Category Archives: Squackle Broadcasting Company

TV/movie/commercial scripts.

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Fat Remover

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A woman is doing the dishes in her house when the announcer comes running behind her with a gun and puts it right against her back.

 

Announcer: FREEEZE OR I PUT SO MANY BULLETS UP YOUR ASS!

 

The lady freaks out and drops all the dishes on the floor.

 

Announcer: Well i’m going to shoot you…shoot you with lower prices!

 

The lady turns around.

 

Lady: WHAT THE HELL? WHO ARE YOU?

 

Announcer: I’ve come to show you the new Fat remover! It removes 99% of all body fat! Looks like you can use some!

 

The announcer pokes her belly. The lady slaps him HARD.

 

Announcer: OW! See that slap would have been harder if you had less fat on your fingers! I’m going to give you a low low cost of…$1,000 dollars! Yes, thats right, $1,000 dollars!

 

Lady: … GET OUTTA MY FREAKIN HOUSE!

 

Announcer: but wait! theres more! We’ll give you this makeup kit FREE, just for you!

 

The lady looks as the announcer takes out a paper bag with 2 eye holes in it. The announcer puts it over her head.

 

Announcer: your lookin better already!

 

The lady gets so mad her face turns red as she rips off the paper bag.

 

Lady: …GET….OUT….NOW! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE? LEAVE BEFORE I CALL MY HUSBAND! GET THE FUCK OUT!

 

Announcer: But wait, theres more!

 

Lady: Thats it! ALFRED! HELP ME THERES A ROBBER IN THE HOUSE!

 

Alfred (the husband) runs down and tackles the announcer guy. The announcer guy shoots Alfred.

 

Announcer: I was just getting to that! The new ultra blood soaker sponge thingie! It soaks up blood like you’ll never believe!

 

The anouncer guy pulls out the sponge from his pants and begins soaking up the blood. He soaks up all the blood from the wound.

 

Lady: HEY! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HI…hey that does soak up blood pretty good! How much for it?

 

Announcer: I’ll give it to you for free if you buy the fat remover! Plus the makeup kit for only $1,000!

 

Lady: Hmmm…can you do another demonstration? I’m not sure…

 

The announcer guy pulls out his gun and shoots alfred in the leg. He then soaks up all the blood with the very same sponge … O.o amazing.

 

Lady: hmmm…

 

Alfred: call…ambulan..ce…help…me…

 

Announcer: Yes we are helping you…SAVE MONEY! You loose fat, plus look beautiful, AND get a nice sparkly floor when you get shot several times! What a bargain! If you don’t call before the cops get here, you will loose your chance!

 

Alfred: he…lp…

 

The announcer kicks him in the head knocking him out. The lady gives the guy $1,000 dollars.

 

Announcer: you forget the tax and the shipping and handling and the interest and the…

 

The lady grabs the announcer guys gun and shoots him. She then grabs the sponge and soaks up the blood. Sirens can be heard in the background.

TV Shows, Squackle Broadcasting Company

DBC News Broadcast 2

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Now top stories with David…

Sports with Davis…

Weather with Daveed…

A few words with Mr. Whatshisname…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown!

Now for the top stories……David: 1. The 1st top story today is… that there is no top stories!!!!!! Isn’t that funny??? 2. We have 2 top stories today???? I thought we didn’t have any!!!!

Producer: Why don’t you look at your script?!?!?

David: We have a script???

Daveed: Of course we do you stupid dumbass!!!!!

David: Eh, Shetep

Davis: Shetep…what does that mean??

David: Something you wouldn’t understand dork!!! (note: dork means a whale dick)

Daveed whispering to Davis: Yeah, it’s a nerd mating ritual.

David: I heard that!!!!

Davis: Big whup!!!

David: Eh, go blow it out your ear!!!

Daveed: Why don’t you go blow it out your ass?!!!!!!

Mr. Whatshisname: I’m Egyptian!!!!

Producer: Shut your trap, fiddlesticks!!!!

Mr. Whatshisname: Fiddlesticks… maybe I should change my name to that!!!

Producer: You do that!!!!

Fiddlesticks: Yaaaaaaaay!!!!!

Daveed (mumbling): He’s a little slow.

Binky (mumbling): That’s for sure.

Fiddlesticks: Well, I’m a lot faster than you all are… combined!!!!!!

Davis: Come over here and say that you bitch!!!

Fiddlesticks: Go stick a rubber hose up your nose!!!

Now for the sports…… Davis: Today is the fight of the century!!!! Fiddlesticks vs. Daveed!!!!

Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!!

Davis: Unfortunately we won’t be able to cover it because it’s right after the show in the alley back there, and right after that, me, yours truly, will sock Fiddlesticks a couple of times if he wins or loses, so there is no way around it.

David: I’ll soften him up for you a little bit before you do!!!

Now for the Weather… Daveed: In the U.S.A all temperatures are -999999999999999 or below!!!!!

Fiddlesticks: Gee, that must be chilly.

Daveed: Chilly? Chilly? The temperatures are such at an extreme that no one can live with!!!

David: Not even Santa Clause??

Daveed: Not even Santa!!!

David: Not even Vanilla Ice?? Mr. Freeze???

Daveed: No one!!! Even though Mr. Freeze might think that’s all right…

Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!

Producer: Yeah sure……………

Fiddlesticks: But…

Producer: But my butt!!!

Now for the Special Guest Corner…… Binky: Now we go behind the scenes in the White House in our hidden cameras in the dining room and the limo.

Bill: Hello, honey.

Hillary: Yeah, Whatever!!!

Bill: What’s for dinner???

Hillary: Why don’t you get off your dead ass and get it yourself!!!!

Bill: But…

Hillary: But what!?

Bill: McDonald’s is too crowded!!!

Hillary: Then go to Burger King!!!!!

Bill: Burger King’s hamburgers are ugly with a capital UG!!!!!!!!!

Hillary: GO!!!!!!

Bill: You can’t tell me what to do I’m the President of the United States!!

Hillary: I COULDN’T GIVE A SHIT LESS, NOW GO!!!!!

(Bill walks to the door moaning and goes out the door.)

Hillary: I don’t know why I married that man!!!!!!

Bill (in limo with 10 hookers): Why couldn’t I marry one of you???

Binky: Uh…right. Well that was interesting. We forgot to put on censor parts, but that’s okay!!! Everybody liked it!!!!!!!!

David: This just in Bill Clinton has died of what Hillary Clinton says what Bill would’ve said of Hamburger ugliness with a capital UG!!!!!

Fiddlesticks: I’m Egyptian!!!

Producer: Let’s see you make a pyramid!!!

(end)

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Floppy Watches

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(a guy goes to an execution squad thingy to be executed)

 

Announcer Person: Uh oh, it looks like your going to be late for your birthday party!!!!!

 

(the guy gulps)

 

Announcer Person: Sorry, we can’t help you there!! But if you live through it, which isn’t too likely, you can go and get a new watch to celebrate!! It’s a new watch called…Floppy Watches by Navli!!!!

 

(fade out as gunshots are heard)

TV Shows, Squackle Broadcasting Company

DBC News Broadcast 1

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David Broadcasting Company

Now top stories with David

Sports with Davis

Weather with Daveed

a few words from Mr. Whatshisname

 

Now for the top stories David: Welcome to DBC, this is a new TV station that you’ll grow to love. Now to the important stuff, 1. M n M’s are being cooked in Easy Bake Ovens!! Will this lead to war because the candy isn’t good enough??? Nobody knows and they don’t care! 2. Mice are carrying whole arsenals of guns, grenades, and other weapons!! Are mice planning to have a war??? Nobody knows…and they don’t care!

 

Daveed: Then what does anybody know and care about?

 

David: ……………………..Comic Books.

 

Daveed: That is the most lame answer anyone can give!!!

 

David: Did you read the one when Spider-Man beat up his mother-in-law? That was cool!!

 

Daveed: Ya I bet!

 

Davis: Man, would you 2 losers shut your traps and get on with the show so everyone can see my beautiful face?!?

 

David and Daveed: SHUT UP!!!!!!

 

Davis: OK you don. t have to yell at me!!

 

David: Oh, and did you see the one where the X-Men beat up a piece of poop?? That was SUPER cool!!

 

Producer: Get on with the stupid show!!!

 

Mr. Whatshisname: Why can’t I have a real name on T.V?

 

Producer: Because your name is too hard to pronounce!!

 

Mr. Whatshisname: Why can’t I have a fake name?

 

Producer: Because you already have one!!!!

 

Mr. Whatshisname: But……

 

Everybody: SHUT UP!!!!!

 

Mr. Whatshisname: Fine be that way!!!

 

David: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted…

 

Davis: Oh, don’t start that again!!

 

David: People these days are so rude that I got interrupted twice!!

 

Producer: This just in!! Ratings are skyrocketing because you dumbasses are fighting!! Keep it up!!

 

Mr.Whatshisname, David, Davis, Daveed: SHUT UP!!!!!!!

 

(end)

Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company

The G8 Summit Meeting: The Truth Behind the Closed Doors

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In case you forogt, this is the “Group of 8” Meetings that happened a while ago.

———————————–

First, lets talk about how much George W. Bush sucks at being president. My pinky could run the U.S. better than that prick! At least my pinky never touched cocaine………or so I think….. and HE’S GONNA PUT US INTO WW3 because of his fuckin ballistic missile shit! We should launch HIM into the air and blow HIM up like a ballistic missile! That’s the only goodness we’d get out of that system! Here’s a little reenactment of Bush. Sr. talking to his son about the Ballistic Missiles:

 

Bush, Sr.: “Bush, Jr. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!”

 

Bush, Jr.: “I’m….getting ready for Desert Storm!”

 

Bush, Sr.: “You stupid idiot!!!! ::smacks him in the balls::”

 

Bush, Jr.: “Not my sack daddy, please stop smacking them around”

 

Bush, Sr.: “I TOLD you that i won that war a long time ago! Haven’t you seen that fancy pancy movie Three Kings?”

 

Bush, Jr.: “Ballistic missiles are fun to watch blow up Russia with! even though i had gay sex with the leader of Russia- ooooopss!”

 

Mrs. Bush, Jr.: “George! how DARE you! and without ME! I told you to not do anything sexual with any of the foreign leaders unless i was with you!”

 

Anyway. onto the G8 Summit…These are random things that could have happened during the meetings….

 

(Bush, Jr. plays with 2 missiles, making them fly in the air, and then have them crash into each other, throwing the pieces at the members of the G8 Summit committee)

 

Bush, Jr.: “…and so ends my explanation on the Ballistic Missiles”

 

(end)

 

Bush, Jr.: ::nudges the President of France next to him:: hey, sugar….wanna come back to my place?

 

President of France: ::bites Bush’s shoulder::

 

Bush, Jr.: AHHH! SON OF A BITCHHH

 

(end)

 

::Leader of Japan is talking about how Pokémon is good for the heart and soul, when….

 

A WHOLE GROUP OF MALE WHORES COME IN!!::

 

Bush, Jr.: ah! they’re finally here!

 

(end)

 

Bush, Jr.: AUHH! I’M A STUPID FACE POO MOM

 

(end)