gashua – v. to eat three bananas for lunch after eating a burrito
Developer/Publisher: Disco Pixel || Overall: 6.0
When Dave first contacted me to play a rhythm-based game featuring orangutans searching for their stolen stash of bananas, I was more than excited to brush off my old Jungle Beat Drums to play Donkey Konga 3: The Search for More Hard-to-Find Wii U Accessories. I was prepared to camp out for the official attachment that would end up being scalped left and right, due to limited supply from Nintendo, all to play a game that some have been waiting nine years to play. Then Dave told me that the game was actually called Jungle Rumble: Freedom, Happiness and Bananas, that it was on the PlayStation Vita, and it had nothing to do with the loveable banana eating kidnapper …
My before and after pictures, respectively.
Jungle Rumble: Freedom, Happiness and Bananas is an iOS port, featuring some extra content, of a rhythm-based action game that challenges you with reclaiming the stolen bananas of the Mofungo tribe from an aggressively red-colored rival tribe. The game uses a four-beat rhythm to have you perform tasks from moving, to attacking, and to ultimately defeating the rival tribe and reclaiming your tribe’s bananas. Overall, playing to the rhythm will ultimately decide whether your teams of simply-drawn monkeys succeeds or if the opposing team of simply-drawn monkeys does so instead.
Graphically, Jungle Rumbles isn’t really much to look at in action. While the attempt to give the game a particular style is there, it falls flat before achieving any notable flare. What’s left is a rather simple art style that tries it’s best to be simple and cute, but does not possess the small intricacies to achieve that goal. Don’t get me wrong, the game is nice enough to look at, but it appears rather stiff and lifeless when in action. The monkeys seem to perform the same repetitive actions ad nauseam for whatever four-beat command you manage to perform to the point of monotony. It’s a shame too, with a few more variations and perhaps a creative idle animation the art could have been much more pleasant to look at.
The music in Jungle Rumble is serviceable, which would be alright if it weren’t for the fact that music is sorta the most important part of rhythm games. While games like Lumines are remembered for their sweet techno beat, games like Dance Dance Revolution have catchy J-Pop, and even Donkey Konga tickles at the nostalgia bones by playing through classic Nintendo beats, Jungle Rumble seems content with providing a four-beat-rhythm that simply repeats infinitely and calls it music. To add (or subtract), the rhythm itself hardly changes between levels to any noticeable degree. On a better note, the meeps of the monkeys, the sound of a coconut hitting its mark and other sound effects add charm where the art and music does not.
Gameplay-wise, Jungle Rumble has the honor of using the Vita’s least used gameplay set-ups, which involves turning the Vita vertical, to good effect. While this set-up took a bit to get used too, I found it particularly useful in the game’s many scrolling levels to have the screen longer as opposed to wider. The game itself is controlled completely with touchscreen commands and its manipulations through the game’s four-beat rhythm. For example, to move from tree to tree requires the simple alteration between your starting tree and the tree you wish to move to. To throw a coconut requires you touch yourself three times (hehe) and the enemy once. Moving two spaces is much like moving one but requires an added touch on the third beat and a final touch to the far tree you wish to land on. Unfortunately, this is about as complicated as the game gets and I found myself expecting more when there was nothing left. Furthermore, the fact that each maneuver requires you to adhere to the previously mentioned 4 beat rhythm made me constantly get further out of tempo as I had to wait for the rhythm to repeat itself before starting another command. This was only further hindered by the fact that someone thought it would be a good idea for the game’s visual helper, colored circles and a tiny ball that bounced to the levels beat, to disappear after a few successful repetitions, making it the harder to get back into rhythm as I waited for it to reappear. Thankfully, I didn’t have to deal with that for long.
Jungle Rumble, while simple, is also very short; the five dollar prince tag will get you about two hours of gameplay. The content consists of three worlds filled with various stages that are easy to complete. While the game’s grading mechanic of a bronze, silver, and gold medal offer some replay value, overall it doesn’t add much more time to the already short game. Though, if two-hours-plus of content justifies five dollars is up to you.
Overall, Jungle Rumble: Freedom, Happiness and Bananas feels like a game that had a lot of good ideas that never truly came to fruition. The game never really seems to hit its stride, whether it is the art style that only looks charming when still, the rather forgettable “music,” the sometimes frustrating 4-beat commands or just the game’s short length. While not a horrible game, it perhaps could prove useful as a way to break into rhythm games for the uninitiated. Personally, however, Jungle Rumble: Freedom, Happiness and Bananas is not something I would look forward to.
When not writing reviews as Unnamedhero, Eduardo Luquin can be reached at email@example.com.
davepoobond was grocery shopping with his roommate, Quesogrande.
Quesogrande: “I eat a lot of bananas.”
davepoobond: “Yeah you do.”
Quesogrande: “Fuck you!”
– At Fresh and Easy
Alone in an alley, the mayor of Candybarrio in Foodland, Cassius Candybar was strolling through. It wasn’t exactly the safest of places to take a brisk walk, considering the last five high profile homicides had taken place here, in which all of the victims were mutilated to the point of being called a different food. No one knew what a Tomato Chocolate Smoothie was until last week when Clive Tomato and Sandy Chocandy were murdered and blended together.
“What kind of murderous, Foodlandish person would be able to exist?” the local news stations explored that question to no avail and received higher ratings than ever before. Conspiracy theorists even started to believe the news stations themselves were propagating this uptake in mutilation-type violence — or even hiring people to commit them so there would be more news coverage!
The sad truth of the matter was, that it was not that simple… Cassius knew more than he had let on in his myriad of interviews. To cut the mystery short, it was Cassius who had murdered the the five Foodlandish in the alley. He was using the publicity of the murders to propel himself to the forefront of the minds of Foodlandish in the upcoming elections.
And his plan was working.
That was, until a copycat murderer decided to open his killing spree with a high-profile target. Banana-Face the Orange had trained with his knife skills for like three hours before he came to the alley behind Roger and Jefferson’s Waffle House and Croissant Bakery.
It didn’t take too much effort to slice the ligaments in Cassisus’ legs… and before Cassius could do anything, a six-inch fruit peeler was jutted into his back. Banana-Face twisted the fruit peeler slowly as the caramel began to ooze out of Cassius. In his screams came more and more pain. The nougat began to ooze out along with the caramel and Banana-Face’s Relentless Fruit Peeler began to dig at Cassius’ peanuts. Once the hole was big enough, Banana-Face thrust his hand into Cassius and grabbed a peanut, ripping it from his nougaty center.
Cassius did everything he could to crawl away but it was to no avail. Banana-Face enraged and began to rapidly stab Cassius in his back. He began to bash Cassius’ head with his own peanut and caramel began to ooze from the back of his head. Cassius’ last ditch effort was to get his Battery-Powered Blender Knife from his right pocket. He reached for it and turned it on.
Banana-Face was in the middle of another Stab-and-Twist when Cassius flipped over, causing him to lose his balance. Cassius raised the whirring Blender Knife into the air and came into Banana-Face’s lower extremities. Banana-Face screamed louder than Cassius had, and orange juice sprayed onto Cassius’ face as he laughed maniacally, exacting his painful revenge on the orange. Orange pulp began to spray, as the knife got closer to Banana-Face’s core.
Cassius removed the Blending Knife and readied his thrust again. In that instant, Banana-Face reached and grabbed the fruit peeler in Cassius’ back and used it as a handle to get closer to Cassius before his next thrust. Cassius screamed in pain, but that didn’t do much to offset his balance as the blending knife came from the right and into Banana-Face’s side. They both screamed at the top of their lungs in their weird hug-like stance.
The alley was full of orange caramel juice. It flowed like a miniature river as it ended up into a grate on the floor. Banana-Face’s life force drained away and he eventually fell limp. Cassius fell to the ground as well, but in victory. He was relieved he had survived the ordeal, but little did he know, a new threat loomed beneath the alley — a fire-breathing Drah-Gun!
Shunookle the Drah-Gun was on a vacation from Nikpan and thought the sewer system in Foodland would provide for a nice respite from the hustle and bustle of Dragon Town. Unfortunately for her, this was the sixth extremely loud murder to occur within the last week, and it was pissing her off! She burst out of the alley’s asphalt and flew into the air, throwing asphalt all over the place and flying away.
Cassius Candybar was ultimately known for killing all tourism in Candybarrio once Shunookle the Drah-Gun posted on BizarroBook, the world’s most popular social network that Candybarrio was a very loud and unsafe place to visit.
Moral of the story: Considering the consequences of your actions is prudent in matters of politics.
Juan: “Hi, Mrs. Garcia!”
Mrs. Garcia: “Hi, Juan!”
Juan: “I like your banana.”
Mrs. Garcia: “yes, it is very long, no?”
Mrs. Garcia: “the size of my banana is 12”
Juan: “what is the price?”
Mrs. Garcia: “the jacket is 999 pesos”
Mrs. Garcia: “yes”
Juan: “yes, bye”
– by davepoobond and BlindBubba. Written in Spanish for an assignment, and then translated into English by davepoobond.
Q: What did the banana say to the lemon when he was crying?
A: Why such a sour face?
Q: Why is a banana peel on a sidewalk like music?
A: Because if you don’t “C” sharp, you’ll “B” flat!
Q: What’s yellow and writes?
A: A ball point banana.
feruoshs – v. to eat banana chips while fingering your best friend’s girlfriend
Bananas in Belize-a
Bananas in Belize are good to eat-a
Chiquita Banana I’d like to meet-a
La La La La La
Parody of Los Del Rio – Macarena
by Adam Sandler
Sitting in my house, and I know that I’m alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it’s the one with Sharon Stone
I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
Once ain’t enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don’t know where its been
I do it in the car when I’m driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can’t get out the car cause I’m sticking to the seat
Since I was a kid I have been a masturbater,
Choke the chicken; hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I’ve looked at Ms. November now I’m gonna decorate her
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I’m makin’.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achin’.
You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like “one banana plus two bananas make three bananas”? Here’s a list of high school math courses based on bananas:
Algebra I – A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.
Algebra I – B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.
Q: What happens when a banana sees a ghost?
A: The banana splits!
The following is a menu offered at the Unfriendly Restaurhant and Coffin Shop Moan-U.
A die-ning delight that will lift your spirits!
Boo-gels and Scream Cheese
Ice Scream Floats
Clammy on the Half Shell
Chilllled Tomb-ato Juice
SOUPS AND SALADS
Cream of Asparaghost
Lettuce Alone Salad
Marinated Brussel Shouts
Banana Scream Pie
Key Slime Pie
Hot Sludge Shun-dae
Souther Fright Chicken
Turkey with Grave-y
Breakfast Served from Midnight to 3 A.M. Daily
Ghost Toasties with Evaporated Milk
Scream of Wheat
Terri-fried Eggs — Over Easy
Three-moan-it Soft-booled Eggs
Cust-tomb-ers: We accept Die-ners Club, Monster Card, and American Hex-press Credit Cards