Alien: Resurrection Song

So there’s an Alien behind and he’s breathin’ down on me,
And whoah! His breath is really stinky
So I take out a gun,
Blow him away,
Say goodbye as I blow him into next Thursday,
yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum

dododododododododo dododododododododo

Now I’m walking down a hall, looking left and right.
If someone attacks, I’ll make sure to put up a good fight.
Then 1, 2, out of the wall,
Blow them away and watch their bodies fall,
Ohh yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum

They gots oblong heads,
Big black eyes,
But you gotta see what happens when they’re electrified,
oh, yeah, gotta kill that Alien scum…

Oh, yeah, gotta kill that Alien scuuuuuuuum! Whoohee!!!

Thank yew, thank yew very much.

 

AOL SUCKS

AOL sucks, and you know why?

When you call them and tell them AOL fucked up, I think they blame it’s your OS because they don’t want you to quit using AOL because they want the money from you and they don’t care about your problems. And they say AOL is so easy to use. Yeah right. Half the time the buttons freeze, the damn web-pages don’t load, and all my other internet programs (mIRC, Internet Explorer, Telnet) are not working, maybe because AOL is programmed to shut down all other internet applications except itself. And they say AOL is so friendly. Bullshit. Why, I don’t know how many IMs I’ve got from weirdos advertising porn. Most unmoderated member created chatrooms are corrupted; full of teenage agast, insults, and half-brained idiots saying things like “u sux” and “ur gay” and “a/s/l” and “hey wanna cybr?”

It makes me sick!

KILL AOL!

 

#8536: Boxtop11 -> Bd8Destructo5

Boxtop11: Who’s Master?

Bd8Destructo5: my stuffed bunny

Bd8Destructo5: he talkles to me

Bd8Destructo5: he tells me to do things that i don’t want 2 do

Boxtop11: Well, I have this imp named Bobo in my mind who talks to me.

Boxtop11: He likes cheese, and he keeps urging me to go to Wisconsin.

Bd8Destructo5: does he make u call him Master? like my bunny

Boxtop11: No.

Bd8Destructo5: oh well mine beats me in my toilet and flush

Bd8Destructo5: with a carrot

Bd8Destructo5: hard

Bd8Destructo5: hello

Boxtop11: Master must be possessed.

Bd8Destructo5: master say’s i need big big pants that are tight and wet and
warm

Bd8Destructo5: oooooh

Bd8Destructo5: oh yeah ophhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bd8Destructo5: hello

Boxtop11: What?

Bd8Destructo5: chickenbutt

Boxtop11: Bobo is scared of you.

Boxtop11: He says that you need help.

Bd8Destructo5: i’m not that ugly

Boxtop11: Bobo didn’t say you were ugly.

Bd8Destructo5: master say’s i am

Bd8Destructo5: i telling

Bd8Destructo5: master

Bd8Destructo5: master?

Boxtop11: Bobo says you need to go to your nearest church and get Master
exorcised.

Bd8Destructo5: will you be my new master i’ll feed u carrots

Bd8Destructo5: hello

Boxtop11: Bobo would rather not.

Bd8Destructo5: you not hobo

Bd8Destructo5: i mean bob0o

Boxtop11: I never said I was a hobo.

Boxtop11: Or a bob0o

Bd8Destructo5: oh

Bd8Destructo5: i knew that

Bd8Destructo5: master a hobo

Bd8Destructo5: master

Bd8Destructo5: master????

Bd8Destructo5: hello

Bd8Destructo5: hello?

Boxtop11: Oh. Well, Bobo’s pet Goomba can do flips.

Boxtop11: yayayayaya

Bd8Destructo5: master says HOBO

Bd8Destructo5: master likes the letter B

Boxtop11: Bobo says Master should go eat a cheeseburger while driving a Bush
3,000 miles per hour off a cliff.

Boxtop11: B is for Barnacles.

Bd8Destructo5: THIS IS NOT SPONGEBOB

Boxtop11: Who is it then? Frankenstien? HI FRANK

Bd8Destructo5: MASTER NEEDS A SPONGEBOB

Boxtop11: WELL GO BUY THE SPONGEBOB DVD DANGIT

Bd8Destructo5: OK

Bd8Destructo5: WAIT I HAVE IT

Bd8Destructo5: WHAT DVD

Bd8Destructo5: DOES IT HAVE SPONGEBOBIN ITR

Boxtop11: THE PIPEN SHMOOGEN DVD

Boxtop11: YEAH AND HE DOES A DANCE IN A CHINA SHOP

Bd8Destructo5: BYE JUST KIDDIN

Boxtop11: that was funni hahah

Bd8Destructo5: I NO

Boxtop11: Bobo is eatting pie right now.

Bd8Destructo5: I AM EATING MY TOE

Bd8Destructo5: THE BIG TOE

Boxtop11: I have toe fungus. Want some?

Bd8Destructo5: WANTS SOM

Boxtop11: Only $4.99 plus shipping and handling.

Bd8Destructo5: I PASS

Boxtop11: THEN DO YOU WANT SOME NOODLES

Bd8Destructo5: WHAT KIND

Boxtop11: PANANANANANANANANANREMASTRELLI

Bd8Destructo5: UI DON’TSPE3AK STUPID

Boxtop11: WHATHDJ>G

Bd8Destructo5: G-UNIT’

Boxtop11: WHAT ABOUT GUNDAM?

Bd8Destructo5: G-UNIT

Boxtop11: whozzat

Bd8Destructo5: GANSTER

Boxtop11: GANSTER BOTTLE

Bd8Destructo5: FDGYAHRUIAHREGJHDEFGIU I TOLD U I DO’T SPEAK STUPID

Boxtop11: WELL I YOU OBVIOUSLY DONT SPEAK SMART

Bd8Destructo5: SHHHHHH

Boxtop11: y

Bd8Destructo5: MASTER GIVES ME MEDICINE FOR THAT

Bd8Destructo5: Y?

Boxtop11: Bobo says Master is evil.

Bd8Destructo5: :X

Boxtop11: HE SELLS YOU OVERPRISED MEDICINE DANG IT

Bd8Destructo5: HE IS COMING BYE

Boxtop11: ok

Bd8Destructo5: JUST KIDDIN

Bd8Destructo5: OH MASTER

Boxtop11: yeah well master doesn’t know where I live.

Boxtop11: Bobo is watching television.

Bd8Destructo5: YES HE DOES YOU ARE THE HOBO IMEAN BOBO IMEAN GIRL I MEAN
STUPID 1

Boxtop11: I AM NOT A GIRL

Boxtop11: I DEW NOT LIKE ‘EM

Bd8Destructo5: I TOLD YOU MASTER SHE IS NOT A GUY

Boxtop11: I AM NOT A GIRL FRANKENPANTS

Bd8Destructo5: HJELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Boxtop11: JELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Bd8Destructo5: HOW OLD R U???????????

Boxtop11: NEENOONEENOONEENOONEENOO

Boxtop11: -5251 YRS OLD

Bd8Destructo5: I’M 1

Boxtop11: WOW

Bd8Destructo5: 3

Bd8Destructo5: PUT 1AND 3 TOGETHER

Boxtop11: WOW YOU DOUBLED YOUR AGE IN 4 MICROSECONDS

Bd8Destructo5: BYE

Boxtop11: 1 + 3 = Q! YAY 4 ME

Bd8Destructo5: JUST KID

Boxtop11: LOOK OUTSIDE THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED

Boxtop11: JUST KID

Bd8Destructo5: ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]I DID

Boxtop11: OK

Boxtop11: GO EAT SOME PIE

Bd8Destructo5: WHAT?

Bd8Destructo5: NO

Boxtop11: I AM THE MASTER OF INSANITY

Boxtop11: BOW BEFORE MY INCREDUMBLE MIGHT

Bd8Destructo5: NO I AM

Bd8Destructo5: HE#####NO

Boxtop11: WHATS A #

Bd8Destructo5: LL

Boxtop11: OH WEOE

Boxtop11: WEEWEE

Boxtop11: BOW DOWN TO LORD SNUFFLEPUSS

Bd8Destructo5: OK

Boxtop11: UM I MEAN SNUFFLEUPAGUS

Bd8Destructo5: OK

Boxtop11: DO YOU HAVE ANY INSANE FWEINDS

Bd8Destructo5: YES

Boxtop11: WHO THEY BE

Bd8Destructo5: MASTER

Boxtop11: DOES MASTER HAVE A WEB SITE?

Bd8Destructo5: YES

Bd8Destructo5: ITS CALLED RED-RUM

Boxtop11: what is the address

Bd8Destructo5: I DONT KNOW

Boxtop11: OK

Boxtop11: FUFUFF

Bd8Destructo5: MASTER DOESNT LET ME GO OUTSIDE

Bd8Destructo5: THE LIGHT

Boxtop11: OH DEAR

Boxtop11: HE MUST BE A VAMPIRE

Bd8Destructo5: HE IS A BUNNY VAMIRE

Bd8Destructo5: DRACUNNY

Boxtop11: DOES HE SUCK BLOOD AT NITE

Bd8Destructo5: HE SUCKS MY BLOOD

Boxtop11: SO R U A VAMIRE

Bd8Destructo5: YES,I SUCK MY BLOOD

Boxtop11: MUST BE TASTY

Bd8Destructo5: IT IS

Boxtop11: IS MASTER AN AGENT OF THE MATRIX?

Bd8Destructo5: YESSSSSSSSS

Boxtop11: oh dear

Boxtop11: OH DEAR WE ARE ALL DAYED.

Bd8Destructo5: HE SHOOTS ME

Boxtop11: AND DO YOU GET DEPIXELATED

Bd8Destructo5: YES

Boxtop11: AH LOCO IN THE CABESA

Boxtop11: DID HE KILL PIKACHU?

Bd8Destructo5: ME TOO

Boxtop11: I DO SEE

Bd8Destructo5: MASTER

Bd8Destructo5: STARTS

Bd8Destructo5: WITH

Bd8Destructo5: B

Boxtop11: BASTER?

Boxtop11: omg master is BUSTER BUNNY?

Bd8Destructo5: YES

Boxtop11: poor tiny toons

Boxtop11: LOOK OUT HERE COMES INVADER ZIM

Bd8Destructo5: MASTER OWNS TINY TOONS

Boxtop11: AHH MY PANCREAS

Bd8Destructo5: ME TOO

Boxtop11: YES

Bd8Destructo5: YES NO MAYBE SO,MASTER BEATS ME WITH A GI-JO

Boxtop11: OWCH

Bd8Destructo5: VOICES ARE IN MY HEAD

Bd8Destructo5: I CANT ISTEN 2 THEM ALL AT ONCE

Bd8Destructo5: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bd8Destructo5: BOOM

Boxtop11: Bobo is eatting a cheeseburger

Boxtop11: MMM PICKLES

Bd8Destructo5: I C TRAIN TRACKS,I SEE TRAIN,BOOM

Boxtop11: OMG THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE

Bd8Destructo5: HE BEATS ME 2

Boxtop11: WHAT ABOUT HAMTARO

Bd8Destructo5: HIM TO

Boxtop11: HAMTARO WORKS FOR THE KIDS NEXT DOOR DID U KNO

Bd8Destructo5: HE’S FRIENDS WITH MASTER BUNNY

Boxtop11: OH DR

Bd8Destructo5: DEAR

Boxtop11: WELL I MUST NOW ESCAPE TO MY FORT OF SOLITUDE CYA

Bd8Destructo5: BYE

 

Gunman Chronicles (PC) Review

Developer: Rewolf / Publisher: Sierra

Overview:

When I first saw Gunman Chronicles, I thought it would be a cool sci-fi action game with robots and aliens. After all, it was backed by the Half Life engine. When I first PLAYED it, I thought it was a Half-Life suck-up. Boy, was I wrong…somewhat, on both accounts…but don’t get out your checkbook yet; this game still sucks.

From what I read, Gunman Chronicles was actually made as a total conversion for Half-Life (which would explain the frightening similarities in game play: the main menu, the tram ride intro, the same gibs flying, even the listing of “Half-Life” in my ctrl-alt-delete menu.) The bad move came when Valve and Sierra, impressed with the effort Rewolf Studios, a group of kids from different parts of the world (who never met each other, ANOTHER bad move,) put into the mod, took Rewolf under their wing and put their project out as a stand alone retail game. As far as I’m concerned, this game is only for the die-hard FPS fan who likes to blow stuff up…like me. Other than that, the game sucks, and needs a HELL of a lot of work.

The plot is a bit Half-Lifeish: You are Major Archer, the leader of the Gunmen, the law of the galaxy. On one mission to explore a planet, giant worms jump out and start eating some of the men (I know.) Your general, the “brave” man that he was, tries to save your men, but as you and your men run like bats out of hell to escape, the general’s ship gets attacked and swallowed in one gulp. Right now, the general is grade-A pissed that you left him there, whining all the time that you “forgot” that silicon-based creatures can’t digest organic matter. So after he frees himself, he tries to kill you.

Jumping into the fray are the Xenomes (Xen….Xenomes…are you getting the picture yet?), genetically engineered killers. You have to fight these freaks the majority of the game. Then comes the Mainframe, a hard-assed computer with a bloodlust, who joins you later in your quest and helps you along.

Gameplay (5/10):

The game starts you off in this big station. The nice thing about this game is the training mission is incorperated into the game, so you get hands-on training right before you go out and kick ass. But there is one flaw: All the soilders look and talk the same. And another thing: they all sound like game show announcers; I was almost expecting them to say, “Heeeeere’s Johnny!”

The only vechile (sic?) you get to drive is a tank, but it makes up for that by being invincible and well equipped: a cannon, two machine guns, and a (one) homing missile launcher, all with unlimited ammo. Other than that, you’re mostly on foot…with guns. There are less than 10 weapons, but the game also makes up for this by allowing you to customize the guns by right mouse clicking to bring up an interface. Most of the weapons suck, however, for the exception of the shotgun and Mecha gun (a modified version of a machine gun.) The sniper rifle is good for headshots, and the M.U.L.E portable rocket launcher is good for nuking masses of enemies and clearing out areas, but other than that, the weapons blow.

After you get to the second planet, the Mainframe sics its drones on you. The thing is, the Mainframe hardly sounds like a computer and more like someone hollering over an intercom. All that aside, you’re basically fighting drones and Xenomes until you make friends with the Mainframe and it calls off its drones. These fellows become trusty allies with their firepower, so watch your fire when you’re blasting Xenomes with drones in the way. The cool thing is the escape sequence, where, while you’re trying to get to the Aerial Drone that will take you to (crash land on) the third planet, drones and Xenomes are doing battle left and right.

The third planet is a desert, ruled by annoying scorpions which you can squish by just stepping on them. Their granddaddies take a lot more firepower to destroy, however. At some points guys fly around in crudely built helicopters trying to machine gun you down, but they can be shot down with two blasts from the sniper rifle or a shot from the tank’s cannon. When you drop into the secret bunker, though, things really start to kick up.

Oh, and the cacti CAN hurt you, but not much.

The thing that sucks is that the end battle (and the entire game, for that matter) is too easy. During the end, you have to protect the Mainframe’s new drone from these ugly little Xenomes (who look exactly like minature versions of Half-Life 2’s Ant Lion and are equally as annoying as Half-Life’s headcrabs) while the Mainframe nukes the General’s big-ass machine. And the General dies too easily: he gets eatten again in a cutscene. It would of been more satisfying to rip him to shreads myself.

The thing I like about the game is there’s guts galore. Gibs sprinkled here and there really make the FPS, although the guys explode too easily.

I also liked the endgame movie, where the Gunman High Command lays waste to some Xenomes.

Rated five out of ten because the gameplay is too Half-Life and gets boring fast for anyone who isn’t a die hard FPS fan.

Graphics (7/10):

I find it wrong to shoot a game down just because the graphics suck, but since almost everything about this game sucked, I can make an exception. The graphics were great, but not “oh-my-god-is-that-Half-Life-2?” great. The models of characters could of been rendered a bit better and the skins made a bit cleaner…and would more variety kill you people? With so many dudes looking the same it’s enough to give a person deja-vu.

Sound/Music (4/10):

Some of the sounds are hollow, like they were “recorded in a metal drum.” (PC Gamer.) The voice-acting doesn’t capture the emotion of the game, and the General’s laugh sucks. Plus I would of liked it if the Mainframe sounded more like a computer than Whoopi Goldberg on a bad day. The only thing that kicks ass is the music, which you can play on your CD player.

Crappiest Part:

The annoying, but laughable, glitches. There’s one I call the “dead-man-walking” glitch where some of the guys you kill stand back up. They don’t attack or anything, they just stand there and you can’t shoot them down again. But it’s funny to see a guy with no head standing upright.

Another bug I’ve noticed is on the third planet. When trying to climb down the cliff-face, I fell and got stuck. I can’t jump off, but I could shoot myself off or blow myself up. This bug REALLY sucks when you’ve saved the game at that point.

The worst bug is that you can’t get back to the main menu, which means you better figure out which button is the quick-save button (F6) and you’ll have to press ctrl-alt-delete to quit the game. Blame that and my crappy screenshot program for the lack of Gunman Chronicles screen shots.

Another annoying thing is that every so often I have to reinstall the game because it won’t load. And sometimes it doesn’t even work then.

Overall Score:

This game is fun for those who like to blow stuff up and waste people, but other than that it isn’t worth the Alexander Hamilton.

And in the immortal words of the April Fool, “What’s up with that?”

Overall: 16/30 (53%)

(basically, a 5/10)