Hannah Is a Palindrome

This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

This is a story I read a long time ago, and it is mad stupid. I don’t remember the details, but they really aren’t important….trust me. This is my retelling of that old story.

Hannah is this stupid girl that is sitting in her class one day. She always wanted to clap the erasers when they were dirty, but the teacher never called on her to do it, always someone else in class, especially the same person over and over. One day, the teacher taught them a new grammar thingy called a “palindrome.” The teacher pointed out Hannah and said, “Hannah is a palindrome, but I won’t tell you what a palindrome is until after recess, because I’m a bitch. So figure it out.”

Hannah didn’t like the fact the teacher pointed her out, and out on the playground, all the kids teased her, chanting, “Hannah is a palindrome, Hannah is a palindrome.” Hannah didn’t know what to say, because she didn’t know what a palindrome was. She got mad at the teacher for calling her a palindrome. How could she do such a thing? She never even let Hannah clap the chalkboard erasers, for crying out loud! WHAT A STUPID BITCH! SHE SHOULD BE SHOT! GOD DAMMIT!

After recess, all the way back to the room, the kids teased her, still chanting. When they got back in the room, the teacher explained what a palindrome was. It was a word that could be spelled backwards the same way forwards. The teacher told the kids they shouldn’t have teased Hannah for having a name that could be spelled backwards the same as forwards. Now the kids all felt like dumbasses. Then the teacher showed it to them on the board, doing it regularly, and backwards, erased it, then asked Hannah to clap the erasers by the window. Hannah did, and she enjoyed it.

good job, Hannah, I hope you enjoyed clapping those erasers and smelled that chalk dust. I hope you had fun, too, ya loser!


Dave’s Notes: Sylvester and the Magic Pebble

This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

There was this stupid kid named Sylvester Duncan and he had a hobby of collecting pebbles.  What a douche.  Honestly, he couldn’t figure out something better to do with his time?  Did I mention he was a donkey?  No?  I guess I spoiled the midway surprise if you read this without any pictures attached like I did.

So, anyway, this donkey liked to collect pebbles.  He found a magic pebble that was enchanted by a novice wizard who was getting used to new incantations on the hill nearby Sylvester’s home town.  This wizard was probably a gopher, and he’s not in the story at all.  But you know he’s watching…

Sylvester is so happy when he finds this pebble because he wants to be a geologist one day and he would be the first donkey geologist anyone had ever conceived for a fairy tale.  He was going to be famous!  Sort of.

Anyway, this pebble grants wishes and he wished for stupid shit to happen, mostly to do with the weather.  As he was skipping along on the way home, instead of using the pebble to travel around wherever he wanted, like a smart donkey geologist would, he encountered the hobo murderer lion that lived on Strawberry Hill — and he had an appetite for stupid donkey geologists such as Sylvester.  He just ate the giraffe seismologist and he wasn’t too filling.

So, like the dumb donkey he is, he wishes that he was a rock and loses grip of the magic pebble.  Well, now Sylvester is a rock.  I told you he was smart, now he gets to see how life is like being a rock.  The lion takes a piss on him and leaves him to die.  If only the lion knew the power of the magic pebble, he’d be a respected and unfeared member of the animal populace.  He’d also have fairy tales written about HIM.  But I guess not.

So, Sylvester fell asleep for 20 years.  During that time, his parents looked for him, but it was all for naught.  After three almost-divorces and taking the lion to court for kidnap and murder three times (there was no such thing as double jeopardy in Oatsdale, but there was something called justice and parental negligence), the Duncan Donkey parents forgot about their son and tried to live on without him — which wasn’t hard.  They turned his room into an exercise room and tossed out his shitty pebble collection.

So, one day the Duncans went for a picnic and a screw on Strawberry Hill where they started remembering about their son from 20 years ago.  They found a pebble on the ground which just happened to be the magic pebble and wished that Sylvester was there, so they could beat the shit out of him for leaving the house all those years ago for a stupid hobby.

Hark!  The rock Mr. Duncan had his ass on turned into their son and they beat the shit out of him like they wanted.  They dragged him home by his ear and locked him in a cage.  They put the magic pebble in an iron safe so that no one would wish for stupid shit anymore and because the Duncans were already rich from the Duncan vs. Oatsdale Police court case where the Duncans charged the Oatsdale Police with conspiracy for covering up the disappearance of Sylvester.

Little did they know, the lion would get a lawyer to prosecute the Duncans for defamation of character in the disappearance cases and would retain all of the Duncans’ possessions once they found out Sylvester was trapped in the Duncans’ house.  Which meant Sylvester would get put into slavery (since he became a possession) and the magic pebble would sit in a locked safe owned by a lion who didn’t know the combo.

This whole time, the gopher wizard was sitting at home watching Street Sharks on DVD and enjoying the company of his gopher prostitutes.


Dave’s Notes: The Tale of Peter Rabbit

This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

Peter Rabbit is this asshole rabbit who had a stupid dad that got caught by this upstanding, taxpaying, well-groomed farmer named Mrs. McGregor.  She wore a bra that was D cup even though she was plainly a C.

Peter Rabbit had a negligent mother named Mrs. Rabbit who thinks its a good idea to leave her 4 sons Peter, Mopsy, Flopsy and Cotton-Tail alone while she fucked the baker in RabbitTown.

Since Peter is an asshole, he disobeys his mother and abandons his brothers to the horrors of the forest while they lug blackberries back and forth.  Mrs. Rabbit believed in child labor after all.

So, Peter goes onto Mrs. McGregor’s farm and shits in her prize-winning flowers.  Then he eats her lovingly planted cabbage, radishes, cucumbers, and doesn’t even give her a reach around.

Mrs. McGregor, already dealing with the saggy boobie problem that plagues her family hereditarily, tried to kill that no-good Peter Rabbit and do us all a favor by doing so.

Peter Rabbit unfortunately gets away and hides in Mrs. McGregor’s toolshed where she keeps her can of holy water laying around unprotected.  Not only does Peter Rabbit desecrate Mrs. McGregor’s farm, but he tarnishes the sanctity of Mrs. McGregor’s religion by pissing in it while he’s in her holy water.

Not only that, but the pervert Peter Rabbit lost all his clothing while he was being chased by Mrs. McGregor (very convenient, don’t you think?), so his sweaty ball sweat was integrating with the holy water.

Peter Rabbit sneezed, giving away his tactical position in the dark shed and busted through the toolshed window.  Great, that’s going to cost money to replace.

Peter Rabbit tried to find a way out from the farm after the vandalism and indecency he subjected to Mrs. McGregor.  He couldn’t, so he started crying like a bitch.  He saw a bunch of other dumb shit that didn’t help him get away.

Eventually he found the gate he came in from and ran back home, leaving Mrs. and Mr. McGregor to clean up the mess he left.  When Peter got home he took a big shit and went to bed.  His family ate blackberries, bread, and milk, cause they were poor.

Peter got away with murder and was rewarded for it.


Dave’s Notes: Millions of Cats

This entry is part 4 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

So there was this old crazy man and an equally old and crazy woman who lived together but weren’t married.  Friends with benefits, let’s call it.

Unfortunately, they got screwed by social security because of their marital status and were miserable all the time.  They were also terrible company to each other because they both had terrible personalities.

So, the woman tells the man she is lonely and wants a cat.  What that actually means is she wants to fuck other 120 year old men.  She was into older guys.

So, since the old man didn’t want to lose the only vadge he’s ever had the opportunity to service, he went on a long trek to the pet store to get a cat…or a million cats.  Did I mention he was nuts?

So he got to the pet store and the pet store said the only place that has a million cats is Cat Hill.  It was a refugee camp for cats that had been created by the Croation government in Southern California.

So the old man goes to Cat Hill and, since he can’t see very well, thinks every cat is as pretty as the next.  He can’t pick just one, so he becomes a Moses for kitties and leads them to the promised land of Van Nuys, CA, back to his apartment.

Along the way, the cats, like a plague, drank up whole water reservoirs and ate all the grass that managed to grow in the SoCal desert.

When he got back home, Jerry, the next door neighbor climbed out the window just before he came.

In her sexy nighty, the old woman was seemingly unsurprised that the old man would bring a million cats back with him.  Did I mention he was nuts?

So, the lady said they could only keep one because housing refugees doesn’t get any tax breaks.  So, the old man asked the cats (did I mention he was nuts?) which one was prettiest.

After some civil deliberation, a white cat shot a black cat and everyone started eating each other.  They were hungry, after all.  So the old man and woman went inside the house and didn’t watch the slaughter taking place in front of their apartment — they opted for a different type of slaughter:  A Raider’s football game.  Then they watched Fraiser, cause they’re old.

When they came back outside, the only cat left alive was a small, thin, and scraggly kitten.

So, they took in the cat and kept it.  Little did they know, the cat was a mastermind feline felon (get it?) that had planned the genocide of his cat brethren without being tried for a war crime.  So he lived with the old man and old woman until they died (read: got murdered by a cat) and then the cat inherited all of their shit, went back to Eastern Europe and resumed his tyrannical rule of Purrrrrrsia.


Dave’s Notes: Come and Have Fun

This entry is part 5 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

There’s this cat, right.  And he likes to harass this mouse, see.  And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment.  This cat is like a bible basher, but worse.  He’s a murderer.

The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house.  But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse.  Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse.  It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.

Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat.  But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat.  Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.

So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm.  He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat.  Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.

Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.

Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him.  But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt.  Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.

The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird.  The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl.  Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill.  Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?

The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole.  To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside.  So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.

The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea.  Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house.  So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake.  Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”

Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.