Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it!
Category Archives: Jokes
The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
Joke #9247
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Joke #9246
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Joke #9245
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny!!!
Joke #9244
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None; The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Joke #9243
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Joke #9242
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem.
Joke #9241
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Joke #9240: Sliver of a Lining
Two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
“No doubt about it,” the new deputy said, “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”
“You’re right,” the experienced deputy replied. “But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say, ‘it could have been worse’.”
“No way. You’re on.”
The old sheriff arrived at the scene. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.
“But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse.”
“Yes, it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!”
Joke #9239: Let’s Get Technical
In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven…
“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.”
“Oh…Mr……. President! What may I do for you?” asks St. Peter. “I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?”
Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t call it ‘dope-smoking’ because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t call it ‘adultery’ because I didn’t have full ‘sexual relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can’t call it ‘bearing false witness’ because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of perjury.”
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you enter, you don’t have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
Joke #9238: On the Krakow
A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said, “Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent. Are you from Krakow?”
“Yes, I am,” replied the surprised man.
“It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America,” said the well-dressed man. “I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the napkin factory. If you ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up.”
Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend. He had completely forgotten the man’s name at this point, so he decided to take a shot in the dark.
The receptionist answered, and he asked, “Pardon me, do you have a Krakauer there?”
“Sir,” she replied, “we don’t even get a coffee break!”
Joke #9237: A *Real* Dog
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you.”
“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Joke #9236: Malpractice Assurance
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he’d hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, “Howard. Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last.”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, “Howard. You’re a veterinarian.”
Joke #9235: Dog Spotted on Truck
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
Then a third child brought the argument to a close…
“They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
Joke #9234: Cab Unfare
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, “I hate all the blonde jokes people tell.”
“Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, “See! That guy was really stupid.”
“No kidding,” replied the blonde. “There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.”