Tag Archives: theory

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

The Lost Money Theory

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There is a lot of money that goes unspent.  In fact it is so unspent that it is LOST.

I’m not talking about money burned down in a fire or whatever.  I’m talking about money that still exists in the form it was created in, but is in a place where it will never be used again.

Take for example, a lowly penny on the ground.  Pennies are worth less than the metal that is used to create it.  Not only is this two cent piece of metal only worth one cent, but to some its not even worth keeping.  It gets thrown away into a trash can or stuffed into an empty soda bottle and shipped off to a landfill.

How many thrown away coins are sitting in landfills right now?  How much “accidentally” thrown away money is sitting somewhere never to be used again?

It is in my professional opinion that there is enough to take a damper on the economy.  We’ve ultimately wasted resources to create things that are meant to be used, only to have them thrown away.  How many millions of times would that penny have passed through hands?  How many times would that torn up one dollar bill been passed through a stripper’s ass crack?

These are trying times, friends.  We need to take a look at how we physically use our money.  We need to make sure every penny is spent wisely, and not thrown away.  We need to press our pennies into weird shapes at amusement parks for 50 cents.  Avoid throwing pennies into wishing fountains that do not get cleaned out regularly.  A lake is not a wishing fountain, do not throw your nickels and dimes into lakes.  Instead, throw it off the Empire State Building, where it can implant itself into someone’s head, to be removed at a later date and spent on a Snickers bar by the doctor who just spent 8 hours in surgery trying to remove it.

We must not devalue the very thing that is tantamount to our culture — money.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Intersections: Phenomena or Conspiracy?

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Stupid intersections.

For example, you’re walking down the street, toward an intersection of 2 streets. As you walk toward it, not a car is there, but…as you get closer and you’re about to go across the street, the cars come from all ways, making your crossing all the more difficult, not to mention all the people driving the cars are usually idiots, almost running you over and such. Or if they don’t see you and cut in front of you, smiling and waving.

CROCK OF SHIT THAT’LL DO FOR YOU, THEY ALMOST RAN ME THE FUCK OVER, WHY SHOULD I BE SMILING AND WAVING BACK TO THEM? “THANKS FOR ALMOST RUNNING ME OVER, YOU GOT LUCKY THIS TIME!”

Then, as soon as you go across, they’re gone. No more cars. Its all bullshit really, its like all those people plan to go into the intersection at the same time as you.

Is it a conspiracy? Maybe.

Is it a phenomena? I don’t give a shit.

I’m just pissed off at intersections, and you should hate them too.

World, Screwed Up Chronicles

5 Is the Max: The Phone Call Theory

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So, say you want to call your good friend so you can go hang out somewhere and possibly go somewhere to eat. Now, let’s put two of your favorite people in the world, davepoobond and Soup Nazi into this situation. Soup Nazi’s phone is fucked up for whatever reason, and davepoobond is trying to call him so they can go and do something, like eat a burger. Davepoobond not being able to contact Soup Nazi is a predicament, now, isn’t it? How many times is “enough” to try and contact a friend so you can go and do something together because you’re bored? Davepoobond and Soup Nazi are good friends, but not good enough to warrant any more than a maximum of five calls from davepoobond. Anything more than five calls may and SHOULD be translated as a stalker or someone that is trying to get into your pants.

The rule I propose is that if you are trying to contact someone just to hang out and do nothing important in particular, you are given a maximum of five tries to contact someone. The count resets once you actually make contact. However, this should never be broken unless you ABSOLUTELY need something from this particular person you’re calling. The only thing that would qualify for the need would be something like large amounts of money (we’re talking tens here, baby), ass, returning of a loaned out item, drugs (if you really need a hook up), or if your liver is about to fall out. In these cases, you’re allowed one extra call, adding up to six.

You’re a fucking psycho if you call someone more than five or six times.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

The Year Theory

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What the government doesn’t want you to know.

This is my conspiracy theory. it is really one year later than we think it is (so 2003=2004, 2004=2005, etc). this is because the millenium bug completely messed up the whole world and a load of really crazy stuff happened. roads exploded, cd’s flew around like frisbees, hi-fi’s started playing really bad music which in turn drove people insane. the government decide to drug everyone in the world (except themselves of course….you dunmb ass). anyway the goverment drugged everyone through food and water supply which made everyone sleep for a whole year. during this year the government poeple fixed all the crazy crap that was happening so that we could live normally. unfortunately, everyone pooped themselves many times over as a result of being asleep for so long. (yeah, come on. admit it. you pooped yourself). that was the only explanation i could come up with for crapping in my bed a few years back. PEACE.