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The Coffee Fires

April 23rd, 2015 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories No Comments »

There once was a man who became an arsonist.  Orson the Arson was a coffee-drinking fiend and would take caffeine pills by the handful before going to work in the morning.  He worked at a coffee shop in Los Angeles.  The traffic in the morning was pretty boring to sit through, as you could imagine, and for every five minutes he was stuck, he would take an extra caffeine pill.  All in all, he pretty much ingested 100 caffeine pills a day before going into work and drinking The Canoe of Coffee, the specialty drink of the coffee shop Canoe Coffee.  It was literally a canoe filled with coffee.

At Canoe Coffee, there were many other caffeine addicts who lazed about all day, drinking a Canoe of Coffee.  When a caffeine spike kicked in, the customers were regulated into the Rumpus Room where they could swing from trees, canoe down a fake river, and battle mechanical tigers and lions.  There was one time when Tiger 89 malfunctioned and almost gnawed off a customer’s leg, but since they signed a waiver saying anything that may happen in the Rumpus Room stays in the Rumpus Room, they were trapped in the Rumpus Room forever!!!  It was like a jail, but everyone got to point and laugh at the delegged customer who was renamed Deleggy the Legs.

Deleggy the Legs was given a desk and a computer so that she may browse the internet.  She had a wireless mouse and it wouldn’t work so she called the front desk and asked for a corded mouse.  Unluckily for her, it was Orson the Arson who picked up the phone.

“DELEGGY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT A CORDED MOUSE IS, LEAVE ME ALONE.  I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TECHNOLOGY I BARELY KNOW HOW TO USE THIS PHONE.” Orson screamed at Deleggy.

Orson hung up the phone, and that was that.

Across the street, Canoe Coffee’s competitor Kayak Coffee served the Kayak of Coffee, which was literally a kayak full of coffee.  They were having their “buy one for the price of three sale.”  Kayak Coffee’s marketing of their event was pounding Canoe Coffee’s sales the whole week and they were falling behind, as they do every year around this time.

Stan Jinjam, the owner of Canoe Coffee, devised a plan to take care of Kayak Coffee once and for all.  He would replace all the coffee at Canoe Coffee with Green Tea!  Green Tea was super disgusting and no one likes it.  Canoe Coffee would go out of business in a day!

It was around that time that Jenny Sanzdfit, owner of Kayak Coffee, devised her own plan to put Kayak Coffee out of business – replacing all of their coffee with melted butter.  Canoe Coffee would go out of business in less than 3 hours!

Orson the Arson had other plans, though.  He couldn’t work somewhere for very long without burning it down, since he was insane like that.  Canoe Coffee and Kayak Coffee would both be good targets considering they would probably blame each other for the mess he created.  It was the perfect plan, especially since they were both planning on destroying the others’ business to begin with.

That was the day when The Three Leaf Clover Gang made their move into the coffee industry.  The Three Leaf Clover Gang was pushed out of the hard drug business by rising prices on gasoline, and they just couldn’t afford to keep their cocaine supply chain AND pay for gas for all their cronies.

In the middle of the night, behind Kayak Coffee, Orson was dumping gas on the persimmon trees that would start the fire.  On the other side of the building, Jake “Kidney Stone” Marauder was placing explosives.  He had already wired Canoe Coffee and was planning on blowing them both up at the same time.  Little did either know of the other’s plans until they bumped their backs into each other.

“Who are you!?” Jake yelled as he placed his hand on his pistol.

“Who am I?  WHO ARE YOU??” Orson screeched in his high-pitched caffeine voice.  Orson was waving his gas can around in the air.

“What are you doing with that can of gas?”

“What are YOU doing with those explosives?”

“I’m burning this joint down, I’m an arsonist!”

“I’m blowing this joint up, I’m a mobster!”

Orson was very confused.  “A mobster?  Look buddy, this is my score.  I need to see something burn, and soon, and your explosives are going to get in the way of my basking in the heat of fire.”

“Your score?  This is our turf, we’re moving in, buddy!  If anyone’s going to destroy these coffee places it’s gonna be us!  We need to make a statement!” Jake poked Orson with his finger.

Orson flipped out when Jake poked him and grabbed it in his hand and then bit it.

“AHHHH!  YOU BIT ME YOU SON OF A MOTHER!!!”  Jake screamed.

Orson hissed at Jake and ran around behind the tree, swallowing even more caffeine pills.

Jake pulled out his gun and started blasting away at the tree.  Persimmon juice started splattering everywhere as the tree was riddled with gunshots.

Orson reached into one of his pockets and began to throw caffeine pills at Jake while swallowing another handful.

“What the hell is this stuff!?” Jake smacked as many of the random raining pills away as he could.  Orson quickly jumped into the tree, came down onto Jake, and began scratching him after they both crash-landed on the floor.  They were showered with persimmon juice and caffeine pills as and rolling around on the ground.

“I’ll show you why they call me ‘Kidney Stone,’ you freak!” Jake grunted during the exchange.

Jake grabbed a stone off the ground and started smashing it into Orson’s kidneys.

“WAAAHHHHH!!!” Orson winced in pain as packages of caffeine pills exploded out of his pockets after being hit in the kidneys a couple of times.

“HOW MANY PILLS DO YOU HAVE???  THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!” Jake got up and backed away from Orson.

Orson crawled on the ground towards one of the loose bottles of caffeine pills.  He was eating pills along the way as fast as he could.

Jake took out the detonator and started to back up again towards the persimmon tree.  “Ok, kiddo.  I didn’t want to kill anybody, but I’m going to put you out of your misery.  Your caffeine addiction is absolutely ridiculous.”

“I can quit if I want to.”  Orson slowly said as his real plan was coming to fruition.

“Yeah, that’s what they all say, but we all know that…” Jake began, but was interrupted by being lit on fire.

While Orson was behind the persimmon tree, he placed a fuse on the ground which lit up the persimmon tree — and Jake “Kidney Stone” Marauder.

A good five minutes of burning corpse later, Orson was still picking up caffeine pills off the floor, swallowing one for every three he picked up.

The Twin Brothers McGee, Lefty “Left” McGee and Righty “Other Left” McGee came out of the car to see what was holding up Jake.  To their astonishment, they saw Jake; dead and burned to a crisp with the detonator still in his hand, and Orson on the ground picking up large white pills that were littered all over the ground.

Lefty and Righty looked at each other and stared at Jake and Orson in equal amounts.  Orson paid no attention to the mobsters and kept picking up his pills in frantic fashion.

Lefty pointed to Orson.  “Did this guy burn Jake?”

Righty pointed to Jake.  “Well he wouldn’t burn himself!  …would he?”

Lefty went over and grabbed Orson by the collar.  “Hey man, who are you, what are you—“

Before Lefty could finish his stereotypically inquisitive line of questioning given the situation, Orson freaked out and began throwing caffeine pills into his mouth and then threw some at Lefty.

“HEY MAN!  CALM DOWN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

A swift kick to the balls from Orson was all that was needed to subdue Lefty and have him release his collar.  Lefty yelled, “MY LEFTY!” and fell to the ground and passing out.

Righty, equipped his trademarked Left-Handed brass knuckle (his brother, Lefty, had a Right-Handed brass knuckle and was right-handed, too, as opposed to Righty who was left-handed) and swung at Orson the Arson.

Orson’s face got smashed and he fell to the ground into a pile of caffeine pills.  Orson’s mouth became a vacuum and he sucked them all up.

Righty was getting ready to beat Orson a little bit more, and maybe marinate him for cooking, when Orson got a caffeine spike.  When Orson gets a caffeine spike, he begins to get crazy.  If you thought he was crazy before, you should see what happens when a crazy person goes crazy in relative terms.

Orson took a match out of his coat and took a swig from a flask full of gas.  He turned around, lit the match, and sprayed the gas onto the match, lighting up Righty.  Righty ran around and then fell to the ground after inhaling flames.  He was soon burned on the floor.  Orson removed another container of gas from his pocket and dumped it on Lefty, who was barely conscious on the floor.

Orson’s maniacally caffeinated smile filled his face as he lit another match.

Out of nowhere, from the distance, the mobster sharpshooter Langdon “The Big Sleeper” Cranson shot the match out of Orson’s hand.  It flew into the air and as Orson turned around, the match landed only a couple inches away from Lefty.

Orson was caught off guard by the gunman.  “The Big Sleeper” got his name not from being able to shoot very well but the fact that he is a fat guy and sleeps a lot.  He was a mobster, after all, not in the military or even a local police force.  He was classified as a sharpshooter because he could actually hit something when he’s shooting, unlike everyone else in the Three Leaf Clover Gang that likes to just spray bullets everywhere.

The Big Sleeper lumbered forward as he tried to make his way up the incline towards Orson and the rest of the burning bodies.  Orson spat out the caffeine pills in his mouth.  As they flooded out of his mouth in an endless stream, Orson began a high-pitched yell as he reached a psychotic high from the caffeine.  The Big Sleeper, tired from having to shuffle at a fast pace for about ten steps, stopped dead in his tracks as he saw the flood of pills coming out of Orson’s mouth.

“Oh, no.  I ain’t paid to deal with junkies no more.  We are in the coffee business, now, not doing this no more.  No more.” The Big Sleeper made a U-Turn and started shuffling away from Orson, occasionally looking back and trying to take a shot at him with his handgun with a scope on it.  However, he completely missed every time because the angle of his large body didn’t allow for him to shoot directly behind him.  Instead of shooting in the direction where Orson was, he shot to the sides, where innocent Persimmon trees became victim to bullets.

Orson jumped into the air, his hands and feet somehow lit on fire and he grabbed a hold to the back of The Big Sleeper.  The Big Sleeper yelled in pain as he fell to the ground and rolled around on the floor.  Orson didn’t hold on for long since the rotund man rolled faster and faster down the five foot incline.  Orson remained on the floor, crawling in a slithering manner towards The Big Sleeper who was laying in the middle of the road with his huge belly up.

“I have a Fascination for Fire…” Orson said as he slithered toward The Big Sleeper.

The Big Sleeper, unable to move, could only watch as the menacing arson made his slow crawl toward him.  His gun lay just out of his reach.

“AND I MUST BURNNNNN YOUUU!!!” Orson screeched as he scrounged on the ground toward The Big Sleeper.

“NOOOOOO”

Gun shots and the sound of flames erupted as the two coffee houses exploded.  The Big Sleeper’s voice echoed into the night, but was soon masked by the explosion and fires.

“YESSSSSS!!!!!” Orson rose up from the ground as the energy from the fires invigorated him.

“It has been 600 years, but I have finally burned enough coffee-related structures to return to my true form!!”  Orson’s skin began to turn to scales and large claws began to form on his hands.  In a blast of stanky air and caffeine pills, Coffee Breath the Dragon has been renewed!

At that instant, 40 more members of the Three Leaf Clover Gang trooped down the street in the middle of the burning commercial complex.  They had heard of the atrocities that happened to their special forces and came to deal with the “issue.”

Johnny “Funny Man” Toofonny unsheathed his sledgehammer from its holster and pointed it to the roaring dragon.

“This dragon killed Jake, Righty, Lefty, and Langdon!  Let’s get him!”

At the same time, all forty of the henchmen began shooting with their submachine guns at the large dragon.  Every bullet bounced off the dragon’s shiny scales as he came close to the group of henchman.  With a swipe, five henchmen flew into the air towards Canoe Coffee.   The large canoe on top of the building had been filled with melted butter, and the flying henchmen knocked it loose, spilling a flood of melted butter into the street where the other henchmen were.

Another swipe from Coffee Breath and this time henchman hit the kayak on top of Kayak Coffee.  The kayak had been filled with green tea, and came pouring down into the street along with the melted butter.

Unknown to anyone in the world before this day, the mixture of melted butter and green tea created a concoction that had more energy in it than rocket fuel, and the gun powder residue from the firing machine guns hit the fumes created by the Melted Butter Green Tea Rocket Fuel, or MBGTRF for short.  Everyone was lit on fire in a magical-looking green fire with yellow streaks.

 

All that was left of the Three Leaf Clover Gang in the area was Johnny Toofonny.  He watched in horror as all of his friends burned in the magical green fire.  Coffee Breath walked up behind him and grabbed Johnny by the head.  He crushed him with his claws, throwing away the remains into the pile of burning corpses that were once his friends.

Coffee Breath began to flap his wings, and as he gained height, the MBGTRF energy began to swirl around him.  It began to swirl fast enough that it turned Coffee Breath into the fastest dragon in the world and he disappeared in a streak of melted butter and green tea.

After the dust had settled, Deleggy the Legs emerged from the rubble.

 

“FREEDOOOOMMMM!!!”

 

The next day, both of the owners of Kayak Coffee and Canoe Coffee were sued for conspiracy of false imprisonment.  It turned out Kayak Coffee and Canoe Coffee were conspiring to create insurance fraud for sabotaging each other’s companys and forcing people to harvest coffee beans in their underground jungle lair.  Even though their buildings were blown up by gangsters and a dragon, their underground jungle lair became the only focus.

 

Moral of the story:  Don’t trust news sources, they leave out the whole story.

-~-

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Odin Shops Web Site Commercial

April 6th, 2015 Posted in Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company No Comments »

(Don is on a computer)

Johnathon Huxworthy:  Hey don, whatcha doin on that there computer?

Don: Playing minesweeper.

Johnathon Huxworthy: You know what you could be doing?

Don: No, what?

Johnathon Huxworthy: Going to Odinshops.com and buying lots of CSU Asgard gear!

Don: Why would I want to do that?

Johnathon Huxworthy: Because its easy and convenient and it has a great selection!

Don: Do you get paid for this?

Johnathon Huxworthy: Not yet.

(Johnathon Huxworthy looks at camera)

Johnathon Huxworthy: Pay me!!!!

-~-

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mimara

March 5th, 2015 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

mimara – n. a web site dedicated to distributing “sexy Korean women” wallpaper for your computer’s desktop or house’s walls

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cialba

March 5th, 2015 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

cialba – n. a computer that can identify chipotle ranch sauce

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ados

March 5th, 2015 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

ados – v. to pour your drink on a laptop being used in a rude fashion

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pasne

March 5th, 2015 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

pasne – v. to rudely listen to crap on your laptop without headphones in a public crowded place

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Joke #23416

August 29th, 2013 Posted in (F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes No Comments »

Q: What were the two talkative computers doing?

A: They were having a disc-cussion.

-~-

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Going Blind

May 18th, 2013 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

I wrote this in 7th grade.

If I had only three days of sight left on the first I would want to start learning Braille (Braille would be in place of school), at least I would be 3 days closer to learning how to read Braille. After that I would play video games and computer games for an hour. Then I will look at my family and try to remember what their faces look like then I would go to bed.

On the second day I would get up at 5:00 AM and play video games and computer games until it was time for me to learn Braille for six hours then I would go outside and look at the trees, the sky, the cloud, the little dog running up to me like it was attacking me then I would go inside and play video games and computer games for two hours then I would look at my family’s faces then I would stay up all night and watch TV.

On the third day I will watch TV, play video games, and computer games until it was time to learn Braille then after that I would look at my house from the outside, then I would look at my family’s faces then go to bed and hope sometime during my life we will have the technology to have eye transplants.

-~-

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delasel

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

delasel – n. something that decides to password-protect itself by no intention of anyone but itself

Ex. My hard drive decided to go delasel on me today and now I can’t access it.  I didn’t even set a password!

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raboom

April 7th, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

raboom – n. the emotional and possibly physical impact an important hard drive makes on you when you realize it broke and there is uncertainty as to whether or not the information on it may or may not be recoverable

Ex. This raboom I have from my video hard drive is making me take anti-anxiety pills.

-~-

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nosencon

March 31st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

nosencon – adj. to not know anything about computers.  In particular, something like how to click-and-drag the computer mouse.

Ex. Everyone I work with is nosencon.  They need to get a fucking clue and learn how to use a fucking computer.

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sanuno

March 3rd, 2013 Posted in Dictionary No Comments »

sanuno – n. a network-attached hard drive that always acts up

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WoW Chat #22440 davepoobond -> Sandychris

June 4th, 2012 Posted in Prank IMs, Stupid IMs Comments Off

In trade chat, Sandychris is selling expensive mounts and other stuff, so I say to her…

davepoobond: 20k each

Sandychris: sorry only real money.:P

davepoobond: gold is real money

Sandychris: lol i mean$

davepoobond: yeah, $20k

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: thats what i wanna give you,,,,

Sandychris: sorry i dont wanna ur gold.:P

davepoobond: it is real gold

davepoobond: i just need a down payment to bring th gold into the country

Sandychris: i know, but we dont use it.:P

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: how?

davepoobond: i need it to pay the customs fees

davepoobond: but i will pay you back with the gold, cause its actual bullion

Sandychris: lol thanks

davepoobond: but i need these mounts

davepoobond: i told you i would pay you real gold money

Sandychris: i told u i only need $.:P

davepoobond: are you a girl

Sandychris: Yeah why

davepoobond: what is your cup size

Sandychris: what?

davepoobond: how big are your breasts

Sandychris: oh god

Sandychris: why do u know?

Sandychris: big enough

davepoobond: i want to know because i like boobs

Sandychris: ewww

davepoobond: what is so ew about that?

davepoobond: do you not like boobs?

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: are u married?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: are you?

Sandychris: no

Sandychris: i am younger than u

davepoobond: how old are you?

Sandychris: why dont u get married?

Sandychris: i am younger 10 years old then u.:P

davepoobond: i am trying to find a good woman

Sandychris: Nice

davepoobond: when do you want to get married

Sandychris: maybe 25 or 26.:)

davepoobond: can i ask you a question

Sandychris: sure

davepoobond: do you like butt sex

Sandychris: sure why?

davepoobond: i was just wondering

davepoobond: can i ask you another question

Sandychris: okay

davepoobond: will you marry me

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: i cant

davepoobond: why not?

davepoobond: you like everything i like

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: but i am not live in USA

davepoobond: details, my love

Sandychris: i am living in China,lol

davepoobond: that is ok

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: so, since we are getting married, you will be able to come to usa

Sandychris: lol never

davepoobond: do you like china?

Sandychris: sure

davepoobond: why

Sandychris: do u like USA?

davepoobond: yes

Sandychris: then my answer is same with u

davepoobond: but i am a citizen of the world, i can live anywhere i want to

davepoobond: if you will not come to me, i will go to you

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: are u a rich person?

davepoobond: yes, i have gold in many countries

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: how long is your tongue?

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: hello?

Sandychris: hello

davepoobond: what kind of activities do you like to do in your free time

Sandychris: nothing

davepoobond: do you know nancy?

davepoobond: i havent heard from her for a long time

Sandychris: who is Nancy?

davepoobond: she works in china doing the same thing you do

Sandychris: i dont know here

davepoobond: she got married

Sandychris: her

Sandychris: Yeah

davepoobond: and then another person, named danny said she was dead

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: which site does she from?

Sandychris: do u know ?

Sandychris: u can contact with her by livechat on her site

davepoobond: i think from susanexpress

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: did u buy gold or mount before?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: we were friends

Sandychris: i am not working for susanexpress.:P

davepoobond: i was so happy to hear she was getting married

Sandychris: lol nice

davepoobond: and then a week later someone said she was dead

Sandychris: lol so weird

davepoobond: i think it was because she was dealing drugs

Sandychris: ahh?

davepoobond: opium

Sandychris: horrible

davepoobond: but she was so nice.  she had to sit on a box and type on her computer

Sandychris: why sit on a box?

davepoobond: they did not allow them to have chairs

Sandychris: lol horrilbe

Sandychris: i cant believe

Sandychris: chinese boss is good and cent do like this

davepoobond: what is your favorite movie

Sandychris: why should i tell u?

Sandychris: Forest Gump

Sandychris: do u know?

davepoobond: yes, i know that movie

davepoobond: it is a good movie

davepoobond: what is your favorite part

Sandychris: do u love it ?

davepoobond: yes

Sandychris: every is good

davepoobond: why do you like it

Sandychris: not sure

-~-

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GeForce 256 GPU Box Art

May 25th, 2012 Posted in Pictures No Comments »

GeForce 256 GPU Box Art

So powerful.

-~-

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The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo

April 19th, 2012 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories No Comments »

One day there was a polar bear.  He had issues.  He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened.  His mom wasn’t that much better.  Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.

When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California.  He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs.  A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly.  It was a windy day.

It was the worst of times.  It was the best of times.  The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them.  He was soooo cool.  That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore.  His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money.  Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are.  He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.

Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together.  They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot.  Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together!  That’s crazy!  Right?!?!  I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!

So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey.  She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God.  How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.

The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves.  She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly!  The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.

The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen.  He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process.  He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska.  He wasn’t even USING them for the school!  He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit.  Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense.  This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.

President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi.  He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses.  He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them.  Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card.  Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there.  This man was as rude as they came.  How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.

President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business.  He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had.  He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans.  Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.

After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on.  He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet.  His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.

“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…”  The President said in between farts.

The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.

“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”

The President got up and put his towel back on.  He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.

“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”

An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly.  Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.

“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.

President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.

The next day…

“Have you seen my mommy??”  Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.

“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly.  It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.

Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.

Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come.  She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.

As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come.  Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!

Moral:  Don’t take more than you need.

-~-

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