You Might Be a Redneck If…

…you are one armadillo away from a new pair of boots.

…you clean your fingernails with a stick.

…you never need a menu at Dairy Queen.

…something hisses at you every time you peer into your crawl space.

…the Salvation Army declines your mattress.

…your four-year-old grandson has ever said, “mommy won’t let me light the fireworks with grandpa’s cigarettes anymore.”

…you always take a penny but never leave one.

…your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

…your child’s first words were “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”

…your wife’s “indoor voice” can be heard a block away.

…someone hits your parked car and you don’t care.

…your idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”

…your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

…you regularly light your cigarettes off a stovetop burner.

…you use a ShamWow as a doily.

…your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.