Joke #18605

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

“The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, “Okay, A minus.”


Joke #18604

Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, “These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”


Joke #18603

I work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was asked to do a price check.

The cashier explained to me that a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00, but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade math.


Joke #18601

When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he’d found inside the dryer. He didn’t know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job.

“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”


Joke #18600

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, “Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?”


Joke #18599

My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.

But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision.  Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, “Is there anything in the store for men?”

“Sir,” she said, “everything in this store is for men.”


Joke #18598

The fur began to fly when my fellow airplane passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flights out of Aspen.

When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got. Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, “Those of you continuing on to L.A. please wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over.”


Joke #18597

The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.

Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly called him back, “Hey, where’s your lift ticket?”

“I don’t need a ticket to ride this tow.”

At this, the tow operator produced an axe and, with two blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner’s skis, just ahead of his toes. With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator lowered his axe and turned to the crowd, “Anyone else out there who doesn’t have a lift ticket?”


Joke #18596

When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation. But when I grew up I found out I wasn’t qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.

I’m always pushing the envelope!


Joke #18595

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.

For years, customers complained about our postcard-sized bills — which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes.

The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, “Is this some kind of joke?” When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was,

“Coming soon! New Larger Bills!”


Joke #18594

Dining out one evening I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table.

When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn’t come out.

“That’s ok,” she said as she took her camera back. “I always get double prints.”


Joke #18593

My husband David’s colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.

When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, “Get me out!”

“Don’t worry,” David replied, “Maintenance should be sending somebody.”

“They did,” said the voice.


Joke #18592

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.  The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when  e noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my little friend?”

The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?”

The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.”


Joke #18590

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words “Rough Road.”