Yesterday, Godzilla woke up in the morning and said, “Uf! Yo estoy tarde!”
Godzilla took a shower.
Godzilla shaved his beard.
Godzilla got dressed.
Godzilla went to work, but it was Sunday!
Yesterday, Godzilla woke up in the morning and said, “Uf! Yo estoy tarde!”
Godzilla took a shower.
Godzilla shaved his beard.
Godzilla got dressed.
Godzilla went to work, but it was Sunday!
Q: Why did Godzilla swallow the freighter loaded with cocoa beans?
A: He loved chocolate ships (chips).
Q: Why did Godzilla wait till the end of the movie to eat the coin factory?
A: He thought it was an after-dinner mint.
Q: What’s big and terrible and trips a lot?
A: Clodzilla.
“Raughauhreauwah!” roared Godzilla.
“We have to stop him now!” said Bob the General guy as he smacked his fist into his hand.
“Hey!” said Bill the scientist, “I need to study it further. His single eyelash could hold the cure for cancer!”
“You stupid scientist, reptiles don’t have eyelashes!”
“How do you know?”
“Hack…..tooey!” spat the general as he spat in Bill’s face and pushed him out of the car.
“Now for my real mission,” growled Bob, “To build a flux capacitor to transform my Delorian into a time machine.”
Bob knew just what to do with a time machine.
“Hmm, yes,” said Bob, “You just wait…”
It took Bob three years and 237 viewings of “Back to the Future,” but he built his time machine. Meanwhile Godzilla had been destroyed by Bill. Bill then had quintuplets with Martha Stewart and now lived in a lovely six bedroom house in Sweden with a big backyard…but that’s another story.
Bob went forward in time to 2047 to visit John Connor, who never existed when Bob got there, but really did…I’ll get into that later.
“Hi,” said Bob
“Who are you?” said John
“Hey that’s a nice Terminator.”
“Yes. I reprogrammed it to protect me when I was a child.”
“Hey that’s great. I bet you can’t make it get in my car.”
“Like hell I can’t!”
Bob went back to 2002 with his Terminator, but the Terminator ran away looking for John Connor, whom had been killed only years earlier.
“Crap!” shouted Bob, “I sure suck at being a general! I don’t even have an army!”
Just then an artillery shell blew up next to him. He was blown into a bunch of pieces that all landed in trees.
Bill died 20 years later of an infection in his toenail.
The crappy end
Oh no! Godzilla is on a rampage in downtown Ida, Michigan! There is no way to stop him! “Well, actually,” said the really smart scientist guy, “there is a way to stop him.” “Really? Hmmm…no, I don’t believe it,” said the big mean general guy, “I say you are a dumb scientist who doesn’t know anything. I think we should blow him out into orbit with my new nukes I got!”
“NO!! You’ll KILL US ALL!!”
“Shut up, you crazy scientist whose plans never involve using my new nukes I got two weeks ago,” said the general. Then he put two fingers in the scientists face and said, “Two!…..do you see? Thats two weeks! Thats a lot of days! Do you realize that I could have had breakfast fourteen times in that span of time?? ….Actually, I did…that just shows you how long that is!”
“Alright, alright,” said the scientist, “you can use your nukes but as soon as they don’t work, I get to do my plan.”
“Yeah, we’ll see….”
They both jump into the general’s suped up “Hummer” and peel out of the trailer park. Suddenly the general stops the car. “That’s far enough, scientist boy. I didn’t buy this hummer so I could chouffer dumb scientists around. I’ll come back if my plan fails. …maybe,” said the general as he pushed the scientist out of the car.
The general (whose name was Bob) sped down Main Street really fast. He was probably going really fast, but he didn’t know for sure because his speedometer was broken. He knew he had to kill Godzilla before Godzilla destoryed the world…or at least downtown Ida. Bob smiled to himself. He didn’t really have any nuclear weapons. He was suprised he fooled the scientist (whose name was Albert).
“I thought scientists were supposed to be smart!” said Bob, “Or at least the smart ones should be…” This puzzled Bob. Why had the scientist smiled? Did he smile? Maybe the scientist had just pretended to smile, just to fool Bob. “Yeah, that sounds about right,” said Bob, as he pulled over next to Godzilla.
Meanwhile, back at the trailer park…
It sure was a long walk to Godzilla, but Albert knew a shortcut….no, he actually didn’t, he just likes to have a positive attitude. He had walked one mile already, and he was only halfway there. he could be there in half an hour, if he walked slow.
Half an hour was exactly how long Bob needed to fill his car’s gas tank with nitro glycerin. He would then offer Godzilla his car, and as soon as Godzilla turned the key…BOOM!! …Or he would just make Godzilla step on the car. The general smiled at himself and thought, “What am I smiling about? Maybe I’m just a happy person.” Just then the general finished filling his car with nitro glycerin. Now all he had to do was make Godzilla step on it.
Just then Albert came over. “I guess I made it just in time, right Bob?” said Albert. “Don’t call me Bob,” said Bob.
“We have to stop Godzilla before he destroys the world!”
“I know that! Now get on top of my car and use this megaphone to talk to Godzilla.”
“Talk?? But…what? What should I say?”
“Talk scientist babble.”
“Umm…okay…ahem,” said Albert into the megaphone.
Godzilla looked over at them.
“Yes, well…,” said Albert, “Um….did you know that the gravitational pull-”
Albert was cut off by the giant explosion that occured when Godzilla jumped on top of the scientist and blew up the car. Bob was kind of smart. He knew that any giant monster hates scientists that want to kill them. They especially hate it when the scientists talk.
Bob, Albert, and Godzilla were all killed in the blast. (or at least Godzilla was, the other two were probably killed when Godzilla jumped on them)
The End
Q: How many Godzillas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: RAWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!