1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I’m tired. I think I’ll stop working.

Car Battery: Now I can retire. The best years are ahead of me! (Dies.)

Bob Hope: That’s why I’m not retiring.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I was driven around by a very hairy kid for three and a half years. Time to rest on the driveway and do nothing.

(Meanwhile…)

One-legged Squirrel: Life isn’t as great with just one leg.

One-legged Starfish: Well, you only lost one leg.

One-legged Squirrel: So?

One-legged Starfish: I lost four of mine to a jet ski.

One-legged Squirrel: Um… can’t you grow legs back?

One-legged Starfish: Yeah, but it’s hard. Plus I’m in a union.

One-legged Squirrel: Ahhh. So you let management worry about it.

One-legged Starfish: Basically. It’s great to be a well paid echinoderm.

One-legged Squirrel: Hey, my best girl is late. Where do you suppose she is?

Flattened Two-legged Female Squirrel: AACK!

One-legged Squirrel: Oh no, my girlfriend! She has two legs, but she’s flattened!

One-legged Starfish: That would make sense, given her name in the script.

One-legged Squirrel: I will not let you be forgotten! Someone must pay!

One-legged Starfish: Yeah, probably the car that ran her over.

One-legged Squirrel: Perhaps, but it’s faster than me, and it’s already gone. I shall take my anger out on a parked car of the same color.

One-legged Starfish: What color was it?

One-legged Squirrel: How should I know? (Looks around frantically.) There’s a white one. Let’s get it.

(One-legged Squirrel meanders its way towards 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Do you hear something, garage door?

Garage Door: (Says nothing. It’s just a normal garage door.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Oh, of all the inanimate objects to not have a speaking part… it sure is lonely here. And I’m pretty sure

something’s coming up from behind me.

One-legged Squirrel: It’s me! One of your kind ran over my girlfriend! And since he got away, I’m taking this out on you!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Who’s saying that? I can’t look behind me.

(Ten minutes later…)

One-legged Squirrel: There’s no escape!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Holy shit, for a raging lunatic of a squirrel, you sure are slow!

One-legged Squirrel: In the land of dead car batteries, the squirrel with one limb is king!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well, I didn’t vote for you.

Pat Buchanan: I did.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: In that case, would you mind giving me a push?

Pat Buchanan: Depends. Will you vote for me in the next election?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Not on purpose, but hey, you might get lucky again.

Pat Buchanan: Good enough for me.

(Pat Buchanan pushes 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix towards One-legged Squirrel.)

One-legged Squirrel: Uh-oh! Now the car is moving as fast as me, but in the opposite direction! This is one math problem I don’t want to figure out!

Pat Buchanan: Excellent! He’s trying to turn around!

(One-legged Squirrel attempts to turn around, but since he has one leg, it’s really hard.)

One-legged Squirrel: Egads! I will be run over again!

Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Not if I can help it!

(Squirrel in a Wheelchair comes to the rescue, pulls One-legged Squirrel onto his wheelchair.)

One-legged Squirrel: I’m saved!

Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Now we roll to safety!

(Squirrel in a Wheelchair rolls out to the street, only to get run over by a Segway.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Keep pushing! We’re almost there!

Pat Buchanan: We already got him.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well I don’t see him.

Pat Buchanan: We went for that Y-shaped twig, right?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I don’t think so…

Pat Buchanan: How about that ant hill?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I really don’t know. It could have been. I need to hear it to know for sure.

Pat Buchanan: I’m tired. I better stop pushing. (Stops pushing.)

One-legged Starfish: GET… OFF… ME!!!