davepoobond: it was a normal monday i suppose. went to work and then came back home and watched some netflix
davepoobond: how about yours
DonutLover: well..didnt have to work..apparently its a presidents bday or something..but i did have to go fix some major paperwork mistakes i hid earlier in the week
DonutLover: what do you do for milk money kiddo
davepoobond: well uh Martin Luther King wasn’t a president, but i guess that’s close enough haha :P
DonutLover: im glad you get my sarcasm..o.0
davepoobond: just makin sure!
davepoobond: i do video editing for an investigations company and freelance video editing as well on the side
DonutLover: dot dot dot..lol
davepoobond: very. i’ve always been good with computers, and i love to act smart about things people dont know about, and no one knows anything about video, so therein lies where i make money
davepoobond: and i can rub it in people’s faces too and its easier to act like i know what im doing
DonutLover: arent you charming…hah, i must say i am jealous of tech geeks…there so useful..them and wilderness firefighters..
davepoobond: are you around a lot of fires in the wilderness?
DonutLover: no..but i mean..knowing me..im pretty sure..itll happen
davepoobond: guess it’d be good to keep a pocket fire extinguisher then
DonutLover: they have those?
davepoobond: sure. imagination makes anything possible.
DonutLover: hmmmm….itd be less weight if i just brought a wilderness ff along though
davepoobond: but how would he fit in your pocket
DonutLover: obviously gamers dudes dont use logics much..eh davebond
DonutLover: id carry him on my back
davepoobond: how long have you had a profile for
DonutLover: not sure..i made it along time ago.and havent been on in a while…
davepoobond: into any movies at all?
DonutLover: classics…what are you into
DonutLover: agh…thats specific
davepoobond: i was a film major, so there isn’t a movie that i can’t or won’t watch
davepoobond: the absolute worst movie i have ever seen was Da Hip Hop Witch
davepoobond: and i almost turned it off it was so terrible
DonutLover: why were you even watching it?
davepoobond: whats your favorite classic movie then
davepoobond: cause i heard Eminem was in it, and that it was supposed to be a parody of The Blair Witch Project
davepoobond: and i thought he was going to be going through the woods with some middle schoolers
davepoobond: but it was nothing like that at all
DonutLover: hahahaha…goodness….i like how that appeals to you..well my classics are not the norms of the designated, i just prefer black and whites, anything with spencer tracey and older war flics..
davepoobond: spencer tracey huh.
DonutLover: for some reason i have no interest in modern comedy..like those bachlor films
DonutLover: tracy gable wayne..i know im a patriot
davepoobond: touch of evil and philadelphia are a couple of ones ive seen that i like
davepoobond: citizen kane until the end was great. i thought the ending was dumb
DonutLover: ive never seen citizen kane
DonutLover: what happens at the ending
davepoobond: geez i cant spoil the ending for you
davepoobond: there’d be no point in watching it
DonutLover: help a stranger out
DonutLover: odds are….youll enjoy it
davepoobond: enjoy what?
davepoobond: spoiling a movie?
DonutLover: haha….fine ill google it
davepoobond: at least im not the catalyst
DonutLover: you and your big words
DonutLover: i concure
davepoobond: making up words now? awkward
DonutLover: awkwardly awesome
davepoobond: that was actually an inside joke.
davepoobond: cause i’ve made about oh i dont know… 6000 words
DonutLover: and how far has that got ya craphead
davepoobond: i dont know, ill let you know when it gets me somewhere
DonutLover: haha…so i guess well never know then
davepoobond: i found this one girl’s profile where she says she wouldnt mind sleeping on a grave for a first date
DonutLover: shes a keeper
She leaves the chat. Apparently she wasn’t very interested.
I have a Craigslist posting that I can help people with quick computer problems or troubleshooting something, with a more software-inclination, rather than hardware. I don’t get any responses to it, but I did get the following.
|date:||Fri, Sep 2, 2011 at 8:19 PM|
|subject:||Quick Computer Troubleshooting/Help|
Hello I need help!!! Can u help me wipe out some old stuff on google please give me a call im Sweetandfun <insert phone number here>
|date:||Fri, Sep 9, 2011 at 9:14 PM|
|subject:||Re: Quick Computer Troubleshooting/Help|
I’m afraid that is outside of the scope of my power. The only way to remove search results on Google is by removing the items on the originating web site. Once they are removed, then it will take a couple of days or more for Google to clear it out of its search results.
Hope that helps you.
Tagged People: Sweetandfun
The computer is a resource that is used in everyday operation as a customer service representative. We say it is to help customers and to manage day-to-day operations of the cashier department, however we know that is only 25% of its use. Keeping up to date on fashion trends and celebrity gossip is tantamount to doing any actual “work” on the vestige known as the computer at the customer service desk.
How to Avoid Helping Customers
Furiously typing away at a computer makes it seem like you are very very very busy when in fact you’re not. Just don’t make eye contact and they’ll probably move on to the next register.
How to Avoid Helping Underlings
There are several folders on the desktop at your disposal to get those pesky cashiers off your back. It’s not your fault that they used the last copy of the availability form that had a big “ORIGINAL” written across it — oh no. But it certainly becomes your problem when cashiers are biting at your ankles and looking at you with dumb stares with their hand half-way inside of an empty folder wondering how to get what they need.
Just tell them “I’ll get it later.” Then never get it. That way someone else can do it and you don’t have to worry about shit. If it is important enough they’ll figure out a way to get it.
How to Deflect E-mail
If you feel so inclined to check the E-mail inbox, there are a number of things you could do. You could help each customer, but why would you do that when you could have someone else do it for you? Simply forward it all to the applicable managers and they can sort it out. Or why even do that? Forward it all to your supervisor and have him deal with it. You don’t get paid enough to deal with stupid bull shit.
Hell, just delete it all while you’re at it. No one needs the stupid bullshit customers spout in their stupid e-mails, after all.
How to Hide What You Are Doing
Sometimes it may not be inconspicuous when one of those assholes from the corporation come by and walk through the store and wonder why there are people in line at a register or why a cashier is standing around doing nothing (there’s never a happy medium with these guys). Always keep a blank, open tab and switch to it whenever you see someone that may get you into trouble walk by.
cyber sex – n. a sexual encounter or sexual relations between two people via computer connection