Louise: Well, how did your clothes get all torn up?
Scott: I tried to stop a kid from getting beat up.
Louise: Who?
Scott: Me!
Joke #11381
Jean: Hey, who gave you that black eye?
Gordon: Nobody gave it to me. I had to fight for it!
Joke #11380
Eric: Yesterday I saw a man fall off an eighty-foot ladder.
Peter: Gosh, was he hurt?
Eric: No. He fell off the bottom rung.
Joke #11379
Greg: Which is correct – the white of the eggs is yellow or the white of the eggs are yellow?
Betsy: I don’t know.
Greg: Me neither. How can the white of the eggs be yellow?
Joke #11378
Emmy: Can I share your sled?
Mike: Sure, we’ll go half and half.
Emmy: Thanks.
Mike: I’ll have it for downhill, and you can have it for uphill.
Joke #11377
Janet: Do you write with your right hand or your left hand?
Craig: My right hand.
Janet: That’s funny. I usually use a pencil.
Joke #11376
John: Are you superstitious?
Kim: No.
John: Then lend me thirteen dollars!
Joke #11375
Brenda: Hey, you put too many stamps on that letter.
Michelle: Uh-oh. I hope it doesn’t go too far now!
Joke #11374
Mark: Yesterday I saw a man at school with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs, he stepped on them.
Jim: Wow! He stepped on his arms?
Mark: No, on the stairs.
Joke #11373
A couple of friends were sitting on a street corner, fishing into a bucket and looking very forlorn.
A kindhearted woman came over and gave them a quarter.
“How many have you caught today?” she asked.
“You’re the seventh!” they told her.
Joke #11372
Jenny: They’re not going to grow bananas any longer.
Bill: Why not?
Jenny: Because they’re long enough already!
Joke #11371
Bob: Go look in the cage over there. You’ll see a ten-foot snake.
Matty: Don’t try to kid me. I know snakes don’t have feet.
Joke #11370
A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toenails, so I bite them instead.”
Joke #11369
Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
Steve’s girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, “I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I’d look like her.”
“No,” Steve corrected, “If I drank a six-pack, you’d look like her.”
Joke #11368
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'”