Category Archives: Jokes

The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!

Joke #9215: Over the Hillary

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

“What happened?” asked Hillary.

“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Hillary.

The driver replied: “I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the cow.”

Joke #9213

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep doo-doo now.” (He was an Irish setter)…. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!!”

Joke #9212

There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.

The car breaks down.

“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again,” says the mechanical engineer.

“Well,” says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”

“I thought it might be a grounding problem,” says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”

They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say. They ask him, “What do you think?”

“Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again.”

Joke #9211

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t pull me out of the path of that ambulance?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

Joke #9210

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” the little girl replied.

“Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”

Joke #9209: Wife-Long Relationship

Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men’s names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

“Diane,” he said, “the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”

Joke #9208

On doctor’s orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Melling’s brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. “Would you like to see the body?” the undertaker asked.

“I might as well take a look at it before the others get here.” The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

“He looks good,” the brother said. “Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him.”

Joke #9207

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”

The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrgerrrrrr Kiiiing.”

Joke #9206

In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.

She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair.

Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.

It was the theme from “Mission Impossible.”

Joke #9205

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter — yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”

The agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”

Joke #9204

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I
looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

Joke #9203

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

Joke #9201

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”