A Parent’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat….
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With “assembly required” till morning’s first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there’s something to say for those self-deluded…
I’d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

 

Deck the Halls Parody #9220

To the tune of “Deck The Halls”

—————–

‘Tis the season to be greedy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Treat ourselves, forget the needy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Charging gifts with wild abandon!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Credit limits not withstandin’!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!

Sing we now the spendthrift’s carol!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Buying presents by the barrel!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Throwing parties, being merry!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Till bills come in January!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!

 

Surfing the Internet

Surfing the Internet
Surfin’ the Net
So I think I’m in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright

the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face

so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit

I act all surprised
don’t know why my machine died
“simply unpredictable these
computers are!” I cried

“So we’ll get you a new one
a computer that won’t crash” he exclaims
Do you think he’ll wonder
when the new one acts the same?

 

What’s Got You Blue?: The Most Depressing Poem in the World

Anxiety

Cultural Diversity

Depression

Domestic Violence

Drug and Alcohol Abuse

Eating Disorders

Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Concerns

Grief

Imposter Phenomenon

Intercultural Dating

Parenting

Relationships

Self Esteem

Sexual Assault

Sexual Harassment

Stalking

Stress

Suicide

Women’s & Men’s Issues

 

Fin

 

Alien: Resurrection Song

So there’s an Alien behind and he’s breathin’ down on me,
And whoah! His breath is really stinky
So I take out a gun,
Blow him away,
Say goodbye as I blow him into next Thursday,
yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum

dododododododododo dododododododododo

Now I’m walking down a hall, looking left and right.
If someone attacks, I’ll make sure to put up a good fight.
Then 1, 2, out of the wall,
Blow them away and watch their bodies fall,
Ohh yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum

They gots oblong heads,
Big black eyes,
But you gotta see what happens when they’re electrified,
oh, yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum…

Oh, yeah, gotta kill that Alien scuuuuuuuum! Whoohee!!!

Thank yew, thank yew very much.

 

Cragula

Parody of “Dragula” by Rob Zombie.

———————-

*Fast paced demonic rap beat*

Gay I am the man,
I skullfucked Jackie Chan.
Felt his boner, hard as brick,
Nothing to lose buuuuuut my dick.

*Frogs yodeling in background*

Hand in pants it is,
Feel my monkey jizz.
Cool breeze iiiiin my face,
Jacked off in a vase.

*Insane rap beats*

Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

*Silence*

But you’d like that too much, wouldn’t ya?

*Fast pased demonic rap beat*

Ass that has the corns,
Five ninety-nine to blow my horn.
McDonalds here we are,
Look at my ass it’s full of brass get the fuck out of my caaaaaaaaar-

*Gary Coleman jumps in and starts rapping*

You think it’s cool when ya fool but the only one you’re foolin is yo mom. Get your act together and dress for the weather shake my dick all the way to the prom.

*Gary Coleman is stripping while rapping*

You want some of dis but it’s something you can’t see be real sad call your dad tell em bout the birds and my big fucking bee.

*Turntable wa-was, then demonic fast paced rap beat*Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

Greatness is this song,
Listen to it all day long.
But save the night for someone else,
Have fun with your mom beware the nails.

*People start going “hey hey hey hey” in the background*

1, 2 ,3 4 6,
Jerking in a can of pick up sticks.
You caaaaan’t and won’t believe,
My dick you will recieve.

*People still doing the “hey hey” thing*

Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

*Gary Coleman comes back as music drops*

I vant to suck your dick!

**End song**

 

Ridin’ Faster, Pushin’ Harder, On Our Scooters

Parody of “Faster Harder Scooter” by Scooter.

—————————

I want everybody to get down to the road as soon as possible
Grab your scooters, We’re going for a long ride
Let’s go for a ride to the other side of the world
Put on a helmet, join our team and you feel alright
No more sitting on your arse you need some exercise
It’s the message so listen and you will see
No illusion the adrenaline is what you’ll feel
Get that adrenaline pumpin’ so you can get a thrill
I explain once again, you will get a thrill
So get on your scooters and start:

Ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!

Yeaahhh!!
Alright scooter riders, this is where we’ll ride, yes!
Aaaaaargh!

From Australia to China to the U.S.A. and the whole world
Let me ask you if there is a better way to get a thrill
Than to go for a scooter ride around the world
Don’t you know we just want you to have a good time
No traffic or extreme weather will make us stop
Now the time has come we will get extreme
I explain once again, you will get a thrill
So get on your scooters and start:

Ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
Yeaaaaaaah!

Everybody get:
(Ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!)
Yes!
(We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!)
C’MON!!!
(We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!)
Once more ’cause you need the thrill
(We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!) Yeah!

We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
Ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
AAAAHHHHHHHH, that’s one HELL of a scooter ride!!!!!

 

The Sound Of A Breaking Fart

Parody of “The Sound of Breaking Up” by Maccrane Paul.

————————

I clench my arse (the gas is building up)
I hold my breath (I’m about to fart)
I take one heave (I open my arse)
(FAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTT!!!!!) (this is the sound of a breaking fart!)

Just let one rip in the classroom one day
Coz my bowels were in pain after eating a tin of baked beans
I didn’t want it to be silent
I wanted it loud
So I… I heave one out real hard
And yell “THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!!!”
The kids laughed and the teacher yelled “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??”
So this is what I told him:

I clench my arse (the gas is building up)
I hold my breath (I’m about to fart)
I take one heave (I open my arse)
(FAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTT!!!!!) (this is the sound of a breaking fart!)

Got 3 days detention for farting in class
So I didn’t get off easy but it was fun anyway
I got bored with nothing to do so it was tempting to fart again
And I know I’ll get in more trouble
But I… I just couldn’t give a shit
So I farted EXTREMELY hard
The detention teacher yelled “CRIKEY!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??”
So this is what I told him:

I clench my arse (the gas is building up)
I hold my breath (I’m about to fart)
I take one heave (I open my arse)
(FAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTT!!!!!) (this is the sound of a breaking fart!)

I clench my arse (the gas is building up)
I hold my breath (I’m about to fart)
I take one heave (I open my arse)
(FAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTT!!!!!) (this is the sound of a breaking fart!)

(This is the sound of a breaking fart!!!)

 

It’s Raining Beer

Parody of “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls.

————————-

Here’s another song parody I made up which is a parody of the Weather Girls 1982 disco classic “It’s Raining Men” which I entitled “It’s Raining Beer” and here are the lyrics:

Oi! We’re your weather blokes ah huh
And we have got news for you, better listen!
Get ready, all you thirsty ockers
And leave your beer cans at home. Alright

Humidity is rising Barometer’s getting low
According to all sources, the footy’s the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half past ten
For the first time in history
It’s gonna start raining beer.

It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!
I’m gonna go out to drink and let myself get
Absolutely pissed blind!
It’s raining beer! Bloody oath!
It’s raining beer! Every brew!
Fosters, VB, Tooheys and Extra Dry
Sweet and sour and bitter and tangy

God bless Mother Nature, she’s a beer drinker too
She took off to the pub in heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every yobbo to take a piss from the sky
So that each and every bloke could drink their perfect brand of piss
It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!
It’s raining Beer! Bloody oath!
It’s raining Beer! Hey maaaaaaaaaaaaates!

Humidity is rising Barometer’s getting low
According to all sources, the footy’s the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half past ten
For the first time in history
It’s gonna start raining beer.

It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!
It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!
It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!

It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!

 

The Hopoate Shuffle

Parody of “The Curly Shuffle” by Dr. Demento.

——————————-

When Hopoate and the Tigers go out on the field
He kicks the footy and he tackles real low
He don’t like the Dragons but likes their dates
So he jams his fingers right in and does the Hopoate shuffle

(Hey Craig! Hey Craig!) Hey Craig! Hey Craig!
(Well, poke, poke, poke, poke!) Well, poke, poke, poke, poke!
(Right up his date, right up his date) Right up his date, right up his date
(Ooh ooh ooh the pain!) Ooh ooh ooh the pain!
Well he never misses the arse so he jams his fingers in and does the Hopoate shuffle

Well Craig Smith and the Dragons hate John Hopoate
He is filthy footballer and should be known as “date fingers”
He gets such a delight to do the plugger and shaker
Ramming his fingers right in and doing the Hopoate Shuffle

(Hey Craig! Hey Craig!) Hey Craig! Hey Craig!
(Well, jab, jab, jab, jab!) Well, jab, jab, jab, jab!
(Right up his clacker, right up his clacker) Right up his clacker, right up his clacker
(Ouch, my arsehole!) Ouch, my arsehole!
Well he never misses the arse so he jams his fingers in and does the Hopoate shuffle

[break]

Well Craig and the Dragons love to see
Hopoate get his arse kicked out of the team
So Hopoate got 12 months suspension
Because he loves to be up-to-date and do the Hopoate Shuffle

(Hey Craig! Hey Craig!) Hey Craig! Hey Craig!
(Well, plug, plug, plug, plug!) Well, plug, plug, plug, plug!
(Right up his bumcrack, right up his bumcrack) Right up his bumcrack, right up his bumcrack
(Piss off brown fingers!) Piss off brown fingers!
Well he never misses the arse so he jams his fingers in and does the Hopoate shuffle
(That’s right)
He does the Hopoate Shuffle (What has he done?)
He does the Hopoate Shuffle (That’s what I thought he done!)
He does the Hopoate Shuffle (Ouch ouch ouch ouch!)
He does the Hopoate Shuffle (Dirty bastard!)
Well he never misses the arse so he jams his fingers in and does the Hopoate shuffle

 

Portaloo

Parody of “Waterloo” by ABBA.

————————-

Well well, at camp we were in need of a portable toilet
Oh yeah, it is illegal to piss and shit in the bushes
So we called up Go Hire
To hire a portalooooooooooooooo

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – we rang Go Hire to get us one
Portaloo – finally here comes the truck with a portaloo

Well well, we were about to shit and piss ourselves
Oh yeah, we scrambled to get in first and had a fight
And who got in first
It was me and I let it all flyyyyyyyyyyy

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – we scrambled to get in and had a fight

And who got in first
It was me and I let it all flyyyyyyyyyyy

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – the last one to get in shit and pissed himself
Portaloo – it was full and reeked of shit