Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”
All posts by davepoobond
Joke #18540
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
“What is it with guys that they won’t replace the toilet paper?!” I raged.
“I know,” he said, nodding in agreement. “I noticed that when I was in there earlier.”
Joke #18539
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I’ve got a problem, Doc. Sometimes I dream that I’m a teepee and sometimes I dream that I’m a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee… I need help!”
“I know what your problem is,” said the doctor. “You need to relax…you’re two tents!”
Joke #18538
I met this guy the other day and I noticed he was wearing a huge watch with all sorts of little dials on it.
“Wow,” I said. “That’s one hell of a watch.”
“Thanks, it’s a divers watch,” he informed. “It’s waterproof to up to 500 meters, it won’t corrode, never needs batteries or winding…it’s the best divers watch money can buy.”
“Huh,” I said. “You dive?”
“No,” he said as a fearful look came over his face. “I hate the water.”
Joke #18537
A wife and husband buy a single gravestone (presumably an act of mutual marital faith).
The husband passes away “before his time” and the wife, after a few years, falls in love again and remarries. Where shall she be buried?
The solution was cremation. She could be cremated and put next to both husbands, which, of course, would make her diurnal.
Joke #18536
Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
“Honey,” said a woman behind me, “I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve.”
The man in front of me piped up… “You’d better get used to it now. Once those young ones get on your nerves, they can stay there till they’re 18.”
Joke #18535
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?'” she asked.
“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”
“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”
Joke #18534
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him — his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.
One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!”
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?”
Joke #18533
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that’s a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, “Who is making these allegations?”
My boss stood up and proclaimed, “I am the alligator, your honor.”
Joke #18532
A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he’s driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, “Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?”
“Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I’m driving.”
“Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.”
Joke #18531
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you’d expect from a Jedi Master.
Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, “Use the FORKS, Luke.”
Joke #18530: Message From the Duke of Wellington
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON
Written from Central Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance…
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
Joke #18529
Q: In a game of poker, what hand is the favorite with Jermaine, Jackie, Michael, Marlon and Tito?
A: Jacks and Fives.
Joke #18528
When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, “He’s a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races.”
Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.
“So what do you do?” she asked.
Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, “I sell drugs.”
Joke #18527
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended but the malady lingers on.”