What’s Got You Blue?: The Most Depressing Poem in the World

Anxiety

Cultural Diversity

Depression

Domestic Violence

Drug and Alcohol Abuse

Eating Disorders

Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Concerns

Grief

Imposter Phenomenon

Intercultural Dating

Parenting

Relationships

Self Esteem

Sexual Assault

Sexual Harassment

Stalking

Stress

Suicide

Women’s & Men’s Issues

 

Fin

 

Alien: Resurrection Song

So there’s an Alien behind and he’s breathin’ down on me,
And whoah! His breath is really stinky
So I take out a gun,
Blow him away,
Say goodbye as I blow him into next Thursday,
yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum

dododododododododo dododododododododo

Now I’m walking down a hall, looking left and right.
If someone attacks, I’ll make sure to put up a good fight.
Then 1, 2, out of the wall,
Blow them away and watch their bodies fall,
Ohh yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum

They gots oblong heads,
Big black eyes,
But you gotta see what happens when they’re electrified,
oh, yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum…

Oh, yeah, gotta kill that Alien scuuuuuuuum! Whoohee!!!

Thank yew, thank yew very much.

 

Cragula

Parody of “Dragula” by Rob Zombie.

———————-

*Fast paced demonic rap beat*

Gay I am the man,
I skullfucked Jackie Chan.
Felt his boner, hard as brick,
Nothing to lose buuuuuut my dick.

*Frogs yodeling in background*

Hand in pants it is,
Feel my monkey jizz.
Cool breeze iiiiin my face,
Jacked off in a vase.

*Insane rap beats*

Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

*Silence*

But you’d like that too much, wouldn’t ya?

*Fast pased demonic rap beat*

Ass that has the corns,
Five ninety-nine to blow my horn.
McDonalds here we are,
Look at my ass it’s full of brass get the fuck out of my caaaaaaaaar-

*Gary Coleman jumps in and starts rapping*

You think it’s cool when ya fool but the only one you’re foolin is yo mom. Get your act together and dress for the weather shake my dick all the way to the prom.

*Gary Coleman is stripping while rapping*

You want some of dis but it’s something you can’t see be real sad call your dad tell em bout the birds and my big fucking bee.

*Turntable wa-was, then demonic fast paced rap beat*Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

Greatness is this song,
Listen to it all day long.
But save the night for someone else,
Have fun with your mom beware the nails.

*People start going “hey hey hey hey” in the background*

1, 2 ,3 4 6,
Jerking in a can of pick up sticks.
You caaaaan’t and won’t believe,
My dick you will recieve.

*People still doing the “hey hey” thing*

Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki
Dig in my britches and turn, see a worm, makes you squirm, chickichickichicki

*Gary Coleman comes back as music drops*

I vant to suck your dick!

**End song**

 

Ridin’ Faster, Pushin’ Harder, On Our Scooters

Parody of “Faster Harder Scooter” by Scooter.

—————————

I want everybody to get down to the road as soon as possible
Grab your scooters, We’re going for a long ride
Let’s go for a ride to the other side of the world
Put on a helmet, join our team and you feel alright
No more sitting on your arse you need some exercise
It’s the message so listen and you will see
No illusion the adrenaline is what you’ll feel
Get that adrenaline pumpin’ so you can get a thrill
I explain once again, you will get a thrill
So get on your scooters and start:

Ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!

Yeaahhh!!
Alright scooter riders, this is where we’ll ride, yes!
Aaaaaargh!

From Australia to China to the U.S.A. and the whole world
Let me ask you if there is a better way to get a thrill
Than to go for a scooter ride around the world
Don’t you know we just want you to have a good time
No traffic or extreme weather will make us stop
Now the time has come we will get extreme
I explain once again, you will get a thrill
So get on your scooters and start:

Ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
Yeaaaaaaah!

Everybody get:
(Ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!)
Yes!
(We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!)
C’MON!!!
(We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!)
Once more ’cause you need the thrill
(We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!) Yeah!

We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
We’re ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
Ridin’ faster…..pushin’ harder…..on our scooters!!!!!
AAAAHHHHHHHH, that’s one HELL of a scooter ride!!!!!

 

The Sound Of A Breaking Fart

Parody of “The Sound of Breaking Up” by Maccrane Paul.

————————

I clench my arse (the gas is building up)
I hold my breath (I’m about to fart)
I take one heave (I open my arse)
(FAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTT!!!!!) (this is the sound of a breaking fart!)

Just let one rip in the classroom one day
Coz my bowels were in pain after eating a tin of baked beans
I didn’t want it to be silent
I wanted it loud
So I… I heave one out real hard
And yell “THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!!!”
The kids laughed and the teacher yelled “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??”
So this is what I told him:

I clench my arse (the gas is building up)
I hold my breath (I’m about to fart)
I take one heave (I open my arse)
(FAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTT!!!!!) (this is the sound of a breaking fart!)

Got 3 days detention for farting in class
So I didn’t get off easy but it was fun anyway
I got bored with nothing to do so it was tempting to fart again
And I know I’ll get in more trouble
But I… I just couldn’t give a shit
So I farted EXTREMELY hard
The detention teacher yelled “CRIKEY!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??”
So this is what I told him:

I clench my arse (the gas is building up)
I hold my breath (I’m about to fart)
I take one heave (I open my arse)
(FAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTT!!!!!) (this is the sound of a breaking fart!)

I clench my arse (the gas is building up)
I hold my breath (I’m about to fart)
I take one heave (I open my arse)
(FAAAAAAAAAAAARTTTTT!!!!!) (this is the sound of a breaking fart!)

(This is the sound of a breaking fart!!!)

 

It’s Raining Beer

Parody of “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls.

————————-

Here’s another song parody I made up which is a parody of the Weather Girls 1982 disco classic “It’s Raining Men” which I entitled “It’s Raining Beer” and here are the lyrics:

Oi! We’re your weather blokes ah huh
And we have got news for you, better listen!
Get ready, all you thirsty ockers
And leave your beer cans at home. Alright

Humidity is rising Barometer’s getting low
According to all sources, the footy’s the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half past ten
For the first time in history
It’s gonna start raining beer.

It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!
I’m gonna go out to drink and let myself get
Absolutely pissed blind!
It’s raining beer! Bloody oath!
It’s raining beer! Every brew!
Fosters, VB, Tooheys and Extra Dry
Sweet and sour and bitter and tangy

God bless Mother Nature, she’s a beer drinker too
She took off to the pub in heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every yobbo to take a piss from the sky
So that each and every bloke could drink their perfect brand of piss
It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!
It’s raining Beer! Bloody oath!
It’s raining Beer! Hey maaaaaaaaaaaaates!

Humidity is rising Barometer’s getting low
According to all sources, the footy’s the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half past ten
For the first time in history
It’s gonna start raining beer.

It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!
It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!
It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!

It’s raining beer! Bloody oath! It’s raining beer! Hey mates!

 

The Hopoate Shuffle

Parody of “The Curly Shuffle” by Dr. Demento.

——————————-

When Hopoate and the Tigers go out on the field
He kicks the footy and he tackles real low
He don’t like the Dragons but likes their dates
So he jams his fingers right in and does the Hopoate shuffle

(Hey Craig! Hey Craig!) Hey Craig! Hey Craig!
(Well, poke, poke, poke, poke!) Well, poke, poke, poke, poke!
(Right up his date, right up his date) Right up his date, right up his date
(Ooh ooh ooh the pain!) Ooh ooh ooh the pain!
Well he never misses the arse so he jams his fingers in and does the Hopoate shuffle

Well Craig Smith and the Dragons hate John Hopoate
He is filthy footballer and should be known as “date fingers”
He gets such a delight to do the plugger and shaker
Ramming his fingers right in and doing the Hopoate Shuffle

(Hey Craig! Hey Craig!) Hey Craig! Hey Craig!
(Well, jab, jab, jab, jab!) Well, jab, jab, jab, jab!
(Right up his clacker, right up his clacker) Right up his clacker, right up his clacker
(Ouch, my arsehole!) Ouch, my arsehole!
Well he never misses the arse so he jams his fingers in and does the Hopoate shuffle

[break]

Well Craig and the Dragons love to see
Hopoate get his arse kicked out of the team
So Hopoate got 12 months suspension
Because he loves to be up-to-date and do the Hopoate Shuffle

(Hey Craig! Hey Craig!) Hey Craig! Hey Craig!
(Well, plug, plug, plug, plug!) Well, plug, plug, plug, plug!
(Right up his bumcrack, right up his bumcrack) Right up his bumcrack, right up his bumcrack
(Piss off brown fingers!) Piss off brown fingers!
Well he never misses the arse so he jams his fingers in and does the Hopoate shuffle
(That’s right)
He does the Hopoate Shuffle (What has he done?)
He does the Hopoate Shuffle (That’s what I thought he done!)
He does the Hopoate Shuffle (Ouch ouch ouch ouch!)
He does the Hopoate Shuffle (Dirty bastard!)
Well he never misses the arse so he jams his fingers in and does the Hopoate shuffle

 

Portaloo

Parody of “Waterloo” by ABBA.

————————-

Well well, at camp we were in need of a portable toilet
Oh yeah, it is illegal to piss and shit in the bushes
So we called up Go Hire
To hire a portalooooooooooooooo

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – we rang Go Hire to get us one
Portaloo – finally here comes the truck with a portaloo

Well well, we were about to shit and piss ourselves
Oh yeah, we scrambled to get in first and had a fight
And who got in first
It was me and I let it all flyyyyyyyyyyy

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – we scrambled to get in and had a fight

And who got in first
It was me and I let it all flyyyyyyyyyyy

Portaloo – me and my mates were busting to go
Portaloo – our bowels and bladders were totally full
Portaloo – we couldn’t hold off we needed to go
Portaloo – the last one to get in shit and pissed himself
Portaloo – it was full and reeked of shit

 

Let There Be Crocks

Parody of “Let There Be Rock” by AC/DC.

—————————

In the beginning back in the 1970s
Man didn’t know much about bush survival
Nor wrestling crocs
Steve Irwin was only a kid
Les Hiddins finished serving Vietnam war
Both didn’t know what their future was
But Harry Butler had the news
He said-

“Let there be bush” and there was bush
“Let there be outback” and there was outback
“Let there be bush tucker” and there was bush tucker
“Let there be snakes” and there was snakes
“Let there be crocs”

And it came to pass
That bush survival and croc wrestling was born
All across Australia Steve’n’Les
were trekking in the bush
Les Hiddins became Bush Tucker Man
Steve Irwin became Crocodile Hunter
And they both became TV stars
And got really rich
There were 15 million crocodiles
For Steve Irwin to wrestle
And plenty of bush tucker for Les Hiddins
And this is what they had to say

“Let there be bush”
“Outback”
“Bush tucker”
“Snakes”
“Arrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh let there be crocs”

One day out in the bush Les found some bush tucker
There was a tree full of witchetty grubs and he ate them all
Steve said “CRIKEY” when found a lagoon of crocs
He wrestled them all yelled out loud

“Let there be crooooooooooooooooooooooocks”

 

I’m Too Yobbo

Parody of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred

——————————-

I’m too chauvinistic for my wife, too chauvinistic for my wife
My wife’s gonna leave me
I’m too fat for my stubby shorts, too fat for my stubby shorts
I have plumbers crack
And I’m too pissed to get out of the pub, too pissed to get out of the pub
That’s where I normally stay
And I’m too lazy to have a bath, to lazy to have a bath
I smell of fart and sweat

I’m yobbo, I live on beer and pies
And I love watchin’ footy on TV
Yeah on TV, on TV
I love watchin’ footy on TV

I’m too large for my singlet, too large for my singlet
So large my gut is hanging out
And I’m too lazy to get a job, too lazy to get a job
I bludge on the dole

I’m an yobbo, I wear singlet stubbies and thongs
And I live in the outback of Australia
Yeah the outback of Australia, the outback of Australia
My house is a tin shack in the outback of Australia

I’m too pissed for my, too lazy for my, too smelly for my

‘Cos I’m a yobbo, I drive a Kingswood ute
It is rusty and drive like a bomb
Yeah like a bomb, like a bomb
My ute is rusty and drives like a bomb

I’m too blokey for my mates, too blokey for my mates
I have a thickest Australian accent
I’m too chauvinistic for my wife, too chauvinistic for my wife
My wife’s gonna leave
And I’m too yobbo for this song

 

Motel Mexicana

Parody of “Hotel California” by The Eagles.

In a dark musty hallway,a few friends standing there,
Worn shells of fajitas-lying under a chair..
I bumped my head on the big vents,
and watched  the shattering lights..
My hombre said he & his ride moved in-
Their cab had dropped out of sight….

Pepe stood in the doorway..
He smelled like Taco Bell..
And I was drinking by myself
My seagram’s seven and a fifth of cheap ale..

Said he hit up a vandal,and he owed me my pay
There were pesos down his corduroys..
He  robbed his work that day..

Welcome to the Motel Mexicana
Just a grubby place…(just a grubby place)
Such an ugly place..

There’s plenty of gloom at the Motel Mexicana-
Any kind of beer,you can buy it here..

The wine is simply unfit it’s-
Not for your eighty friends..
We knocked a lot of greedy,greedy boys..
Then we  paid rent.

Howie glanced at the floor:”Are,
theeeeeeeeese summer ants?”
Jose said:”no remember.”
Juan said:”I forget..”

So I called to the fat man:
“Pleeeeeeeease bring me more lime..”
He said:”We haven’t had that citrus here since,
Fried beans hit the sign..”

And grilled ‘ole oysters were falling
From Carlo’s tray..
They shake you up in the middle of the night-
Just to hurl away..

Welcome to the Motel Mexicana
Just a grubby place..(such a grubby place)
Such an ugly place…(ugly place)

They piggin’ it up at the Motel Mexicana
Lotta mice ….surprise!
They sing you lullabies…

Roaches on the ceiling..
They drink my warm Bud Ice..
The flea bed-
And my guitar keep me prisoner here..
With my spanish rice.

And in the bathroom chamber,
They’d rather horde in peace..
I grab them but they run for their life..
But you just can’t kill these fleas!!

That Spring I remember..
This guy was,spraying down my door..
Had I the mind,had I turned my back,
My face-they’d have gnawed to the floor..
“Step back,” said the bug man..
“We are now going to leave..
Make your check out anyway you like..
Just make it out to me…”

 

With a Big Rock

7 o’ clock gotta get up

Alarm clock, mom yelling at me

See her downstairs

Time for a shower

Went to the school bus stop

Waited at the bus stop with my friends

Only had one, sorry

Waited with my friend, his name is Tommy

He (?)

He (?)

He (?)

Some other kid came up

Asked me for a match

I said, “I dont have one”

The bus was taking an unusual amount of time

Taking its time

I said I don’t got a match, sorry buddy

They didnt like me, they didnt like my pants either

They said, “You dont have a match, well”

You arent going to have any front teeth

They knocked them out

With a big rock

I didn’t cry

Ran home with blood in my mouth tears in my eyes, on my cheeks

Blood on my pants

I was bummin

Sorry I have no teeth mom

Kids knocked them out at the bus stop

Don’t send me to school again

 

Yobbo’s Paradise

Parody of “Gangster’s Paradise” by Coolio

————————–

As I walk to the pub where to get pissed with my mates
I take look at my Kingswood ute and realize it’s a rusty bomb
But that’s just perfect for a yobbo like me
Because it’s has room in the back for slabs of VB
On Friday night I’m watchin’ footy on TV
While drinkin’ VB and eating meat pies… Oi!
And I’ve been a chauvinistic pig for so long that
My wife has divorced me and is now long gone
I’m the bloke of my house, it’s always a mess
Cigarette butts on the floor and beer cans on the couch
I never take a shower nor brush my teeth
I’m 45 years old a living like a pig

We’ve spent most our lives
Living in a yobbos paradise
I get shitfaced at the pub every night
Living in a yobbos paradise
I do some hard yakka once or twice
Living in a yobbos paradise
I live on beer and pies
Living in a yobbos paradise

I’ve been driving my mates around in my ute last week
They were in the back tray with a fews slab of VB
We were heading to the footy, to watch the game
Footy is our religion and the church is the game
I’ve never had a job, I’ve been bludgin’ on the dole
A yobbo in a tuxedo? You know that’s unheard of
I wear a shearers singlet and stubby shorts
And my mates all agree I look cool wearing thongs… Oi!
My backyard dunny is so pongy that you’ll suffocate to tears
I haven’t cleaned the bloody thing in 25 years
We are very uncultured and don’t give a shit
We’re also hygienically impaired

There’s no computer, no widescreen TV, no DVD
Not a single piece of modern technology
Just a 1970s colour TV
To watch the footy and drink a VB

We’ve spent most our lives
Living in a yobbos paradise
My house is infested rats and flies
Living in a yobbos paradise
I hate the new age guys
Living in a yobbo’s paradise
I change my jocks maybe once or twice
Living in a yobbos paradise

Drinkin’ slabs of VB, eating lots of meat pies
I’m growing a beer gut, and I tell lots of lies
Think you’re really lazy? Think you’re a bargearse?
Well, after I shit in the dunny I never wipe my arse
I’m the typical Australian ocker with a thick Aussie accent
Everytime I’m on the piss I go off my rocker
So don’t expect favours from me and don’t put me off
Otherwise I’ll have to tell you to “piss off”

We’ve spent most our lives
Living in a yobbos paradise
I watch footy on TV Friday nights
Living in a yobbos paradise
I mow the lawn maybe once or twice
Living in a yobbos paradise
My hair is full of lice
Living in a yobbos paradise

 

Moo Moo Moo Moo

Parody of “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by The Crash Test Dummies.

———————-

Once there was this cow who
Was on heat and broke into the bull paddock
And when she finally came back
She had a family of 675 calves
It was from when
She mated with all the bulls

Moo Moo Moo Moo
Moo Moo Moo Moo

Once there was this bull who
Was teased by some stupid hick farmer
And when the farmer wasn’t looking
The bull charged up and bucked him hard
The farmer was rushed to hospital
With bull horns stuck in his buttcheeks

Moo Moo Moo Moo
Moo Moo Moo Moo

Both bull and cow had their fun
Having calves and bucking stupid farmers

And then there was this calf who
Had malfunctioning bowels and couldn’t stop shitting
And when it was grazing season
The paddock was absolutely covered in cow patties
The farmer made big bucks
Selling cow manure

Moo Moo Moo Moo
Moo Moo Moo Moo