Joke #18609

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

“Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”

 

Joke #18608

After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service, their beloved fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously “retired.”

Still in the prime of his life and bearing one of the world’s most recognizable faces, he quickly found work as a spokesman for the world’s leading exporter of diamonds.

He’s now working as “Smokey DeBeers.”

 

Joke #18607

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”

 

Joke #18606

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

 

Joke #18605

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

“The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, “Okay, A minus.”

 

Joke #18604

Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, “These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”

 

Joke #18603

I work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was asked to do a price check.

The cashier explained to me that a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00, but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade math.

 

Joke #18601

When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he’d found inside the dryer. He didn’t know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job.

“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”

 

Joke #18600

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, “Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?”

 

Joke #18599

My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.

But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision.  Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, “Is there anything in the store for men?”

“Sir,” she said, “everything in this store is for men.”

 

Joke #18598

The fur began to fly when my fellow airplane passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flights out of Aspen.

When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got. Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, “Those of you continuing on to L.A. please wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over.”

 

Joke #18597

The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.

Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly called him back, “Hey, where’s your lift ticket?”

“I don’t need a ticket to ride this tow.”

At this, the tow operator produced an axe and, with two blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner’s skis, just ahead of his toes. With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator lowered his axe and turned to the crowd, “Anyone else out there who doesn’t have a lift ticket?”

 

Joke #18596

When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation. But when I grew up I found out I wasn’t qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.

I’m always pushing the envelope!

 

Joke #18595

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.

For years, customers complained about our postcard-sized bills — which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes.

The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, “Is this some kind of joke?” When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was,

“Coming soon! New Larger Bills!”