Tag Archives: davepoobond

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10279: stimpyismyname -> davepoobond

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stimpyismyname: hey

stimpyismyname: DAVID

davepoobond: hey

davepoobond: MARCUS

stimpyismyname: by the way…

davepoobond: wut

stimpyismyname: mark isnt short for marcus

stimpyismyname: dumbass

davepoobond: sure it is

stimpyismyname: aint that a kick in the head

davepoobond: yeah, in your MOMs head

stimpyismyname: in ur dicks head

davepoobond: in ur mom’s mom’s BALLS head

stimpyismyname: in ur goozaks head

davepoobond: thats too far

davepoobond: someones gonna have to get hurt for that

stimpyismyname: ur stroking it right now i bet

davepoobond: yes i am

davepoobond: its so nice and purply

stimpyismyname: feel nice?

davepoobond: squishy

stimpyismyname: mmmhm

stimpyismyname: choicobo reggae mix

stimpyismyname: chocobo

stimpyismyname: ha

stimpyismyname: yes

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10278: stimpyismyname -> davepoobond

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stimpyismyname: HI DAVE

davepoobond: ritz bitz sandwiches

stimpyismyname: mini chips ahoy

davepoobond: screw you

stimpyismyname: with BIG chocolate chips

davepoobond: nooooo

stimpyismyname: mmmhmmm

stimpyismyname: AH-YEP

stimpyismyname: .

Auto response from davepoobond: takin a crap!

stimpyismyname: ooook

davepoobond: ha

Auto response from stimpyismyname: pow!

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10275: davepoobond -> Evil Hell Cow

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davepoobond: 😉

Evil Hell Cow: Ha!

Evil Hell Cow: your evil Smiley of death is useless to me!

Evil Hell Cow: As I have my anti Smiley shield up!

Evil Hell Cow: Your attack is futile!

davepoobond: oh noooooooooooo

davepoobond: 🙁

Evil Hell Cow: :-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-( Fear the frownies!

davepoobond: 😛

Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles

I Feel Dumb Right Now

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more and more i think about it, i get more and more suspicious…

some older African-American guy came by at around 4:30 today saying he was with the “department of homeland security.” So i open the door, and he lets me look at his badge, but for the life of me i can’t remember or even read anything on his badge cause it just happened to be in a very low light, and for some reason i really couldn’t even see it…but as far as i could really tell it looked legit. he also let me look at it for a while before he said anything. it was in a folding wallet, but it seemed like two pieces of paper, not really a metal badge or anything like that. his picture wasn’t on the “badge” either.

he said he was doing a “background check” on a neighbor that is just moving in and he was asking neighbors about her.

i had noticed someone moving in earlier in the day, so i assumed he wasn’t making that part up, at least.

he asked me if i knew her or anything, and i said no, i had just seen her moving in…

so at that point, he was just all like “well okay, if i could just have your name”

so i gave him my name…and he had me spell it out, so i did. and he wrote down my apartment number. he had like a big folder thing where he had scratched down what seemed like other apartment numbers, but i couldn’t really see what he wrote down. he asked me if i could give my phone number, but said i didn’t have to give it to him if i didn’t want to, so i didn’t give it to him.

i didn’t really ask anything about why he was doing the background check, and it didn’t really occur to me that the “Department of Homeland Security” doesn’t really exist to do stuff like that, as far as i know. they are just an administrative body in DC, aren’t they?

ugh…i feel dumb.

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10273: davepoobond -> stimpyismyname

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davepoobond: can you talk into ur mic and it types in word or something

stimpyismyname: if you get the software

davepoobond: bleh

stimpyismyname: its not very useful

stimpyismyname: you can already type

stimpyismyname: and you sound like an idiot

stimpyismyname: talkin to your computer

stimpyismyname: everyone KNOWS what you type

stimpyismyname: its EVIL

stimpyismyname: g2g

stimpyismyname: by

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10272: MyLeftTesticle -> davepoobond

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MyLeftTesticle: Hey, do you know of any famous murder criminal freaks? I need a list of about ten or so…

davepoobond: jack the ripper

davepoobond: something the mauler

davepoobond: black widow

davepoobond: dracula

davepoobond: charles manson

MyLeftTesticle: Fuck you.

davepoobond: lol

davepoobond: what

MyLeftTesticle: Dracula’s not a criminal murder guy.

davepoobond: well the others are

MyLeftTesticle: I know.

davepoobond: frankenstein

MyLeftTesticle: Okay.

davepoobond: he killed his father

davepoobond: y’know

MyLeftTesticle: Yes, that’s sad.

davepoobond: hellz ya. can you imagine killing your father with your brute strength?

davepoobond: i mean he musta felt a lot of love for him to hug him to death

MyLeftTesticle: No, I’m a midget, I have no strength.

davepoobond: well of course you do

davepoobond: midgets pack more force for the punch

davepoobond: and so does macho man randy savage

MyLeftTesticle: Macho Man should go back to the WWF.

davepoobond: WWE

davepoobond: but yeah he should

MyLeftTesticle: Oh yeah…

davepoobond: he’s too cool

MyLeftTesticle: WWE, that’s so stupid.

MyLeftTesticle: Oooooh YEAH, brother.

davepoobond: did he say “boy”

davepoobond: or did he say both

MyLeftTesticle: I think so….Maybe he said both.

MyLeftTesticle: He used to be rivals with Hogan for a while on WCW. That was awesome.

davepoobond: they were in a legal battle with the wildlife wilderness federation i think. something like that. they just got sick of it and changed their name

davepoobond: yeah

MyLeftTesticle: I thought they changed it to WWE ’cause they owned all the wrestling corporations now.

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: they own ECW too?

MyLeftTesticle: Yes.

davepoobond: heh

MyLeftTesticle: They had ECW before they had WCW.

davepoobond: oh

davepoobond: i didnt even know wcw was gone until like this month

davepoobond: or last month

MyLeftTesticle: Heh.

davepoobond: i wanna get sound clips of macho man

World, Screwed Up Chronicles

5 Is the Max: The Phone Call Theory

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So, say you want to call your good friend so you can go hang out somewhere and possibly go somewhere to eat. Now, let’s put two of your favorite people in the world, davepoobond and Soup Nazi into this situation. Soup Nazi’s phone is fucked up for whatever reason, and davepoobond is trying to call him so they can go and do something, like eat a burger. Davepoobond not being able to contact Soup Nazi is a predicament, now, isn’t it? How many times is “enough” to try and contact a friend so you can go and do something together because you’re bored? Davepoobond and Soup Nazi are good friends, but not good enough to warrant any more than a maximum of five calls from davepoobond. Anything more than five calls may and SHOULD be translated as a stalker or someone that is trying to get into your pants.

The rule I propose is that if you are trying to contact someone just to hang out and do nothing important in particular, you are given a maximum of five tries to contact someone. The count resets once you actually make contact. However, this should never be broken unless you ABSOLUTELY need something from this particular person you’re calling. The only thing that would qualify for the need would be something like large amounts of money (we’re talking tens here, baby), ass, returning of a loaned out item, drugs (if you really need a hook up), or if your liver is about to fall out. In these cases, you’re allowed one extra call, adding up to six.

You’re a fucking psycho if you call someone more than five or six times.

Dreams, Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles

Dream #9064

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I had this dream today in the morning:

I was in a white room with a table, and like 5 other people were my “friends.” and we were like talking/waiting for something. there were windows, but it was just bright light. and the table was right next to a door, and some old ass lady comes out and introduces herself. she looks like a gym class teacher, but really old and haggy. and she like shakes our hands. i was sitting on the table, and i see the friend that was sitting down next to me go to shake her hand with the wrong hand and end up just petting her hand instead. and then i laugh at him for being a retard, but then he just looks at me like “why did you do that, i did that for a reason” and then i notice there’s like two huge rings on the old lady’s hand. and the old lady just keeps smiling.

I guess the only thing that could have been happening was that the 5 of us were there to infiltrate somethin and get somethin and we were just acting a part

Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles, Dreams

Dream #9063

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The Dreams Tag is a tag that has all the records of any dreams I see fit to actually write down.

–

I had a dream on November 18…

I was at school and my mom owned a cheap jewelry thing that sold like crappy wooden beaded bracelets and that kinda junk jewelery.

so when i went over there to say bye to her cause i was leaving school, there was a blonde chick there. and she was said she was someone i know’s sister and was asking me why i talked to him all the time. she flew down there to talk to me. she looked like she was like 15 and she had a red rolling backpack with braided hair.

she was like “he’s very emotionally depressed you shouldn’t talk to him it only makes him worse” or something like that and i’m like “uh whatever”

and then i woke up, but i was kinda in that half-dreaming mode so i “continued” my dream and then just started beating her up cause she was annoying

Stupid IMs, Prank IMs, Chat Logs

#8977: JustinChi012 -> davepoobond

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I knew someone named Justin at school, and someone who knew him made a screen name after him and IMd me, impersonating him.

–

JustinChi012: Hello

JustinChi012: Lee Holloway does her best to compose herself as she readies for her job interview.

davepoobond: …

davepoobond: wtf?

davepoobond: justin?

JustinChi012: yes?

davepoobond: why the HELL are you iming me

davepoobond: you blocked me 3 years ago, let alone even talked for that long

JustinChi012: I want to send you a picture of my new girlfriend

davepoobond: bull

JustinChi012: nm

davepoobond: how did you even remember this sn

JustinChi012: HA HA! THAT IS HUMOR, MY FRIEND! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! GET IT? If only the super-intelligent Goth Poets could combine forces with the ultra-hilarious webcomic authors of the world! Then we’d have one easy, visible target to direct the orbiting laser cannons at. Oops, I just ended that last sentence with a preposition.

davepoobond: justin, yer freakin me out. you type too fast

JustinChi012: This is Sam Arnold.

davepoobond: …

davepoobond: who?

davepoobond: how’d you get my sn

davepoobond: hello?

JustinChi012: Damn I still can’t send the pic

davepoobond: …

JustinChi012: I am Justin

davepoobond: i’m on aol…

davepoobond: ok, if yer justin, what classes are you taking

JustinChi012: AP English

JustinChi012: Pre Cal

JustinChi012: w8…y am i tellin yoo dish

davepoobond: trying to find out if yer justin

davepoobond: ok, i believe you in that. what grade did we meet

JustinChi012: Have you ever ate bar-b-que?

JustinChi012: 8th

davepoobond: YOU LIE

davepoobond: 7th grade, dimwit

davepoobond: remember, 7th grade math

davepoobond: who was our teacher

davepoobond: just as i thought

JustinChi012: kissel

davepoobond: unh hunh..

davepoobond: that’s a 50% chance

davepoobond: hold on gtg eat dinner

JustinChi012: Have you ever ate bar-b-que?

davepoobond: why are you asking me that

davepoobond: what i dont understand is why you’re IMing me at all

davepoobond: i thought you hated me..

davepoobond: and i dont see any reason behind why you would want me to see yer girlfriend

davepoobond: unless you wanted me to laugh at you

JustinChi012: because she’s purdy

JustinChi012: that too

JustinChi012: w8…no i dun

davepoobond: hmm….justin usually talked more asian…and didnt use contractions like w8

JustinChi012: fuq yoo

davepoobond: thatsa boy

davepoobond: lessee….what else can i ask you about

davepoobond: to make sure its you

davepoobond: ok, was i your friend in 7th and 8th grade

davepoobond: =-O

davepoobond: yes or no answer the question yes or no answer the question

JustinChi012: no

JustinChi012: How do you feel about “All in the Family”?

davepoobond: good job, thats the right answer

davepoobond: y r u askin me these stupid questions

davepoobond: WAIT A SECOND

davepoobond: HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVEN GET A GIRLFRIEND

davepoobond: yer freakin JUSTIN for cryin out loud

JustinChi012: Do you enjoy the beach?

davepoobond: yes, on occasion

davepoobond: but i dont like it when the giant squids come out and eat your toes

davepoobond: and then the asteroids, and the mermaids….::shudder::

davepoobond: its an evil place that beach

davepoobond: but i like the calming waves

JustinChi012: I once went to the circus and there were lions and one of them took a dump and then the trainer came out and stepped in it and fell down

davepoobond: except when spears shoot out of them

davepoobond: ok then

davepoobond: so then, howsa bout tellin me why yer IMing me and how you remembered this sn

JustinChi012: Because I won the lottery

davepoobond: mmh…interesting aspect that is SINCE YER NOT EVEN GAMBLING AGE-LEGAL

davepoobond: and yer being a little too random for a justin

JustinChi012: ACTUALLY I DONT HAVE ANY GIRLFRIENDS THEY WONT COME OVER BECAUSE ONE TIME ONE OF THEM WENT TO SLEEP AND I PLACED MY PENIS IN THEIR EAR

davepoobond: you fuckin perv, yer not justin at all. shut the fuck up, i aint listenin to you anymore

davepoobond: yer pry one of his stupid friends though

davepoobond: or one of MY friends

JustinChi012: Like I said:I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS THEY WONT COME OVER BECAUSE ONE TIME ONE OF THEM WENT TO SLEEP AND I PLACED MY PENIS IN THEIR EAR

davepoobond: just like when i went over to your place justin?

davepoobond: we had a slumber party remember

davepoobond: you never placed yer penis in my ear

JustinChi012: No we didnt

JustinChi012: Juice Bar

davepoobond: ….

davepoobond: hmm that reminds me

davepoobond: what did colin always call you a long time ago

JustinChi012: I found chocolate bubble gum

JustinChi012: Juice boy Bob

davepoobond: you are so off

davepoobond: you sure got shit for memory for an ap student

JustinChi012: That’s because Im high right now

JustinChi012: Shoe Tree

davepoobond: …

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#8885: fROY132 -> davepoobond

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fROY132: POOOH BALL!

fROY132: holy fuck

davepoobond: waaaaaaaa

fROY132: just kidding

fROY132: lets make love

davepoobond: alright!

davepoobond: love love love

fROY132: love love love

fROY132 love is all you need

fROY132: look i have a penis

fROY132: you’ve got a vagina

fROY132: we’re the perfect pair

fROY132: PERFECT PAIR

davepoobond: love is your air, love is your foodddd, love is your shelterrrr

fROY132: what u talking bout willis?

davepoobond: whatchoo talkin bout willis

davepoobond: you have to have the whatchoo part in it

fROY132: GIVE ME LOVEOVELOVE LOVE CRazy love L

fROY132 signed off at 5:54:39 PM.

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#8881: davepoobond -> ManEatingCarrots

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davepoobond: hey

ManEatingCarrots: Hiya.

davepoobond: whats up

ManEatingCarrots: Yelling at my boyfriend.

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: what’d he do

ManEatingCarrots: Made his ex girlfriend grab his dick..

ManEatingCarrots: My best friend..not to mention.

davepoobond: heh

davepoobond: was she his girlfriend when she did it

ManEatingCarrots: NO I WAS!

davepoobond: …you were your brother’s girlfriend?

davepoobond: ohhh you said boyfriend

davepoobond: heh…..heh……..heh…………………….yeap

ManEatingCarrots: Riiiiight

davepoobond: you should dump him and go for the guy that wears tight ass red
jeans

davepoobond: unless he IS the guy that wears tight ass red jeans

ManEatingCarrots: Who wears tight ass red jeans?

davepoobond: there’s this one guy at my school………………he’s pretty
much classified as gay though

davepoobond: his parents dress him

ManEatingCarrots: WTF?!?

ManEatingCarrots: You want me to go out with a fag?

ManEatingCarrots: Oh well… too late.

davepoobond: well fags dont try to pick up on other chicks

davepoobond: just………guys………..

davepoobond: mmh…………….i dont know, whatever

ManEatingCarrots: ::shrugs::

ManEatingCarrots: Bi. Gay. Little diffrence.

davepoobond: did she just grab his shorts or did she reach down his pants

davepoobond: ?