ACTOR: “I hope the cameraman catches my best side!”
ACTRESS: “What’s that? The back of your head?”
Joke #12862
I heard a story about a husband whose wife was never pleased with any present he bought her. So one Christmas he decided to give her cash as a gift. Naturally, she exchanged it for something else.
Joke #12861
Did you hear the story about the divorcee who was concerned about ecology? She got married eight times because she wanted to keep recycling husbands.
Joke #12860
“Colonel Lee, you’ve had too many juleps,” scolded Mrs. Lee. “Sir, you’re in no condition to go out.”
“That’s not true,” the Colonel argued. “Dear lady, I’ll have you know that I’m in mint condition.”
Joke #12859
CUSTOMER: “Waiter, the food in this restaurant tastes terrible.”
WAITER: “I’m sorry you don’t like it, sir. Are there any other complaints?”
CUSTOMER: “Yes. Your portions are much too small.”
Joke #12858
The other day I met a politician who must have been campaigning too hard. I saw him shake a baby and kiss a man’s hand.
Joke #12857
What an ego my college roommate has! He says he wouldn’t let them make a clone of him because they simply couldn’t improve on perfection.
Joke #12856
“I tried a new raw fish diet. For a month I ate nothing but raw fish.”
“Did you lose weight?”
“No. But now I can balance a ball on my nose and bark like a seal.”
Joke #12855
A man should never marry a pretty woman. He should always marry an ugly woman. If a man marries a pretty woman and in a few months she gets tired of him and she runs off, he’s heartbroken. An ugly woman might run away too, but who cares?
Joke #12854
Girls, never trust guitar players. They’ll string you along.
Joke #12853
JOE: “I don’t expect too much from a girl. I just want a girl who’ll walk up to me, look me in the eye and love what she sees.”
MOE: “You don’t want a girl. You want a blind midget.”
Joke #12852
A handsome bachelor was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out when along came his girlfriend. “I’ll kiss those tears away,” she said, trying to console him. For several minutes she smothered him with kisses, but he still continued to cry. “Won’t anything stop those tears?” she asked him.
Looking up and rubbing his eyes, he said, “No. It’s hay fever. But please continue the treatment.”
good salesman
good salesman – n. a person who can convince you that you’ve always wanted a product you never saw before in your life
Joke #12850
SALLY: “I just can’t find the man who’ll make me the perfect husband.”
TILLIE: “Maybe you’re asking too much.”
SALLY: “Nonsense! Al I’m looking for is a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
Joke #12849
A drunk stumbled out of a bar, bumped into a telephone pole, knocked into a trash can, and then fell flat on the sidewalk right in front of an uppity old spinster.
“Sir,” scolded the woman coldly, “if I were in your condition, I’d shoot myself.”
“Lady,” stammered the man, “if you were in my condition, you’d miss.”