Joke #21018: Voodoo Dick

A guy goes on vacation, and finds a rare an exotic porn shop. He goes in and asks the clerk if he has anything special that he could give to his wife.

The guys says that he has a “voodoo dick” which is a one of a kind dildo that fucks whatever you tell it to on demand. The buyer doesn’t believe him and asks for a demonstration. The clerk says, “voodoo dick the door” and the dildo immediately humps the door so vigorously that it falls down. The guy agrees to buy it for a tidy sum, and the clerk tells him to remember that the only way to get it to stop is to say “voodoo dick off.”

So the guy brings it home and his wife is thrilled. The next day while he’s at work, she quickly gets it out and says, “voodoo dick my pussy”. After an hour of this, she has to get ready for work, but she can’t remember how to turn it off, so she tries to drive to her husbands work with the voodoo dick in her.

Unfortunately, she can’t drive like this and swerves all over the road. Eventually, a cop pulls her over and asks what the problem is. She scream, “I can’t get this voodoo dick to stop humping me!”

And the police officer quickly responds, “voodoo dick my ass.”

 

Joke #21017: Tee For 2

A man is having an affair with his wife and decides to stay round his new found lovers house for the night.  They decide to have an all nighter.

In the morning the lover decides to ask the man how is he going to explain his absence.  He tells her to go outside and rub his shoes on the grass.  The woman does it, but is confused.

When he goes back to his own house, the wife asks “Where have you been?”

The man replies “I’m sorry but I’m having an affair with you.”

The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You liar, you’ve been out playing golf all night!”

 

Hcaz and Ikik

Once upon a time, yee yonders ago, ok maybe it was last week…BUT ANYWAYS!  There was a big, green, sharp tooth T-Rex named Hcaz Lizard.  Hcaz didn’t have many friends because whenever he tried to have a conversation with the other dinosaurs he would “RAWR” loudly, but Hcaz couldn’t help it.  He was just born with a loud Rawr.

So, Hcaz usually scared all the other dinosaurs away.  Everyone though Hcaz was a bloodthirsty, meat-loving T-Rex but in fact he was the very opposite of that.  he loved to eat herbs, grass, trees, and vegetables.  Hcaz didn’t believe in killing animals to eat, plus it was too messy with all the blood everywhere.

One day while Hcaz was sleeping, a vegetarian thief stole all the veggies, herbs, grass, and trees.  All the other dinosaurs rejoiced because they hated that stuff.  When Hcaz woke up, he was hungry as usual and decided to eat a tree.  He set out to find a delicious looking tree, but there were none left!  🙁

Hcaz was heartbroken and didn’t know what to do.  All the other dinosaurs were happy because since Hcaz had no more food he would soon die.

One of the toddler dinosaurs named Ikik felt bad for Hcaz, she didn’t want him to die.  Hcaz has been in his cave since the disappearance of his food, so one day Ikik decided to give Hcaz a piece of her meat, she set out on a journey to Hcaz’s cave.

When she arrived, she was scared.  But she knew she had to do it.  Hcaz was sleeping when he heard her footsteps.  Usually Hcaz would have said “Leave me alone!” but he was too sad.

Ikik told Hcaz, “I brought you meat, you need to eat!”  Hcaz said in a loud “Rawr”: “NO, but thanks!”

Ikik was scared because it sounded like thunder but she knew he was nice because he said thanks.  Ikik began talking to him and he still had a loud rawr, but she understood why.  Hcaz and Ikik talked and talked until she had to go home, but she said she would come back tomorrow.  From that day on Ikik and Hcaz were good friends all because of a piece of meat.  Until Hcaz died of starvation, that is.

The End.

Moral of the story: If you’re a vegetarian and you have to eat meat to survive, maybe you should.

 

Bad Submission #18958

This form was submitted: Feb 26 2005 / 06:49:44

name = kelly AKA kitty kat
bjoke = i waz ova my blondes friends house when i go hey i brought ove sum scatch and sniff stickes wanna c them ……she goes sure .lets take em’ to the pool with us so we can swim to!
so when we get into the pool and she sais my favorite flavor is watermelon …….find a sticker that smells like watermellon !
after i found one she gets excited but i dropped it at the bottom of the pool ….. she goes thats ok , swims to the bottom of the pool and smells it !!!!!!!!!i never heard from her again !