I no longer have faith in my psychiatrist. Last night I saw him in a bar telling his troubles to a bartender.
BARTENDER: “Look, pal, drinking whiskey is slow poison.”
MAN: “That’s okay. I’m in no hurry.”
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Rodney walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here.”
The bartender says, “You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?”
Rodney says, “Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, “Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?”
“Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some.”
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. “That’s amazing,” says the bartender. “What else can he do? Can he walk?”
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey Al, go get that quarter!” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. “That’s amazing,” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, “Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!”
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
A gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was amazed to hear the gorilla speak, but brought him a beer anyway.
The gorilla finished the beer and handed the bartender a twenty dollar bill. The bartender just couldn’t believe that a gorilla knew anything about money, so he only gave back one dollar in change.
“Hope you enjoyed your beer,” he said to the gorilla, “We don’t get too many gorillas coming in here.”
“At nineteen dollars a beer,” said the gorilla, “it’s no wonder.”
A guy and his dog go into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, get that dog out of here… we don’t allow dogs in here.”
Wait a minute, the guy says, “This is no ordinary dog ! This is ‘Plato’ the talking dog!”
“Yeah, sure” says the bartender.
“I’ll prove it to you,” says the guy. “Plato… what’s on top of a building?”
“ROOF!” says the dog.
“Look,” says the bartender, “just how dumb do you think I am?”
“Wait a minute,” says the guy. “Plato, how does sandpaper feel?”
“RUFF!” says the dog.
“Do I have ‘stupid’ tattooed across my forehead or something,” says the bartender. “Now get that dog out of here! ”
“Wait.. I’m not through”, says the guy. “Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“RUTH!” says the dog.
“That does it !! ” says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, “Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?”
Q: What do you call a white man surrounded by Indians?
A: A bartender
A blind man enters a Ladies’ Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things …..
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah…Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A bartender and he was closing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. He opened it and looked around, but saw no one. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small snail.
The snail says, “Hey Barkeep!…Can you get me a drink?”
“I’m afraid I can’t,” the bartender said. “First of all, we’re closed. And second of all, we don’t serve snails here!” With that, he picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
One week later, the same bartender was closing up for the night when again there’s a knock at the door. He opens the door but sees nobody. He looks down and sees the exact same snail from the week before.
Angrily, the snail looks up at him and yells… “What the heck did you do THAT for?!!!!!!”
Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie the bartender, “Where’s Beverly the waitress?”
“She’s dead,” replied the bartender.
“She died from herpes.”
“You don’t die from herpes.”
“You do if you give it to Big Louie!”
Pat – n. bartender/asshole
;} a jerk that smokes dope 1-5 times a week, but he thinks he’s better than you and he puts you down for doing acid 20 years ago
;} a “computer expert” that says he can help you with making some .wav files, then you find out he’s never done it before so it takes 80 minutes to download a 2 minute .wav, meaning he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing and he should’ve kept his big mouth shut so he wouldn’t have wasted my time
DJ – n. the only person in a bar that doesn’t get tipped. He’s the reason people dance, then they get thirsty, buy more drinks and they tip the bartender, but the DJ doesn’t get any recognition. He’s asked to play special songs by people, but for free.
bartenders – n. people that make way too much money. People that make way more than they deserve. People that make most of their money from tips, but they don’t tip.