The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center’s high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
“Well,” said the director, eyes twinkling, “today we are studying the children’s favorite philosopher: Play-Doh.”
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.
“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.”
“But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.
“Yes.” The man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore!”
Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions” that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”
She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”
Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”
Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”
Somewhat skeptical of his son’s new-found determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”
“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.
“Please, Dad?”
“They’re not cheap either.”
“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Crabs walk side-ways and we walk straight.”
“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..
“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Scissors?”
While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if they wouldn’t mind taking a picture of me.
“Oh, sorry,” the man answered, “but we only have two pictures left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge.”
A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the resettlement influxes.
He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers). He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems with the English language, being a new resident. In order to keep body and soul together while going to English classes, he took up barbering.
Soon, he became a very good barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves.
Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,
“You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”
“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”
“Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”
After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service, their beloved fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously “retired.”
Still in the prime of his life and bearing one of the world’s most recognizable faces, he quickly found work as a spokesman for the world’s leading exporter of diamonds.
He’s now working as “Smokey DeBeers.”
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
“The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, “Okay, A minus.”
Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.
“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, “These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”
And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”
“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.
“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”
I work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was asked to do a price check.
The cashier explained to me that a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00, but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade math.