One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. ‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”
The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”
The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny!!!
One night a man – who was in no shape to drive – wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.
“And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife.” said the man.
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn’t believe in capital punishment and didn’t want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
“Madam,” he explained, “this is not a murder trial! It’s a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her
birthday.”
“Well, okay,” agreed Mrs. Hunter, “I’ll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all.”
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that
airplane I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s 50 dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.” With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only
one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
Q: What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A: The Spice Girls!
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
A: It’s called a Wedding Cake.
I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Q: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.