I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Scissors?”
Jill complained to Nina, “Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.”
“Well,” replied Nina in a hurt tone, “I told her not to tell you I told her.”
“Oh dear!” sighed Jill. “Well, don’t tell her I told you that she told me.”
A husband asks his wife, “If I should die first would you marry again?”
“I would be heart-broken, of course,” was her reply, “but I think eventually I would remarry.”
“But you wouldn’t bring him here to our house?”
“Why not? I’ve worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it.”
“But you wouldn’t sleep in our bed?”
“Well, I wouldn’t run out and buy a new bed right away.”
“Surely, you wouldn’t let him use my golf clubs?”
“Of course not! He’s lefthanded!”
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry.”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, It’s not very absorbent and you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
Customer: “Can this wool coat be worn in wet weather?”
Clerk: “Madam, have you ever seen a sheep carry an umbrella?”
“Do you remember first meeting your wife?”
“Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I’d never allow her near the gutter again.”
“Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.”
“Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.”
CLARA: “I read this pamphlet that said “By the time you finish reading this paragraph, someone will have died.”
SARA: “What did you do?”
CLARA: “I stopped reading right away.”
RANDY: “I read this study that said every time you breathe, a person dies.”
SANDY: “I didn’t think my breath was that bad!”
JOE: “My mother got fired from the telephone company.”
MOE: “What happened — did she miss her calling?”
MOE: “My uncle’s a farmer and a pool player.”
JOE: “I guess he has to mind his peas and cues.”
WILL: “Why are you grounded?”
BILL: “I tried to fill my father’s shoes.”
WILL: “Did you succeed?”
BILL: “Yes, I filled them with tacks.”
LAWYER: “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
PRISONER: “What’s the bad news?”
LAWYER: “They’re still going to electrocute you at sunrise.”
PRISONER: “What’s the good news?”
LAWYER: “I got the voltage reduced.”
JUDGE: “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
CROOK: “I gave your daughter singing lessons.”
JUDGE: “Thirty years!”
JUDGE: “Why did you steal the ballpoint?”
CROOK: “I haven’t got an inkling.”
JUDGE: “One year in the pen.”
POLICE EXAMINER: “If you were by yourself in a police car and were pursued by a gang of criminals in another car doing 60 miles an hour, what would you do?
POLICE CANDIDATE: “Seventy.”